Short Fall, Long Climb
by saavik55
Summary: A story set in the midst of an established relationship between Alex Cabot and Olivia Benson.  After Olivia endures a terrible ordeal, will Alex be able to save her and their relationship?  Warning: explicitly written scenes of rape and torture.
1. Chapter 1

Surreptitiously, Olivia peeked at the clock over her partner's shoulders as he stooped over his desk and she willed the minute hand to move faster. Only fifteen more minutes and she would be free to head back to her apartment and complete the preparations for her date with Alex. This night was to be extra special, one of the rare times Olivia took the lead from Alex. She had been planning for days, making reservations at a dimly-lit, elegantly decorated Italian restaurant to be followed by a slow stroll through snowy Central Park on the way back to Olivia's Manhattan apartment where she had laid in a store of iced champagne, candles and roses. And, of course, a special surprise for when she escorted Alex to the bedroom. It had cost her days of worry, praying that Alex wouldn't find the package before Olivia arrived home, but her plan had gone off without a hitch. All that was left was for Olivia to see Alex's face when she took in Olivia's lithe body clad only in the cream colored leather harness and the large, deep-purple dildo. Olivia could hardly wait for that moment. But for now, all she could do was watch the clock and pretend to fill in another line on her paperwork. Only ten more minutes to go.

Olivia chewed on the end of her pen, lost in thought about her plans for tonight. When she felt a hand on her shoulder, she flinched, dropping the pen and glancing up into her partner's twinkling blue eyes.

"Elliot, jeez," she complained. "Make a little noise would you?"

"Liv, I've been watching you work on the same page for the last twenty minutes. Get out of here. I'll finish that up," he said.

Flashing him a quick but brilliant smile, Olivia nearly leapt out of her chair and slung her coat about her shoulders. With a gentle punch to Elliot's arm and a goodbye tossed over her shoulder, Olivia was out of the door, heading for home with a spring in her step.

As the clock neared seven, Olivia stepped out of her closet to give her apartment a quick once-over before Alex arrived. Rearranging the roses in the vase on the table and making sure matches for the candles were conveniently available, Olivia nervously smoothed her hands over her outfit. She had chosen simply: a burgundy cashmere sweater with a soft, high collar, black wool slacks and black leather boots with heels high enough to project power and sex appeal but not so high as to make her appear too easy. The only jewelry she wore was a pair of diamond studs Alex had given her last Christmas. Her make-up was subtle but enough to make her skin glow and her short hair was attractively tousled. She knew Alex would be surprised at her choices; usually Alex was the one who wore powerful clothing while Olivia chose more delicate items, but tonight was different.

Just as she checked again that she had enough ice for the champagne, she heard a knock on her apartment door. Opening it, Olivia felt momentarily light-headed as she took in the sight of her lover. Alex wore a long white wool coat she had clearly unbuttoned on the way up to reveal a deep blue dress with a plunging neckline and a slight sheen to the cloth which caught the light to further emphasize each one of Alex's curves. Her blond hair fell in loose waves around her shoulders and she wore an almost shy smile as she took in Olivia's stunned reaction.

After a moment, Alex cleared her throat and laughed a low chuckle, bringing Olivia back to her senses. She quickly reached for her black wool coat and, wrapping her free arm around Alex's waist, drew her in for a chaste kiss. Twining her fingers with Alex's, Olivia led the blonde down to catch a cab and begin their date.

Both women lingered over their dinner, enjoying each other's company, sometimes talking but often taking part in a comfortable silence. Finally, after sharing a slice of tiramisu with a single spoon, Olivia stood and helped Alex into her jacket. It had been an unusual evening with Olivia often catching Alex's eyes roving over her body and Alex's mouth smiling her secret smile of passion for her lover. Olivia felt the sense of power and control she usually reserved for work and a shiver of anticipation dance down her spine.

Exiting the restaurant, Olivia entwined Alex's arm with her own as they set off to stroll through Central Park and enjoy the crisp air and freshly falling snow. Alex laughed softly as she watched her girlfriend brush the snow flakes from her dark eyelashes and hair. Olivia took Alex's hand in both of hers and brought it to her lips, pressing warm kisses to each gloved fingertip as Alex closed her eyes and took a deep breath. They held each other tight as they strolled amongst the snowy evergreens towards Olivia's home.

Once in the door and out of their now damp winter gear, the two women stood for a moment in the candlelight and looked at each other. Finally, Olivia broke the stillness and held out her arms to receive her girlfriend. Alex stepped into the embrace, burying her hands in her lover's hair as Olivia's hands gently gripped Alex's hips. Almost reverently, Olivia leaned close and, shutting her eyes, kissed Alex softly at first and then with greater intensity. When they finally broke apart, Olivia gently urged Alex towards the bedroom. There, she eased herself on to the bed and, smiling, said, "Alex, strip for me."

Alex drew in a shuddering breath. Never before had Olivia been so in control in their relationship, never had she given commands instead of requests and never had she stared so hungrily at Alex. In fact, their relationship was generally the polar opposite of this scenario. Olivia, exhausted from the tight emotional control she had to exert on the job as well as maintaining her image as a tough and commanding detective, preferred to submit, welcoming the feel of belonging when Alex slipped the leather collar around her neck. Alex relished having such a strong, unbreakable woman as Olivia willingly hand her complete control and she loved her brunette all the more for allowing her this privilege. However, tonight was a gift for Olivia's birthday, the chance to be mistress for a night and allow Alex to worship her.

Snapping back to reality, Alex slowly lifted her hands and began to undo the dress's zipper, staring into Olivia's dark eyes through every movement. She eased the dress down over her slim hips to reveal the black lacy bra, panties and garter belt she had purchased especially for this occasion. She toed off her stilettos before sauntering to Olivia's side, lifting her girlfriend's hands and placing them on the snaps of her garter belt, inviting Olivia to remove the smoky silk stockings. Olivia took the opportunity to kneel in front of Alex and kiss gently around her thighs as her hands deftly undid the snaps and eased each stocking down Alex's pale, smooth legs. Kissing her way back up Alex's body, Olivia rose to her feet, kissed Alex tenderly and purred, "Undress me."

Not waiting for another syllable, Alex grasped the hem of Olivia's sweater and tugged it up, running her hands up along the brunette's ribs as she went. Once the sweater had been discarded, revealing Olivia's deep purple bra, Alex dropped to her knees and grasped the zipper of Olivia's pants between her teeth. As she unzipped and then slid the slacks over her girlfriend's full hips, Olivia buried her hands in Alex's pale hair. Accepting the encouragement, Alex eased off Olivia's panties before gripping her hips and planting a kiss on her girlfriend's already aroused center. Olivia nearly choked on her moan of pleasure and stroked Alex's hair more vigorously as the kneeling woman began to lick and kiss around her wet, sensitive clit.

After a few moments more of this, Olivia used all of her will power to release Alex's hair and help her to her feet. Olivia gathered her lover into her arms and pressed her lips to Alex's, slowly exploring the blonde's mouth and tasting herself there. Breaking away, Olivia steadied her breathing and grinned at Alex's flushed cheeks and kiss-swollen lips.

"On the bed, Alex, hands and knees," Olivia growled as she gave her lover a pinch on the ass and disappeared into the closet. Alex complied, a fresh wave of arousal washing over her with each of Olivia's words. This was so new, so unexpected from her generally submissive lover. Alex prided herself on never switching, maintaining her dominance with all of her lovers. But, she admitted to herself, this was a night she and Olivia would have to repeat in the future.

Olivia sauntered out of the closet only a few minutes later and shivered at the sight of her mistress on her hands and knees, waiting for her touch. Alex returned her lover's gaze with lidded eyes before she allowed them to wander lingeringly down Olivia's olive-skinned body. Olivia had removed her dark lacy underwear and replaced them with only a cream colored leather harness and a heavy-looking thick purple dildo. Alex swallowed hard in her suddenly dry throat and briefly closed her eyes as she felt a dark quiver of need for her lover in her core.

Olivia quickly climbed on to the bed, positioning herself behind Alex's slim, pale body, before allowing her hands to roam over the blonde's lithe curves. She allowed her fingers to linger on Alex's breasts, pinching and caressing the already erect nipples until the actions made Alex gasp deliciously. Slowly, her hands trailed down her girlfriend's sides until they began circling Alex's core. Olivia grinned and felt herself shudder as she felt the wetness and warmth there. Clearly, this wasn't as big a sacrifice as Alex had claimed.

Olivia leaned down until her lips were at Alex's ear and her breath caressed Alex's cheek. "Are you ready for me, my love?" Olivia whispered.

"Liv, yes," Alex gasped, surprising herself with the intensity of her need

.

"Mmmmm, I can tell, darling," Olivia responded as her fingers left their ministrations to Alex's clit and pushed deep inside the blonde. For a few moments, Olivia relished the warmth of her lover and her wonderfully uncontrolled gasps and whines as her fingers explored her girlfriend. Then, with a kiss to Alex's back, Olivia positioned her dildo and eased inside her lover. Alex moaned at the building sense of being filled by her lover, her fingers grasping the bed sheets and her back arching to encourage Olivia to enter her more deeply.

"Olivia," Alex groaned, "You feel wonderful." Olivia simply hummed in response, briefly mesmerized by the sight of her dominant mistress behaving so wantonly towards her attentions. Snapping from her reverie when Alex thrust her ass in the air to encourage her, Olivia grasped Alex's hips firmly and began to thrust slowly. As she built up speed, Olivia released Alex's hip with her left hand in order to reach around and touch more of her lover's center.

Alex moaned louder, panting, and gasped, "Liv, I'm coming." Olivia felt on the verge of fainting due to the sexiness of Alex uttering those words. She began to thrust harder and deeper into her lover, pinching and caressing Alex's clit until the blonde stiffened and moaned, "Olivia," before slowly sinking to rest on the sheets. Olivia withdrew and leaned to kiss her lover's lips. Then she climbed from the bed to remove her package before rejoining Alex for more of her birthday presents.

When she returned, Alex was lying on her side, her blonde head propped on her hand and a seductive look darkening her blue eyes. Alex grinned, cat-like, at the way Olivia's breasts bobbed with her stride, the way her full hips swayed with the clenching of those delicious buttocks as she walked. Alex beckoned Olivia to join her on the bed and held out her free arm to receive her. Olivia crawled in and lay on her side, facing her lover. Her eyes widened in anticipation as Alex, still grinning dangerously, drew her in for a passionate kiss. Olivia parted her lips eagerly, allowing Alex's tongue to explore, and she brought her hand up to caress Alex's pale breast. At the contact, Alex broke the kiss and gently clasped Olivia's hand. Alex eased Olivia on to her back before grasping both of the brunette's hands and pinning them against the pillows behind Olivia's head. With her lover restrained, Alex kissed a path across Olivia's throat and down to her collarbone and then her breasts. Alex paused at her lover's rosy nipples, lavishing them with attention from her tongue and free hand.

Olivia yelped deliciously when Alex's teeth closed on her right nipple. She relished the brief burst of pain before the injured nipple was soothed with Alex's warm and talented tongue. Olivia gasped for breath as waves of pleasure crashed over her body; she felt like a sand castle built under the hot sun, surrendering to the cooling waves of the Atlantic as the inevitable tide rose. She opened her eyes and met Alex's blue ones glancing mirthfully up as the blonde continued kissing and nipping down Olivia's stomach, finally reaching her destination and relinquishing her firm but gentle grip on Olivia's wrists. Olivia let her hands fall to the pillows, resting them on either side of her head. She was too overwhelmed with pleasure to drag them any further. Alex had reached her core and was teasingly kissing around it, pressing her lips to Olivia's folds and breathing in the scent that was uniquely her lover's.

As Olivia's shallow gasps became more frequent, Alex decided to give her girlfriend her birthday present. With no warning, Alex took Olivia's aroused clitoris between her teeth and rolled it carefully, desiring to pleasure her lover but not hurt her. Olivia bucked against Alex's mouth, her teeth clenching in intense pleasure. Alex smiled into Olivia's core as she released the tender flesh and continued to kiss and lick the area to alleviate the irritation. Bringing her hand down, she inserted a finger into Olivia with agonizing slowness. Alex relished her lover's velvety flesh and fiery heat as she began to thrust into Olivia. Alex continued her attentions to Olivia's core as she added a second and then a third finger and sighed in pleasure as Olivia moaned intensely. After a few moments, Alex paused as Olivia's muscles tensed around her slim fingers and the brunette pressed her head violently against the pillow, biting her lip.

As Olivia's tense body gradually relaxed, Alex withdrew her fingers and eased herself back towards the head of the bed. She leaned over her lover, smiling down, and, when Olivia opened her eyes, Alex licked her fingers slowly, relishing the spicy taste of the detective. Olivia felt as if she would pass out; the sexiness of witnessing her mistress enjoying her taste was unbearable. Finishing her treat, Alex leaned down and met Olivia's mouth with her own, allowing the brunette to taste herself for the second time this evening. Breaking their kiss, Alex smiled again and rose from the bed. Wiggling her ass sweetly, she strode from the bedroom, leaving Olivia still stunned on the bed.

Alex returned with the champagne Olivia had carefully iced earlier and two glasses. She climbed back into bed, propping herself against the headboard and popping the cork. She urged Olivia to scoot closer and rest her head against Alex's collarbone and lay in the blonde's embrace. Alex handed Olivia a glass and they clinked the rims together in a toast before Alex wrapped her free arm around the olive-skinned body. They rested silently, Olivia relaxing into Alex's tender embrace, Alex thanking whatever god had led her to SVU and Olivia's love. Periodically, between sips, Alex pressed her lips to Olivia's temple, cheek, hairline and Olivia shut her eyes in quiet pleasure.

Once they had finished their flutes of bubbly, Alex set their glasses on the nightstand and switched off the lamp. Roused by the movement, Olivia sat up partially and, yawning, turned onto her side and reached with her left arm for her lover's slim body. Alex paused a moment; usually, Alex spooned her lover, holding the warm body close to her own. After the pause, she decided to continue with Olivia's presents and allow the brunette to hold her close. Alex turned on her side and eased back into Olivia's strong embrace. Olivia reached down and covered them both with the comforter. She settled her head on the pillow, pressed her lips to Alex's neck and murmured, "I love you, Alexandra Cabot."

Sighing softly and smiling, Alex drew Olivia's arm tighter around her waist and responded, "I love you too, Liv," before closing her eyes and drifting almost immediately into sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia's eyes flew open and she snatched up her phone before she even knew she had been asleep. So many years on the squad had trained her reflexes to be split second. Blinking and listening to the dial tone for a brief moment, she registered that the cause of her reaction was in fact her door buzzer, not a ringing phone. She threw off the covers and, hearing her girlfriend begin to stir, hurried to answer it.

"Hello," she said, "Hello?" She received no response. Pushing the button again, she said, "You have the wrong apartment." Olivia yawned and turned to go back to bed but she took only a few steps before the buzzer rang again. Groaning, she tried to answer again and, getting neither a response nor relief from the incessant buzzing, she decided to take care of the problem directly.

She padded back into the bedroom and slipped on a pair of old academy sweats and a tank top. Pausing for a moment, she decided to grab her gun and badge just in case a little intimidation was required. Alex sat up and, wincing at the noise, watched her girlfriend bustle around the room. "Do you want me to come with you?" she asked.

"No, honey, it's probably just some teenage punks. They've done it before. I'll be right back. Go back to sleep," Olivia replied. She leaned down and pressed her lips to Alex's and ran a hand through the blonde's sleep-tousled hair. Turning, she headed out of the apartment and padded down the stairs in her bare feet to give those punks a talking to.

Reaching the bottom of the stairs, Olivia peered through the glass entrance and saw no-one. However, she did notice a wooden toothpick wedged to keep her buzzer button depressed. Cursing to herself, she pushed open the door and knocked the toothpick free, looking forward to jogging back up the stairs to rejoin her lover for a few more hours of much-needed sleep.

No sooner had the toothpick clattered to the concrete then Olivia felt a heavy shove on the small of her back, sending her stumbling down the stairs to the sidewalk. On her way down, a large man dressed in dark clothes stepped out of the shadows and grabbed at her arms. Regaining her balance at the last second, Olivia managed to swing out and smash the butt of her gun across the man's face. Once she heard the sickening crunch, she turned to scramble back up the few steps and into the safety of her apartment building. Her hand on the door, she felt a crushing grip on her left arm. She lashed out with her gun again but felt it wrested from her grasp as two more strong hands clamped on her arms from behind. Olivia opened her mouth to scream, praying that Alex would hear her and call 911. Before she managed a sound, one of the strange men brought the butt of her own gun down, smashing into Olivia's right cheekbone. She heard rather than felt the snap as it gave way and managed only a strangled whimper of pain. Once again, she saw the hand clasping the gun rise and this time all she saw was a blinding white light burst behind her eyes before everything went black and Olivia slumped in the grip of her captors.

Alex groaned as the incessant buzzing of Olivia's door bell dragged her from the best sleep she'd had in weeks. Rolling over, she sensed Olivia's movements around the bedroom before the brunette bent down to kiss and reassure her. Alex sighed at her girlfriend before taking her advice and wrapping the pillow around her ears and attempting to go back to sleep.

It felt like only a few moments had passed when Alex cracked open an eye to check that Olivia was back. Olivia's side of the bed was vacant and Alex clawed the covers off to go check the rest of the small apartment. Alex reassured herself that her girlfriend, the occasional insomniac, had probably just stopped in the kitchen for a glass of water and a few pages of one of Alex's magazines. It didn't take long for Alex to believe, however, that Olivia was truly not in the apartment. She checked the kitchen clock: 3:30 am. If her foggy memory from when she first woke could be believed, then Olivia had been missing for more than 30 minutes. Panicking, Alex snatched her phone and dialed Olivia's number. Upon hearing the faint ringing from her girlfriend's bedside table, however, Alex felt her heart drop. Hands shaking, she dialed Elliot's number. After several rings, Alex heard a groggy voice croak, "Alex?"

Biting back frightened tears, Alex managed to whisper, "Elliot, I think Liv's missing."

Olivia felt herself floating in blackness, awash in pain. Slowly, light broke in and she opened her eyes. Her head felt like it was splitting open and she sensed that she was lying on a moving surface like a van or a truck. She turned her head a fraction before she re-shut her eyes from the excruciating pain radiating from her cheek and forehead.

"Hey, she's awake," Olivia heard a deep, rasping voice comment.

Another voice – the driver's – seemed to roll his eyes as he said, "Then put her back to sleep!"

Olivia focused on the source of the first voice, prepared to struggle harder this time. Once she saw a hand reach for her, she reached to grab it and forced herself to bite down as hard as she could. She registered a roar of pain as the injured man lashed out with his foot, catching her in the side. She clutched at her cracked ribs briefly but missed grabbing the hands she saw reaching for her head. She felt hands wrench at her short hair before she saw the wheel well rushing at her too quickly. The blinding pain and cracking sound as her nose broke barely reached Olivia's reeling mind before her face was slammed down again. And again. So many times that Olivia lost count before she slipped into the blessed nothing of unconsciousness.

Alex sat ramrod straight on the edge of Olivia's couch, praying to every god she could think of for Olivia to call or to walk calmly through the door. Elliot had told her to stay in the apartment and make sure the phone line was free in case Olivia tried to contact her. Elliot said he would get dressed and alert Captain Cragen on his way to Olivia's. Alex nearly jumped out of her skin as she heard a key rattle in the door but she was rewarded with Elliot Stabler's concerned face instead of her lover's grin. His presence at the apartment made Alex snap from her frozen state and she drew in a shaky breath before dropping her head into her hands and letting the sobs come. Elliot laid his hand on the weeping woman's shoulder for a moment, trying to pass on strength he didn't feel to his partner's girlfriend. He finally spoke to her.

"Alex, I'm sure she's fine. However, I'm going to meet Munch, Fin and Cragen at the precinct. I want you to stay here in case she tries to call or returns. If you hear anything, call me immediately. But before I go, I need you to tell me everything that happened before she went missing."

As Alex recounted the events leading up to Olivia leaving the apartment, Elliot's worry grew. It sounded as if someone had been targeting Olivia specifically, aiming to lure her unawares and kidnap her. It seemed personal. The kidnappers had left no note and made no phone calls to ask for ransom in exchange for Olivia's safe return. Once Alex had finished, Elliot squeezed her hand gently and murmured, "We'll find her, Alex. We'll find her." Alex kept her head buried in her hands as Elliot stood to leave for the 1-6 precinct squad room. As he stepped into the hall and shut the apartment door, he heard Alex's heartbroken sobs and he steeled himself for the search to come.


	3. Chapter 3

When Olivia woke, the first sensation she registered was of being cold, too cold. Her body shivered violently as she strained to remember where she was or what had happened. The effort sent a lightening bolt of pain through her skull and she remembered her injuries. She reached to feel her broken nose only to find she could not move her arms. They were wrapped tightly around her shoulders, straitjacket-style, and her wrists were cuffed too tightly at the back of her neck. The slight effort nearly made her gag in pain. Olivia's right shoulder was ablaze with pain of a kind she had never felt before. She fought to steady her breathing as she felt her tears wet the large blindfold covering her face. She could see nothing, not even a corner of light, and the panicked rasps of her breathing filled the dark, cold air. She curled into herself as best she could, pulling her chained feet up and trying to calm herself as she lay on the frigid cement floor. Her thoughts soon turned to Alex and the tears sprung back to her eyes. Olivia held Alex's smiling face in her mind and knew she had to fight this and be reunited with her lover. It was at that moment Olivia heard a new sound, the scrape of a key in a lock, and she tensed at the shudder of panic that grasped her chest.

Hearing the door open, Olivia steeled herself and whispered, "Who are you?" In response, she heard a low chuckle.

"Who am I? It doesn't matter. What does matter is that you are a filthy dyke and I am going to correct your disgusting ways." Rough hands gripped Olivia's short hair tightly and dragged her across the floor. She felt herself tossed into a cold wall and on to her knees, jarring her shoulder and making her eyes roll. As she fought her urge to vomit, she felt a collar slipped around her neck, the heavy, tight metal ring pinching her throat and restricting her breathing. The collar was chained to the wall, forcing Olivia to keep her head up and her weight resting on her knees. Gasping for breath, she felt the hands caress her breasts, making her shudder in revulsion. Hot, rancid breath wafted across her face as her captor leaned in for a kiss. She fought to turn her head away before a strong hand clenched around her sore jaw, squeezing her broken cheekbone and forcing her to look forwards. "This is your first lesson, honey. I want you to think about your lover while I help you and remember that, if it weren't for her, you wouldn't have to endure this." With a low chuckle, he let her chin go and walked away, his boots thumping on the concrete floor.

Olivia next heard a sharp crack split the icy air. She gulped air as a shiver of fear made her body freeze up. She felt the pain before she heard the second crack. The whip slashed across her right breast and she bit her tongue, trying to hold in the scream beginning to build in her chest. The whip fell again, cracking against her broken cheekbone and she whimpered in pain. The blows came faster and faster, landing on her breasts, stomach and face and on her crossed arms. Her breasts burned and she could feel welts rising and warm blood dripping onto her stomach and thighs. Olivia's body jerked as each new blow fell, her only warning the whistle as the whip cut through the air before it cut through her skin. She had no idea of how long this went on, only that, by the time the whip stopped, she hung limply from the collar, gasping for breath.

The sound of a zipper brought Olivia back to life. A meaty hand grabbed her hair and forced her head back painfully. She felt warm flesh against her welted lips. The hand tightened in her hair and the deep voice growled, "Bite me and you'll regret it." A hand grasped her face and squeezed, the pain shooting through her cheek making her open her mouth to groan. In that moment, he stuffed his already stiffening penis into her mouth and began to thrust, forcing himself so deep she struggled to breathe against her gag reflex. Just as she felt as though she would pass out, he thrust deeply and stiffened, groaning as his grip tightened in her hair. His semen filled her mouth and dribbled down her throat. He pulled out and squeezed her jaw shut as he pinched her nose. "Swallow," he growled, "or I'll let you suffocate." Olivia felt more hot tears wet her blindfold as she struggled to swallow the disgusting liquid. After a few weak gulps, he seemed satisfied and released her.

Olivia heard rustling and then felt a rough grip on her bleeding breast. He began to wrap rope around her right breast, winding it so tightly she forced a whimper from her raw throat. He continued with the other breast and the pain made her feel dizzy. He reached behind her neck and unlocked her collar from the wall. A yank on the rope binding her breasts helped her stand on weak legs and he pulled her along, the chains binding her ankles clanking as she stumbled forward. He fidgeted with the ropes wrapping her breasts for a moment before she felt a sharp tug upwards. He continued to lift her until her toes barely touched the floor, forcing her to bear most of her weight on her aching breasts. She felt as if they would be ripped from her body. He pressed his lips to her ear and whispered, "Time for bed, my darling. I'm sorry that we had so little time tonight, but I'll be back tomorrow night for more lessons."

With a deep laugh, he drew back and then forced her mouth open and stuffed a large ball gag behind her teeth before locking the straps too tightly behind her head. Olivia groaned into the gag as she felt something cold press against her anus and then her vaginal opening. The plugs were shoved into her body so quickly that she registered the pain only after the chastity belt had been buckled and locked around her body. The straps bit into her skin, digging deeply into her soft, slim waist. She could not control her shivering as she hung helpless, bound and gagged and raped. He gently put a set of ear phones over her ears as he mirthfully said, "I wouldn't want you to get bored while I'm gone, so I've got some entertainment for you." She suddenly heard her own sobs and whimpers along with her captor's vile laugh and the crack of the whip blasting in her ears, so loudly she flinched each time the whip cracked. Olivia faintly heard the door slam and boot steps fading through the sound of her own pain as she let her tears flow into the black blindfold.

Alex watched the sun rise through the windows of Olivia's apartment through red, swollen eyes. She was still stiffly perched on Olivia's sofa, clutching her cell phone in one hand and the armrest in the other. Elliot had called twice to ask if she had heard anything and to advise her that they were preparing to canvass the apartments in Olivia's building. Gingerly, Alex stood and stretched her sore back. Wrapping her robe tightly about her waist, she shuffled numbly into the kitchen to put on coffee. She stood gripping her empty mug, listening to the dripping coffee and missing Olivia's familiar, bleary-eyed early morning presence in the kitchen. She slowly dialed Liz Donnelly's number. Once Liz answered, Alex told her of the situation in a flat voice and asked for the day off. Liz detected the absence of the blonde's usual inflection and felt a pull at her heart as she told her ADA to take as much time as she needed. Liz understood how in love Alex was with her detective and how much strain the brunette's dangerous profession placed on Alex. As she hung up the phone, she said a quick prayer that Olivia would turn up soon and alive.

Elliot rubbed his eyes as he tried to stifle a yawn. It was now twelve hours since Alex had called about Olivia and no amount of terrible coffee was making up for his four hours of sleep. Munch and Fin were canvassing the apartments in Olivia's building in the hope that some unlucky insomniac had heard a struggle or a shout. Elliot remained at the precinct, manning the phone lines after Cragen's request for any information was broadcast during the 12:00 news. The phone rang and Elliot prayed that it was a lead rather than another crackpot claiming that Olivia had traveled back in time. Answering, Elliot heard Fin's voice on the other end. "Hey El," he said, "we got a lead. Olivia's neighbor said she was woken up by Olivia's buzzer going off at 3 in the a.m. She says she heard Olivia's door open and close and then men's voices outside. She looked out the window and saw a black van speed away heading toward 78th street. Says the license begins with an H or a B, but that's all she remembers." Elliot scribbled down the information and thanked Fin before jumping up and heading for Cragen's office.

Knocking and entering before he heard Cragen's acknowledgement, Elliot updated the captain quickly on the lead called in by Fin. Cragen nodded his agreement with Elliot's plan to do a DMV search for a van matching the description and then move on to searching records from that night for tickets issued or traffic camera photos of that van. Elliot closed his eyes briefly, praying that the asshole had made a mistake. He turned and left Cragen's office, headed for his desk to start making calls.


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia had no idea how much time had passed. Her body seemed to radiate pain in time with the whip cracks and her own whimpers flooding her senses. Her breasts ached from the strain and pain shot through her each time she shivered from the cold. She prayed to a god she didn't believe in for Elliot to find her, for Fin, Cragen, Munch, anyone. She also prayed for death. She felt filthy, violated, and she knew that, when her captor returned, she faced further defilement.

Through her foggy mind, she heard the jingle and scrape of keys in a lock. Olivia shuddered, knowing that her ordeal was about to start again. Hands gently removed the headphones from her ears before they grasped her swollen, aching breasts and squeezed. Olivia gasped behind the gag and shut her eyes tightly against the pain. "Hello my pretty," her captor rasped, "I hope you got some sleep. You'll need your strength tonight." The rope lifting her breasts was suddenly released and Olivia collapsed as her weight suddenly landed on her weak legs. A hand seized her heavy collar and hauled her back to her feet. "Stay here or you'll regret it," he growled. Releasing her collar, Olivia heard him move away and heard rattles and rustles as he prepared for whatever fresh torture he planned on inflicting.

She soon felt a hand grasp the chain of her collar and, drawing a quick breath, lashed out as hard as she could, hoping her forehead would connect with his and give her a chance to break free. Laughing, he shoved her away, her already unsteady legs giving out as she crashed to the cold cement. He kicked her cracked ribs with his heavy boot and Olivia curled in on herself as best she could, gasping for breath. He grabbed a handful of her hair, dragging her across the floor, hissing, "You'll pay for that, bitch."

Her breasts still bound, he pulled the rope, hauling her to a short fence. He bent her over the wooden edge until he could fasten the rope tied to her aching breasts to the a ring on the floor, forcing her to double over and leaving her most private places exposed to the frigid air. Satisfied that she was secure, he released her ankles, yanking them apart and refastening them so that her legs were spread painfully wide. He reached around her waist and unlocked the chastity belt, ripping the large plugs from her anus and vagina without warning. Next, he reached down and removed the large ball gag, snarling, "I want you to scream. I wouldn't want you to be without something for your listening pleasure when I have to leave you again."

Moving around her body, he chuckled, "Tonight's lesson is about how to appreciate the feel of a dick in your pussy. I'm sure that, after tonight, you'll never miss _her_ fingers again." She felt him touching her, on her breasts, her labia, her clitoris and her inner thighs. His fingers left something behind, something stuck to her delicate skin. She felt gentle tugs as he backed away. "I'm holding a remote capable of delivering thousands of volts to the electrodes you are wearing so deliciously. When I stuff you with these dildos, you will be shocked every time you come. You will soon learn to prefer dick to the artificial toys you seem to like to play with. In fact, I hope that the very sound of a vibrator will make you wet yourself when we are done here."

As he finished speaking, Olivia choked back a scream as an object too large for her was forced into her vagina, unlubricated. A similar object pressed against her anus before shoving brutally inside, making her scream as she felt herself tear. Once they were in place, he turned them on, vibrating deep inside her. She heard him settle himself and the familiar sound of a zipper as he prepared to enjoy his pupil's lesson. To her disgust, Olivia felt herself slowly becoming aroused. She began to cry softly into her blindfold as her body betrayed her. Soon, she felt the recognizable signs that she was nearing orgasm. Futilely, she tried to picture her lover's face, to imagine that it was Alex touching her in her deepest places, whispering words of passion and love in her ear. However, all Olivia could hear were the soft sounds of her captor servicing himself, all she could feel was the pain of her bound body and the shame as her body responded to unwanted pleasure. She saw stars as she came, sobbing Alex's name mournfully as her tears wet the blindfold.

Her next sensation was pain. Agony ripped through her most sensitive skin and her body convulsed against her bonds. Olivia's ankles strained against the biting metal cuffs, her arms fought to free themselves from their painful position and she pulled against the ropes holding her breasts in bondage. Again she felt her adulterous body building toward a second orgasm and again agony seemed to rip along her nerves as her captor shocked her. As the time between her orgasms lengthened, he began to shock her at random, varying the length and intensity as he pleased. Soon, Olivia was exhausted, slumping weakly in her bonds, unable to do more than breathe and shudder in pain. Her raw throat refused to allow her the release of screams, limiting her to rattling whimpers and shallow breaths. She did not even have the strength for more tears.

When Olivia had lost count of her unwanted orgasms and agonizing shocks, the stranger pulled the vibrators from her aching body. He caressed her prone buttocks before slipping a hand between her legs to pinch and tease the electrical burns scarring her tender flesh. As he moved close, she could faintly sense the touch of his erect penis rubbing across her sore ass. "Now, see how much nicer this is. I'll be so good, you'll never want to violate a woman again," he smirked before he swiftly parted her buttocks and thrust his hardness into her abused anus. She groaned in anguish and violation, the loudest sound her exhausted body would allow. He paused for a moment, deep inside her, relishing the warmth and tightness of his captive's hole. When he felt comfortable, he began to thrust, burying himself to the hilt each time and enjoying the delicious friction afforded by her unlubricated insides. Olivia felt herself collapse as much as possible while bound so tightly. She tried to picture something else, anyone else, but her fatigued mind refused to cooperate. Finally, he came, releasing his semen deep within Olivia, furthering her sense of violation and filth.

He released her ankles and re-chained them together, ripping the electrodes from her burned skin as he worked. He then released the rope binding her to the apparatus and threw her to the floor. Olivia landed hard on her knees before he grabbed at her collar, keeping her upright. He buried his fists in her hair and thrust his softening penis against her lips. "Now, clean me up like a good girl. Good girls love the taste of their man's cum," he ordered in a falsely sweet voice. When she turned away, squeezing her lips shut against the invasion, he released one hand from her hair and backhanded her across her broken and swollen cheekbone. She gasped for air and sagged in his grip, the last of her strength gone. He inserted his penis into her slack mouth and worked it around to clean the remains of his semen and other filth from his dick.

Once he finished, he dragged her by the collar and forced her to step up onto a block. He positioned a rough object of large girth at her abused anus. He pushed her still-shuddering body onto the phallus, forcing her further and further down until she felt as though her body would split. He then kicked the block out from under her feet and Olivia whimpered weakly as her body weight forced her further onto the phallus. Working quickly, he strapped her upper body in place and removed the rope from her breasts. The pain as the blood rushed out of her swollen breasts made Olivia see stars for a few moments but she was jerked back to reality as an enormous, phallic gag was forced between her lips and brutally locked into place. He kissed her cheek gently goodnight as he slipped the familiar headphones in place to torture her with her own screams and whimpers once he left her for the day. Olivia fought against a building wave of nausea and fear as she sagged in her bonds and prepared to wait out another day in torture.

Once Elliot informed the DMV that he was tracking the men responsible for kidnapping an NYPD detective, the clerk responsible rushed to find the relevant records, providing Elliot with a list of seven black cargo vans with plates beginning with H or B. Four were registered to addresses in Queens, one in Brooklyn and two in Manhattan, one of which belonged to an address less than four blocks from Olivia's apartment building. Elliot handed the copies of the registrations located in Queens off to Munch and Fin to check out while he and Cragen headed to question the owners of the other three. Before he left the precinct, Elliot put out an announcement to the other precincts to relay the new information to facilitate their search for any citations issued. He reminded them of their sister in blue now missing for two days.

Cragen and Elliot started with the location in Brooklyn. Knocking on the door, Elliot leaned against the doorframe for a moment, silently pleading for a new lead or a clue of any sort. It had now been nearly two days since Alex had dialed him in a panic and he was becoming increasingly worried for his partner, dreading having to tell Alex if he found her body. He heard rattling as the apartment's occupant released the deadbolt and turned the knob, pulling the door open a crack.

"Do I know you?" the petite blonde woman asked.

"NYPD, Detective Stabler and Captain Cragen," Elliot said in his official voice as he and Cragen flashed their badges. The woman opened the door wider to allow the detectives to enter. Standing in the living room, the two men turned and Elliot asked, "Does Jason Wilcox live here?"

She responded with a nod. "Yes, he's my husband and he's at work right now. Is he in trouble?"

"No, ma'am," replied Cragen. "Does your husband own a black cargo van?"

"Yes, he owns a painting and wallpapering business, Wilcox Interior and Exterior. Is there some problem?" she asked.

"Mrs. Wilcox," started Elliot, "we need to ask some questions about the whereabouts of the van two nights ago. Did anyone take the van out that night?"

"No," she answered, "the van was in the garage all night. My husband comes home at 6:30 and we spent all night here in the apartment."

"Thank you, Mrs. Wilcox," said Elliot, "One last question. Does anyone else have access to the keys to the van?"

"No," she assured him. "That's Jason's personal van. The other company vans are silver and he keeps the keys locked in a cabinet after he closes the shop in the evening."

"Thank you again, ma'am," said Cragen as he buried his hands in his jacket pockets and turned to leave. Elliot followed, readying himself for the next dead end and praying for the next lead.

The second visit, to an apartment in Manhattan, yielded no further useful information than the first did. Fin called to check in after he and Munch had questioned two van owners to no avail. Elliot and Cragen struggled to cling to their last shreds of hope as they knocked on the apartment door of their last van's registration. After a moment, a burly man opened the door and looked them up and down suspiciously. Before the man could speak, Elliot flashed his badge and announced his name and his captain's.

"Could we please come in, sir?" he asked. The stranger narrowed his eyes but slowly stepped back and opened the door wider.

"What do you want?" he asked.

Elliot, his cop's instincts buzzing, replied, "Are you Daryl Conners?"

"Yeah," he scowled. "Am I in trouble or something?"

Captain Cragen cut in, "No sir. We just need to ask you some questions about the cargo van you have registered at this address."

"What, somebody steal it or something?" Connors asked, suddenly a trifle more friendly.

"Not that we know of," said Elliot, "We need to know if you were driving the van late on Friday night, early Saturday morning."

"Naw," Connors replied, "I lent it to my cousin Dennis O'Hara Friday morning. Said he needed it to pick up a used couch. He brought it back Saturday afternoon."

"We're looking..." started Elliot but Captain Cragen interrupted him.

"We're looking for the owner of a van who might have witnessed a hit and run accident. Can we have your cousin's address? We'd like to ask him if he has any information."

"Sure," Connors said, "and tell the bastard I know he got those stains in the carpet. They sure as hell weren't there when I gave him the keys."

Eyes boring into Connors', Elliot asked, "Mind if we see the damage? We could ask him about that too, if you'd like."

Address for O'Hara in hand, Elliot and Cragen nearly sprinted from the apartment building with Connors and his van keys in tow. Cragen dialed Fin to ask him and Munch to head to O'Hara's and stall him until he could call the DA's office for a search warrant for the cousin's apartment. Daryl Connors unlocked the van and Elliot climbed in and immediately spotted the large, reddish stain on the carpet over the wheel well. Elliot's stomach lurched as he backed out of the van and met Cragen's eyes.

"Its blood," was all he said and Cragen relayed the information to Donnelley.

Hanging up, Cragen gave Elliot a push toward their car, saying, "Elliot, we're going to O'Hara's. Liz says the warrent will meet us there."

* * *

True to her word, Donnelley's assistant was waiting at the entrance to Dennis O'Hara's apartment building with Munch and Fin and the warrant in her hand.

"Bastard's not home, must be at work," drawled Fin as Elliot and Cragen strode toward the doorway. "We called the precinct. They're looking into O'Hara's background right now."

"Good, Fin," replied the captain as Munch rang the building super and identified himself. A few moments later, the super opened the door and Elliot demanded he let them into apartment 3c as he brushed past the super's cranky facade.

"What for? You can't just barge in here," the pudgy super stated before Fin cut him off.

"This says we can," he said, slapping the blue warrant into the short man's chin. "We think the guy who lives here might know something about a missing NYPD detective."

"You mean the girl on the news yesterday? She's quite a looker," he chuckled before Elliot snatched him by the collar and pushed him against the stairwell wall.

Elliot snarled down at the pitiful man, "She's a detective and you'd better show a little respect or I'll haul you in for interfering with an investigation." Once Elliot released him, the super grumbled but climbed the stairs and begrudgingly unlocked the door.

"Be my guest."

The apartment was a horror show. The walls were papered with photos of Olivia out to dinner with Alex, in the squad car with Elliot, looking over tomatoes in a bodega and even of her in her kitchen pouring a glass of orange juice, taken through her apartment window. In each of the photos, O'Hara had scribbled wounds and bindings over her body. He drew puddles of blood around her feet, dripping from between her legs, seeping from cuts on her face. And, in the pictures of Olivia with her girlfriend, Alex's face was scratched out violently. Elliot fought the urge to vomit as he whipped around to meet the captain's shocked gaze. For a few seconds, the men stared at each other in horror before Cragen turned to Munch.

"Find the bastard," he said as Munch and Fin left the room, Fin on his cell phone to the precinct to get leads on the whereabouts of their number one suspect.


	5. Chapter 5

Olivia's sluggish brain filtered through memories of her family and friends. She thought back on her life with mixed regrets and sorrow. Images of Alex filled her mind's eye. Alex's smiling face as she emerged from a successful day in court and swept Olivia into her arms on the courthouse steps. Alex surprising Olivia with a beautiful collar made of smooth black leather with a silver tag denoting her ownership of the brunette and a pleasantly heavy lock to keep it in place. Alex had ordered it made for Olivia soon after Olivia expressed her desires to her blonde lover, a blush reddening her cheeks and her shyly downcast eyes uncharacteristic of the tough detective endearing her to Alex like none of her requests had before.

Olivia had loved her secret life as Alex's submissive lover. When she walked into her girlfriend's apartment, she shrugged off her heavy leather coat and set her gun and badge on the hall table. She toed off her shoes, walked to Alex and knelt before her, allowing the blonde to gently fasten the collar around her neck. Once the lock clicked, Olivia's cop façade disappeared and the shy, submissive nature prevalent in her formerly private fantasies emerged. She granted Alex a generous measure of control over her behavior, allowing her to reward good behavior and punish mistakes or challenges. Olivia accepted Alex's rebukes with grace, suffering the punishment and promising to be better, even when Alex used physical reminders. But this was different, against her will, permanently damaging.

Too soon, Olivia heard the now familiar and dreaded sound of the door of her prison swinging open and her captor's boots striding towards her bound figure. This time, however, she thought she heard a second set of footsteps, as heavy as the first. The straps securing her upper body were suddenly released without a word of greeting from her kidnapper. He pulled her off of the horrible phallus impaling her by his grip on her iron collar and dragged her across the floor. She was lifted and thrown on to a flat surface and, before she recovered from the bloom of pain across her abused body, hands were gripping her and straps were tightening across her chest, stomach, arms, legs and neck. She used some of her rapidly depleting reserves of strength to fight weakly against her bonds but, unsurprisingly, she was unable to free herself. Her legs were tied spread and the cool air chilled her cruelly injured flesh.

Olivia flinched when she felt the needle prick her neck. Then, suddenly, the black blindfold was ripped from her eyes and she squeezed them shut as the light blinded her after two days of living in darkness. Slowly opening her eyes, she took in the faces of two men leering down at her prone form. One reached out and caressed her cheek. "Relax, darling," he murmured. "Today is a big day. Today, we'll help you become a real woman, a beautiful woman. You just need to relax." She focused on his face, straining to remember if she knew him, but failing. He didn't look familiar. He was a large man, well muscled, with dark olive skin and a dark beard. His partner was smaller, a thin man with sallow skin and limp blond hair.

Her eyes followed his hand as he trailed it down to her breast, kneading the bruised and bloody flesh. Olivia tried to jerk away, to defy him as much as she could but, try as she might, she could not move her body other than to breathe and blink. Panic flooded her brain, blinding her as she struggled to move her hands, her feet to no avail. "I thought you might not appreciate our efforts at first. That's why I gave you a little something to help you relax. I don't want to hurt you more than we have to," her captor crooned, running his hand up and down her shivering belly. "But first we have to get you cleaned up. You made a little mess of yourself before I got here."

Olivia watched in paralyzed fear as both men pulled on latex gloves. The blond then ripped open an alcohol wipe and shook it so it would unfold. She felt him begin to pull and prod at the burned and torn flesh of her center as he carefully wiped her clean with the sanitary wipe. The alcohol stung as it dried on her injuries and Olivia wished she could squirm, spit, hiss, anything but the drugs in her system prevented her from obtaining the slightest bit of dignity. Shame flooded her senses as her captor took part, wiping her eyes, nose, lips, and breasts with alcohol wipes. It was true: she was a mess. After nearly 48 hours in captivity, Olivia had finally lost control of her straining bladder and had wet herself as she suffered on the hellish wooden phallus on which she spent the day. They were thorough in their cleansing, ignoring Olivia's tightly closed eyes and whimpers of shame. Finally they were done and she wondered what fresh horrors they had prepared for her.

The blond man uncovered a tray Olivia could see from the corner of her eye. She thought she could identify clamps, scalpels, and needles and the bile began to rise in her throat. He picked up what looked like an awl and approached the side of the table. He gave her a sideways sneer as he grasped her right breast with his free hand. He placed the awl at the side of her nipple and let her feel the sharp point for a moment before, with a sharp movement of his wrist, jabbed it through the sensitive bud. Her eyes widened with the pain and she choked on a scream around the large, phallic gag still tightly locked in her mouth. In one swift motion, he withdrew the awl and replaced it with a large gauge steel ring. Olivia groaned as the weight stretched her pained flesh. Moving languorously, her torturer crossed to her opposite side and repeated the procedure on her left breast, drawing it out to give her time to experience every second of pain and humiliation.

The mousy man looked to Olivia's captor who was standing nearby, silently appreciating her transformation into his twisted definition of the proper beauty for a woman. He grinned at his partner and suggested, "Septum?" The blond man nodded, trading his awl for one of a slightly smaller width. Tool and large ring in hand, he approached Olivia and leaned over to look down into her eyes.

"You might want to close your eyes," he wheezed in a nasal voice. "This might hurt a little." He positioned the awl and quickly forced it through her septum, replacing it with the steel ring as the tears Olivia had been holding back began to flow. She was marked like a cow, sub-human. The weasel-like man took a deep, shuddering breath as he bent down and licked the tears from her cheek. Olivia flinched, turning her head away as much as she could. He straightened, laughing and beckoned the burly man over.

Two large hands gripped her on either side of her head, forcing her to stare straight at the ceiling. The blond man reappeared, leaning over her with an evil smile. "My friend here has advised me of his good taste in women. However, you seem to have some unwanted extras. These extra senses will be useless to you once you embark on your new life; touch will be quite enough," he sneered. The hands restraining her clamped down tightly and Olivia closed her eyes at the pain that shot through her broken cheekbone. As she did so, she felt fingers dig into her left eye socket, forcing her eyelid to remain shut. Then, unbelievably, she felt the tearing sensation of a needle and thread making a stitch, beginning to sew her eye shut. She screamed into her gag, panicking at the sensation of having her senses slowly stolen. However, her screams were of no help. The needle kept sewing, drawing her eyelids tighter and tighter together, permanently shutting out a part of her world. After knotting the sutures blinding her left eye, the procedure began anew on her right eye, continuing through her tears and pleading whimpers. She could not swallow the knot in her chest whispering that she would either die here or live out her life as a plaything for sexual deviants.

When she felt the pressure on her eyes ease, she fought to open them, even if it meant tearing the flesh, but it was no use. As she struggled, the straps holding the gag were released and the gag was removed from her mouth. As soon as she could, she groaned, "Why are you doing this?" Her plea was met with laughter.

"My dear, soon you'll be the most beautiful woman and you'll forget all about the filthy lesbian whore you were before. In fact, you'll thank us. Well, you would if you still had the ability to speak." She heard more laughter as burly hands forced her jaw open and stuffed her mouth with a large wad of filthy-tasting material. Groaning and rolling her eyes behind her closed lids, she fought to keep her mouth open, fearing what was about to happen. The meaty hands prevailed over her weakened and bruised body but not before she managed to inflict her teeth on one of his thick fingers. He yelled and slapped her hard across the face. "When we're done with this, you'll regret doing that, bitch," he hissed before seizing her face and slamming her jaw closed. Soon she again felt the nauseating sensation of the needle sewing her lips together tightly with copious amounts of strong sutures. She tried to scream, to express her terror and fury and pain but the sound was effectively muffled by her new gag. Tears burned her new stitches, her cheekbone and broken nose throbbed, her pierced nose and nipples ached as they continued to dribble blood.

Hands caressed her body, feeling the modifications they had inflicted upon her with pleasure as they approached her spread legs. Thick fingers caressed her tender center as their owner crooned, "We saved the best for last my pretty. Just a few more minutes and we'll get to have some fun. Well I suppose you must have your punishment first." As he finished speaking, Olivia felt cold steel against her most sensitive parts. Her breath hitched as she realized what would happen just as she felt the first cut. She screamed into her gag as the scalpel sliced through her labia, removing much of her unique folds. She thought of Alex and the delight she had taken in exploring Olivia's private places and studying how to give her submissive lover the most intense and subtle pleasures. This experience was the most painful perversion of that love, ripping her apart in a studious fashion before sewing her together, effectively permanently preventing vaginal sex for as long as the stitches were in place.

As he sewed, she cringed inside, wishing for death as a preferable alternative to having to see the pity in Alex's face when she saw Olivia's mutilated body. As a last insult to her formerly beautiful center, the blond torturer gored her sensitive clitoris, inserting a ring. Furthering her shame, Olivia heard the delicate tinkling of a bell as he did so. She sobbed behind her gag and blind eyes as she realized that her ears, one of her remaining links to the outside world, would now be instrumental in her emotional torture as she would hear the constant tinkling of the bell with every movement. She was pulled from her inner reverie by a searing heat near her newly pierced body parts. Her captors chatted casually as they welded the rings marking her shut, preventing their removal, before they released her from the table.

Still unable to control her own body, Olivia felt herself dragged from the table and her wrists finally uncuffed from behind her head. She was strung up against the wall by her wrists, arms outstretched, toes barely resting on the ground though she was unable to support her weight due to the drugs. The rings piercing her nipples dragged on the sore flesh and the jingle of the bell between her legs rang loudly in her ears. Her captor slid a length of cold steel pipe up and down her body, pausing to rub between her legs and tweak each of her new rings. "I didn't want to have to do this, but you earned it, sweetie. You have to learn how to behave or we won't be able to keep you here," he said before she heard the whistle of the pipe being swung through the air.

The pipe crashed against her right arm and her eyes rolled back as the pain shot through her brain and the sickening crack echoed in her ears. Before she recovered, the pipe fell again on her other arm and she felt like a lonely, sandy beach buffeted by waves and winds and powerless to fight back.

The next blows crushed her knee caps and she hung her head even lower; scars she could live with, wounds would heal, but destroyed knees would take away her job, her purpose. He continued, hitting randomly, cracking ribs, smashing against her jaw, leaving large angry bruises across her abdomen and pelvis. After what seemed like an eternity, the blows stopped and the pipe clattered to the ground. Her wrists were released and they fell to her sides as her paralyzed body collapsed into her captor's grasp.

He half dragged, half carried her across the room, dumping her unceremoniously into a tub of icy water. Chains once again bound her wrists behind her back and then linked her ankles together as well and both pairs of cuffs were locked to steel loops welded to the tub. Olivia struggled against this new treatment, finally managed to at least move her fingers and rattle her chains. Her captors just laughed at her weak struggles as they finished chaining her heavy collar to the tub. They each gave her a parting kiss on her silenced lips and the burly, deep-voiced man rumbled, "See you tonight, honey. I hope you get some rest but I thought you needed a bath first. Enjoy." Suddenly a shock ripped through her body and she convulsed and screamed into her gag. Just as suddenly, her body slackened and she wheezed into the gag, trying to catch her breath through her broken nose. After a few minutes respite to hear the door shut and lock behind her torturers, a second shock ripped through her, curling her toes and fingers, lighting her nerves on fire. Olivia began to pray for death in earnest.

Elliot leaned in to stare into the eyes of his partner's kidnapper. "Where is she, you son of a bitch?" he hissed, spitting in O'Hara's face. "Tell us. If she dies, I'll personally put the needle into your arm."

O'Hara met Elliot's eyes. "She won't die. She won't like it, but she won't die." Elliot shoved himself back from the table, disgusted and angry. He had been at this for 6 hours, ever since they had picked him up in the parking lot of Mark's plumbing where he was employed. Elliot jerked open the interrogation room door, hoping to get some insight from Cragen or Huang. The first thing he saw, however, was Alex's panicked expression. She strode into the squad room and stopped when she was greeted with identical sad expressions from Cragen and Elliot.

"You have him? Where is she?" she pleaded with the two detectives. They both shook their heads, refusing to meet her worried, blue eyes. Alex sank into a chair, gripping the armrests, and said, "Make him tell you. You have to find her, you have to find her."

Suddenly, they heard a raised voice from inside the interrogation room. Elliot threw open the door, glaring, and said, "Shut up, asshole."

O'Hara smirked and said, "Did I just see the blonde Alexandra Cabot? I want to talk to her."

"No way," sneered Elliot. "You don't deserve to speak to her after what you've done."

"Detective, detective. I have something to offer her. I'll tell her where her precious Olivia is, but only if Miss Cabot is the one to find her." When Elliot turned to exit the interrogation room, Alex was already standing just behind them.

Their eyes met and she murmured, "Elliot, let me do it."


	6. Chapter 6

O'Hara had insisted on accompanying them to the site of Olivia's captivity. They drove a squad car with him in the back and Elliot and Alex in the front. They were tailed by Munch, Fin, Cragen and some uniforms. He led them to a warehouse far from Manhattan in a relatively isolated field on Long Island. While en route, O'Hara regaled them with tales of his activities with Olivia: recording her screams, torturing her with whips, visiting only at night when her screams wouldn't be heard in the deserted location. Alex tried her best to block him out but, with each of his words, pictures of Olivia suffering at his hands plagued her mind.

Finally, they reached their destination and O'Hara gave Alex and Elliot instructions on how to find the missing detective. Elliot fit Alex with a bullet-proof vest before they headed to the warehouse. They opened the door and, using their flashlights, located a set of dingy, rusty stairs leading down to a basement. They followed them, Elliot leading with gun and flashlight in hand and Alex behind, barely daring to breathe in case she would jinx her opportunity to find her lover. They reached a door just as O'Hara described and Alex pulled the key he had given her from her pocket. Through the thick steel, she heard a faint noise that sent chills straight to her heart. Hurriedly, she jammed the key in the lock and wrenched the door open. She was first assaulted by the cold and then by the muffled sounds of agonized screaming. She and Elliot hurried until they finally spotted her brown head leaning on the lip of a metal tub.

Olivia was screaming behind her horrific gag, her voice cracking deep in her throat, her body too weak to do anything else as she limply convulsed. Alex, ignoring Elliot's warnings that a perp might still be there, ran ahead, realizing that Olivia was receiving electric shocks through the water filling the steel tub. She found the power supply and violently ripped it from the wall, ending Olivia's torture. The brunette's gravelly screams faded to pained and muted moans as she slumped further into the freezing water. Alex dropped to her knees beside the tub and cradled Olivia's face between her hands. Olivia's skin was so cold, too cold, and Alex's hands shook. Elliot caught up to the kneeling blonde and shined the light onto Olivia's brutalized body and face. Alex released Olivia's face when she caught a clear glimpse of what that man had inflicted on her lover. She crawled a few feet away and vomited, unable to stomach the images of her lover's suffering any longer.

Elliot knelt near Olivia and, feeling for her pulse, radioed Cragen to tell him all was clear and to call a bus. After a moment, Alex returned and, taking Olivia's face in her hands once again, leaned down and kissed her forehead gently. "Elliot," Alex whispered, "We have to get her out of this. We have to get her out." Elliot stood and quickly located a pair of bolt-cutters hanging on a peg board among other instruments that he hoped Olivia had not felt. He cut through the locks attaching Olivia's chains to the tub and, before he could set the tool down, Alex had already scooped the brunette into her arms.

Alex used the surprising strength in her lithe body to lift Olivia from the tub and settle her on the blonde's lap, supporting her upper body with thin arms. The freezing water streamed off of Olivia's almost lifeless body and the brunette began to weakly shiver. Elliot quickly tore off his long coat and spread it over Olivia's prone, naked body, but not before he saw the damage and humiliation she had endured. As Alex clutched Olivia in her arms, her tears fell into Olivia's damp hair and she wished she could shut out the faint sounds of her girlfriend's muffled whimpers of pain and her shivers. She held Olivia's head in her arms, pressed to her breast, and stroked her hair as she whispered reassuring words that she hoped her lover could hear.

Cragen, Fin and Munch arrived just a few minutes later, guns out, and scoured the large, dimly-lit room for other perps. Cragen grasped Elliot's shoulder and squeezed lightly, reassuring the detective that they had succeeded, though he knew that there would be a long night in the ER waiting room ahead. Munch ran back upstairs to check on the ETA of the bus and advise the uniforms standing guard outside of the situation. Fin knelt by Alex's side and, trying not to look at the injured woman in her arms, murmured calming words to the silent blonde. Olivia moaned and flinched at the sound of the hushed voices echoing in the dank basement. Alex held her tighter, closing her eyes and pressing trembling lips to the top of her girlfriend's head, as she tried to concentrate on Fin's words assuring her that the ambulance was coming.

A few minutes passed before they faintly heard sirens nearing the building. The paramedics rushed down the rickety stairs with bags and a portable stretcher in hand. They fitted a stabilizing collar over the iron one Olivia still wore, in case of neck injury, and then, with Fin supporting Alex, lifted her on to the stretcher. As the EMTs maneuvered the stretcher up the staircase, speaking in professional tones, Alex struggled to stand on legs left shaky by emotion and adrenaline. "I have to go with her," she spoke in a soft, shuddering voice.

Fin, still holding her shoulders firmly, replied, "Come on, hon, I'll drive you to the hospital." The detective's guided the trembling ADA up the stairs and helped her into the squad car. Fin hopped into the driver's seat and Munch climbed in back as Elliot and Cragen prepared to follow. Both drivers switched on their flashing lights in order to follow the ambulance rushing their sister in blue to the ER.

Once they pulled into the hospital's parking lot, Alex sprang from the car, followed rapidly by Elliot, and practically ran through the doors to the front desk. "I'm here for Olivia Benson," she said breathlessly. "She was just brought in by ambulance."

The nurse looked up calmly, and said, "Yes, she was just admitted and is in surgery. Are you a relation?"

"I," Alex choked. "I'm her girlfriend. Please…" The nurse cut her off.

"I'm sorry, but I can't give any information to a friend. Does she have any family?" Elliot broke in, standing just behind Alex for support.

"She means they are in a relationship. They live together. My name is Elliot Stabler and I'm a detective for the NYPD Special Victims' Unit. Detective Benson is in my squad and this is our ADA Alex Cabot." The nurse gave Alex a skeptical glance before yielding.

She handed Elliot a stack of paperwork and a pen and said, "They took her for surgery. When her surgeon comes out, I'll let her know you're here."

Alex and Elliot took chairs near Cragen, Fin and Munch and Elliot handed over the papers to Alex saying, "You do these, you know the answers better than I do." He smiled and she weakly sighed back, accepting the papers and bending over them.

Cragen leaned over to Elliot, "Did you get an update?" Elliot shrugged.

"Said she's in surgery and the doctor will talk to us when she's out." Like Alex, Cragen sighed and gratefully accepted the coffee Munch handed him before offering one to Fin, Elliot and Alex. All they could do now was wait and hope.

It was more than three hours before a doctor dressed in scrubs emerged, stopped by the nurse's desk and then proceeded towards the worried group. "I'm looking for Alex Cabot," she said questioningly. Alex quickly looked up and answered with a small wave of her hand. "I need to discuss Olivia Benson's status with you." She trailed off as the four detectives rose to stand protectively around the slim blonde.

"You can tell them too. They're her family," Alex murmured in a strained voice.

"Well, Ms. Benson is stable right now. We spent the last few hours setting her arms and putting them in casts. Her knees are shattered so we put in some temporary pins that will hold for now but she will need surgery in the future for a more permanent solution. I'm afraid we have not yet been able to do much for the injuries to her genitals. We need to let them heal first and then she can have reconstructive surgery. But for now, we will bandage them and give her antibiotics to fight any possible infections. She is just waking up now. Would you like to see her?" Despite the detectives' desperation to see their girl, they deferred to Alex, turning to give her reassuring looks and squeezes on her shoulder.

Alex followed the surgeon through the hospital's sterile and busy halls until they reached the intensive care unit and room 318. "Ms. Benson is here," she said, gently. "She can't speak yet because we had to put in a trache tube to help her breathe, but she's awake." She placed her hand briefly on the blonde's back before turning and striding down the hall.

Alex slowly entered, desperate to see her lover alive but frightened at how badly she had been injured. Pushing back the privacy curtain, Alex thought Olivia looked peaceful. She lay perfectly still, swathed in soft white blankets, her two arms in casts bent at ninety degrees resting on her stomach. An ugly blue and white tube protruded from the base of her throat and was connected to a machine hissing and whooshing by her bedside. Olivia's eyes were closed and, had it not been for the bruising of her broken cheekbone and blackened eyes, Alex could have sworn she was just asleep. As she sat gently on the edge of the bed and reached to grasp Olivia's fingers in her own, the brunette opened her eyes and slowly met Alex's sad gaze. They stayed like that for a moment before Olivia squeezed her hand gently and weakly tried to smile, though she then closed her eyes in pain.

Alex leaned down and planted a feather-light kiss on Olivia's forehead, whispering, "My sweet girl. I'm here. I'm here and I'll never let you go again. The doctor said you can't speak, so just know how much I love you." Olivia kept her eyes shut and squeezed Alex's hand again briefly before she succumbed to the medication in the IV drip and drifted off to a painless sleep.

Alex sat perfectly still for a few more moments, holding Olivia's hand and letting waves of relief wash over her as she reveled in its warmth. A nurse drew back the privacy curtain and leaned in to say, quietly, "Ma'am, visiting hours in the ICU are over." Alex met his eyes and nodded before she leaned down to press a kiss lingeringly on Olivia's forehead and stood gracefully. She followed the nurse down the hall until she joined the Olivia's waiting colleagues prowling nervously around the nearly empty waiting room.

"Alex," started Captain Cragen before Alex held up her hand and cut him off.

"Cragen, guys, she's alive. She's alive," Alex whispered and, fight as she might, tears began to roll down her cheeks. The men closed protectively around their dear friend and Cragen put his arm tightly around her shoulders as they escorted her to the car for the ride home.


	7. Chapter 7

The next morning, Alex drove herself to Bellevue, a bag containing her essentials and some comforts for her girlfriend sitting on the seat next to her. As she parked her car and began the trek into the hospital, Alex felt a tightening in her chest as she anticipated seeing the broken body of her girlfriend again.

Pulling aside the privacy curtain in Olivia's room, Alex's body shuddered as she took in her lover's ashen skin and bruised face, noting that, though the tracheotomy was still in place, it was thankfully disconnected from the breathing machine and capped off. As she set the bag on the chair near Olivia's bed, the brunette slowly opened her eyes, finally finding the sad face of her blonde lover. Alex perched on the edge of the sterile hospital bed and smiled at the injured woman, gently caressing her cheek with a slender, pale hand. "Hi darling," Alex murmured, rubbing the pad of her thumb tenderly across Olivia's undamaged cheekbone.

Olivia swallowed painfully before whispering, "Alex," in a gravelly rasp.

"Shhhh, honey. Don't speak," soothed Alex. "I just want to be with you for a while. I'm so glad you're alive." As she spoke, Alex let her eyes roam across Olivia's visible injuries. Thankfully, the doctors had removed the hideous collar locked around Olivia's neck and the ring piercing her nose. They had cut the bindings gagging and blinding the gentle woman, though Alex knew she would never forget the image of her lover tortured so heinously. Alex dreaded learning the details of the state of the rest of Olivia's body but understood that she would soon have to face her fear. Olivia's eyes followed Alex's as they roamed and she turned away in shame. Alex noticed and continued stroking her uninjured cheek as she lowered herself to press a soft kiss to Olivia's hairline. "Olivia," she murmured. "Don't."

Before Alex could continue, a blonde nurse entered, pulling the curtain back to reveal a wheeled tray covered in cloths and other items. "Hi Ms. Benson," she chirped brightly. "My name is Amanda and I'm here to clean you up a little." Alex looked at Olivia and then back at the nurse.

She started. "Do I need to leave?"

But Amanda cut her off, saying, "Only if Ms. Benson wants you to."

Alex met her lover's eyes and Olivia shook her head gingerly and rasped, "Stay."

"Alright then," confirmed the nurse. "Let's start." Amanda ripped open a foil package and drew out a steaming, wet cloth. She began with Olivia's arms, cleaning her fingers gently and as much of the rest of her arm as she could reach. Once finished with the first cloth, the nurse picked up a soft towel and patted Olivia's damp skin to keep her from feeling chilled. Alex perched on the side of the bed and held the fingers of Olivia's right hand in hers as the nurse tore open the second foil package.

This time she cleaned Olivia's face, ghosting over her broken and swollen cheekbone and nose. She carefully wiped the wincing brunette's neck before she eased the thin gown down to reveal Olivia's collarbone and shoulders and the tops of the thick bandages protecting her brutalized breasts. As she worked, Amanda hummed to herself and occasionally spoke to Olivia, letting her know what she was doing. She pulled the gown a little further down to inspect the bandage and, seeing the blood beginning to soak through, murmured, "I'll let your charge nurse know that these need to be changed." Alex struggled to hold back her tears as unbidden thoughts of her lover's torture and scarring to her most private areas.

Amanda re-tied the gown around Olivia's neck and pulled the warm blankets up to tuck them snugly over Olivia's shoulders. She then moved to the foot of the bed and lifted the blankets from Olivia's legs before tenderly cleaning as much of the foot and leg as she could reach; Olivia's right leg was encased in a cast reaching from her foot to her hip and her left leg was hidden to just above her knee. She pushed the blanket up a little further to reveal the bandages hiding Olivia's mutilated core and her now bony hips and flat stomach. Olivia closed her eyes tightly and weakly squeezed Alex's slender hand. Alex made soothing sounds low in her throat and reached to take Olivia's other hand, trying to pass on as much strength as she could to her anguished partner. Amanda inspected the bandage gently before beginning her cleansing of Olivia's striped and bruised stomach and hips. After what seemed like a year to Alex, Amanda pulled the gown and blankets back down to re-cover Olivia's now shivering form. Amanda turned and said, "I'll send your charge nurse in when she's available to change your bandages and update your chart, Ms. Benson." She then turned and wheeled the cart away, pausing to close the privacy curtain as she left.

Alex turned back to Olivia only to see her lover's eyes still closed and hot tears falling slowly to her cheeks. Alex reached to pull a tissue from the box near Olivia's bed and dabbed gently at the quietly sobbing woman's eyes. The action got Olivia's attention and she opened her eyes to find Alex hovering concernedly over her. "Shhhh, darling," Alex said, smiling softly. "Don't cry. I'm here."

Olivia shut her eyes again and, chest still shaking, whispered, "Don't look, Alex. Don't look at me." Alex recoiled emotionally, reeling from her lover's rebuke. Fighting her own tears, she maneuvered her body further on to Olivia's bed and gingerly lay down on her side. She tucked one hand under her left cheek and stretched her right arm protectively over Olivia's stomach, careful to apply just enough pressure for Olivia to feel the presence but not enough to jar the brunette's broken ribs. Alex nestled close to Olivia, briefly pressing her lips to Olivia's uninjured cheek before settling her head comfortably on the pillow next to Olivia's.

"Olivia," Alex whispered gently but firmly, her breath warming Olivia's cheek. "I love you, I think you're beautiful no matter what. Nothing could change the way I feel. Nothing, not you, not my family, not God himself, nothing. Do you hear me?" Olivia groaned softly, deep in her throat in response, her tears continuing to wet her cheeks. Alex continued.

"I think about how lucky I am to have you everyday, even yesterday, even today. We have a long road ahead of us, but I'll be here every day to hold your hand. And tell you how much I love you." As Alex sensed Olivia's breathing beginning to steady, she continued for another moment.

"Now, I want you to remember what I just told you and I want you to keep your eyes shut and try to rest. I promise I won't move." Alex continued to hold her girlfriend as Olivia's breathing slowed and deepened until she drifted to sleep. Closing her eyes and taking a trembling breath, Alex tried to let her body relax as she felt her exhausted body slipping towards sleep.

Alex blinked sleepily, her mind sluggishly noting that the only familiar thing in the room was the presence of her lover sleeping deeply in her arms. She noticed an unfamiliar person moving deftly around the room and turned slowly to look at her, moving carefully to avoid waking the exhausted woman who was still resting. The nurse gave Alex a small smile and pressed her index finger to her lips for a moment before turning to Olivia's IV bag and turning the dial controlling the morphine drip up a notch. She then beckoned to Alex, urging her to come into the hall.

Alex followed the nurse as she led the way, closing the door quietly behind them. She turned to Alex and introduced herself. "Hi, I'm Nancy, you must be Ms. Cabot. I'm Ms. Benson's charge nurse and Ms. Benson's emergency contact, Don Cragen, told me that I should speak to you about her condition." Alex nodded silently, her thoughts still in bed, nestling close to the woman she was so grateful to still be able to hold. The nurse continued, obviously used to the reactions of ICU patients' loved ones.

"So, I just upped her morphine drip. The most important thing for her right now is rest and pain management. The longer she spends sleeping peacefully, the faster she'll heal. And I am going to change her bandages now and I think it would be better for her to sleep through the process as I'm afraid it will be painful. But, if you would like to stay while I work, you are welcome. Then you can learn how to change her bandages when we let her go home." Alex continued to nod silently until her last statements.

Suddenly, the reality of the situation struck the blonde lawyer and she blurted, "Of course," speaking louder than she had meant to. Nancy simply smiled, glad to support the woman who was obviously still in shock begin to deal with the tragedy that had occurred. Working in the ICU for as long as she had, Nancy had long since learned about the strength of love and its role in healing.

Nancy sent Alex back into Olivia's room and promised to return soon with the needed supplies. Alex took the time to compose herself, preparing herself to face more of Olivia's broken body. Nancy returned all too soon, wheeling a cart covered in sterile gloves, gauze, ointments and tape. She first took note of Olivia's vitals on the chart hanging on the foot of the bed, taking her pulse, measuring her blood pressure and respiration rate and scribbling down the temporary increase in the morphine dosage. Then, snapping on gloves, she picked up a pair of small scissors and pushed the blanket up to Olivia's waist, revealing the thick and now bloodstained bandages protecting Olivia's mutilated genitals. Nancy deftly and carefully cut away the bandage, peeling it gingerly from where it stuck to Olivia's injuries. Alex could feel herself shaking as her lover's brutalized core was revealed.

Wicked-looking black stitches held together the remaining fragments of what were once Olivia's beautiful folds. Now blood seeped from still open wounds and her small clitoris, which Alex had loved to tease endlessly, was swollen and inflamed from the piercing the doctors had removed. Nancy cleaned the injured area as gently as possible with alcohol wipes, glad that her patient was essentially unconscious as the nurse could hardly imagine the pain she would have otherwise felt. As she worked, she spoke gently, explaining her actions to the blonde woman silent and shaking by her side, staring in horror at the sleeping woman's exposed injuries. Finally, Nancy re-covered the wounds with soft, white gauze, securing it in place with medical tape and pulling the blankets to cover Olivia's legs.

Once her lover was covered again, Alex felt her legs give out and she collapsed into a chair. She buried her head in her hands, struggling to comprehend the sudden changes that had occurred over the last three days. The love of her life was a strong woman and a passionate lover one day and now she had been transformed into an unconscious, frail shell with injuries hidden behind white gauze and casts. Nancy clasped her shoulder, squeezing gently as she knelt down to come to eye level with the devastated woman. Speaking softly, Nancy began.

"Ms. Cabot, if it's too much, you can wait in the hall until I finish. But I really think that, while she is asleep, this is a perfect time for you to get used to this. You can't change the past but you can provide a strong source of support for her as she comes to terms with the situation herself. Imagine that. Imagine if you had suffered the way she has and your love was unable to look at your body." Nancy paused to give Alex a moment to gather herself before Nancy resumed her work.

The nurse stood and began to ease the blankets from Olivia's slack shoulders, gently moving each of her casted arms as she untied and pulled the gown from the slumbering woman's body. As she began to cut the bandage covering Olivia's chest, she sensed a fragile presence nearby. Alex had risen from the chair and had joined the nurse, eyes fixed on her girlfriend's injuries. She gripped the side of the bed with a white-knuckled grip and her breathing was shallow, but Nancy felt her heart swell with happiness; she had a good feeling about the future of these women.

As the bandages were removed, Alex felt more hot tears sting her eyes. Olivia's beautiful, firm breasts were mangled and bloody, as if she had been attacked by a dog. The delicate skin was torn and swollen in long stripes which continued to bleed as the nurse cleaned them as gently as possible and rubbed them with soothing ointment. She talked Alex through the procedure, though the blonde didn't make a sound until Nancy carefully covered the injured flesh with clean gauze. Suddenly, Alex's hand shot out and caressed Olivia's side, cupping her bandaged breast for a moment just to reassure herself that the brunette was still alive, was still with her. The nurse pulled the blankets back up to Olivia's collarbone before gently grasping the sleeping woman's side and turning her carefully so that Olivia lay on her right side.

Nancy eased the gown from her back and began gingerly peeling off the thick gauze. Alex's legs gave out and she barely managed to support herself by grabbing the edge of the hospital bed. Olivia's back had been beaten bloody; there were deep whip cuts that still oozed blood and welts that crisscrossed until they looked almost like a woven cloth. There was simply no skin left across her shoulder blades and down her back to her waist. Nancy smoothed more ointment across the wounds before re-covering them with clean bandages. Holding back her own hot tears, Nancy tried to block out the horrifying injuries before her and dialed down the morphine drip so that Olivia could wake up. She squeezed Alex's arm briefly before she wheeled her equipment out the hospital room door.

Alex climbed back into bed with Olivia. She wanted her girlfriend to wake up in her arms, safe and warm. As Alex once again nuzzled against Olivia's uninjured right cheekbone and laid her arm protectively across Olivia's thin middle, Alex's thoughts wandered. She could hardly comprehend that their lives had changed so much in only four days. The week had begun with this woman surprising Alex with a special date and now was ending with the blonde cradling the nearly lifeless body of her lover in a cold, dull hospital room. Alex sighed, her breath blowing warmly over Olivia's collarbone, and she rested her head on the pillow, taking in her lover's scent with each breath.


	8. Chapter 8

Alex nearly leapt out of the bed when she was woken by a slight movement under her arm. Instead, she slowly and carefully propped herself up on her left elbow to look down on Olivia's pale face. To her surprise, Alex's gaze met brown eyes, open but blinking sleepily. Alex smiled warmly. "Good morning, sweetheart."

Olivia weakly tried to clear her throat and then whispered, "Alex, where am I?"

"Darling, you're in the hospital. Do you remember?" asked Alex, concernedly.

Olivia shut her eyes for a moment and then spoke, "Yeah, I remember. When can I go home?" Alex choked back a tearful giggle at her girlfriend's words. Even flat on her back in a hospital bed hooked up to wires and tubes, Olivia hated feeling helpless. Alex moved to grasp Olivia's hand as she laid her cheek back on the pillow.

She pressed her lips to Olivia's cheek and murmured, "Soon, sweet girl, soon."

Eventually, Alex extracted herself from her now sleeping lover's bed to grab a sandwich from the bag she had brought. She sat quietly in the room's chair, munching her meal and thinking about the future. Before she had even finished half of the sandwich, though, she heard soft tapping at the open door, on the other side of the privacy curtain. Alex rose and silently drew back the curtain, revealing the concerned faces of Don Cragen and Olivia's fellow detectives. Cragen spoke for all of them, saying, "Alex, how's she doing? Can we see her?" The other men nodded emphatically in support of Cragen's questions. Alex smiled warmly at the worried crowd. She loved these men nearly as much as Olivia did for they were Olivia's family; she had none of her own.

Drawing back the curtain, Alex said, "Come in. She's been sleeping all day. I'll wake her up for a few minutes. I'm sure she'll be happy to see you."

The men filed past the blonde woman, silently and nervously lining up at the foot of the hospital bed where their beloved colleague rested, pale and battered. Alex bent over the head of the bed, smoothing Olivia's hair back from her forehead as she coaxed her from sleep. Eventually, Olivia opened her eyes and found the four men shifting anxiously from foot to foot. She grinned weakly at them and, rasping, said, "Hi, guys." Her hands shifted across the blankets as if to smooth them.

Finally Fin, the smoothest one as usual, said, "Hi Olivia. We just stoppin' by to see if you're ai'ight."

Olivia smiled a little wider, as if to help the nervous men relax, and said, "Yeah, Fin, I'm fine. Alex is taking good care of me."

Fin replied, "Well, that's good. We want you back. Munch's wit is killing us without you there to make him shut up." The conversation continued for a few minutes, teasing Munch, getting updates on Elliot's kids. However, their usually fluid relationships were now spotted here and there with uncomfortable pauses for none of the men could rid themselves of the image of their tortured colleague being held by her panicked lover.

At last, Elliot checked his watch and announced that, if he didn't leave for home soon, his children would file a missing person's report. He stepped forward and, taking one of Olivia's hands in his, leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead and say goodbye. Each of the others followed suit, tenderly doting on their fellow detective as if she were their sister or daughter, lying hurt in a hospital bed. As much as she fought the urge, Olivia couldn't help flinching with each male touch, even though these were men she had known and trusted for years. Alex noticed and was sure that the men noticed but she put on a brave face as she escorted them to the hall.

Cragen drew her aside, out of Olivia's hearing, and said, "Alex, if you need anything, anything at all, call one of us. You know how much we all love her and you also know how stubborn she can be. She's got a long recovery ahead of her but we're all here for you both. Now, can you tell us about her condition?"

Alex nodded slowly, reluctant to relive what she had seen earlier in the day. She spoke quietly as the men leaned in. "It's awful, so awful. I don't… I don't." Alex paused to compose herself and then continued.

"Well, the worst parts are her knees. They must have bashed them in with a pipe or something. She's got a few surgeries ahead of her before she gets back on her feet. She's also got other broken bones: arms, ribs, legs, feet, her cheekbone. That bastard did a number on her. The rest should heal though there'll be a lot of scarring. Right now, I'm still thanking God that she's alive." The men nodded silently and, in turn, hugged the slender blonde woman. They loved her like a sister; anyone that important to Olivia deserved their respect and liking.

Olivia woke and blinked slowly, searching for something familiar in the dark. She continued to blink as she struggled to remember where she was. She thought she remembered Alex, Alex's face above hers, the relief of Alex's arms holding her close once the torture had ended. With horror, an image of the men who had tortured her sprang to her mind. She was back in their captivity. She panicked. Her breathing quickened, coming in shallow painful gasps, and her heart pounded in her chest. Suddenly she heard footsteps approaching quickly. She struggled to move, struggled to escape, to hide, anything to keep him from imagining new ways of tormenting her already broken body.

Hands touched her, pressing her back down and a man's voice spoke but she couldn't understand the words. She fought against him, so desperate she barely registered the stabbing pains shooting through her abused limbs and her mutilated flesh. Suddenly there was a second man also trying to hold her as images and sensations of her mutilation flooded her mind. She fought harder though she could feel herself weakening quickly. Sobs tore through her chest and she rasped terrified breaths through her clenched teeth. A complicated looking leather object caught her eye and she renewed her efforts as the second man forced it around her arm and fastened the strap to the bed. Quickly the process was repeated on her other arm and around her cast-enclosed ankles, securing her tightly to the bed. She continued to squirm as much as she could, breathing heavily and letting hot tears stream over her cheeks. Olivia saw the flash of a syringe for a second before she felt it plunge into her hip. Soon afterwards, her struggles weakened and her breathing slowed. Her eyes became heavy and then too heavy and she forced one last thought of Alex through her mind before she lapsed into unconsciousness.


	9. Chapter 9

Alex arrived early the next morning with her bag of essentials and a potted ivy for Olivia's room. She knew Olivia detested cut flowers, the way that they quickly wilted and turned brown. So Alex brought her something that wouldn't die but would grow green and full as she recovered. She was sure Olivia would approve and she strode to the now familiar room with the lightest heart she had felt in nearly a week. As she turned the corner into Olivia's room, however, she dropped the plant and her bag in horror.

Olivia lay stiff as a board in her bed, her arms and legs tightly bound to the rails of her bed, and a wide-eyed look of frozen terror on her face. Alex, holding her breath, reached Olivia's side in three long steps and fought the buckles holding the straps in place until they fell open. Alex quickly freed her lover before she bent down to look into Olivia's panicked eyes and gently caress the sides of her neck reassuringly. "Olivia," Alex said clearly and as calmly as she could. "Olivia, look at me. Look at me!"

Finally, Olivia seemed to snap back to reality and she met Alex's concerned gaze. She blinked and swallowed hard as she realized that Alex was here and she was safe again. Tears welled in Olivia's eyes and she cried in her lover's partial embrace. Her soft cries and violent shaking broke Alex's heart and she held her brunette girlfriend as closely as she could, despite the awkwardness of her position.

When Olivia's cries gentled to small hiccups and she eased back into the pillow, exhausted, Alex kissed her forehead warmly and then straightened up. With a gentle smile, Alex murmured, "Lay here and rest for a minute, honey, I'll be right back. I just need to talk to your doctor for a minute. Shhh." She kept her tone soothing as Olivia's eyes flashed open. "I'll just be a minute. You're alright, I'm here now." Olivia seemed to relax a fraction and let her eyes close again, unable to fight her exhaustion and the drugs in her system any longer. With one last caress, Alex released her lover and stalked out in the hall to find out what had happened to Olivia while she was away.

Alex first stopped at the nurses' station at the end of the hall and, with ice blue eyes flashing, inquired about the nurses on duty overnight and responsible for Olivia's care. She took down their names and ID numbers and made a mental note to find each one when he came on duty that evening. She then asked them to page Olivia's doctor, Dr. Schneider, and when they refused, she nailed them with her coldest look, put on her best courtroom voice and said flatly, "I need to see him right now or I will sue this hospital and every one of its employees for negligence and malpractice." The nurses initially thought to tell her off but, seeing the deadliness of her glare, complied and quickly put through the page.

Alex strode rapidly back to Olivia's room and, after setting her bag on the chair and throwing the remains of the plant and its pot in the trash, lowered herself gently onto the edge of the bed. Olivia lay still, her breathing still shallow, but her eyes now closed. Alex resumed her now customary position, curled on her side, nose toward Olivia's uninjured cheek, and right arm gently but protectively resting across Olivia's warm stomach. She stayed perfectly still, eyes closed, breathing in the scent of her lover's skin and relishing the feel of Olivia's warm, living body beneath her arm. Alex focused on the feelings, the scents, the soft sounds of Olivia's breathing as she pushed back thoughts of her lover's panicked eyes, the injuries hidden beneath the gauze and blankets and the terror she must have felt as they tied her down. Alex simply thanked God that Olivia had been returned to her.

Too soon, Alex sensed a presence in the room. She opened her eyes and looked up to meet the eyes of Dr. Schneider, Olivia's ICU primary doctor. Alex eased herself from the bed carefully so as not to disturb Olivia's rest. She beckoned for Dr. Schneider to follow her into the hall so they could talk in normal voices. As soon as she was sure that they were out of earshot, Alex turned to the doctor, fixing him with her biting stare. "Doctor," she said, as evenly as she could. "When I came this morning, Olivia was tied to her bed and so terrified that she didn't recognize me. What went on last night?"

Dr. Schneider sighed and rubbed his eyes for he was a kind man at heart with a very difficult job. "Ms. Cabot," he said. "Ms. Benson had a panic attack. The nurses tried to calm her but she was fighting so hard they were afraid she would hurt herself. They used the restraints and gave her a sedative to help her stay calm. However, they went off duty before I arrived and had the chance to talk with them. I would never have allowed this to happen on my shift, you must know that. I can't believe that they used restraints on a rape victim. I was on my way to see that she had been released when I got your page. I have nothing but the greatest respect for what Ms. Benson does. We see too many special victims come through this unit to not appreciate it."

Alex's steely eyes softened as he spoke and she relaxed her tense stance. She closed her eyes, nodding, for a moment before re-meeting Dr. Schneider's sorrowful look. "Thank you for your kindness, Dr. Schneider," she murmured.

He looked back calmly and said, "You're welcome. I'll do everything in my power to help Ms. Benson recover. I promise." Alex smiled sadly and turned to go back to her lover. Dr. Schneider shook his head as he watched the shaken blonde woman walk away and then he shifted his focus back to the work at hand.

When she returned to Olivia's room, Alex felt her heart drop. Olivia, despite the bruising and swelling of her face, wore a heartbreakingly sad expression as tears slowly welled from her closed eyes. Alex approached slowly, careful to make sure her footsteps were loud enough to be heard so as not to startle the injured woman.

"Hey," she said, reassuringly. "I'm here now. Don't cry. It's alright." Alex perched on the bed and grasped Olivia's fingers in her own. To Alex's shame, Olivia flinched at the contact, her eyes squeezing momentarily tighter. Olivia groaned weakly in a shaking voice and Alex struggled with her own tears as she continued to caress Olivia's fingers. Alex kept her breathing even and deep, readying herself for what promised to be a hard day for her and for Olivia.

The hours passed slowly, broken only by nurses checking Olivia's vitals or bandages and Olivia's cries of fright and pain as she started from her narcotic-induced haze. It seemed to Alex that her poor, agonized lover hadn't slept all night and, after having her sense of safety shattered by the nurse's actions, still couldn't. Alex's heart ached; she silently begged for relief for Olivia. But all she could do was hold the brunette as close as possible and caress her uninjured flesh soothingly, murmuring loving words in to her ear.

That night, Alex refused to leave Olivia's side. She would not risk a repeat of the previous night's disaster. The nurse on duty grew flustered, protesting weakly against Alex's iron resolve and, soon, Dr. Schneider stopped in to check on Olivia and inquire about the raised voices. He quickly gave permission for Alex to remain, despite the end of visiting hours; Dr. Schneider firmly believed that her presence was in the best interest of his patient. The situation thus resolved, Alex thanked the doctor and sat down to eat her sandwich and read snippets of People magazine to her semi-conscious girlfriend. Soon, Alex slipped into the bathroom to wash-up and change into a pair of comfortable clothes. Then she emerged, reassured to see that Olivia was resting more quietly than before, a peaceful look on her face. Alex lay down, pulling an extra blanket over herself as she curled against Olivia's still frame and wrapped her arm protectively across her lover's warm stomach.

A sudden movement woke Alex from her sleep. She blinked for a moment, trying to remember where she was, before a second movement snapped her attention to the woman lying beside her on the narrow bed. Alex quickly propped herself up on her elbow and looked down, panicked, at her lover. Olivia's eyes had rolled back and her spine began to arch. Her hands were clenched tightly. Alex leapt from the bed and pushed the call button to summon the nurse. She wrapped her arms tightly around Olivia's jerking and shuddering body and tried to protect her from hurting herself. In only a few seconds, a nurse arrived, hurriedly entering and brushing back the privacy curtain. As soon as she saw the wild scene – Alex, naked fear distorting her face, and Olivia's body jerking uncontrollably – the nurse yelled down the hall for help. She brushed Alex brusquely away and rolled Olivia on to her side and depressed her tongue. Soon, two more nurses and a doctor rushed into the room, brightening the lights and surrounding Olivia's bed with confusion.

Alex backed away until her back pressed against the cold wall. She felt she could barely breathe and the professionals seemed to move in slow motion. She could not force the image of Olivia thrashing in her arms, her face contorted, her voice gasping agonized and unintelligible sounds, from her mind. After a year's worth of Alex's emotions, the doctor looked up and fixed her with a calm gaze. He approached slowly, never breaking eye contact, and spoke softly.

"Ms. Cabot, Ms. Benson is alright. She had a seizure which I think was caused by stress and pain medication. She has been through a lot in the past few days. But I don't expect her to have another, so long as she tries to rest. You can see her now, but she's very weak." He stepped aside to allow Alex to move.

The nurses left after checking Olivia's IV. Olivia met her girlfriend's concerned gaze but made no sound. Alex smiled, though her eyes remained sad. She lowered a hand to cup Olivia's cheek and then leaned to kiss just above Olivia's eyebrow. Olivia's eyes closed softly and she took a deep breath. She didn't re-open her eyes and Alex slipped back into bed, praying that her lover would make it through the rest of the night uninterrupted by dreams or seizures or pain.

When morning came, Alex squeezed her eyes shut, nestling close to Olivia's familiar presence and hoping for just five more minutes. A movement under the arm draped over her girlfriend jostled her memory and Alex shot awake. She suddenly remembered all too clearly Olivia's seizure during the night. Alex once again propped herself up and looked down on the brunette. Olivia's brown eyes were clear and open and she gave Alex a weak smile. "Hi," she croaked.

Alex, sighing to herself in relief, responded, "Hi," before she put her head back on to the pillow to enjoy a few minutes more of rest before beginning another day in the bleak hospital room. Olivia shifted her left arm until she managed to grasp Alex's thin forearm with her warm fingers. Alex smiled and made a contented sound deep in her throat, the sound vibrating warmly against Olivia's cheek. She wished that this moment would last longer, this moment when they both could pretend that the events of the last week had not happened.

This day passed much like the first few. Nurses refilled Olivia's IV bag, replaced her bandages. In mid-morning, a shy-looking nurse assistant arrived and delivered a meal tray containing jell-o, soup and juice. Alex greeted the girl with a friendly look and the girl responded, stating that Ms. Benson's doctor wanted her to try eating, if she felt up to it. As soon as she could, the shy nurse slipped from the room, leaving Olivia and Alex alone with the tray. Alex looked apprehensively at Olivia. Olivia, much to Alex's relief, grinned shyly at the blonde and said, "Alex, I'm starving." Alex stood and, leaning down, helped Olivia slowly sit up and lean against the angled mattress. Once comfortably settled, Olivia frowned down at the tray and her fingers fidgeted nervously. The women sat for a moment in silence before Alex understood the problem: both of Olivia's arms were encased in casts bent at the elbow. She couldn't bring the food to her mouth.

Alex sat on the bed facing her girlfriend. "What do you want to try?" she asked.

Olivia spoke softly, her cheeks reddening and her eyes down turned. "The soup, I guess." Alex carefully spooned the soup and, blowing on it, lifted it to Olivia's mouth. Olivia opened her mouth passively and ate the soup. Alex continued to feed her girlfriend gently but Olivia never met Alex's eyes. Once half of the soup was gone, Olivia asked to stop.

"Alex, I don't think I can eat any more," she said softly. "I'd like to lay down now." Alex, confused, silently eased Olivia back on to the bed, careful to move slowly and not rub the ugly welts on her back.

After a moment or two of silence, Alex moved to cradle Olivia's hand in her own. "Olivia," she murmured soothingly. "Olivia, are you alright?" Olivia, still refusing to look at the blonde, just sighed deeply. Alex frowned and rubbed Olivia's fingers warmly. "Olivia," she practically begged. "Look at me. Please."

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut against tears and her cheeks began to turn deep red. "I can't," she said shakily. Alex continued her ministrations to Olivia's fingers and waited for the brunette to finish. "I can't," Olivia repeated. "I'm so sorry, I'm so ashamed."

Alex flinched. "Why? You have nothing to be ashamed about. None of this is your fault," she reassured as calmly as she could.

"I don't want you to have to do this. Take care of me. I can't even feed myself," Olivia burst out with surprising vehemence. Alex reached and cupped her hand around Olivia's wet cheek, turning her head so they could face each other.

"Olivia," she said to her shaking girlfriend. "Look at me. Open your eyes, right now!" Olivia complied after a moment, slowly opening her eyes to meet Alex's blue ones. Alex stared her girlfriend down for a moment before continuing. "Olivia, I love you. You can't feed yourself right now, so I'll help you. You can't bathe yourself, so I'll do it. This is only temporary and I know you'd do the same thing for me. So accept my help and my love and we'll get through this. Understand?"

Olivia sobbed for a few more breaths before she forced her eyes open and met Alex's. "Yes," she answered softly. Alex smiled sadly at her lover and caressed the brunette's cheekbone with her thumb.


	10. Chapter 10

The next two days passed uneventfully. Alex defended her right to be with Olivia during the night to any nurse who happened to look at her sideways. Olivia clung to Alex, squeezing her hand as she struggled through bouts of intense, gut-wrenching pain, begging Alex to hold her when she woke up panicking from nightmares of torture, listening to Alex's voice read her newspaper or magazine articles so she could let the morphine carry her to sleep with her lover's soft voice echoing in her ears.

Cragen, Elliot, Munch and Fin came and left, sometimes while Olivia slept, to smile at their heinously injured colleague and drop off more magazines and packages of Olivia's favorite foods. Elliot brought a dozen cookies that Kathy and the kids made from scratch. Fin brought headphones and the calming R&B albums he was always playing for her. Cragen looked sadly on and rested his hand on her cast-enclosed ankle while Munch gave her animated blow-by-blows of Fin's antics. Olivia did her best to smile weakly at her friends – her family – but the visits exhausted her. Only a few minutes of enduring their efforts made Olivia rest her head on the pillow and fight to keep her eyes open. Alex gently shooed them out and returned to Olivia's side, smoothing the brown fringe back from the brunette's forehead and easing down onto the bed to cradle her exhausted girlfriend.

The afternoon of the second day, Olivia's nurse entered the room smiling widely. "Afternoon," she said brightly. "The doctor says you're going home in the morning, Ms. Benson." Olivia blinked and then smiled back at her.

"Really," she said softly. "Tomorrow?"

"That's right. So today I'm going to teach you and Ms. Cabot how to care for your wounds." The nurse deftly started, with Alex watching closely. She demonstrated how she used the bathing cloths to clean Olivia's exposed skin and how she smoothed Olivia's wounds with antibacterial salve before replacing the bandages. Once she was finished, the nurse handed Alex a stack of instructions.

"Don't worry," she laughed at the slightly bewildered women. "You'll get the hang of it in no time. Now, I'll get off soon and I probably won't see you before you're discharged. So I just wanted to say that I hope you heal soon and get back on the force. I know how much you do and I have the deepest respect." She turned to Alex and continued. "Take good care of her or you'll have me to answer to."

Alex laughed gently and replied, "Don't worry. You'd have to line up behind her partners." With a last laugh, the nurse grinned over her shoulder and left the women alone.

Alex grinned down at Olivia and squeezed her hand. "I'm taking you home, darling," she said breathlessly. Olivia returned her smile quietly. Alex continued. "Listen, I need to run out and pick up your prescriptions and some things for the apartment before I take you home tomorrow. Is that ok?" Olivia's eyes widened; the thought of being alone in the hospital room caused her heart to pound in terror.

Alex continued to caress Olivia's hand and quickly corrected herself. "I meant, would it be ok if I called Cragen to stay with you while I run out?" Olivia calmed enough to nod in agreement and smile uneasily at her lover. Alex kissed Olivia and then dialed Cragen. After a brief conversation, she said her goodbyes. She sat on Olivia's bed and leaned close to cradle Olivia with her left arm. Olivia shifted slightly so her cheek rested close to Alex's chest so she could listen to the soothing sound of her lover's steady heartbeat. Alex had her left arm wrapped around Olivia, her hand resting on the cast covering Olivia's right arm. Alex thanked God for Olivia's life but could hardly wait until she could hold her warm body close and without pain.

Cragen entered the room, knocking softly on the doorjamb so as not to startle the silent women. Alex looked up to meet the captain's sad eyes and smiled, raising her finger to her lips. Cragen soberly took in the sight of the ADA tenderly extracting herself from Olivia's bed, moving slowly and gracefully to avoid waking the sleeping brunette. Alex picked up her purse and coat from the chair in the room's corner and beckoned for Cragen to follow her into the hall. Once there, she turned and began. "Captain, thanks for coming at such short notice. They're ready to discharge her tomorrow morning and I need to pick up all of the prescriptions and things we need before I can take her home."

Cragen smiled broadly. "That's great Alex. And don't thank me; I'd never refuse a favor to you or to Olivia. You know that." Cragen reached out and clapped her on the shoulder reassuringly. "Bye Alex. See you in a little while." Alex returned his smile and, with a cheerful farewell, turned and strode briskly towards the stairs.

Cragen settled himself quietly in the chair in the room's corner, flipping on the lamp so he could read his newspaper without disturbing Olivia. She had always been one of his favorite people since the first day she walked into his office clutching her transfer papers. He loved her for her dedication, for her compassion and gentleness when dealing with victims. No one else in the squad could comfort traumatized children like she could. But beyond that, Cragen had developed a special relationship with her. He had never had children with his late wife but he had always wanted a daughter, one who would inherit his wife's shining personality and strength. Olivia had come into his life as a daughter who lacked a father and they became close. Sitting here in the dim hospital room, listening to the beeps and whirrs of the machines monitoring the prone woman, Cragen felt as if his heart was breaking. Olivia was so strong, had been through so much already. She didn't deserve to suffer any longer. She deserved to look forward to a happy future with Alex.

After an hour of reading the paper, Cragen had finished the local news section and he looked over the top of the paper to check on his charge. When his sad eyes met brown ones, he nearly dropped the paper in his rush to jump from the chair and approach her. Catching himself, he slowly folded the paper and walked to her side calmly so as not to startle her. Her eyes followed his path and he smiled down at her as he perched on the edge of her bed. Cragen carefully rested his hand on her cast-encased wrist and said, "Morning, Detective."

Olivia smiled weakly from her pillow and responded, "Captain. Why are you… Where's Alex?"

"She ran to the pharmacy and the supermarket so that the apartment will be ready when she takes you home tomorrow. She called me to keep you company while she was out. How are you doing?" Cragen asked. Olivia's smile faded a bit and she shut her eyes.

"I'm alright Captain. I, uh.." she trailed off.

"Shhhh," Cragen whispered. "Just rest. I'm here if you need anything, just ask." Olivia's eyelids fluttered open briefly before she groaned softly and relaxed back onto her pillow. Cragen sat perfectly still for another moment, unwilling to disturb her with any sudden movement, before he stood and moved back to his chair, flipping the paper open to the sports section.

Alex stepped softly into the dark room, bringing with her the lightest breath of the chill night outside. She grinned to herself at the sight of her lover deeply and peacefully asleep while her captain snored softly from a chair nearby. Alex draped her jacket over the edge of Olivia's bed and clasped Don's shoulder firmly, shaking gently. Don started awake, blinking unfocusedly for a moment before he remembered where he was. He winked at Alex before he stood stiffly and stretched his sore back. He gathered up his jacket and hat and paper and followed Alex to the still brightly lit hall. Alex reached for Cragen's hand and smiled warmly. "Thanks again, Don. I'm so glad to be taking her home tomorrow. Oh, and I want to invite you and the rest of the boys to come over tomorrow night to have a little dinner and welcome her home. I doubt she'll last long with Munch around, but I'm sure it would make her feel loved."

Cragen smiled and clasped Alex's hand tightly. "I'd be glad to come. I'll make sure the detectives know that it's not optional. Six o'clock?" Alex nodded and, impulsively, leaned to press a kiss to Cragen's weary cheek.

"Don, thank you. I mean it," she murmured. Cragen smiled even wider, despite the sad situation, and turned to head home for a night of much needed rest.

Alex returned to Olivia's room. She brushed her teeth and splashed water on her face before she changed into the set of pajamas she kept in the room. She prayed that everything would go smoothly and this would be the last night they would spend in this hospital. Alex padded silently to Olivia's bed and climbed in, curling into her customary position. She pressed a lingering kiss to Olivia's unhurt cheek and nuzzled close to her lover, holding the sleeping woman protectively.


	11. Chapter 11

The next morning, Alex woke to the sun streaming in through the room's flimsy curtains. She lay calmly for a moment before a smile stretched widely across her face. Today was the day that they left the hospital, that she took Olivia home and they tried to re-start their lives. She slipped from the bed to get dressed before the nurse came in with Olivia's discharge papers.

Once in the bathroom, Alex let her nerves show a little. The woman she was bringing home was Liv, but she was different. Liv was strong, fearless. This new woman was frightened, skittish, and needy. Alex still loved her but she had butterflies making her a little nervous anyway. She looked in the mirror as she smoothed her hair into a semblance of style and grinned at herself. Even with a few butterflies, today was still an exciting day. She laughed a little when she thought of how they had been talking about moving in together but neither had been quite ready to give up her apartment. Well, she thought, this must be fate's way of speeding things along.

She exited the bathroom with her small toothpaste and hair brush and other supplies in hand. She was nervous but all too ready to return to the comforts of her own bathroom and her queen-sized bed. She continued grinning as she met Olivia's gaze, still glazed with sleep. Alex dropped her things into her overnight bag and then sat on the edge of Olivia's bed. Olivia reached for Alex's hand as best she could with her casts and Alex returned her grip.

"When do we get to go?" asked Olivia, as eager as her blonde girlfriend to leave the cramped hospital room behind.

Alex laughed at her; Olivia had always hated hospitals. Cragen had to practically drag her there at gun point when she needed to get checked out after a perp punched her in the eye a few months back. "Soon," she laughed. "As soon as that nurse gets here." She leaned down and kissed Olivia's fingers and then rose to gather up the last of her things and Olivia's get-well cards.

Alex grinned to herself at how she could have identified the giver of each card without having to read the signature inside. There was a clumsily drawn house cat with glittery balloons that was obviously made by Eli, Elliot's young son. The simple and professional card with a photo of a beautiful flower arrangement was from Casey and Liz Donnelley and the rest of the DA's office. And Munch was obviously the giver of the card with a photo of a fake moon landing taking place on a stage. Only he could find a way to involve one of his favorite conspiracy theories into a situation like this. Alex carefully stacked them and tucked them away.

The nurse stepped in with a breakfast tray and smiled at Olivia. "Ms. Benson, your doctor is finishing your discharge papers and preparing a final packet of instructions for you and Ms. Cabot to follow once you're on your own. While you wait, I thought you might like some breakfast. It'll make you hungry for non-hospital food for lunch!"

Olivia smiled back, saying, "I'm already ready to be out of here, you don't need to motivate me any more. Do you know when he'll be finished?"

The nurse laughed and just waved her way out the door. Alex zipped up her bag and sat on the bed to help Olivia eat her breakfast. "What looks good, sweetheart? Juice or oatmeal?" she asked, her nose wrinkling at the sight of the brownish mush.

"Juice, Alex. If I eat that stuff, I'll be too sick to get out of here," Olivia replied, pinching Alex's side playfully.

"OJ it is then," chirped Alex as she opened the carton and held it to Olivia's lips. Olivia sipped the juice from the straw and tried not to laugh as Alex made hideous faces at her. Neither woman could help herself. The past few days had been so horrific and stressful that today, with the sun shining and the promise of finally returning home becoming more and more real, their spirits were high. Once Olivia had finished the juice, Alex replaced the carton on the tray and set the tray on a small table at the side of the room.

Alex retrieved a bag she had brought back to the hospital room after her excursion the previous night. From this bag, she pulled a pair of sweats and a zippered sweatshirt, a pair of large, thick socks and a woolen beanie. "I figured you wouldn't want to wear that gown home," she quipped when she noticed Olivia watching her curiously. "So I brought you some real clothes."

Olivia smiled back and Alex threw the items across the foot of the bed. "Now, let's try this without the nurse, shall we? I want us to have at least a little practice before we go home," she said as she helped Olivia gingerly sit up and tried not to stare at Olivia's grimace of pain. Alex untied the gown and pulled it down, easing it over her girlfriend's bandaged breasts and broken arms. Working quickly to prevent Olivia getting too cold, Alex swung the sweatshirt around Olivia's shoulders, tugging it down before working Olivia's arms through the sleeves. After a few minutes, they managed to successfully zip it closed and Alex decided to let Olivia rest for a few minutes before they tackled the pants. That was going to be more difficult since Olivia could not support herself on her broken limbs and Alex was terrified of accidentally touching the wounds between Olivia's legs.

Once she noticed Olivia surreptitiously glancing at her and fiddling embarrassedly with a corner of her blanket, Alex steadied herself and rose to finish her task. She had to get used to this and there was no time like the present. Alex untied the final strings holding the flimsy hospital gown closed and tossed it across the room's one chair. She then eased the blankets carefully off of Olivia's legs and bunched up the legs of the sweats so that she could slide each cuff over Olivia's feet. Working steadily and determinedly, she unbunched the pant legs and tugged the waistband over Olivia's casts and as far as she could get before she would need to help Olivia shift.

Alex stepped back for a moment, considering the best way to tackle this final obstacle. With some distress, Alex noted that Olivia was looking away, her cheeks hot and reddened. Alex considered addressing Liv's behavior but quickly decided against it, preferring to remain as calm as possible and hope that covering her would help with her shame.

"Liv," said Alex, in a carefully level tone. "I need your help. I want you to put your arms around my neck as best you can and hang on. Ok?" Olivia nodded and raised her arms shakily, still refusing to quite look Alex in the eye. Alex's heart skipped a sad beat but she maintained a perfectly calm and composed expression. She could deal with her own feelings later, once they were safe and comfortable in her apartment. Right now, she had to get Olivia dressed and both of them out the door.

Alex leaned in and felt Olivia's heavy, stiff arms settle across her shoulders. "Alright Olivia," she said clearly. "I'm going to lift you a little. If it hurts too much, just tell me to stop. Ok?" Olivia's short hair brushed Alex's cheek as the brunette nodded and Alex mentally counted to three before she quickly lifted her girlfriend and deftly slipped the sweat's waistband into place. She reached up and helped remove Olivia's arms, settling them back gently across Olivia's waist. Leaving her hands on Olivia's, she leaned back a little to look her girlfriend in the face. "How was that, darling?" she murmured. Olivia rested perfectly still for a moment before her breath hitched a little as she fought to keep her tears from falling. Alex bent back down and pressed her lips to Olivia's forehead as the injured woman's silent sobs began to intensify. "I know, baby, I know. I'll just hold you like this for a while, alright?" Alex said, fighting her own tears.

They stayed like that for a long time, Alex holding Olivia's hands and trying to stand strongly, letting her girlfriend lean against her, physically and emotionally. Eventually, Olivia's sobs gentled and her breathing steadied. Alex moved one hand to caress Olivia's tearstained cheek. "Let's lie back down and try to get some rest before the doctor brings the papers," she murmured as she helped Olivia ease her exhausted body back onto the pillows. Alex retrieved the blankets from the foot of the bed and smoothed them flat up to Olivia's waist. Satisfied that Liv was comfortable as possible and that there was sufficient room on the narrow bed, Alex climbed in beside her girlfriend and resumed the now all-too-familiar position. She rested her arm soothingly across Olivia's stomach and shut her eyes, hoping that her stillness would help Olivia achieve some small measure of peace.

Alex slid handfuls of spaghetti from a long cardboard box and cautiously dropped them into the pot of water boiling on the stove. She pushed the noodles down into the pot as they began to bend with the heat and stirred them slowly as she lost herself in thought, staring at the plumes of billowing steam. Getting Olivia home had not been easy. The nurses had helped her get Olivia from a wheelchair into Alex's waiting car, supporting her weight while she balanced for a few seconds on her casts. Once in the parking garage under Alex's building, the blonde had quickly unfolded the rented wheelchair she had stashed in her trunk and had, with some difficulty and pain on Olivia's part, maneuvered her injured girlfriend into the chair.

The elevator ride to Alex's floor was silent but for Alex's determined thoughts and Olivia's slightly labored breaths. In the apartment, Alex helped Olivia out of the chair as the nurses had instructed and eased her onto the plush, cream colored sofa. Olivia's eyes fluttered shut as Alex retrieved blankets to tuck around her partner's body, a slight crease in her brow the only indication that all of the excitement and exertion had affected her. Once Alex was sure that Olivia would be warm and comfortable enough, she fished around in her purse for one of the prescriptions she had picked up and a bottle of water. "Honey, here are your pills," she said softly. Olivia opened her eyes to look at Alex and compliantly opened her mouth to swallow the pills and a sip of water.

She smiled frailly and murmured, "Alex, it's good to be home."

Alex smiled in response and bent over her prostrate girlfriend to kiss her uninjured cheek and breathe in the delicate warmth of her hair. "Relax, baby, and try to rest. The boys will be here in a few hours and I'm sure they'll be excited to see you home. I'm going to take a shower and then get dinner started. Just call me if you need anything." She kissed Olivia again and rose to head to the bathroom, looking forward to the warmth of the water and the promise of washing away some of the horror of the past few days. Now that Olivia was safely resting, secure in Alex's apartment with no further threat of torture or terror, Alex could try to relax and help Olivia begin the healing process.

Now, as Alex stood in front of a pot of rapidly boiling noodles, hair still wet from her shower and beginning to frizz from the steam, the beeping of the timer finally brought her back to the present. She took a deep breath and flicked off the burner, dumping the spaghetti into the waiting colander. She drizzled the noodles with olive oil to keep them from sticking and then ran to the bathroom to throw her hair into a simple braid before the detectives arrived for their visit.

The presence of the detectives eating spaghetti, cracking jokes, drinking beers had been a welcome, if brief, distraction for the two women. Alex had carefully cut up Olivia's pasta, cautiously feeding her girlfriend forkfuls until Olivia begged her to stop, claiming that if she ate another bite, she'd be too heavy for Alex to support. Though Olivia joked, the smile did not quite reach her eyes and Alex noticed, but chose to pretend she hadn't. Instead, she chuckled and carried the plate to the sink. The men followed suit, understanding that Olivia would probably need to rest soon even though she would never admit it to her colleagues. They said their goodbyes, each in his own fashion, and quietly slipped from the apartment, unwilling to startle their friend whose eyelids were already drooping.

Once Alex shut the door behind Cragen and the others, accepting their quiet smiles of support, she set the deadbolt and breathed a heavy sigh. They had nearly made it through an entire day and she was exhausted but proud. She crossed to Olivia whose head lolled, cushioned against the sofa back. She tenderly caressed the sleepy woman's cheek, whispering her name to wake her. "Come on, darling, let's go to bed. It's been a long day," she whispered. Olivia dragged her eyes back open, obviously struggling to wake. Alex tossed the blankets across the sofa's arm and helped Olivia into her wheelchair. This action pained Alex more than any other; for Alex to support her weakened partner, she had to wrap her arms around Olivia's cracked ribs and welted skin. However, it had to be done and Alex was determined to remain strong for as long as it took.

Alex laid Olivia on her favorite side of the queen-sized bed and prepared herself to tackle the last task of the day: applying fresh bandages and salves to Olivia's wounds. Alex had been dreading this moment since they had received the discharge papers that morning. So she steeled herself and retrieved the bag of implements she had been given at the hospital along with the instruction sheet. She worked as quickly and gently as possible, resisting the urge to let her hands shake and trying to block out the sounds of Olivia's quickly suppressed whimpers and harsh breaths. Once she was finished, both women closed their eyes for a moment to find their centers.

Alex stowed the bandages and other gear in her bedside table and tucked Olivia in warmly. Olivia sighed in mixed pain and comfort as Alex drew the blankets snugly up to her chin. "I'll be right back," the blonde whispered. "Right after I get my pajamas on. Try to keep your eyes closed."

Olivia breathed deeply and whispered, so quietly Alex nearly didn't hear. "I love you."

Alex felt tears sting her eyes and a poignant smile cross her face as she responded. "I love you too, Liv. So much."


	12. Chapter 12

"Tell us why, O'Hara? We already know all of the other details since you so helpfully taped your crimes. Co-operate with us and we'll ask the DA to consider life-no-parole instead of asking for the death sentence. Why Detective Benson?" Detective Mallory continued grilling his perp, playing the good cop against his partner Detective Suarez's fierce presence. They had been at this four hours and this bastard had done nothing more than grin malevolently and give them detailed snippets of the tortures he inflicted on the detective. As he spoke, he practically drooled, pausing often to lick his lips like a dog who had just finished a mouthwatering dead bird.

A knock at the other side of the one-way mirror stopped Suarez just as he leaned in to breathe onions and threats across O'Hara's sneering face. He straightened and shot a glance filled with scorn at the hump before following his partner out of the cramped interview room.

"What's up, Cap?" Mallory asked.

Captain Meyer replied, "At this point, I think we should just take him back to the tombs. We have the evidence from his apartment which more than adequately indicates that he planned this and we've got him committing the acts on tape. I think its time to move on and get the statement from the vic. Here's her address, I've already called and said that you'll be there." He handed a slip of paper to Suarez and signaled for a couple of uni's to remove the suspect.

The two detectives looked at each other for a split second before they headed for their coats and keys. This day, which had started with a failed and frustrating interview, was clearly not going to take a turn for the better.

Olivia woke with a start, her first thought one of panic, her first instinct to run. Her eyes flew open and disorientation clouded her mind as she took in the pale light streaming through filmy taupe curtains and laying stripes of brightness across the ceiling. She had expected darkness and pain. Instead, she felt an engulfing ache lessened by warmth and a sweet scent. As she blinked, she became aware of a familiar presence and a slack arm resting across her hips.

Alex, she thought, it's just Alex. The thought flooded her with peace and she shut her eyes and focused on enjoying the sensation of being held by her lover, of breathing in her scent. Just a few days ago, she had prayed for this moment and had thought that it would never come again. She knew that this peace would end soon, that they would have to get up and Alex would wash her, bandage her and deal with the consequences of the past days. For the moment, however, Olivia laid still and let herself all but melt back to sleep.

Their sleep was disturbed all too soon by the shrill ringing of the phone on Alex's bedside table. The blonde started and, clawing the hair and sleep from her eyes, snatched the phone. "Um, hello?" she asked. She paused listening for a moment before responding, "Yes, you can come by. Uh, do you have the address?" Another pause. "Yes, ok, yes, one o'clock will be fine. Alright, goodbye."

Alex set the phone back into its cradle and turned to Olivia. "Morning, darling. How did you sleep?"

"Alright. Who was that?" asked Olivia, regretting that she would have to leave her comfortable spot so soon.

"That was a detective from the two-three. Mallory I think. He is coming by this afternoon to take your statement, if you're ready. If you want I can …" said Alex, trailing off as Olivia closed her eyes and frowned slightly.

Olivia cringed inwardly. She knew that this day would come sooner or later, that she couldn't delay it forever. She was a cop after all. Remembering that Alex was still waiting, she opened her eyes to meet Alex's concerned blue ones. "No, Alex. They can come. I'll be alright."

"Alright, sweetie," Alex murmured. "But if you change your mind, just say the word and I'll be on them like a pitbull on a fresh steak," she said, her voice growing stronger and a fiery light spreading into her eyes.

Olivia laughed weakly at the image and tilted her head back to receive Alex as her girlfriend leaned down for a tender kiss. Alex pulled back and sighed, tugging her fingers through her tousled hair and rubbing her eyes gingerly. "Well, that's it then. Let's get a move on," she said and Olivia could tell that she was equally reluctant to leave the comfort of their shared cocoon.

Alex rose and folded the blankets down so that she could help Olivia sit up. She then retrieved a fresh set of cotton pants and a t-shirt, a thick towel and threw a handful of the bathing cloths into the microwave. While they heated, Alex changed into a pair of equally comfortable jeans and a soft, old sweater.

She bathed Olivia lovingly, paying attention to make sure that the brunette was clean and warm throughout the process. Once finished, she dressed her girlfriend and smoothed her hair with a gentle touch. They were able to complete this task a little faster than they had in the hospital and Alex couldn't help a tiny surge of pride as she noted that Olivia grimaced less often as she was touched. She maneuvered Olivia into the wheelchair and pushed her to the kitchen for hot tea and buttered toast.

When the knock came, Alex started from the easy chair in which she was curled, newspaper in hand. She tossed the paper to the coffee table and brushed the stray wisps of hair back from her face.

She invited the two detectives in and asked them to have a seat at the table, pouring both cups of coffee and explaining that Olivia was taking a nap and she would wake her. The detectives nodded their understanding and accepted the mugs gratefully as they unpacked pads and pens so they could take notes.

Alex walked back to the living room where Olivia was sleeping lightly on the couch, occasionally moaning faintly. Alex smoothed Olivia's short, damp brown hair off of her forehead and pressed her lips just above Olivia's eyebrow as she stroked the brunette's hand to wake her gently. "Hi, darling," she murmured. "Those detectives are here to talk to you. Remember, if you don't want to, just say the word."

Olivia groaned deep in her throat as she blinked the dreams away. She had been back in that horrible place, cold, damp. She focused on Alex's warm presence and struggled to smile at the blonde. "No, it's ok, Alex. Help me up."

Alex nodded and aided Olivia into the wheelchair. She pushed her to the kitchen where the detectives waited, warm mugs and pens clutched in their hands. "Hello," Olivia said. "I'm Olivia Benson."

Mallory stood and introduced himself and his partner, struggling to avoid focusing on the immediately obvious injuries. He had read the transcripts of the tapes, had heard O'Hara's sickening accounts of the torture, but he was still not prepared to meet this woman. This woman was a cop, a fellow detective who was well-known for her skill in dealing with the victims of some of New York's most heinous crimes. Now, she sat huddled in a wheelchair, blankets tucked around her legs like an invalid, scars healing grotesquely across her exposed skin. Mallory shuddered at the shock.

Suarez, noting his partner's hesitation, started the interview. "Detective Benson, we're here to take your statement. We won't ask you any details of your time in Dennis O'Hara's captivity, except for help in identifying his partner. The tapes O'Hara made have a second male voice on them. Did you get a look at him?"

Olivia had squeezed her eyes shut as Suarez brought up O'Hara. She fought to keep her breathing steady as the memories flooded her mind's eye. She could nearly feel the freezing air wafting across her mutilated flesh, could smell mold and the tang of her own blood. Suddenly, a touch snapped her back to the present. Alex had reached for her hand, wrapping one of Olivia's in both of her own, letting her know that she was there. Olivia finally spoke, murmuring, "I remember him. He cut me with a scalpel and pierced my … my nose, my nipples…" Her voice broke as she choked on a sob.

Alex moved closer, continuing to clasp Olivia's fingers in her palm, reaching her free hand to caress Olivia's shoulder. "If you need to stop, Liv," she said but Olivia squeezed her hand and shook her head.

"No, I can keep going," she said in a voice husky from fighting off tears. "He is the one who mutilated my genitals," she spat. "They took off my blindfold and I saw him. He had blond hair, maybe hanging over the tops of his ears. He was small, smaller than the other man, O'Hara. And thin, very thin. But they never said his name." She stopped again, her head bowed, and a tear splashed onto Alex's hand.

Alex forced herself to keep calm, to be strong, but hearing such heartbreaking words from her partner's mouth was nearly more than she could handle. A quick glance at the listening detectives told her that they were handling this little better. All three were professionals exposed to atrocities committed by sick men and women every day. But all of their experiences, the numbness they had developed and assumed was impenetrable, none of it was helping.

After a few moments of silence unbroken but by Olivia's furiously muffled cries, Mallory continued. "You're doing great, Detective Benson. We're already looking for him and, with your description, we have a good chance of arresting him for what he did to you. Now, just a few more questions. Do you remember anything about the night you were kidnapped?"

Olivia kept her eyes downcast, but Alex could hear her breaths deepen as her girlfriend tried to compose herself in front of her colleagues. After a moment, Olivia resumed her testimony. "I was woken up by my door buzzer. I think it was maybe three o'clock." Alex nodded to corroborate Olivia's recollections. "I answered it but there was no response, so I figured it was a mistake and went to go back to bed. But, just a few seconds later, the buzzer went off again and wouldn't stop."

Olivia paused, still taking deep, steadying breaths, and Alex rubbed her thumb across Olivia's knuckles to comfort her. "A couple of kids had done the same thing a few months back and I figured they were at it again. So I grabbed my gun and my badge to scare them off. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I couldn't see anyone but there was a toothpick wedged there. I opened the door to knock it out but once I did, I was grabbed. I hit one of them with my gun, but they threw me back towards the street and hit me across the face. The next thing I remember was waking up in the van. I heard two men's voices but I didn't see anything before they hit me again."

Olivia finished and kept her head bowed and silence filled the room deafeningly as the two detectives scribbled down a few notes. Mallory was the first to look back up. "Just one more question, Detective. Did you see the faces of the men who kidnapped you? We need to know if it was O'Hara and his partner or if we're looking for two other men."

Olivia let out a strangled sob at this question, seeming to crumple further into her wheelchair, her hands clutching Alex's. "No," she managed. "I didn't see them. They wore ski masks. I didn't see them." This was all she said before another sob tore its way from her throat. Though she tried, she simply couldn't stop the tears; the wracking cries seemed to have a mind of their own.

Sensing that the interview was over, the detectives stood and thanked Olivia for her help. Alex stood to see them to the door, but Mallory shook his head and indicated that they could let themselves out just fine. He didn't want to cause the detective any more pain than they already had.

Once the two men had exited the kitchen, Alex fell to her knees next to Olivia's chair. She buried one hand in Olivia's dark hair, rubbing soothing circles in the soft locks. With her other hand, she maintained her firm grip on Olivia's fingers. She bent her head for a moment, letting her forehead rest on Olivia's cast-enclosed knee, before looking up at her lover. "Liv, darling, it's alright. You did so well. I love you so much."

She continued her ministrations as tears stung her own eyes and she let them fall to wet the pants stretched over her bent knees. This was the first time she had allowed herself to grieve with Olivia, to share her pain over the shattering of their lives. Olivia squeezed her hand with all of the strength she could muster and let her head fall further down until she was near enough to hear Alex's nearly silent crying. The two women remained like this, clinging to each other as drowning men to a raft's fragment, comforting each other with their mutual grief.


	13. Chapter 13

Olivia stared up into the face of her captor. He leered down at her, eyes slitted, tongue snaking out to lick chapped lips. Cold hands caressed her breasts and she jerked away only to find that, though no bindings held her, she could not move. The icy hands squeezed her flesh until her mind reeled with the pain and she was certain her breasts would be crushed. He paused to lick his lips again but this time his tongue was forked and flittered like a serpent's. He bent down and kissed a slimy path between her breasts and towards her navel. The spittle cooled quickly in the frigid air, a disgusting reminder emphasizing his violation of her body. His tongue and lips reached the crest of her thighs and he glanced up to meet her terrified gaze. He grinned widely, revealing long fangs, razor sharp and glistening with dripping venom. He held her gaze for a few seconds before, to her horror, darting in between her thighs. Agony tore through her as he mangled her with his fangs. She screamed from deep in her lungs but heard no sound except for the wet smacks as he shredded her delicate flesh.

Suddenly, a second pair of hands were on her, but these were warm. She could feel them stroking her hair and, distantly, she heard a voice calling her name. A familiar voice, it crept into her consciousness like the sun's rays on her skin just before the heat of summer.

Olivia's eyes snapped open and the agony in her core melted quickly to be replaced with a more familiar ache. The gentle stokes smoothing her hair continued and she finally remembered her surroundings. The comforters weighed pleasantly on her body, the pillows firm beneath her head. A warm glow lit one side of the room and Alex's voice continued speaking urgently but calmly. "Come on, Liv, wake up. It's just a dream; you're safe. Come on, baby," she murmured.

Olivia blinked a few times, reassuring herself that this was not just another dream from which she would wake. "Alex," she croaked.

"Shhh, sweetie," Alex responded, relief lessening the tension in her expression. "Let me get you some water. Just a minute." Alex supported Olivia as she sipped carefully from the cup held to her lips. She tried to take deep breaths, tried to push the grotesque image of those fangs from her mind.

Alex settled Olivia back onto the pillows but didn't break contact with her girlfriend. She hoped that her continued touch would anchor Olivia and keep the nightmares at bay. Leaving the lamp on dimly, she scooted close to Olivia, laying so that her body touched the length of Olivia's. "Go back to sleep, Olivia," she whispered, her lips brushing like silk against Olivia's ear. "I'm holding you and you're safe. Try to go back to sleep."

Olivia shut her eyes and focused on Alex's tender touch. Slowly, she could feel the stiffness leave her body, the terror and ice releasing their grip on her heart.

The next few weeks passed in much the same manner. Alex cared for her girlfriend in every way, washing and dressing her, holding spoons and glasses lovingly to her lips and embracing her when nightmares drenched her in freezing sweat. Olivia's wounds slowly healed, the whip lashes scabbing over and then revealing shiny, pink scars. Alex took her back to the hospital to have the stitches removed from her mutilated but healing genitals. The process was unpleasant but Olivia was at least glad to be finally free of the irritating bandages and the look of suffering that clouded her lover's face whenever the blonde had to tend to those particular wounds.

Alex's heart lightened as Olivia seemed to gain strength. She slept less often and visits from Elliot and the rest of her colleagues could last progressively longer before Olivia begged off, exhausted. However, she noticed that Olivia's nightmares plagued her more often, waking her two or three times every night. Alex kept a folded hand towel and a set of fresh sweats next to her bed to make Olivia comfortable after she woke, cold perspiration beading on her forehead, her breaths coming in shallow gasps. Equally worrying was the fact that Olivia had begun to pick at her food, claiming fullness or an upset stomach to convince Alex to stop coaxing. Lately, it had become all Alex could do to convince her girlfriend to finish an entire piece of toast or bowl of soup. She could see that her girlfriend was losing weight as her ribs became more pronounced and her hip bones jutted sharply where once Alex had reveled in Olivia's womanliness.

One cloudy morning following a particularly disrupted night, Alex decided that she had done all that she could on her own and needed help. That morning, she sipped her coffee and let the steam waft the exhaustion from her mind. Unable to convince Olivia to consume anything more than a cup of tea with milk and honey, despite her pleading, Alex had settled Olivia onto the sofa to try and make up for the sleep nightmares stole from her. Alex warmed her hands on her mug and then pressed them across her forehead and over her closed eyes, enjoying the relaxing warmth.

Peeking to see that Olivia was asleep, Alex picked up her cell phone and dialed George Huang. After a few rings, he picked up. "George Huang."

"Hi, George, it's Alex."

"Alex, it's nice to hear from you. How are you and Olivia doing?" he asked, the warmth evident in his voice, even over the tinny connection.

"Well, George, that's what I'm calling about. Physically, she's healing. But emotionally, she's getting worse and I just don't know what to do." Alex paused to compose herself as her worry began to spill over into tears. "She's not eating. And the nightmares keep coming, more and more often. I can tell that she's exhausted, but nothing I do seems to help." She stopped as her voice finally cracked and a tear fell on to her cheek.

"Alex, you're doing fine. Olivia is lucky to have you. But you can't do it all, you're not a professional therapist. Has Olivia seen anyone?" he asked, his characteristically calm voice reassuring the shaky blonde.

"No, George. I brought it up but she just shuts down. I don't want to force her, but I don't know what else to do."

"Alex, would you like me to come by and talk to Olivia? I can see if I can convince her to see a friend of mine who specializes in counseling assault victims in the police and armed forces."

"That would be great, George. Please, can you come by today? I'm really worried," Alex asked, her hopes rising. George might be able to accomplish what she could not.

"Sure, Alex, I'll come by after work. And, Alex, have you considered seeing someone yourself? This is not just Olivia's trauma, you know." Huang paused and heard only silence for a moment.

"Uh, George, I have to go. I'll see you tonight. And thanks." Alex barely heard Huang's goodbye before she snapped the phone shut and brusquely wiped the welling tears from her eyes. No, she had to be strong for Olivia; she had suffered so much.

While Alex washed the dishes from their dinner of blushing bunnies – grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup – she tapped her foot impatiently, anticipating Huang's arrival. In between spoonfuls of soup, she had gently let Olivia know that she had invited George to visit. Upon hearing this, Olivia's eyes narrowed dangerously and she refused to accept another bite. Awkwardly, she grasped the wheels of her chair and rolled back from the table, limping toward the living room with her broken arms.

"Liv, wait," Alex cried, dropping the spoon back into the bowl and jumping up from her seat. "Liv, I'm sorry, but I'm so worried. You won't talk to me, you won't eat. Darling, I need help."

Olivia continued to wrestle with the wheels, refusing to even turn and look at her girlfriend. Alex caught up to her and grabbed the wheelchair's handles, halting the brunette's meager progress and turning the chair so the two women were face to face. Alex dropped to her knees in front of her girlfriend. "Liv, just talk to him, please. I understand if you don't want to talk to me, but talk to him. Please," she implored.

Unable to escape the situation, Olivia relented. "Alex, how could you call him without asking me? Why would you do that? Don't you trust me?"

Alex flinched at the accusation in her lover's voice and remained silent for a moment. Olivia continued. "I'm fine, Alex. I don't need to talk. I deal with this kind of shit everyday; it's my job."

Alex grasped Olivia's hands in her own and drew them to rest in Olivia's lap. She met Olivia's furious expression and tried to blink back the tears that had been threatening to come for days. As the first drops fell to her cheeks, she responded in a quivering voice. "Olivia, I know how strong you are and I love you for it. Maybe I'm not as strong as you and I need help to deal with this. But I know you're not eating. You hardly ate any of your dinner. And you're getting so thin. I want you to eat, I want you to sleep through the night. It's not getting any better, Liv. Maybe George can help us. Please, just talk to him for a few minutes. For me."

Seeing the pain and fear in Alex's eyes shocked Olivia. Alex had been so stoic through the past weeks, rarely expressing her sadness, holding Olivia silently while the brunette sobbed after a nightmare. Olivia had almost believed that Alex was fine. But now, finally confronted with Alex's tears spotting Olivia's lap where Alex rested her cheek, Olivia was forced to acknowledge the deep toll her behavior was taking on her girlfriend.

Olivia drew a shuddering breath and returned Alex's grasp as firmly as she could. "Alright, Alex, I'll talk to him. I won't make any more promises, but tonight, I'll talk to Huang. But in the future, you have to ask me before you do something like this. Please, Alex."

Alex smiled up at her lover before she stood to kiss her on the cheek. "Thank you, sweetie," she said, brushing the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. "I guess he'll be here soon, so let's get you comfortable. And I'll make some tea for us."

Alex helped Olivia settle on the sofa in a wearily practiced but tender manner, tucking the blankets around her before heading to the kitchen to boil water for tea. While the water heated, she splashed cool water from the faucet onto her face, willing the redness to fade before Huang arrived. She hated that her colleague would see her in such a mess, but, in the back of her mind, knew that he had certainly seen worse. She laughed a little at her vanity and poured the water over the tea bags, adding sugar and milk to Olivia's.

A soft knock on the apartment door interrupted the silence while the two women sipped their tea, Olivia with assistance, and lost themselves in individual thoughts. Alex set her mug on the coffee table and answered, welcoming George warmly into their apartment. She had always been fond of the small man and she respected him for his dedication to the job as she did Olivia.

George pulled her aside in the hall before Alex could lead him to the living room. "Alex," he said quietly. "I'd like to speak to her alone for a while. Would that be alright?"

Alex blinked at him in surprise for a moment before regaining her composure. "Um, sure, George," she responded. "I guess, I guess I'll just run out and get some coffee and a paper. Will you give me a call when you're finished?"

"Sure, Alex," he replied, a reassuring smile brightening his serious face. Alex escorted him into the living room and offered him tea as he took a seat in a soft chair across the coffee table from Olivia.

Alex bent down to her girlfriend and kissed her cheek. "Sweetie, I'm going to run out for a few minutes for some coffee. Will you be okay here with George?"

Olivia looked up at the blonde with confusion clouding her eyes. "Uh, I guess so, Alex. Will you bring me some decaf?" she asked, the muscles of her jaw clenching in determination though her eyes gave away her nervousness.

Alex smiled with a calmness that she didn't quite feel and nodded. "I'll have my cell phone. Just call if you need anything." Alex stood and, with a glance at Huang to steady herself, grabbed her coat and keys and left the apartment.

Once the door clicked shut, Olivia turned to look Huang in the eye. "Alex told me that she called you, so you don't have to pretend that you were 'just in the neighborhood,'" she said, irritation making her voice flat.

"I guessed that she would," George replied. "She called me this morning because she's worried about you. She said that she doesn't think that you're eating enough."

"George, I told her and I'll tell you. I'm just not hungry."

"Olivia, do you feel nauseated? That can be a physiological response to anxiety and stress."

Alex stood outside the apartment door for a few moments. She played with the idea of remaining there until George called or she heard Olivia call for her, just in case. However, she tried to think of all of the times Olivia had spoken to victims and their family members, how her girlfriend had gently encouraged them to try to regain a sense of normalcy, to try and do the things they did before the trauma. Alex knew that Olivia was a grown woman, after all, and they had been cloistered in the apartment nearly every minute of the day for more than two weeks now. Clenching her fists in determination, Alex forced herself to take the first steps down the hall and toward the fresh, chilly air outside. Really, she rationalized, a cup of coffee and a breath of air would probably do her some good.

Alex had finished the World News section and was on her second cup of French roast when her cell buzzed in her pocket. "Cabot," she answered, already folding her paper and standing to leave. "Alright, George, I'm on my way now." She clicked the phone shut and smiled a little. George had sounded calm, even upbeat. She felt, for the first time since she had begged her girlfriend to speak to the doctor, that maybe she had done the right thing. She slipped her arms into her coat and headed for the counter to pick up the coffee Olivia had requested.

Balancing her coffee in one hand, Alex shoved her key into the lock, ensuring that she made enough noise so that she wouldn't startle her girlfriend. She stepped into the hall and set the coffee onto the small table there and was hanging up her coat when George appeared, a warm smile on his face.

He met her expectant expression and said, "She did great, Alex. I'm glad you called me. I gave her a card for the therapist I recommended and she said she'd think about calling. How are you doing, Alex?"

Alex shut her eyes in relief as George spoke; she was glad that Olivia had reacted so well. But her eyes flew open when George inquired about her personally. "Um, I'm alright, I guess. Sometimes it's just so hard. When she won't eat or when the nightmares wake her up, I just feel so helpless, so powerless." George laid a hand on her arm and smiled again with understanding.

"It's alright, Alex, just keep doing the best you can. And if you need to talk, you can always call me or my friend. The card's on the fridge. Just don't wait until it gets too bad to call. Also, I had an idea." He pulled a small bottle out of his coat pocket and handed it to Alex.

"It's lavender massage oil. Before I joined the FBI, I used to give to my patients who struggled with anxiety or disturbed sleep. Before you go to bed, put a few drops on your hands and rub Olivia's back. It may help her relax and sleep more peacefully."

Alex felt new tears sting her eyes delicately and she suddenly wrapped her arms tightly around the shorter man. "Thank you, George," she whispered in his ear before she stepped back. George nodded and shrugged into his coat.

"You're always welcome, Alex. Take care of yourself," he replied before turning and striding down the hall.

Alex shut the door softly behind him and set the deadbolt. She slipped the vial into her pocket and walked to the living room. Olivia still rested on the sofa though she now held a box of tissues and there were a few crumpled tissues on the coffee table. Alex met Olivia's red swollen eyes and sat on the sofa to wrap her girlfriend in a tender embrace. "Are you okay, honey?" she murmured.

"Yeah, Alex. But I'm so tired," Olivia whispered in response. Alex smiled into her lover's hair before standing and beginning the process of helping Olivia to bed.

Alex guided Olivia onto the bed and helped her lie on her side, her uninjured cheek resting on the pillow. Alex perched carefully on the edge of the mattress so that Olivia's hands rested in her lap. "Liv," she began. "George gave me something to help you relax. Would it be alright if I rubbed your back for a little while?"

Olivia simply groaned in response. Alex reached behind the brunette and eased her t-shirt up to her shoulders. She uncapped the vial George had left her and drizzled a few drops into her right hand. She intertwined her left hand with Olivia's and reached her right hand to rest gently in between Olivia's shoulder blades. After a moment, she began to slowly work her fingers up toward Olivia's neck and then across her left shoulder.

Olivia moaned softly and shut her eyes as Alex continued her massage and tenderly caressed Olivia's hands. "Feels nice," Olivia murmured, so softly Alex could hardly hear her. Alex smiled, her eyes crinkling with emotion, and she worked her hand gradually over Olivia's left side, smoothing the fragrant oil over the new scars marring Olivia's beautifully soft skin. Bit by bit, Alex could feel her lover relaxing under her touch and, finally, Alex sensed Olivia's breathing even and deepen. Alex bent down to touch her lips, feather light, to Olivia's cheek before she stood and tugged the t-shirt back into place. She folded the comforter to cover her girlfriend and tucked the edges around her shoulders. Moving slowly so as not to disturb Olivia's sleep, Alex stepped into the bathroom to brush her teeth and ease herself into bed for some sleep she prayed would be uninterrupted.


	14. Chapter 14

Alex parked the car and deftly switched the engine off and dropped the keys into her purse. She turned to her girlfriend seated in the passenger seat and grinned widely. "Ready, darling?" she asked. Olivia returned the grin, albeit a little palely, and shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She twisted the seatbelt in her fingers and nodded determinedly but broke their eye contact with a jerk of her head. Alex reached and grasped Olivia's fingers in her own to still their restless fidgeting. She squeezed reassuringly and then unbuckled her own seatbelt and climbed gracefully from the car.

She unfolded the wheelchair from the trunk with an ease that clearly revealed her experience. She pushed it to the passenger side of the car and opened the door as wide as possible. With practiced movements, she helped the brunette get settled in the chair. She set a tote containing a pair of tennis shoes carefully into Olivia's lap before turning and heading for the door of the clinic.

The past few weeks had passed with Olivia making slow progress. It was two steps forward and one step back on the best days and, on the worst, nothing Alex did seemed to ease her girlfriend's suffering. She remained firm, however, tirelessly rubbing Olivia's back with the massage oil given to her by Huang, holding the brunette tightly when she woke screaming in fear or pain. Sometimes, after Olivia had fallen asleep, Alex fell to her knees on the bathroom tile and hugged herself desperately, muffling her sobs as best she could in a thick towel. When it got too bad, she turned on the fan to mask her voice and dialed Huang's number. His voice was soothing, even over the phone, and sharing her fears and stresses with him eased her burden enough for her to return to Olivia's side. She knew that at some point she would need to see an outside therapist rather than simply pouring out her pain between sobs to their close friend and colleague. However, she preferred to stick it out a little longer and be Olivia's solid support until she was well enough to stand on her own for a little while.

Alex smiled at the image, despite the twinge of sadness that nagged at her. They were finally here to help Olivia take her first steps since her attack and Alex was focused on her high hopes for this day. The doctors at Olivia's previous check-up had smilingly informed her that her casts would come off in just one week's time and that day had come at last. The two women sat, somewhat impatiently, in the now all too familiar waiting room. Olivia's hands had resumed their anxious fiddling, now picking at a loose thread in the hem of her blouse. Alex made no efforts to still her, acknowledging that she herself felt nervous and Olivia certainly had the right to express her own emotions. After all, they had both been waiting for this moment for weeks.

The nurse stepped into the nearly empty waiting room and called Olivia's name. Both women started at the sudden interruption of their respective thoughts. Alex stood quickly and pushed Olivia's chair through the door, following the nurse into a small examination room. The friendly, blonde nurse grinned at them and said, "The doctor will be with you in just a moment, Ms. Benson."

The door shut quietly behind her and Alex grasped Olivia's hand, gripping firmly in an effort to imbue her girlfriend with the excitement and confidence she was feeling. Releasing Olivia's hand, Alex picked up the gown that the nurse had left on the exam table and knelt near the wheelchair. She gently helped the brunette slip off the cotton drawstring pants she wore and tossed them across the arm of a nearby chair. She stood and bent to unbutton her girlfriend's shirt and ease Olivia's bent arms through the sleeves. With skillful movements, she re-dressed Olivia in the hospital gown, tying it securely at the base of her neck. They had done this many times before, but Alex knew that Olivia was still skittish about feeling exposed. Olivia was already nervous about having her casts removed and Alex wanted to make her feel as safe as possible. She straightened up and, picking up her long jacket, draped it over Olivia's legs to cover her more completely and keep her from getting cold in the slightly chilly office.

They waited in silence until a soft rap came at the door and Dr. Messer stepped in. "All ready, ladies?" he quipped, knowing that, in all probability, both had been more than ready for a long time. "Ms. Benson," he continued. "I'm going to use this tool to cut through the casts on each side and then I can lift it off in two halves. It's a little like a saw; the blade is round, but it vibrates back and forth very quickly. I need you to hold still while I do this, but, don't worry, you're not my first. I promise you won't feel a thing." He smiled confidently at his patient, pausing to give her an opportunity to ask any question she might want answered, before dropping to one knee to begin with Olivia's right leg. Olivia responded with a small, silent nod and set her jaw, preparing herself to finally be released from the uncomfortable, itchy casts.

Olivia flinched when the doctor moved the jacket aside and laid a hand on her knee to steady it. Though she had seen him several times before, her experience did not change the fact that a stranger's touch still caused her throat to contract in fear. However, she forced herself to remain perfectly still in order to get through this as quickly as possible. Alex was here, she reminded herself. Nothing could happen while they were together.

Alex saw her lover's sudden tense posture and was moving to hold her hand and comfort her when the buzzing of the saw interrupted her. Olivia started violently at the clattering sound and gasped audibly. Her eyes were wide in sudden terror and she snapped her head to the side, leaning as far away from the doctor as was possible in her chair. Alex dropped to her knees, quickly folding one of Olivia's hands in her own and using the other to grasp the doctor's arm, silently instructing him to switch the saw off.

"Hey, darling, you're alright. I'm here," she murmured, leaning in to encourage at least a semblance of intimacy. Olivia's jaw shook faintly as she closed her eyes tightly and returned Alex's grasp on her hand. After a few deep breaths, Olivia opened her eyes to meet Alex's gaze and nodded tentatively. Alex understood and turned to the doctor, reaching out to invite him closer. He knelt slowly and calmly resumed his position, hand on Olivia's knee and saw poised at Olivia's foot. Alex nodded and he once again switched the saw on. Olivia started but otherwise remained still though she tightened her grip on Alex's hand.

A few tense moments later and Dr. Messer turned the saw off and set it aside. He gripped the cast, his fingers finding the newly created slits in the rough material. With a smooth motion, he split the cast in two and gently freed Olivia's leg. He set the halves on the floor nearby and settled her leg back on to the wheelchair's footrest. Alex rubbed her thumbs along the back of Olivia's hands to congratulate Olivia on her accomplishment while Dr. Messer re-positioned himself on her other side to repeat the process.

Soon, both of Olivia's legs were free of their casts and Alex tenderly rested one slender hand on her girlfriend's shin. She smiled up from her kneeling position and Olivia smiled back weakly, quickly becoming exhausted. "Ready to keep going or do you want a break, sweetie?" she asked. Olivia simply shook her head, a firm expression on her face. Dr. Messer nodded in response and picked up the saw, setting it against Olivia's left arm. He had been in this business for nearly twenty years and had seen many families supporting children with broken arms or husbands recovering from car accidents. Nevertheless, he remained impressed by Alex's ability to comfort and by Olivia's undeniable strength.

Olivia kept her eyes closed and her grip on Alex's hand tight until the entire procedure was finished, her limbs unencumbered by casts at last. Dr. Messer put the saw away and gathered up the remains of the casts. Straightening, he smiled reassuringly at the women. "You did great, Ms. Benson. I'm going to get rid of these and give you a moment to get dressed. When I get back, I'll do a final check to make sure everything's okay and then we'll see you take a few steps."

Once Dr. Messer had left, Alex stood and bent down to gather Olivia in as warm a hug as she could, given the awkwardness of their positions. She then helped Olivia dress, discarding the hated gown and slipping on the comfortable clothing she had worn in to the office, a process made instantly simpler by the absence of the stiff casts. Alex tugged a pair of white socks onto Olivia's bare feet with slightly shaking hands. The tennis shoes would have to wait until after the doctor's exam, but she could at least accomplish this small task. It was one that Alex had been looking forward to for several days.

Dr. Messer knocked softly before opening the door and stepping into the room. "Okay, Ms. Benson, I'm just going to examine you for a few moments. I need to feel your legs and arms to check that the bones have knitted properly. Is that all right?" he asked gently. Upon receiving Olivia's permission, he sat on his rolling stool and carefully took each thin limb into his hands, pressing deftly and keeping his expression professionally neutral. When he finally replaced Olivia's arm in her lap, he looked up and nodded assuredly at the silent brunette. "Looks like everything's fine, Ms. Benson. Would you like to try to take a few steps now?"

Olivia nodded rapidly, a small smile finally lighting her face. Dr. Messer waved for Alex to come and stand in front of Olivia's wheelchair. At the doctor's encouragement, Alex wrapped her arm under Olivia's armpit, resting her hand on the back of the brunette's shoulder as she had been taught in order to help her girlfriend out of the chair. She slowly lifted and Olivia's arms instinctively tightened around Alex's waist, searching for support. Finally, Olivia stood on her weakened legs and Alex shifted her arms to enfold her lover in a tight embrace, the first such since Olivia's kidnapping.

They stood like that for a moment and Alex's tears began to well from her eyes, wetting her face and the strands of Olivia's short hair where Alex rested her cheek. She successfully fought back the sobs that were threatening to come though tears still dripped on to her cheeks. Gradually, she loosened her grip around Olivia's waist and took a small step backwards. She let her hands slide around Olivia's rib cage and then down Olivia's painfully thin arms until she held both of the brunette's hands in her own.

Alex smiled through her tears and saw that Olivia was fighting tears of her own. She took another step back and, breaking eye contact only to blink back tears, whispered, "Come on, baby." Hesitantly, Olivia bent her right knee and shuffled a small step towards the blonde. Regaining her shaky balance, she took a second step and then a third and soon the pair had walked several feet together.

Soon, however, Alex could see beads of perspiration forming just below the brunette's hairline and could feel the increasingly intense trembling in her girlfriend's hands. Alex glanced at Dr. Messer and he pushed the wheelchair quickly towards them. With Alex's steadying presence, Olivia sank gratefully back into the chair. Her quick exhaustion was disappointing to her but that hardly tarnished the intense relief and hope washing over her both emotionally and physically. She closed her eyes and brushed the remaining tears from her cheeks with a hand thankfully mobile after so long.

Alex bent down to slip the tennis shoes onto Olivia's feet, carefully pretending not to notice her girlfriend's frail legs. They would be healthy soon enough. For now, Alex could hardly restrain herself from falling to her knees and burying her head on Olivia's lap to weep in joy. She figured that she could wait to do so until later, preferring to take her girlfriend home for a congratulatory lunch and a much needed rest. With some luck and hard work, Alex planned to have them slow dancing in the living room to Olivia's favorite mix of corny love songs as soon as possible.

Alex and Olivia ate their lunch of turkey sandwiches and pasta salad in comfortable silence, lost in their own thoughts. With each bite, Olivia relished lifting her fork and sipping her tea on her own. For so long, she had been unable to perform even the smallest task for herself. Alex had patiently cared for her, tenderly spooning her soup, dressing her and even helping her to use the bathroom. Olivia was a cop. She spent her days running down perps and staring down stony-faced humps in the interview room. In a matter of a few days, she had been reduced to a baby, requiring complete care. Now, however, she rejoiced these small steps towards reclaiming her former life and she smiled to herself each time she lifted her glass to her lips.

Olivia finally pushed her plate away though she had only finished half of her sandwich. Alex glanced worriedly at her girlfriend and the remains of her sandwich, but decided that this would be a topic best left to another day. As far as she was concerned, nothing could go wrong today. Olivia had made a big step forward today and Alex just wanted to relax with her lover as they used to.

Alex cleared away their plates and returned to sit at the table with Olivia. "Well, darling, we have the rest of the day. What do you want to do?"

Olivia met her girlfriend's eyes with a sly smile. "Alex, I want to take a bath. A long one."

Alex laughed, the mirth lightening her spirits like so little had done in the past weeks. "Your wish is my command, sweetie," she chuckled, standing to help Olivia rise and escort her to their bathroom.

As Olivia carefully pulled off her shirt and soft pants, Alex perched on the edge of the tub, waving her fingers under the faucet in order to test the water's temperature. Once it was just right, she stopped the drain and turned to face her girlfriend. Olivia was naked but for the towel wrapped around her body. With surprise, Alex noticed that she wore an anxious expression. "What's wrong, Liv?"

"Uh, I don't … Can we turn the lights off, Alex?" she murmured, staring at the tile floor. Alex hesitated for a moment and then forced a smile despite her sinking heart. The tightly wrapped towel and Olivia's desperate grip on the cloth's edge were glaring signs in Alex's eyes. Alex had dated the brunette for a year and she had never known Olivia to be uncomfortable in her own skin. In fact, Olivia had loved to tease Alex about the blonde's shyness. But now she sat on their toilet, wrapped as completely as possible in a towel, asking Alex to shut off the lights because she was unable to look at her own body.

"Sure, honey," Alex responded. "Just a minute." Alex left the bathroom and walked to the kitchen, retrieving a scented candle and a book of matches. Returning to the warm, humid bathroom, Alex lit the candle and set it on the edge of the sink. She flipped the light switch and turned to Olivia. "How's this, Liv?"

Olivia nodded slowly and then looked at Alex in the dim, gently flickering light. "It's okay, Alex. But would you, maybe…" Olivia gestured vaguely towards the now full bathtub.

"Oh," Alex said. "Let me help you in." She reached for Olivia's hands but was rebuffed.

"No, Alex," said Olivia. "I mean, uh…" She trailed off again but reached to rest her right hand against Alex's collarbone, tugging shyly at the top button of Alex's shirt. Realization dawned on Alex and she enfolded Olivia's hand in her own.

"Are you sure, Olivia?" she asked. Olivia simply nodded timidly. "Alright, honey, just let me get undressed." Alex made quick work of her blouse and jeans, discarding them in a heap on the tile. She stepped into the tub, shivering in pleasure as her feet sunk into the warm water. She turned and held out her hands to Olivia. She replaced the brunette's grip on the towel with her own hands and eased it from Olivia's body, dropping it near the tub. Alex couldn't help noticing that Olivia kept her eyes upturned, avoiding any possible sight of her own skin, even in the shadowy room.

Alex helped Olivia step gingerly into the tub and then guided her to sit in the steamy water. Alex lowered herself to sit behind her girlfriend. She wrapped her arms around Olivia's waist and encouraged her to lie back and rest her brown head against the blonde's shoulder. Olivia sighed as she sunk into the water up to her collarbone and her eyes closed softly, her lashes casting long shadows across her cheeks.

Alex ran her fingertips across Olivia's stomach and down over her hips until she grasped Olivia's limp hands. Tenderly, she began to rub Olivia's palms, caressing the brunette's knuckles with her thumbs. Gradually, Alex continued her massage over Olivia's wrists, her forearms and up to her shoulders. Alex focused on the motion and Olivia's slow, even breathing rather than the scars raising and puckering the formerly smooth skin.

Once Olivia seemed completely relaxed, Alex picked up a washcloth and a bottle of vanilla-scented body wash. She drizzled a generous amount of the soap onto the cloth and lathered it between her hands. Lovingly, she lifted Olivia's right arm and ran the soapy cloth up and down its length. She repeated the process on Olivia's other arm before turning her attention to washing the brunette's stomach, dabbing the washcloth over her hips and ribs. Alex rested her cheek against Olivia's temple and whispered into her ear. "I love you, darling."

Olivia moaned in comfort and pleasure and responded, her soft whisper echoing faintly in the bathroom. "I love you, too, Alex," she responded. Alex smiled, her lips caressing Olivia's cheek, and she re-wet the washcloth before beginning to wash the brunette's breast. Olivia jerked, her hand flying to grasp Alex's and push it away. "Alex," she gasped in a shuddering voice.

"Shhhh," Alex said in a soothing voice. "It's alright, it's just me."

Olivia made a small noise deep in her throat but didn't release Alex's hand. "I can't," she finally mumbled, voice high and shaking.

Alex kissed Olivia's temple, letting her lips rest against the delicate skin for a long moment before continuing to speak. "Olivia," she said in a low voice. "You can. I love you and I'm holding you in my arms and I won't let anything happen to you."

Olivia interrupted her girlfriend. "I don't want you to see me." Alex could detect the quiver in her voice signaling that Olivia's tears were threatening. She wrapped her arms securely around Olivia's waist, holding the brunette tightly against her own body.

"I've already seen, darling, and I'm still here. I won't leave just because of a few scars. They don't change anything. I love you, not your skin. I love your toughness, your sense of humor, your passion. Will you try for me?"

Olivia hesitated, a small sob shaking her body, and nodded, her hair brushing Alex's cheek. Alex moved slowly, easing the warm cloth over Olivia's tender flesh, lightly rubbing the cloth to clean her skin. Olivia remained still except for turning her head on Alex's shoulder until her eyelashes brushed the sensitive skin of Alex's throat. Alex's own heartbeat slowed as she continued her ministrations and sensed her lover's breathing become regular and easy.

Alex held Olivia in her arms for a long time, watching Olivia's chest rise and fall, her skin illuminated warmly in the candlelight. When goosebumps began to rise on her skin, Alex hummed softly and moved a hand to stroke Olivia's cheek with the backs of her fingers. Olivia sighed and finally moved from her position in Alex's embrace. Alex stood carefully and stepped onto the bathmat. She grabbed the towel from the tile floor and draped it over her arm. She helped Olivia stand and step out of the tub, wrapping the brunette snugly in the towel before Olivia caught a glimpse of her body. She would look when she was ready, Alex thought to herself.

They dried off, becoming quickly chilled even in the relative warmth of the humid bathroom. Alex offered a steadying hand as Olivia dressed and then quickly pulled on her own jeans. Alex followed Olivia as the brunette padded silently to the living room and sank down onto the sofa. "What now?" Olivia asked, looking up at Alex from below thick lashes.

"How about a movie and a nap?" Alex suggested, heading to the cabinet to survey their choices. Alex turned, case in hand, and grinned at the brunette. "How about Tootsie?" she asked, already knowing Olivia's answer.

The brunette smiled widely, though her eyelids were already drooping sleepily, and nodded enthusiastically. Alex returned her grin; Olivia's love of that movie never ceased to surprise her. She popped the movie into the DVD player and settled onto the sofa next to her girlfriend as the familiar music began to play. She grabbed a blanket from the back of the couch and unfolded it, spreading it over their legs. Olivia leaned into her and Alex wrapped an arm around her lover's shoulders, planting a kiss at Olivia's hairline. Both women relaxed as they giggled at familiar lines until Olivia's eyes finally closed and didn't re-open. Alex inhaled the sweet scent of her girlfriend's freshly washed hair and let her own eyes close and her head rest against the cushions.


	15. Chapter 15

It was still early the next morning when the telephone's shrill ring shattered the silence and woke both sleeping women with a start. Clawing the hair and sleep out of her eyes, Alex jumped out of the warm bed and grabbed the receiver from Olivia's bedside table. "Hello?" she answered breathlessly, still running her fingers through her tangled hair.

"Ms. Cabot?" asked an unfamiliar voice.

"This is she. Who am I talking to?" responded Alex, surprised that someone she didn't know would call so early in the morning.

"Sorry for calling so early," the woman answered. "This is ADA McNeill. I'm prosecuting Ms. Benson's case against Dennis O'Hara. I just wanted to let Ms. Benson know that the trial has been moved up from the original date as Judge Sorenson's calendar was suddenly cleared. It's going to begin tomorrow morning at 9:00 am and I wanted to see if I could come by this afternoon to go over the case and prepare Ms. Benson for her testimony."

"Um, that would be fine, I guess," Alex answered. "Can you come by at one o'clock? Do you need directions?"

"That'll be fine, Ms. Cabot. I'll see you then and I'll call if I can't find the place. Good bye."

Alex said her goodbye and hung up, replacing the receiver slowly to give herself an extra moment to digest the information before relaying it to the brunette who was watching her with curious eyes. "Who was that?"

"It was the ADA who's trying your case. The trial has been moved up and she's coming over this afternoon to talk to you," Alex replied, watching Olivia carefully to gauge her reaction. Olivia shut her eyes when Alex broke the news. Her jaw clenched visibly and, though her breathing remained even, she was obviously struggling to keep it so. Alex crossed back to the bed and climbed beneath the covers, scooting close to the brunette to lay her head on Olivia's pillow. She wrapped an arm around Olivia's waist and shut her eyes, burying herself deeply under the warm comforter. She thought that both she and Olivia could use a few more minutes in the comfort and security of their bed before getting up to face what promised to be a difficult day.

Alex and Olivia were sitting at the kitchen table sipping mugs of steaming tea when the apartment's buzzer rang. Olivia started, slopping tea onto the table as she slammed the mug down. Alex answered, unlocking the building's front door and returned to the table, picking up a paper towel and handing it to her girlfriend. As Olivia mopped up the spilled tea, Alex noticed that her hands were shaking violently. Alex tossed the used paper towel into the garbage and leaned down to press her lips to the crown of Olivia's head.

A few moments later there was a soft knock at the apartment door. Alex composed herself before opening the door and standing aside to allow the ADA entrance. McNeill was a petite woman with a head of long, brown curls and a business-like attitude. She strode into the apartment brusquely as Alex shut and locked the door behind her. "Please, come into the kitchen," Alex invited. "Would you like something to drink?"

"No, thank you," McNeill replied, seating herself across from Olivia at the table and pulling a notepad and pen from her briefcase. "Let's get started, shall we?" she continued as Alex sat down and wrapped her hands around her mug's still comforting warmth.

"Ms. Benson, I'm ADA McNeill but, please, call me Sandra. As I'm sure Ms. Cabot has told you, Judge Sorenson's schedule has been cleared and your trial has been moved up to tomorrow. I plan on calling you as my first witness and I'd like to go over the evidence we have in this case and your testimony."

Olivia nodded in response and gripped the edge of the table with one white-knuckled hand. McNeill turned to Alex with a serious expression. "Ms. Cabot," she began. "I'd like to speak with Ms. Benson alone." Alex opened her mouth to protest, her eyebrows lowering in a dangerous frown, but McNeill held up her hand before Alex could make a sound. "Ms. Cabot, she's going to have to do this alone tomorrow and I'd like to practice today, before we're in front of a judge and jury. If you insist on staying, you can, but I advise against it."

Again, Alex began to protest but was interrupted by Olivia's voice. "Alex," she said, harshness roughening her words. "Sandra, I'm right here. You two are arguing as if I can't speak for myself. I'm not an invalid. Alex, go. I'll be fine." Olivia's face was reddened with anger and emotion but her voice softened and gentled as she continued. "Really, honey, I'll be fine. Will you go and pick up some coffee for me?" As she spoke, she raised her arms, reaching for her lover.

Alex stepped into her embrace, wrapping her arms around Olivia's shoulders and feeling her girlfriend's cheek rest softly against her belly. She pulled back and leaned down to give Olivia a peck on the lips and murmured, "Alright, darling, I'll see you in a couple of hours." She stepped away and picked up her coat and purse. She nodded to McNeill and headed for the apartment door.

Alex rattled her key in the apartment door, swearing under her breath as the lock stuck and she tried to balance her purse and Olivia's coffee while she struggled to force it to turn. Without warning, the door swung open and she nearly stumbled into Sandra McNeill. "Hello, Ms. Cabot," said the brunette. "I was just leaving. I'll see you tomorrow morning in court." Alex nodded in greeting and goodbye as the petite woman breezed out the door and down the hall.

She nudged the door shut with her foot and walked to the kitchen. Olivia was standing at the sink, rinsing her mug and looking out of the window but she turned as Alex entered. "Hi," she murmured. Alex set the coffee on the table and shrugged off her jacket as she returned the greeting. Olivia's eyes were red but she seemed calm, her posture relaxed.

"I brought you coffee from Jeffrey's cart down the block. One cream, two sugars," Alex said, a smile playing at the corners of her mouth as Olivia's face lit up with anticipation. The brunette walked to the table and took a long sip of the hot coffee, closing her eyes in enjoyment. When she lowered the cup, she met Alex's gaze and succumbed to the expectation in her girlfriend's eyes.

Olivia smiled a little palely and jerked her head toward the living room before heading to sit on the couch, Alex following behind. Alex sat on the opposite end of the sofa from Olivia and waited in silence for Olivia to begin. The brunette took another long sip of her coffee before beginning. "We went over my testimony. She wants to call me just after opening statements. She told me about the evidence she plans on presenting." Olivia took a deep breath and another sip and Alex saw that her hand was shaking. Alex reached out to take Olivia's hand but stopped short as Olivia jerked away. Alex froze and hardly dared to breathe when she took in Olivia's glassy eyes. She remained like that for a long moment until Olivia finally blinked and noticed Alex's frightened expression.

"Alex," she whispered. "I'm sorry." Olivia reached out and grasped Alex's outstretched hand, squeezing gently in an effort to still her own hand's shaking. "She has the tapes, video of everything he did." Olivia choked as a sob clutched her chest and paused for a moment to regain her composure. She turned to look at the carpet, away from Alex's pitying blue eyes, and continued. "She has the photos from his apartment, photos of the blood in the van. And he hasn't denied anything. She says that he still brags about it." She paused again and squeezed Alex's hand desperately, drawing a shuddering breath. "Alex, he's proud of it, proud of what he did to me," she cried, unable to control her emotions any longer.

Alex moved to sit next to her lover. She took the forgotten coffee cup from Olivia's hand and set it carefully onto the end table before reaching down to hook an arm under Olivia's legs. Tenderly, she lifted Olivia's painfully thin legs and laid them over her own thighs so that the brunette practically sat in her lap. Olivia leaned in to the contact, resting her cheek on her own arm as she wrapped it around Alex's shoulders. Alex hugged her tightly, one arm around the brunette's waist and the other reaching up to caress Olivia's short, dark hair.

Olivia sobbed into the nape of Alex's neck while the blonde cradled her securely. Through her tears, Olivia spoke in a trembling whisper. "I don't think I can do this, I don't think I can face him," she sobbed.

Alex moved her fingers in reassuring patterns in Olivia's hair, craning her neck so that her cheek rested protectively on Olivia's forehead. "You can do this, darling, you're strong. I see how strong you are every day and I love you for it," she murmured in a low voice. "You're allowed to be scared, isn't that what you tell the victims? What matters is that you do your best. And I'll be there for you the whole time, darling, the whole time."

Olivia's sobs quieted but her tears still fell. Alex held her in silence, using her entire body to comfort her lover and hoping she was doing some good. Finally, Olivia took some deep breaths and lifted her head to look at Alex. She hesitated and then said, "Thank you, Alex, for everything."

Alex leaned in and gave her girlfriend a chaste but lingering kiss. "Olivia, you're welcome. And I know that you can do this." They kissed again, breaking apart only when Olivia drew back.

Exhaustion clouding her eyes, she grinned shakily. "Alex, what did you do with my coffee?"


	16. Chapter 16

Alex pushed Olivia's wheelchair through the chilly winter air towards the courthouse. Though Olivia had initially fought against being pushed, preferring to walk in under her own power, she had relented in the face of Alex's stony façade. Alex, having years of experience prosecuting these types of cases, knew the power the image of an injured victim could exert over a jury. The sight of Olivia, a decorated and seasoned NYPD detective, relegated to a wheelchair by an evil man would be a dramatic image. Alex understood that McNeill had a hard case to fight.

Though the evidence was rock solid against Dennis O'Hara, the perp's counselor was presenting a mental disease or defect defense. His aim was to have his client enrolled in a program in a mental hospital with the possibility of release upon completion of his treatment. McNeill, however, was pursuing a life sentence with no chance of parole due to his obvious intent, his hate-based motivation and the inhuman brutality of his attack on Olivia. Alex wanted to do everything she could to help the ADA; she hoped to see the bastard rot in prison, hoped that he would spend the rest of his days getting a taste of what he had done to her girlfriend. Beneath her calm exterior, Alex was seething with anger and with compassion for what her partner was about to endure. However, for Olivia's sake, Alex maintained her stoic composure and wheeled her girlfriend into the courtroom.

The gallery was nearly full. The back rows contained reporters, notepads and pens poised for the trial's beginning, while the front benches were occupied by Olivia's colleagues and closest friends, a veritable wall of dark blue. Alex maneuvered Olivia's chair into the handicapped spaces just behind the railing separating the legal counsel from the onlookers. As they arrived, Elliot, John, Fin and Cragen stood to greet the women, embracing Alex and leaning down to clasp Olivia's hand and murmur words of support.

Alex helped Olivia slip her jacket off before removing her own and taking her seat on the bench next to her girlfriend. Silently, she reached out with her left hand to enfold Olivia's right, bracing them both for what was to come.

The opening statements began precisely at 9 am. Sandra McNeill took the floor first, speaking directly to the jurors in a carefully calm but emphatic voice. She described Olivia's kidnapping briefly in clinical tones, detailing the toothpick depressing the apartment buzzer, the men who beat Olivia into submission before throwing her into a black van. As she recounted the torture Olivia suffered at his hands, she glossed over most of the details, mentioning only particularly poignant moments. She stressed the fact that O'Hara had clearly planned his actions, filling his apartment with hundreds of photos of Olivia snapped using a telephoto lens. Finally, she finished, asking the jurors to give Olivia – a woman who had dedicated her life to aiding New York City's victims – justice.

Alex squeezed Olivia's hand, relieved that McNeill had just completed a statement that Alex herself would have been proud to give. Olivia gripped her hand in response, though her expression was flat and detached. She had clearly locked down her emotions as best she could in order to make it through this first day of trial. Alex rubbed her thumb across the smooth skin of Olivia's wrist and returned her attention to the proceedings as the defense rose to make his own statement.

He did his best to redirect at least some of the jurors' sympathy towards his client. He stressed the terrible illness that must beset a mind to cause a man to commit these acts, convincing the jury that his client bore an irrational hatred towards homosexuals due to childhood abuse. He hinted at a history of emotional and physical abuse directed at O'Hara by his parents, their efforts to prevent him from engaging in homosexual acts through beatings and psychological torture. He posed the question as to whether such a mind belonged in a prison or whether it deserved the healing that Dennis O'Hara so desperately needed.

Once he finished and sat down, Judge Sorenson called for a fifteen minute recess before the prosecution could begin. McNeill shuffled her notes into an orderly stack at her table before walking towards Olivia and her supporters. "I think that went pretty well," she began by way of greeting. "I think we've got a pretty compelling case here and I doubt that the jury is going to buy the load of bull that Pearson is trying to sell. Anyway, are you ready, Ms. Benson?"

Olivia grasped Alex's hand firmly and nodded. "I guess so," she said with quiet determination. "This isn't the way I had imagined coming out to the city, but it needs to be said." Alex smiled at Olivia, too proud of her girlfriend to find the words to express her emotion. Olivia's free hand clenched the arm of her chair and her forcibly regular breathing and taut jaw signaled her determination to face her attacker, whatever the cost or result, without breaking down. Alex sighed. Olivia's strength surprised and inspired her in new ways every day. She only wished that she could have half of the brunette's resilience.

As the jurors filed back to their places and Judge Sorenson poured himself a fresh glass of water, Sandra squeezed Olivia's shoulder reassuringly and returned to her bench. Alex continued to hold Olivia's hand, determined to comfort her as long as possible before it was time for her testimony. Judge Sorenson rapped his gavel smartly and called the courtroom to order. As the rustling and quiet chatter of the gallery died down, the ADA stood and called out, "The prosecution calls Detective Olivia Benson to the stand."

The bailiff came to wheel Olivia to the witness stand and Alex gave Olivia a final caress before she released the brunette's hand and the bailiff pushed her away. Olivia looked as dignified as she could as she was sworn in. She was dressed simply and conservatively in a pair of taupe slacks and a navy cashmere sweater and her favorite pearls – gifts from Alex – caught the light, flashing palely from her ears. In the sunlight streaming through the courtroom windows, Alex could clearly make out the scars of whip slashes crisscrossing Olivia's cheekbone and the raised, puckered ligature scar from the iron ring that O'Hara had locked around her neck. The clarity and distance brought flashes of the horrific and relieving night that she had found Olivia, chained, freezing, her body convulsing, and heard her breathless, exhausted screams of agony. A violent shudder shook Alex's body as she vividly remembered holding her lover's nearly lifeless body in her arms after so many hours of terrified waiting. Alex clenched her fists, her nails biting into her palm, and forced herself to remain calm and strong.

Resting her hands in her lap, Olivia listened intently to McNeil's questions, patiently stating her name and briefly describing her history with the NYPD. When the ADA brought up her relationship with Alex, Olivia's eyes flicked quickly to meet Alex's blue ones, hesitating for a second before answering. "Yes, I have been dating Alexandra Cabot for two years," she stated simply, smiling faintly at the fond memories of those months.

"And who have you told that you are a homosexual?" asked McNeill, leading Olivia down the path of questioning that they had practiced the day before.

"I've told my captain and my co-workers, members of the DA's office, and anyone else I thought would have a right or a need to know," she responded.

"Have you ever brought up your sexual orientation when dealing with cases, detective?"

"Yes, on occasion I have. Sometimes, it helps to empower victims to come to court to confront their abusers, especially when a victim suffered a hate crime based on their orientation."

McNeill continued her questioning, asking questions designed to help the jury focus simultaneously on Olivia as an openly gay professional and as a detective who was willing to put anything on the line to help a victim. She even brought up Olivia's conception and anecdotes from her difficult childhood to demonstrate the detective's courage and evoke the jury's compassion. Finally, however, McNeill's questioning turned to the events of Olivia's attack.

"Ms. Benson, on the night you were kidnapped, what do you remember?"

"I, uh, was woken up when my apartment buzzer rang. I answered but the buzzer kept ringing. It had happened before, teenagers playing a joke, so I ran down to scare them off. But when I left the building, a man grabbed me and hit me. I fought back, but he hit me again and I passed out."

"And what happened next?"

Olivia took a deep breath before continuing her story. "I woke up in the van and bit one of the men's hands. He hit me again and when I woke up, I was tied up and lying in a basement."

"What else do you remember?" McNeill asked, moving to stand directly in front of the jury, resting her hand on the railing, but still facing towards Olivia.

"He said that I was a filthy dyke and that he would teach me a lesson. He beat me with a whip and left me hanging from the ceiling for the rest of the night. He taped the whole thing and made me listen to it until he came back."

Olivia continued to recount the horrific events of those few days, carefully controlling her voice and pausing only a few times to blink back stinging tears. She purposely avoided Alex's gaze, though she could feel her girlfriend's blue eyes upon her. She knew that as soon as she caught a glimpse of Alex's worried, frightened expression, she wouldn't be able to hold herself together any longer. So she stared at her hands, at the floor, McNeill, the ceiling, anything to avoid her lover's eyes.

Horrifyingly, she could also sense the burning gaze of her attacker, burrowing into her, laughing silently as he listened to her heartbreaking testimony. Olivia had snuck only one quick glance at O'Hara as he entered the courtroom, a guard at each arm, chains clinking as he walked. His eyes were locked on her as he was escorted to the defense table. A sickening grin stretched his lips wide until his mouth resembled a jagged slash in his sallow face. Olivia held his gaze for a heartbeat before nausea nearly overwhelmed her and she turned away, fighting her powerful urge to run, to run until her legs gave out and she collapsed on a freezing sidewalk with an unfamiliar sky blue above her.

"Ms. Benson?" The judge's deep voice startled Olivia, snapping her back from the vivid, flashing memories trapping her in her own mind. She blinked violently, covering her eyes with her palm for a moment, trying to banish the pain and fear for just a few more minutes. She refused to break down in front of her colleagues, in front of the man who had tried to take her dignity and her life. Finally, she turned to face the judge and nodded. "I'm sorry, what was the question?"

Judge Sorenson nodded back before signaling the ADA to continue with a gentle wave of his hand.

"Ms. Benson, just one more question. Can you identify the man who attacked you?"

Olivia nodded firmly and raised one hand to point squarely at O'Hara. "It was him."

McNeill turned to the judge. "No further questions, your honor."

O'Hara's defense attorney rose, smoothing his suit jacket as he strode confidently towards the witness stand. "Ms. Benson," he drawled. "Had you seen my client before he attacked you?"

Olivia blinked before shaking her head. "No, I don't think so."

The defense attorney – Pearson – grinned at Olivia, pity smugly written all over his expression. "I'm afraid you're mistaken, detective. Six months ago, my client was sitting in an interrogation room in your precinct. His brother, a homosexual, had raped another man to get revenge for being infected with HIV. Based on your faulty DNA evidence, you mistakenly arrested my client for the assault and tried to convince him that he was a homosexual, that he was a rapist. When you finally realized your mistake, his brother had taken hostages and was gunned down by your partner. Because of your inability to do your job, Dennis O'Hara was thrown into jail and his brother was murdered by the NYPD, by your own partner. Do you remember now?"

Olivia nodded, the memories returning in a flood. She remembered O'Hara's crazed eyes as he railed against the interrogation room walls, throwing a punch at her partner, screaming that he was straight, that he wasn't a fag. Never once did he protest against his false arrest, never once did he insist that he was innocent. He only cried that he loved women, that he could have any woman he wanted, over and over.

"So you must remember my client's behavior. Did he seem like a sane man to you, Ms. Benson?" Pearson asked, maintaining his smug expression.

"I'm not a psychiatrist, Mr. Peterson," Olivia replied, her eyes fixed sternly on the defense lawyer.

"Just speculate, Ms. Benson. You've been doing your job, if poorly, for a long time. You must have an opinion on the matter."

McNeill shot out of her seat. "Objection, your honor. Detective Benson is right. She is not a trained psychiatrist."

The judge considered for a moment before responding. "Sustained. Move on, Mr. Pearson."

Pearson nodded without faltering or blinking an eye. "No further questions, your Honor."

The judge turned to Olivia who had grown pale. Her eyes were widened as she stared unfocusedly and her hands twisted together. His face softened, kindness and sympathy filling his heart. "You may step down, detective." Olivia made no move to acknowledge his words as the bailiff strode to wheel the stricken woman back to the gallery.

He turned back to the courtroom and cleared his throat. "Today's session is adjourned. We'll begin tomorrow morning at 9 a.m." He gave his customary address to the members of the jury and stood to leave, catching a glimpse of the detective and her girlfriend walking through the doors. He sighed to himself as he entered his chambers and shrugged out of his robe. This was going to be a long and unpleasant case.

After the judge had dismissed them, Alex bent down to soothe Olivia. One hand resting on the nape of Olivia's neck, her thumb ghosting over the raised scarring, Alex looked for a sign of relief, of exhaustion, of any emotion on the brunette's blank face. She found none. Olivia's expression was deadened, her eyes distant and her skin frighteningly white beneath her olive coloring. Receiving no response to her touch or her words, Alex pressed her lips tenderly to Olivia's cheek before straightening and pushing her girlfriend toward the car.

Olivia did not speak during the car ride home nor did she make a sound as Alex escorted her up to their apartment. Once inside, Alex removed her jacket and then Olivia's, but the brunette made no move to help. Alex pushed her into the living room and knelt in front of her girlfriend. "Olivia, look at me, darling," she pleaded softly, holding one of Olivia's hands in each of her own. "Olivia, what's wrong? Talk to me. You did so well, I'm so proud of you. It's over, darling, you don't have to look at him ever again if you don't want to. But right now, please, I'm begging you. Please say something." Alex's voice, normally low and measured, rose in pitch as she spoke, a quaver making her last words nearly unintelligible. She could handle Olivia pushing her away or Olivia lying in her arms sobbing. But this blankness scared Alex. She needed Olivia to respond to something, to say something or move, anything.

Finally, Olivia blinked and looked into Alex's eyes. She held her silence for a long pause as Alex's heartbeat pounded in her ears and she bit her lip to stop herself from crying out to the brunette. When Alex didn't think she could stay still any longer, Olivia spoke. "Alex," she whispered. "I can't right now, I can't think. I don't know what to do." Olivia's whisper trailed off into the barest breath. Alex squeezed her girlfriend's hands, relief flooding her senses.

"I know what to do, darling." Alex rose and, still grasping Olivia's hands, helped the brunette gingerly stand. Without a sound, she guided Olivia into the bedroom and eased her to sit on the bed. Lovingly, Alex slid Olivia's sweater off, tossing it into the closet. Olivia's pants and socks followed and Alex gently re-dressed her in soft flannel pants and a gray t-shirt. Alex quickly changed her own clothes, slipping on a pair of Olivia's pajamas and breathing in her girlfriend's comforting scent which lingered in the cloth. Alex again helped Olivia stand on wobbly legs and led her back to the sofa.

Alex sat and enfolded Olivia in her arms, easing the brunette to sit sideways on her lap. Alex lifted one of Olivia's limp arms and wrapped it around her own shoulders so that her girlfriend could lean into Alex's embrace and rest her cheek on Alex's shoulder. Moving slowly so as not to disturb the silent woman, Alex pulled the familiar vial from her pocket and rubbed a generous amount of the oil between her palms. She pushed the hem of Olivia's shirt up to the brunette's shoulders before resting her warm hands at the base of Olivia's back.

She began her massage slowly, smoothing her slick hands over Olivia's back from shoulder to hip, warming the scented oil on her skin until the aroma of lavender filled the air soothingly. Beginning again at Olivia's lower back, Alex increased the intensity of her ministrations, kneading her lover's soft flesh with strong hands. Alex's heart reached out to Olivia each time her fingers found a tense muscle or began to work on a new knot. Olivia was so strong that sometimes even Alex could hardly catch a glimpse of the pain the brunette was hiding with a steely grip. She was gratified, however, as she felt Olivia's warm breath wafting across her throat and as Olivia's entire body seemed to slowly melt under her touch until the brunette was resting completely against her.

Eventually, Alex tugged at the hem of Olivia's shirt, pulling it down. She grabbed a quilt from the back of the sofa and spread it over both of them, tucking it snugly around Olivia's legs. She wrapped her right arm tightly around Olivia's waist, pressing the brunette's body to her own, and she cradled the back of Olivia's head gently against her own shoulder. Olivia had not uttered a single word since her earlier plea but Alex could feel her relaxing and was determined to hold her like this as long as Olivia wanted. She had earned this, Alex thought to herself.


	17. Chapter 17

Alex groaned inwardly and pulled the comforter up to her chin. She shivered and scooted towards the opposite side of the bed, searching to snuggle close to Olivia's warm, comforting presence. Her fingers patted the sheets, feeling nothing but wrinkles and cold cloth. Alex flipped on the lamp and rubbed her sleepy eyes with the back of her hand. She was alone in the bed and Olivia was nowhere to be seen.

Alex threw the covers off and sprang out of the bed, her feet slapping on the cold wood floor. Without even bothering to grab her robe to shield herself from the chilly air, she yanked the door open and exited the bedroom. A quick check of the kitchen and living room turned up no sign of the brunette and she returned to the bedroom to grab her glasses and call for help. Slipping the frames onto her face, she noticed a faint glow from under the bathroom door. Walking quietly, she moved to the door and silently pushed it open.

Olivia stood in front of their full length mirror, her pajamas in a pile on the tile floor. She was staring at her reflection in the overhead light, her hands moving slowly over the scarred flesh of her breasts and abdomen. Her jaw was slack and her breathing was slow and shallow. Her fingers paused occasionally in their search, lingering on raised, angry red scars until one hand reached to reluctantly ghost over the ruins of her once beautiful core. A quiet sob choked the brunette, though she made no other sound.

Alex pushed the door open a fraction wider and stepped slowly inside. "Olivia," she said, simply and softly. Her girlfriend made no response though her hands stilled, one over her core and the other flat, fingers splayed, on her stomach. Alex stepped closer, speaking again. "Olivia, are you all right?"

Olivia's eyes flashed to Alex and back to the mirror, but she made no other response. She pressed her lips tightly together and her eyes darted across her reflection, seemingly unable to remain still, though her hands didn't move. Alex moved to stand behind the brunette, raising her hands to rest on Olivia's upper arms and setting her chin on her girlfriend's shoulder. She looked at Olivia's brown eyes in the reflection and held her gaze. Alex rubbed her hands up and down the length of Olivia's upper arms, her fingers bumping over scars and goosebumps.

Saying nothing and still holding Olivia's gaze, Alex ran her hands down to caress Olivia's hips and then moved them to lie on her stomach, folding Olivia in a tender embrace. The brunette inhaled deeply, her body shivering gently in the chilly bathroom. Alex tilted her head so that she was cheek to cheek with her lover before her hands resumed their loving exploration. Her left hand crept upwards to cradle one of Olivia's disfigured breasts while her right hand moved downward, grasping Olivia's hand and pulling it away, exposing the mutilated flesh at the junction of her thighs.

A strangled groan of protest twisted itself from Olivia's throat and she attempted to pull away from Alex and cover herself. With firm hands, Alex prevented Olivia from escaping and, pressing herself against her lover's back, kissed her lover warmly on the cheek. "It's alright, darling, you can let me see," she crooned.

Olivia turned her head away, closing her eyes, and responded in a strangled murmur. "No, Alex, I can't."

Alex loosened her arms around the brunette in surprise and compassion, but Olivia did not move away. Olivia, eyes still squeezed shut, continued. "I want to, Alex, but I can't. I can't!" Her last words were spoken in a rush, in a violent exclamation. Alex retightened her arms around Olivia's waist, holding her in silence until some of the tension left the brunette's posture. She then gently turned Olivia in her arms until they were face to face. Olivia's eyes remained closed but none of the emotion remained in her expression. Alex used a finger under Olivia's chin to tilt Olivia's face upwards before pressing her lips to the brunette's, not exploring, just making contact.

Finally pulling back, Alex spoke softly. "Come back to bed, darling, I have an idea." Olivia blinked her eyes open and looked at the taller woman curiously. She made to speak but Alex laid a finger across her lips, stopping her. "Just come back to bed, honey." Taking her by the hand, Alex led Olivia out of the bathroom. She helped her to lie back against the pillows and pulled the comforter warmly up to Olivia's waist. "I'll be right back, Olivia."

Alex stepped into the living room and leaned against the smooth, cool wall for a moment, gathering herself. She had no idea whether her idea would help or if it would further terrify her already distressed lover. But she didn't know what else to do and, clearly, something had to be done. Taking a deep breath, she walked to her desk and pulled open the top drawer. She lifted the cream-colored leather collar from its customary place and ran her thumb over its suppleness. She had rarely touched it in the previous months, preferring to use the black one she had given Olivia as a gift. But this collar brought back special memories for her. It was the one that Olivia had bought on the night she had made a special request of Alex. Since that night, it had been their special time when Olivia returned from work and asked Alex to buckle her collar around her neck. It was a release. Once the buckle was fastened, Alex could see the immediate slump of Olivia's shoulders, see the tension flow out of her body in a rush. When the collar was in place, Alex was in control and Olivia could relax in the comfort of her girlfriend's presence.

Alex shut the drawer and walked back to the bedroom, to her waiting girlfriend, the collar dangling from her fingers. As she entered the dimly lit room, Olivia looked toward the blonde, her eyes widening when she caught a glimpse of what Alex held. Olivia's eyes followed Alex's movements warily as she crossed to sit on the bed. Olivia wore a cautious expression but did not speak.

"Liv, I was thinking about the night you gave this to me and what it meant to us," she said, her gaze resting on Olivia, whose eyes flickered between Alex's blue ones and the object in her hand. "I want you to feel comfortable, I want you to let me touch you and look at you. I know that you think you can't, but I want to help. Do you want this?"

Olivia stayed silent for a few breaths. Finally, she looked straight into Alex's eyes and nodded slowly. Alex smiled at Olivia, though her expression was tinged with mixed hope and sadness. Calmly, she wrapped the soft leather around Olivia's neck and buckled it loosely against her throat. As she worked, Olivia's left hand flew to rest on the leather, pressing it against her skin and her eyes closed softly. Alex lowered her hands and was worried to see Olivia's pulse beating rapidly in the hollow between her collarbones. "Olivia, are you okay? Talk to me, darling."

Taking deep breaths, Olivia nodded before whispering, "Yes, ma'am." Alex smiled and caressed Olivia's warm cheek with her palm.

"I'm going to turn the light up, darling. Don't be frightened. I'm right here," Alex said, reaching to flip the lamp's switch so that the light would brighten. The new light made Olivia's raised scars stand out as they cast shadows over her flesh. Olivia opened her eyes, a hint of fear making them wide, but Alex simply smiled at her and continued to caress her cheek. She tried to convey as much of her love as possible through her gaze and her touch. Alex felt for her lover, understood how nervous and ashamed she must feel, and wanted her to understand how much love Alex had for her, no matter what had happened.

"I want you to keep your eyes open, sweetie, and I want you to talk to me, tell me how you feel. And if you need to stop, just say the word. Understand?" Alex waited for Olivia's answer before moving a muscle. Olivia simply nodded, keeping her breathing slow and calm.

Alex started slowly, grasping each of Olivia's hands in one of her own and raising them in turn to her lips, kissing Olivia's knuckles warmly. Olivia sighed but her eyes remained open, watching Alex's every movement. Alex replaced Olivia's hands in her lap and ran her hands deliberately up towards the brunette's shoulders. She paused to massage her girlfriend, thumbs running over her collarbone and fingers kneading tense muscles. She bent and pressed her lips to the hollow where Olivia's heart still pounded, warming the skin over its fluttering with her slow exhalation. She kissed a path across the collarbone until her lips reached the wide band of shiny, puckered flesh on Olivia's throat, extending just above where the leather covered the skin. She lingered there for a moment, inhaling the sweet lavender scent remaining from her earlier massage. Olivia's shoulders tensed under Alex's fingers, but the blonde continued and her girlfriend gradually relaxed.

Alex straightened and looked at her lover. "What are you feeling, sweetie?" she asked, her voice firm but full of love. Olivia hesitated before answering.

"I'm scared, Alex," she whispered.

"Tell me what you're scared of, Olivia."

"I'm scared that you'll be disgusted by me, that I'm hideous and you won't…" Olivia's words were cut off as her voice cracked.

"Oh, darling," Alex murmured, her own voice quavering with emotion. "I love you. I don't care what you look like. I don't care what some scumbag did to you. I want to touch you and I want you to trust me. Can you do that?"

Olivia whimpered almost silently. "I don't know."

Alex was quiet and decided to continue her attentions. She ran her hands over Olivia's upper chest, her touch so light that it seemed that she was only feeling the heat radiating off of her girlfriend's tan skin and not the skin itself. Gradually firming her touch, she dragged her fingertips over Olivia's ribs, letting them bump over scars and the brunette's protruding ribs. She really had lost a lot of weight, Alex thought to herself, but decided that she would wait until tomorrow to bring it up. She rested her hands on Olivia's hip bones and leaned down. Her lips met Olivia's skin at the top of the brunette's right breast and she pressed them against a particularly long scar. She kissed the length of the scar as it curved over Olivia's breast and over her nipple. Olivia gasped as Alex's lips touched her disfigured nipple and moved to pull away, her eyes closed in dread.

Alex straightened again and pressed her palm against Olivia's cheek, gently turning her girlfriend's head to look back into her eyes. "Open your eyes, Olivia," Alex said calmly. "You're alright, it's just me."

Olivia complied slowly and was met with Alex's relaxed, smiling expression. She took a few deep breaths before nodding tentatively, allowing Alex to continue. Alex returned to her task, squeezing Olivia's hip bones firmly to reassure her. This time, Alex kissed a line across Olivia other breast, again following the path of another long and ugly scar. Olivia's body shuddered beneath her touch but did not pull away and Alex rewarded her by giving the nipple a long but chaste kiss, exploring the dusky bud with her lips.

A drawn out moan escaped Olivia's lips and Alex felt the vibrations through her lover's flesh. Looking up, she saw a tear winding its way down Olivia's cheek. She hesitated for a moment but Olivia did not make another sound. Alex released her hold on Olivia's hips in order to move to a more comfortable position, lying on her side, her head propped on her hand and even with Olivia's thin waist. She placed her right hand on Olivia's back, her fingers sandwiched between Olivia's body and the sheets, leaving her thumb free to caress the brunette's left hip.

Alex bent down to kiss near Olivia's navel, moving her lips meanderingly across Olivia's abdomen, occasionally pausing to lavish her attention onto an individual scar or a patch of unmarked skin. As she did so, Alex remembered the times she had done this for Olivia in the past, before her attack. Olivia faced the horrors men and women could perpetrate or suffer every day. She counseled victims patiently and with empathy and interrogated suspects with an intensity that continually surprised and impressed the blonde.

Some days, however, Olivia couldn't handle seeing another abused child or holding the hand of another sobbing woman. On these days, she would come home to Alex, exhaustion evident in her eyes and vulnerability obvious in the set of her shoulders. She would hold herself stiffly, at the end of her strength, and Alex would try to reach out to her but receive little response. On these days, Alex would buckle the collar around her girlfriend's neck and order her to respond and Olivia would collapse into Alex's arms, often sobbing or simply begging the blonde to hold her. Olivia needed to be released from the requirement that she maintain her stoic façade and play the relentlessly tough detective in front of her colleagues and in front of the people she worked to protect. Olivia needed to hand over control to her lover and seek comfort in her arms.

Gradually, Alex's lips kissed and nibbled a path towards Olivia's core. As she planted a light kiss just on the edge of Olivia's labia, Olivia gasped and drew her legs rapidly toward her chest. "I can't, Alex, please don't," she hissed through her teeth.

Alex leaned back, her cheek resting in the palm of her left hand. "Tell me, Olivia," she commanded softly.

Olivia's chest hitched as she squeezed her knees together and more tears fell from her eyes. "Alex, I'm ruined," she whispered. "I saw. I look disgusting. I … I don't want you to … to…" Olivia trailed off as she made a noise close to a sob.

"Shhhh, honey," Alex coaxed. "I already told you that I don't care, that I think you're beautiful. I want to do this, Liv. I want to do all of the things that we used to. But I don't want to push you. If you want to stop, just say the word and we can turn off the light and go back to bed. Just say so, baby, and we'll stop."

"I can't, I can't," Olivia repeated, her head shaking gently back and forth, tears coming in earnest.

Alex rubbed her hand over Olivia's side comfortingly. "You can, Liv. I believe you can."

Olivia met Alex's gaze and held it, searching Alex's face. The love she saw there caused her lower lip to tremble and more tears to sting her eyes. "Alex," she said shakily and with a note of longing.

Alex smiled, albeit a little sadly. "Just relax, Olivia," she said tranquilly. "Just concentrate on my lips and my hands on your skin." Alex bent down again and pressed her lips to the same spot, lingering for a long moment before starting to kiss a path around Olivia's core. Alex's hand left its place at Olivia's hip and she ran it down Olivia's thigh, alternating firm contact with her palm and tracing her nails over the soft skin. Finally, Alex pressed her lips directly to Olivia's center, inhaling the familiar muskiness and the sensation of warmth. Neither woman moved except to breathe, Alex inhaling and exhaling steadily and her girlfriend's breath coming in jumpy gasps.

Eventually, Alex began to kiss her way back upwards, over Olivia's abdomen where the scars crisscrossed, leaving few undamaged areas. Alex sensed the jumping muscles under her lips as she continued, but she ignored them. She scooted awkwardly up until she kissed the length of Olivia's neck, caressing the flesh where leather met disfigured skin with her lips and her long fingers. She kissed across Olivia's tanned cheek, pausing at the corner of her girlfriend's lips. Then she wrapped her right hand behind Olivia's head, burying her fingers in Olivia's sweat-dampened hair, and kissed her lips. They remained perfectly still for a moment, simply feeling the contact and taking comfort. Tentatively, her senses searching for any negative response from the brunette, Alex parted her lips and nibbled gently. Olivia opened her mouth, allowing Alex to deepen the kiss. Moving slowly, Alex pressed her body along the length of Olivia's and began to kiss her partner passionately, running her tongue along Olivia's teeth and using her own teeth to nibble Olivia's yielding lips.

Finally, they broke apart. Alex leaned back and took in her lover's relaxed expression, her parted lips, her softly closed eyes. She brushed the tears from Olivia's cheeks with her fingers and pressed a chaste kiss to Olivia's bottom lip. Olivia moaned softly at the contact and Alex once again leaned back and cupped Olivia's jaw. "Look at me, honey," she coaxed tenderly.

Olivia complied, her expression tired and sad, but calm and full of love. "Alex," she said, voice trembling. "Thank you." Alex ran her thumb over Olivia's cheekbone and smiled again, contentment lighting her blue eyes.

"Darling, you're welcome. I love you and I want you to know that every day, every time you think about me. I don't care what you look like, I think you're beautiful. Promise me that you know that, Olivia. Promise me, sweetie."

Olivia nodded, a weak smile lighting up her face, and reached for Alex, drawing the blonde down to lie beside her. Alex reached awkwardly to flip the lamp switch and dragged the comforter over them both. She snuggled close to Olivia, laying her arm protectively over the brunette's stomach and nestling close so that her nose was buried in her lover's short, dark hair. She shut her eyes and felt herself drifting slowly to sleep but not before she heard Olivia's voice faintly whisper, "I promise, Alex. I love you."


	18. Chapter 18

They arrived at the courtroom a few minutes early the following morning, taking seats in the front row of the gallery. A few reporters filed in and, noticing the presence of the victim, edged close to the two women with notepads in hand. Alex kept watch on them out of the corner of her eye and, when a tall man with slicked back black hair opened his mouth and said Olivia's name, Alex immediately locked him in her icy stare. "Please leave us alone, sir," she said, her words polite but her tone dangerous. He faltered under her accusatory gaze and stepped back, turned and hurriedly took a seat several rows back. Alex turned to Olivia, her face quickly softening and Olivia smiled palely. Alex said nothing, instead grasping Olivia's right hand in her left and moving to once again face the judge's seat.

A few moments later, the captain, Fin and Elliot walked in and took their places at Alex's side, greeting the women in whispers as O'Hara was escorted into the courtroom. His sneering eyes quickly located Olivia and he stared, a sick grin twisting his features. Olivia did not return his look and remained facing straight ahead. She refused to give him the satisfaction of a reaction; to her, he was an insect, too unimportant to merit even a glance.

Finally, they rose as Judge Sorenson entered and the trial resumed with McNeill standing to continue presenting evidence against O'Hara. The bailiff wheeled in a cart with a large television and VCR and McNeill approached the jury to explain what they were about to see.

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the prosecution's exhibit A, the video tape recording Dennis O'Hara made during Detective Benson's captivity. He documented every word, every action over those three days and nights. I warn you that this is quite graphic so please prepare yourselves." The lights were dimmed to allow the jury a better view and the screen came to life. A grainy image, taken from a high angle, filled the screen. Olivia was lying on her side, her hands cuffed behind her head, a blindfold covering much of her face. Her voice rang clearly through the courtroom. "Who are you?"

Olivia flinched and she tightened her grasp on Alex's hand until her knuckles turned white and her hand shook with the effort. Alex squeezed back, trying to silently comfort her girlfriend. McNeill used the fast forward button to hurry through the tape until the image showed Olivia on her knees. Her whimpers filled the audience's ears and whip cracks echoed in the paneled courtroom. O'Hara dropped the whip and grasped Olivia's face, thrusting his penis into her slack mouth. Finally, he released her and McNeill once again forwarded through the tape until she paused with an image of Olivia, hanging from her bound breasts, tortured with the sounds of her own agony.

McNeill took a few steps toward the jury box, walking slowly, the click of her heels punctuating her words. "This was only the first few hours of the torture Detective Olivia Benson suffered at the hands of her kidnapper, Mr. Dennis O'Hara." She paused for a moment and asked for the lights to be turned back on. The bailiff complied and then wheeled the television into the corner of the courtroom. "I believe that the rest of the tape would be too traumatic to show here. Instead, I present to you prosecution exhibits B-K, photos of Detective Benson's wounds and of the apparatuses on which she received them."

She removed a large poster board from a nearby easel, revealing an enormous photograph of Olivia's face, turned to expose her broken and bruised left cheek. McNeill explained the injuries as described by the ER doctors before revealing the next photo. It showed Olivia's chest and stomach, though her breasts were covered by a white sheet. The image was grotesque, barely recognizable as the flesh of a formerly healthy woman. The next photo showed the mutilated flesh of her back and the next her legs, the shattered knees and broken bones evident from the strange angles and the deep bruising and swelling. Thankfully, only an illustrated diagram was shown of the damage to Olivia's genitals. The next few photos were of the basement in which Olivia had been held captive, illuminated by cold floodlights.

Olivia pressed her lips tighter together with every new image and intensified her grip on Alex's slender hand. Alex leaned to her girlfriend and rubbed the back of the brunette's white knuckled hand with her fingers. Olivia was rigidly still, ramrod straight in her wheelchair, her eyes fixed on the images being presented. Alex simply held her hand; she would wait until Olivia asked to do anything more. Finally, the judge called for a lunch recess and rapped his gavel smartly to dismiss the courtroom. Before the judge stood, Olivia had released Alex's hand and grasped at the wheels of her chair and began to struggle towards the exit. Alex rose quickly, throwing a meaningful glance at Elliot over her shoulder, and caught up to Olivia. She touched the brunette's shoulder and then put her hands on the wheelchair's handles, taking over from her shaking girlfriend.

Once they had exited the courtroom, Olivia looked up at Alex, shocking the blonde with her ashen skin. She released the chair and dropped to one knee beside Olivia. "Darling, are you alright? You look sick," she exclaimed in a loud murmur.

Olivia shook her head violently, covering her mouth with her hand. She whispered through her fingers, a note of desperation coloring her voice. "The bathroom." Alex jumped up and pushed her rapidly to the women's bathroom, wheeling her to a stall. She helped Olivia take the few steps to the toilet and supported her under her arms as the brunette sank to her knees and rested her hands on the porcelain bowl. As soon as she was on the floor, Olivia lowered her head and vomited, her stomach heaving violently. Alex knelt behind the brunette, wrapping one arm around her middle and rubbing the other up and down the small of Olivia's back. Olivia retched until she had nothing left and continued to dry heave. Alex's heart beat wildly. Her girlfriend's skin felt hot to the touch and the violence of her sickness frightened her.

Finally, Olivia relaxed, leaning back against Alex's solid presence. Her eyes were closed, tear tracks shone on her cheeks, and she struggled to get control of her shallow breathing. Alex held her on the bathroom floor for several minutes before she rubbed Olivia's cheek. "Hey, baby, do you think you can stand up?" she asked soothingly.

Olivia groaned and nodded, her eyes still shut. Alex stood and half carried, half dragged her girlfriend out of the stall and settled her into the chair. Olivia slumped weakly, her head lolling forward. Alex wet a paper towel and wiped Olivia's face, her heart skipping a beat as she felt how hot Olivia's skin was. She pulled a bottle of water from her purse and held it to Olivia's lips, supporting the brunette's head in her hand. "Come on, baby, try to drink this," she said softly. Olivia took a few sips and turned her head away, a small moan escaping her slack lips. Alex thrust the bottle back into her purse and wheeled Olivia back into the courthouse lobby.

Not surprisingly, Elliot, Fin and Cragen were waiting for them, wearing matching anxious expressions. Fin took a step towards them. "Is she alright, Alex?" he asked, concern spreading across his expression.

Alex shook her head. "She's sick. I think she's got a fever. I'm taking her home. Will you call Huang and ask him to meet us there?" Fin nodded and clasped Alex's arm briefly in support.

"You just call if you need anything, Alex. We're all here for you," he murmured. Alex smiled weakly in appreciation before wrapping Olivia in her coat and turning to head for the car.

By the time they reached the apartment, Olivia was shivering uncontrollably and wave after wave of cold sweat formed on her forehead. Alex struggled to help Olivia to the sofa; the brunette seemed too weak to bear even a fraction of her own weight. Alex laid her against the cushions and snatched two quilts from the sofa back, tucking the edges snugly around Olivia's limp body. She ran to the bedroom to grab a set of flannel pants and a long sleeved t-shirt. She tossed the items over Olivia's feet and went to the kitchen for a bowl of cool water and some hand towels.

Setting the bowl on the coffee table, she pulled the quilts down and awkwardly tugged Olivia's sweat-soaked sweater over her head. She removed the brunette's bra and dabbed her skin with a corner of a towel she had dipped into the waiting water. She quickly patted her dry with a fresh towel and helped her put the pajama shirt on, tugging the sleeves and hem down and re-covering her with the quilts. Alex repeated the process on Olivia's legs, finishing by dressing her in the flannel pants and tucking her in securely. She laid a wet cloth across Olivia's forehead before grabbing her cell and sinking into a nearby armchair.

Alex dialed Huang's number and held her breath until she heard him answer. "Hello?"

"George, it's Alex," she said, words spilling over each other in her rush. "Olivia's sick, I don't know what to do."

George interrupted her in a calm voice. "Alex, calm down. Fin called me earlier. I'm on my way to the pharmacy. He said she had a fever."

Alex nodded vigorously as she spoke. "Yes, she covered with sweat and she's shaking. She won't drink anything and she threw up while we were in the courthouse. Please, George."

"Alex, I'm coming. Just keep her warm and keep trying to get her to drink. Try clear soda or some warm tea with sugar. I'll be there soon."

Alex brushed a stray tear from her eye and thanked the doctor before hanging up. She went to the kitchen and poured a small glass of ginger ale. She knelt by the couch and brushed her fingers along Olivia's cheek to get her attention. Olivia slowly opened her eyes and looked unfocusedly at the blonde. "Olivia, I want you to try and drink this, baby. It'll make you feel better. Come on," she said, lifting Olivia's shoulders fractionally and holding the glass to her dry lips. Olivia moaned but complied, taking a few sips before she gasped for breath and shook her head weakly. Alex eased her back onto the pillows and set the glass on the table.

Suddenly, Olivia struggled to turn on her side and coughed weakly, her head hanging. Alex sprang up and grabbed a small wastepaper basket. She dropped to her knees again and set the can on the floor. She grasped Olivia's shoulders and guided her onto her side so that she could vomit into the trash can. She caressed Olivia's shaking shoulders with strong hands as the brunette fought to bring up the few sips of soda she had managed to drink. Finally, her heaving lessened and she gasped for breath. Alex helped her to lie back and smoothed the damp hair from her forehead, rewetting the cloth and dabbing the sweat from Olivia's grey face.

Alex remained kneeling, trying to comfort Olivia, until she heard a soft knock at the door. Thanking God under her breath, she stood and opened the door, ushering Huang quickly in. He smiled at Alex and walked to the sofa where Olivia was fitfully resting. He perched on the edge of the cushions and rested a hand on the brunette's forehead. "She has a fever alright," he said, digging into the plastic bag he had brought in with him. He pulled out a thermometer, tore the packaging open and spoke softly to the sick woman. "Olivia, this is George. I'm going to put a thermometer in your mouth. Just hold it there for a few minutes. No, no, don't move, Olivia, just relax," he said soothingly, pushing Olivia's hands back down to rest on her stomach as she moved to protest. He put the thermometer under Olivia's tongue carefully and glanced at his watch.

The seconds ticked by as George timed the thermometer and Alex hovered nearby, holding her breath. Finally, he picked up the thermometer and held it up to the light, squinting to read it. "102," he read before capping it and setting it on the coffee table. He stood to speak to Alex more comfortably. "Alex, her fever's high, but not high enough to force us to take her in. You said she was vomiting so I got these at the pharmacy." He handed her two orange pill bottles.

Alex read them and looked questioningly at Huang. He nodded, saying, "They're suppositories. That's an anti-nausea and that's a fever reducer. I'd like for her to have her first dose as soon as possible." He trailed off gradually, looking at Alex expectantly. She didn't immediately react so he continued. "I can do it, if you'd like, but I think she would be more comfortable if you…"

Alex held up a hand and spoke. "No, no, George, I'll do it." He rustled in the sack again and brought out a package of latex gloves.

"Here," he said, opening the package and handing her a glove. She accepted it and sat on the sofa, near Olivia's knees. With George's steadying hands, she eased Olivia onto her side, trying to ignore her girlfriend's pitiful groaning for the time being. She pulled the blankets up to the brunette's waist and then, hooking her fingers over the waistband of her flannel pants, glanced at George who politely looked away, though he maintained a gentle grasp on Olivia's hand. She pulled the waistband down over Olivia's hips and repeated the process with Olivia's panties. Unwilling to frighten her girlfriend, Alex spoke softly to her, explaining what she was doing. Olivia only moaned in a trembling voice, her eyes shut and jaw slack. Alex snapped the glove onto her hand and shook one of each pill into her other palm. Tenderly, she probed Olivia's backside, preparing her, and then inserted the suppositories one after the other. She tugged the latex glove off before quickly replacing Olivia's panties and pajama pants and tucking the quilts back around her legs. George eased Olivia to lie on her back and adjusted her blankets with care.

He stood and beckoned for Alex to follow him into the kitchen. Alex complied, dropping the glove into the garbage, sinking onto a chair and burying her head in her hands. "Alex, you did great. Now we just have to wait for the medicine to work. She'll feel better in a little while, her fever will drop and she'll be able to drink something. Now, do you want some tea?"

Alex looked up in surprise and took in the small man moving about her kitchen, already locating mugs and tea bags in one of the cabinets. She nodded and he filled the kettle, putting it on the stove and dropping a tea bag into each mug. He joined her at the table and rested his hand soothingly over one of hers. "Alex, tell me how you're doing," he coaxed.

She took a long breath and exhaled slowly, returning George's calming grip, before answering. "George, I'm tired. This is so hard. She's scared of her own body, of noises, of going to sleep. Sometimes she's even scared of me. I don't know what I'm doing and now she's sick and it has to be my fault. I should have prevented it."

George spoke when Alex paused and closed her eyes. "Alex, you're putting too much pressure on yourself. You can't do everything alone. Ask for help. There a group of men waiting around, phones in hand, for you to call. They'd do anything for you and Olivia," he said, stopping short as the blonde interrupted him.

"I know, George, but…"

George squeezed her fingers more tightly and she stopped short. He spoke again. "Alex, listen to me. You need to get your life back. Olivia has been through something terrible but she's coming back, step by step. I think that the best thing you can do is to try to live as normal a life as possible. Take her out to dinner, get Elliot to come over and visit her while you go out. Call up a friend and go to a movie. Olivia's a grown woman and so are you. You need to feel like you can be normal, like you're the same couple you were before. Don't do too much at once, but start with a small outing. When she's feeling better, I suggest you just run out and have lunch and people watch or take a few laps around the park. It'll do you both some good."

Alex smiled at George, giggling weakly and a little hysterically at George's suggestion. Just a few weeks ago, she and Olivia delighted in frequenting their favorite hole-in-the-wall restaurants, looking through musty shelves in a used bookstore, or ambling through Central Park and laughing at the antics of tourists. Now, the thought of grabbing a sandwich at a deli two blocks away was more than a little terrifying. Soon, however, her giggles dissolved into desperate sobs, quietly at first and gradually more intense, until her forehead rested on her hands and her shoulders shook wildly. George reached to rest his hand between her shoulder blades before the kettle began to whistle and he stood to move it before Olivia was disturbed.

He carefully filled the two waiting mugs and added a lump of sugar and a splash of milk to each. He turned back to the sobbing blonde and set the mugs on the table. He pulled his chair to sit near Alex and resumed his comforting, rubbing his hand firmly up and down her back, handing her tissues periodically from a nearby box. Gradually, her sobs lessened and she looked up at George's composed face and accepted yet another tissue, wiping away her tears and blowing her nose.

With a half grin, he nudged her mug towards her. "Your tea is getting cold, Alex. Now, tell me how you feel."

Alex laughed weakly. She felt better than she had in weeks, lighter in spirit. Somehow, crying with a friend was more satisfying than crying alone in the bathroom and she told Huang so, eliciting a chuckle from the kind man. Huang answered, "I know. This is what I do for a living, Alex." Both of them grinned and sipped their tea, soon each lost in private thoughts but enjoying the other's silent companionship.

They had nearly finished their mugs when a soft voice reached their ears. "Alex?" Alex quickly set her mug in the sink and strode back to the living room, George following closely. She sat gingerly on the edge of the sofa and laid her hand tenderly on Olivia's forehead, trying to gauge the brunette's temperature. If she wasn't mistaken, her skin felt a fraction cooler and she was no longer soaking in chilly sweat. Alex smiled down at Olivia, whose eyes were open but tired. Olivia sighed Alex's name again and leaned in to Alex's cool hand which was now resting against her cheek.

"How are you feeling, sweetie?" Alex asked quietly, brushing Olivia's cheekbone with her thumb.

Olivia groaned mildly. "Tired. And thirsty," she croaked in a whisper.

Alex picked up the glass of ginger ale that was still sitting on the coffee table and held it to Olivia's lips, helping her sit up a fraction. Olivia sipped energetically, finishing half of the glass before pulling away. Alex let her lie back down and gently plumped the cushions and tucked the blankets tighter around Olivia's weak body. She leaned down and pressed her lips warmly to Olivia's pale forehead. She sat up and smoothed Olivia's hair back and smiled. "Close your eyes and try to sleep, sweetie. George and I will just be in the kitchen and we can hear you if you call for us. Try to rest and you'll feel better." As she spoke, Olivia's eyes drifted shut and her expression gradually relaxed into one of peaceful sleep. Alex carefully stood, making sure to not disturb her girlfriend, and retreated into the kitchen for another mug of tea and some conversation with Huang.

Two hours and as many cups of tea later, Alex walked Huang to the door, pausing to embrace him warmly. He had given her such comfort, providing a calming presence in which she was comfortable to cry and laugh and discuss the details of her life with Olivia. He truly had chosen the perfect profession for his mild personality and his patient ability to listen as long as he needed to. She guided him into the hall with a bright smile and raised her hand in farewell as he turned to leave. She closed and locked the door, easing the bolt in place to avoid startling her sick girlfriend.

Alex padded back to the living room and eased herself a little stiffly into an armchair, tossing a blanket over her legs and picking up a magazine. As she read, she periodically glanced over the top of the pages to check that Olivia was resting soundly. The brunette was curled tightly on her side, blankets tight around her shoulders and knees. Her breathing was steady but for an occasional hitch as she shivered in her sleep. However, her rest was blessedly free from nightmares and Alex was grateful for this minor miracle. Olivia had been plagued by them, often only waking after Alex was holding her, pleading for her to wake up, and desperately holding Olivia's arms to prevent her from hurting either of them.

For now, though, Alex continued to worry about Olivia's illness despite George's reassurances, but enjoyed the peace. Her eyes began to slowly droop in the warmth and dimness of her comfortable seat and the magazine began to tilt towards her lap as sleep crept nearer and nearer. Finally, Alex could resist it no longer. She nestled into the soft chair, curling to rest her cheek on a throw pillow, and dropped the magazine on the floor. Her face slackened rapidly as she sank into a restful sleep.


	19. Chapter 19

Olivia held the whipping black mane of the horse tightly, hairs curling and twisting through her knotted hands. The wind ruffled her hair until it stood wildly out in all directions and tears stung her squinted eyes. Ahead she could see nothing but the horse's ears, laid flat, and endless waves of grasses dried golden by the hot sun. They were flying across the plain, the horse's hooves seemingly ghosting across the ground, and Olivia opened her mouth in a wide expression of joy. Through the roaring of the air swirling in her ears, she heard a faint voice calling to her. She stood in the stirrups, searching for the source of the sound but saw no one. She reined in the horse, craning her neck and searching the horizon. Still, she saw nothing. The voice called again, its light timber whirling with the breeze. Olivia threw her leg over the horse's back, dismounting gracefully. Sensing a gentle presence behind her, she turned.

Olivia's eyes blinked open, initially wincing at the light, but quickly adapting. Alex was sitting on the couch, her hip carefully tucked into the crook made by Olivia's curled posture. Smiling softly, she pressed her palm to her girlfriend's forehead. Her skin felt hot to the touch, but not so frighteningly warm as it had a few hours ago. "Hi, darling," she said and moved her hand so that it cupped Olivia's blotchily flushed cheek. "Let's go to bed."

Alex pulled the blankets from her girlfriend's body, noting with some distress that they were damp with sweat. She cautiously helped Olivia stand, wrapping an arm around her for support, and walked her slowly into the bedroom. Sedately, she helped Olivia change into a fresh set of clothes, administering her ailing girlfriend a second dose of the medication Huang had brought before tucking her securely in the thick covers. Alex joined her, flipping off the lamp as she slid between the sheets, and cuddled the brunette close to her own body. Settling her cheek on the pillow, Alex allowed her mind to wander through the many months she had been with Olivia.

It was the detective's strength that had initially attracted Alex to the striking brunette. Her toughness routinely impressed the blonde though Olivia seemed to exhibit it as naturally as she did her dark brown eyes. When she watched through the one-way glass as Olivia interrogated a suspect, Alex often had to fight to keep her knees steady as warmth flooded her abdomen. Even with Cragen or Munch standing by her side, Alex's mind flew to imagine the firm musculature of Olivia's strong shoulders or to piece together the sensations she would experience if Olivia were to run her hands over Alex's pale skin. John occasionally shot her a sideways glance, his expression unsettling Alex, as if he could guess her thoughts. Though, reflecting, Alex considered that she may not have been alone in her fantasies about the squad's favorite detective.

Despite her customary fascination with Olivia's "tough cop" role, the detective's ability to soften with a moment's notice astonished Alex. The first time Alex spied Olivia cradling an abandoned infant in her arms, she actually did have to take hold of a nearby desk to keep from collapsing. Olivia walked smoothly back and forth in one of the interrogation rooms, away from the noise and commotion of the squad room. Her eyes never left the infant she held and she rocked it soothingly, obviously coaxing the poor thing to sleep. Alex could see Olivia's lips move as she walked and, a pang of guilt unable to still her hands, reached out to turn on the room's intercom. She could just barely hear the soft sounds of Olivia cooing to the baby in low tones, reassuring it with comforting words and humming nonsense melodies. Alex felt redness creep into her normally pale complexion and she hurriedly turned off the intercom and escaped before she was discovered. Her efforts did not, however, disguise her flush and her guiltily quick steps and Munch's raised eyebrows were the first of many such expressions traded among the detectives when Alex came to the squad room.

Once they began seeing each other, Olivia hesitantly opened up to Alex. The immediate compassion and openness that had come so easily to Olivia with the baby in her arms were slower in coming with a grown woman. However, as the two women grew closer, Alex gradually discovered additional and surprising facets of her girlfriend's character.

The first time Olivia had opened the door wearing a sky blue skirt and cream colored blouse for a date, Alex's jaw had fallen open in surprise. She had expected slacks, leather boots, possibly a collared dress shirt. The sight of the tough woman grinning self consciously in such a feminine outfit had taken Alex aback. But she managed to quickly overcome her shock and felt herself drawn impulsively to kiss the brunette with surprising passion. And after a night of lovemaking, when Alex lay back exhaustedly against the pillows, Olivia had nuzzled close to her girlfriend. She pulled the blonde's arm over her waist and lay so that they were face to face. The asking expression on Olivia's face had been too sweet for Alex to resist and she had cuddled as close to the brunette as possible. She took one of Olivia's hands in her own and held it against her chest and rubbed her toes up and down Olivia's shin, tickling the brunette. Finally they had drifted to sleep in this position and Alex remembered sleeping better than she had in months.

As she grew increasingly comfortable with the blonde, Olivia's love of cuddling or being held by her girlfriend became evident. Though she maintained a steely, rock of a woman façade at work, at home Olivia was loving and warm. She preferred lying on the couch, her head in Alex's lap, watching a movie to nearly any other activity. Alex simply laughed at the brunette, combing her fingers through Olivia's short hair and rubbing her temples in just the right way to make Olivia yawn with sleepiness and comfort.

Alex smiled privately as she played back her fond memories in her mind's eye and moved so that she could wrap Olivia in her arms more securely. Olivia moaned softly in her sleep and turned her head so that their foreheads nearly touched. Alex smiled a little wider and closed her eyes, floating to sleep with her lover warm in her embrace.

Alex spent the next forty-eight hours doting over her sick girlfriend. Olivia's fever began to creep slowly up every few hours as her fever-reducer wore off. And, between doses of anti-nausea medication, Alex plied her with ginger ale and toast, pleading with her to eat and drink while she could keep the nourishment down. Even so, Alex kept a clean waste paper can at hand, ready to rub Olivia's back comfortingly as she was sick. However, these episodes gradually became less violent and less frequent and Alex was able to help Olivia sit up weakly and rest against the pillows.

The grey pallor lingering under Olivia's tan skin worried Alex, but the blonde took comfort in Olivia's slowly increasing strength and steadiness. On the third day, Alex helped the brunette into the bath, teasing her gently about starting to smell a little like Elliot on a bad day. Olivia didn't smile, focused as she was on keeping her knees from collapsing. Alex helped her sink into the warm, comforting water and smiled at Olivia's long, shaky sigh of pleasure. The blonde knelt on the bathmat next to the bathtub and rested her cheek on her arm on the tub's edge, trailing the fingers of her free hand in the water.

She surveyed Olivia's body through the clear water. The brunette had lost so much weight. Her ribs and hips jutted where once they had been full and smooth. Her collarbone was starkly visible and her arms and legs looked like no more than skin and bone. Her lover's transformation frightened Alex. Olivia had been so healthy. Three times a week, she worked out in the precinct gym with Elliot and Alex appreciated her efforts; Olivia had the most beautiful lean muscles. And the brunette had loved to eat and, when she had enough time and energy, to cook. Alex would roll her eyes at Olivia's seemingly endless appetite, but she secretly loved to watch the brunette eating. Olivia would close her eyes in pleasure at the first bite and Alex would tease her, asking if maybe they should break up so that Olivia could be with her real love in life. Olivia would just poke Alex's flat stomach and invite her, in a playfully wheedling voice, to join in.

In the past weeks, however, Olivia would hardly take a bite, choking down the barest amount she needed to remain alive. And now, ill, the scant few sips Alex could convince Olivia to take were certainly not sufficient. She would have to try harder, Alex thought, and they would get through this. Maybe, if she couldn't get Olivia to eat, Elliot could. She made a note to herself to give the brawny detective a call once Olivia was healthy. He was the brunette's best friend, though they were fiercely competitive. There was no way Olivia would willingly expose a weakness in front of Elliot. If he ate, so would she.

Olivia rested her cheek against the back of the tub, her eyes closed as she soaked in the warmth. She had felt so cold since she had become ill that she had secretly wondered whether she would ever feel warm again. Even the sensation of Alex cuddling close under the covers had done little to ease the shivers that persisted deep in her body. But the bath helped, allowing no escape from its pervasive warmth, and Olivia took full advantage, sliding down until the water lapped at her chin.

Alex picked up a washcloth and a bottle of shower gel. She lathered the cloth between her hands and ran it over Olivia's body, careful not to jar the brunette. Olivia opened one eye and moved to protest but Alex simply shrugged her off and continued her efforts. Exhausted, Olivia simply sank back down into the water and let Alex do as she pleased. At least she would be clean, Olivia thought. Alex took her time and only opened the drain when the water began to cool. She helped Olivia to dry herself with a towel that Alex had lovingly warmed over the floor vent. Alex handed Olivia a fresh set of clothes and helped steady her while she dressed herself.

Once decent, Olivia left the bathroom and padded slowly towards the living room, running her fingertips along the wall to maintain her shaky balance. She sat wearily at the foot of the couch, shaking her head in response to Alex's gestures toward the rest of the couch. Instead, she smiled as strongly as she could and said, "Let's watch some T.V."

Alex shrugged her shoulders in acquiescence, though she was unable to hide the gentle wave of relief. She tossed the brunette the remote and then sank onto the couch, leaning in to snuggle with Olivia as she flipped through the channels. Olivia noticed Alex's extended yawn as she surveyed their choices. She turned to Alex, still smiling, and patted her lap invitingly. Alex snapped her mouth shut, cutting her luxurious yawn short, and shook her head, frowning slightly. "No, Olivia, you don't…"

Olivia cut her off. "Alex, come on. You look exhausted. And it's been a long time since I could do anything nice for you. But you might want to grab a pillow." Alex was a little wary of Olivia's invitation but decided to humor her. After all, Huang had reminded her: Olivia was a grown woman. Alex needed to remember this.

Alex set a throw pillow over Olivia's thighs and slowly lay down until her left cheek rested on the pillow. Olivia continued to flip through the channels and began to card the fingers of her free hand through Alex's blonde hair. She wanted Alex to feel like she could act normally around her, at least for a little while. She missed their teasing. She missed Alex talking to her, really talking, about her latest dramatic phone conversation with her mother or about the antics Trevor Langan had pulled in court. Now it seemed like their conversations revolved around Olivia's new status as a sort of cracked porcelain doll which might break further if handled too roughly. As much as she enjoyed her girlfriend's company and closeness, Olivia needed to try and grasp at the fragments of her old life in order to put them back together. And doing something nice for Alex, rather than the other way around, was at least a first tiny step.


	20. Chapter 20

A few days later, Olivia was up and about, able to leave the bed or sofa for longer and longer periods as her strength returned. They had returned to the courthouse to see the proceedings of Dennis O'Hara's trial, but such trips exhausted the brunette and Alex usually took Olivia home once Judge Sorenson called for a lunch recess.

The trial was proceeding rapidly, even by Alex's standards. McNeill had completed her presentation in just four days of testimony and evidence. After all, O'Hara had made sure that the world would be well aware of his guilt and he took pride in his actions, bragging to anyone who would listen, including the press. The journalists for some of the less reputable publications were taking great joy in recording each of O'Hara's rants and brags and plastering them in blaring letters on their respective front covers. To them, a cop rapist was even more exciting than a cop killer. And it didn't help that Olivia was a member of the so-called panty police who was photogenic to boot.

Once the defense had begun his presentation, the trial became backlogged with expert witnesses: psychologists who testified as to the obviously psychotic actions of a delirious man; neighbors and relatives who described him as suffering from long-term mental and emotional problems. However, once the witnesses had begun repeating each other, Judge Sorenson prodded Pearson to move on. As if he had expected this response sooner or later, Pearson smirked at McNeill and sat at his table. "The defense rests, Your Honor."

Judge Sorenson nodded in acceptance and announced that the lawyers could now begin their closing statements. McNeill shuffled her papers and pulled out the notes detailing the argument she had so carefully crafted over the days of the trial. She reviewed them briefly as she stood to address the jury. She began in typical fashion.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there should be no doubts in your minds as to whether Mr. Dennis O'Hara is guilty of terrible crimes against Detective Benson. You have watched the tapes of his brutal acts, seen photographs of the instruments he used and the injuries he inflicted. You have even heard Detective Benson's own description of her time in Mr. O'Hara's captivity. She is a decorated member of the NYPD, a seasoned veteran of an elite unit in which the average stay is only two years. Dennis O'Hara kidnapped and savagely attacked this dedicated cop for one reason and one reason only: she is a homosexual.

"Over the past few days, you have heard witness after witness describing Mr. O'Hara as a dangerously insane man. They testified to his abuse at the hands of his parents. Tragically, there are thousands of victims of child abuse in New York City alone and very few of them commit such heinous acts as Mr. O'Hara has. The defense has produced character witnesses who cite Mr. O'Hara's long-term mental illness. If he has suffered for so long, why has he never sought out psychological treatment? Why have none of his friends or family members intervened and reported to the authorities that they feared that Dennis O'Hara might be a danger to others?

"The answer is that Dennis O'Hara suffers only from bigotry and hatred. He hates homosexuals, he even hated his own brother. And the sight of a lesbian woman in a position of power obsessed him. He stalked Detective Benson until he had a chance to grab her and try to teach her what he calls lessons. The fact is that this man, Dennis O'Hara, has no record of mental illness. He plotted and executed this attack in cold blood and with all of his mental faculties. And you should find him culpable and send him to prison, where he belongs."

McNeill gave the members of the jury one last searching glance before turning on her heel and marching to her table, an aura of confidence in her performance clearly evident. Once she had taken her seat, she turned and gave Olivia a nod. Olivia nodded back, glad that the trial was nearing its end. After a brief pause, Pearson rose to take his turn.

Like McNeill, he approached the jury box, but without the visible self-assurance. Instead, he projected an air of sensitivity, almost of compassion. The sight made Alex a little sick to her stomach; there were days when she truly believed that defense lawyers had to be scum.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed the ADA's very pretty speech. As she stated, it is true that my client, Dennis O'Hara, committed these brutal acts. However, you must ask yourself. Could a sane man have done these things? Would a sane man practically ask to be caught and then provide the prosecution all of the evidence that they needed to throw him in jail? That doesn't sound like an emotionally healthy man to me and the expert witnesses you have heard from agree.

"I regret what has happened to Detective Benson as a senseless crime. However, throwing Dennis O'Hara in a prison cell and leaving him there to rot would be a crime in itself. This man desperately needs treatment. Without it, he will continue to devolve into his psychosis. But, with help, the psychiatrists you have heard here believe that Mr. O'Hara can lead a normal and healthy life as a productive member of society. To deny him this treatment would be cruel and unusual. Therefore, I ask you, men and women of the jury, to recommend that Mr. O'Hara be sent to a psychiatric facility where he can serve his sentence while monitored by mental health professionals."

Pearson returned to his seat and, as he walked, O'Hara once again turned to leer at Olivia. Clearly, he was confident that he would get sent to some cushy hospital where he could eventually make it back out onto the street. Olivia refused to give him the satisfaction though Alex fixed him with her most honed steely glare. He finally broke the eye contact, sneering and turning to face the judge.

Judge Sorensen asked the jury to proceed to the jury deliberation room and instructed them to do their best to reach a verdict. Once the jurors had filed out, he dismissed the courtroom. Standing, Alex was unsure of what to do next. A trial was very different on this side of the bar and she was at a loss. Elliot stood behind her and, a grim look on his face, suggested that they go and grab some coffee at the little shop across the street from the courthouse. Olivia nodded in agreement and Alex handed her her coat.

Olivia sat at one of the shop's small round tables, waiting while Alex ordered cups of coffee and Elliot excused himself to make a phone call. She clenched her teeth and squeezed her hands into fists, praying that this monster got what he deserved. She had been on the force for a long time and a member of SVU for nearly as long. And this feeling was not a new one; nearly each time she had sat in the back of the courtroom, watching Alex walk smoothly in front of the gallery, she had silently hoped for a guilty verdict. The defendant often sat at the defense table smugly viewing the proceedings and rarely showed the slightest sign of remorse for the disaster he or she had created. She always hoped that, with a guilty verdict, a rapist or child abuser would get a dose of well-deserved medicine or, at least, be off the streets for a very long time. It was the intensity of this feeling of hate, however, that frightened Olivia.

The possibility of her own rape had forever played dimly in the back of her mind. After all, it had happened to her own mother. And this is why she had become a cop. She had hoped that her efforts would save at least one other person from suffering in this way and, as a side benefit, her training and physical strength would save her if the time came. But it hadn't. She was left licking her wounds, nearly an invalid in the care of her girlfriend, and she was fiercely angry. The fury clouded her vision and roared in her ears and she pressed her nails into her palms to let the pain calm her. She wanted the jury to see what she saw, to feel what she felt and to understand that Dennis O'Hara was a disgusting bigot, an unrepentant rapist and torturer who did not deserve the comfort of a psych ward. She wanted him to suffer in prison.

Elliot returned and plopped down next to her on a chair that seemed dangerously close to collapsing under his large frame. He brought a hefty breath of cold air in with him and Olivia shivered. "Did you call Kathy?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah. And the guys. I hope you don't mind, Liv, but they'd want to be here," he responded, tugging his coat off awkwardly and letting it hang on the back of the straining chair.

"Thanks, El. I … I know," she mumbled. She really was grateful to her partner for his forethought; with her colleagues around her, she knew she'd be less likely to do something stupid, especially if the jury returned with a verdict of not guilty. The rational part of her mind understood that, even with such a verdict, O'Hara would be put away for a long time. But a more emotional part raged against such an outcome. She wanted him punished.

Alex returned a few moments later, awkwardly balancing three cups of coffee in her hands. She set them down and apologized to Elliot for not knowing how he took his coffee. He smiled, only the corners of his mouth exhibiting the stress he felt, and reassured her that black was perfect. The three of them sipped in silence, waiting for the phone call letting them know that the jury had returned. Fin, Cragen and Munch entered with a ringing of the tiny bell over the door. Fin and Cragen took places at the table, each bending to embrace their partner briefly before sitting, while Munch went for more coffee.

"How long ago did they go out?" asked Fin.

"About half an hour ago," Alex murmured quietly. The men accepted this with a nod and gratefully accepted their coffees from Munch. The silent waiting resumed until it was broken by Olivia's outburst.

"Somebody needs to talk about something," she said, her voice loud and a little higher than normal. A pause followed, before Munch began talking in his lilting, humorous fashion about his and Fin's latest pursuit of a hump who had been flashing little old ladies in Central Park. The five members of his audience listened with apparent intensity, though it was obvious that their collective thoughts lingered on other topics. However, the story at least eased the previous silent tension, for which Olivia was thankful.

Alex and the detectives remained in their places for a few more hours, periodically sending one of their own for refills of too quickly consumed coffee. Alex checked her watch obsessively, disappointment marring her expression each time five more minutes had passed with no call from ADA McNeill. Just as she was about to suggest that they pack up and head for home as it looked like the jury would be out overnight, her cell phone buzzed. All five detectives jumped as Alex answered. Olivia watched her intently and Alex nodded quickly while she listened to her phone. The call lasted only a minute or two and Alex stood as she flipped it shut. Olivia and the others understood without her having to speak and they gathered their things to head back to the courtroom. Even Munch fell silent as they did so, the gravity of the moment for which they had waited so long weighing heavily on his stooped shoulders.

Quiet rustling filled the otherwise silent courtroom until Judge Sorenson entered and took his place. Shortly afterwards, the members of the jury filed in. The bailiff took the verdict from the foreman of the jury and handed it to the judge who read it and handed it back. He invited the foreman to rise and read the verdict for the benefit of the courtroom. He did so, rubbing a palm nervously over his balding head. "We, the jury, find the defendant, Dennis O'Hara, guilty on all counts and recommend that he receive psychiatric outpatient treatment during his prison sentence." He sat down and Judge Sorenson rapped his gavel to ask for quiet in the courtroom. He thanked the jury for their service, dismissed them and remanded O'Hara to Rikers until his sentencing hearing on the Wednesday of the following week.

Olivia's breath had caught in her chest at the word guilty and she only exhaled when the judge called for an adjournment. Alex's thin hands scrabbled to grasp Olivia's and she leaned close to the brunette, already unable to successfully stem her tears of relief. Olivia returned her grasp tightly, reaching one hand out to rest on Alex's shoulder and pull her in for an awkward embrace. The other detectives gathered close around the women, waiting for them to pull apart so that they could offer their own words of congratulations and support. Finally, Olivia released her hold on Alex and they kissed chastely before Alex straightened. With uncharacteristic clumsiness and ardor, Alex practically threw herself into Cragen's arms, hugging him tightly as she continued to cry gently. Fin dropped to one knee and clasped one of Olivia's hands in his own. "Congrats, Olivia," was all he said, though his expression said what he didn't. Munch touched her shoulder and Cragen, once he extracted himself from Alex's grasp, bent to hug Olivia, whispering congratulations in her ear. He knew that such words sounded hollow, but he could think of nothing better.

The men trailed Alex and Olivia out of the courtroom, only saying goodbye when they had escorted the women to Alex's car. The blonde helped Olivia into the car and, still tearful, shook each of the detective's hands, silently thanking them for their solid support. Brushing stray tears from her eyes, Alex stepped back so Olivia could say goodbye before shutting the door and starting for home.

Olivia changed quickly into pajamas when they arrived at the apartment, tossing her dress clothes sloppily into the closet as she walked slowly to the sofa. She sat down and covered her legs with a blanket against the slight chill, never uttering a sound. Alex joined the brunette, sitting on the opposite edge of the sofa and tucking her feet under her. She sipped at the glass of water in her hand and waited for Olivia to break the silence though she could not quite stop her tears from occasionally falling onto her cheeks. Meanwhile, Olivia sat staring at some spot on the wall opposite, her hands tightly clenched in her lap. The only sound was the clinking of ice cubes in Alex's glass as she drank slowly. Finally, her drink finished, Alex set the glass onto a coaster on the coffee table.

The quiet thump of the glass made Olivia jump violently, jarring her out of her silent state. The movement and sound seemed to have broken whatever stoic resolve was keeping Olivia still and the brunette slumped forward until her forehead rested on her hands. Her shoulders shook with sobs of mixed relief and pain and the sounds broke Alex's heart. Alex scooted close to her girlfriend and stroked her back soothingly, but she made no further move to comfort her girlfriend. Olivia needed to cry, needed to release the intense emotions she had kept ruthlessly in check. Her sobs grew more violent, her voice cracking and her entire body trembling. Alex continued rubbing her back and handing her tissues, longing to comfort the brunette but choosing to let her cry.

Finally, Olivia's trembling lessened and she sat up to lean against the sofa cushions. She wiped her eyes with a fresh tissue and then suddenly leaned into Alex, resting her head on the blonde's shoulder. Alex responded without speaking, wrapping her arms tightly around Olivia's waist, pressing the brunette securely to her body. Olivia sobbed a few more times, the sounds muffled into Alex's body, and gradually relaxed into Alex's embrace, moving only to pull her girlfriend's arms more snugly around her.


	21. Chapter 21

The two women slept late into the next day, peeking out from under the sheets to acknowledge the light streaming through the window and consciously choosing to ignore it. Alex simply buried her face more deeply into the nape of Olivia's neck and the brunette, groaning, laid a hand over her eyes. Finally, as the room glowed in the bright midday sunlight, Alex could stand it no longer. She threw the covers off and walked sleepily to the kitchen. She put the coffee on, knowing that the enticing aroma would lure her girlfriend out of bed sooner or later. She then headed to the bathroom, hoping that a hot shower would wash the laziness from her body.

As she stood under the spray, lathering her hair, Alex's thoughts turned to the events of the previous day. Her body had been tense, simultaneously wishing that she were the one putting O'Hara through the wringer and breathing a sigh of relief that she didn't have to. She couldn't move while the familiar process of reading the verdict took place, the seconds ticking by as if they were hours. When the foreman's voice rang through the silent courtroom with the guilty verdict, she remembered the feeling that she wanted to slide from her bench and lie in a heap on the wooden floor and just let her overwhelming joy and relief wash over her. However, this was Olivia's victory, she had thought, and besides, Alex would never let her colleagues and friends witness such a public breakdown. So she had done her best to share her feelings with the brunette while maintaining her composure as well as she could.

She felt maliciously glad that O'Hara was going to be thrown in prison. She hoped that, at the sentencing hearing, the judge would choose to lock him up and toss the key. That was probably a little extreme, but she at least felt certain that that scumbag was going to be put away for a very long time.

Alex turned off the water and toweled off, wrapping the towel around her hair to help wick the water away. She padded into the bedroom to grab some clothes and noted wryly that Olivia was nowhere to be seen; the coffee trick always worked, she thought. Alex dressed quickly in jeans and a blue v-neck sweater before walking to the kitchen for her own cup of coffee, rubbing her damp hair with the towel as she went. Olivia looked up at Alex through the steam rising from her mug. "Morning, Alex. I heard the water shut off and I poured you a cup." Olivia motioned to another steaming mug on the table.

Alex sank onto a chair and gratefully accepted the coffee. After the first sip, Alex finally responded to Olivia. "Morning, darling. Sleep well?"

Olivia rolled her eyes in playful irritation. Alex knew that they had both crashed into bed the previous evening, emotionally and physically exhausted, and that neither of them had made another move until they were interrupted by the sunny day outside the apartment. "So, what do you want to do today?" Olivia asked.

Alex shrugged her shoulders, dropping the towel onto an empty seat, and began to finger comb her hair in to a semblance of style. "I don't know. I hadn't given it any thought yet," Alex lied. She had thought about it but had resolved to let Olivia choose.

"Ok," Olivia replied. "Well, I want to go on a walk in Central Park. And then I want to go to Rockefeller Center and watch the ice skaters for a while. How does that sound?"

Alex choked on her sip of hot coffee, spluttering in an undignified manner, before clearing her throat and nodding her agreement. She had expected something tamer, shyer even. But, thinking back to before the accident, Olivia had loved these activities, often dragging Alex along for the ride. Alex could never understand why Olivia was so fascinated by the ice skaters. She understood walking through Central Park. It was both peaceful and active at the same time, the wind whispering through the bare tree branches, friends and lovers strolling serenely hand in hand, Frisbees flying through the air for the benefit of pet dogs. As for the ice rink, however, Alex had never been able to figure out the lure for Olivia. And she had never been able to convince the brunette to rent a pair of skates and try it. She would ask Olivia about it this afternoon. First, though, they needed to get a move on. The kitchen clock already said 12:30.

"That sounds nice," Alex said, smiling with excitement and warmth. "But only if you let me buy you a hot dog and a hot chocolate. Now, go get dressed and we'll get out of here." Olivia rose and bent down to press her lips quickly to Alex's before heading to the bedroom.

Alex watched as the brunette walked down the hall, noticing that she limped slightly. Alex had been increasingly concerned about her girlfriend's knees. The surgeon in the hospital had said that the pins were a temporary fix and that she would need further surgeries to permanently correct the injuries. Dr. Messer had said in their last visit that some pain would be unavoidable, but that he wanted to wait to have Olivia operated on until she was stronger. He advised Olivia to stay off her feet as much as possible but, in characteristic fashion, Olivia had promised that she would do so and then proceeded to ignore the doctor's instructions. Alex was a little worried that their outing would put too much stress on Olivia's knees but she had a plan.

She went to the hall closet and pulled out a cane. She had bought it several days ago, figuring that they would need it before long as Olivia grew more active. She also grabbed her coat and hat before returning to the kitchen to finish as much of her coffee as possible before they left. As she sat at the table, she braided her hair into a long plait that hung down her back. She hoped that they wouldn't run into anyone they knew; Alex hated to be seen without her hair properly done.

Olivia returned from the bedroom, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt under a blue flannel shirt. Her grin melted from her expression when she caught sight of the cane resting against the edge of the kitchen table. "Alex, what the hell?" she asked, irritation evident in her voice. Alex stood, her hands held out in a gesture meant to calm her girlfriend.

"Olivia, wait. I know that you're in pain. I can see it when you walk. I want you to take this today, just in case you need it. Please, Liv, do it for me."

Olivia's expression melted into mild irritation and she relented, willing to humor Alex if it would prevent a fight. She put on her coat and, with an annoyed glance in Alex's direction, picked up the cane. She led the way out of the apartment, pausing in the hall while Alex locked up, and then strode to the elevator, obviously correcting for her limp.

The two women strolled through Central Park arm in arm. Alex ignored it, but Olivia had begun leaning on her cane soon after they entered the park, walking gingerly. They proceeded in comfortable silence, the only sounds the crunch of their steps on the path and the laughter of other park-goers frolicking in the snow that had fallen overnight. Their walk brought up vivid memories for Alex of their last stroll through the park, hand in hand, making their way back to the apartment. Alex refused to think of what happened after they had gone to bed on that night. Instead, she chose to enjoy the warm memories of that date, images of Olivia dressed so seductively, the sensation of the brunette's hand in her own as they meandered leisurely through the falling snow. She smiled to herself and hoped that Olivia was doing the same.

After they had walked for a while, Alex spotted Olivia's favorite hot dog vendor. "Come on, Liv, I'm starving. Let's get something to eat. Something with extra relish sounds good right now." Her voice was light with humor and Olivia smiled widely as they turned to approach the man and his cart.

"Detective, long time, no see!" he said cheerily, his breath becoming clouds of fog in the chilly air. "What'll you have today?"

Olivia grinned warmly. "Two hot dogs, please. One with extra relish and one with ketchup. And she's paying today," she said, gesturing at Alex with a nod of her head.

The vendor handed both hot dogs to Olivia while Alex dug her wallet out and handed him his payment. With a wave, they turned to find a bench. Settling down, Olivia breathed a sigh of relief and hoped Alex wouldn't notice. As much as she hated to admit it, her knees really did ache and she was glad they had brought the cane. Alex sat close so that their thighs touched and Olivia handed Alex the hot dog. "Thanks, Alex. You can take me out anytime if you're going to pay."

Alex rolled her eyes in response and bit in to her snack, glad they had stopped as she really was hungry. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched Olivia nibble at her hot dog. Usually, the brunette could be trusted to wolf down her favorite snack, the enjoyment on her face almost inappropriate. Now, however, she took only small bites, chewing as if it was a chore. Alex worried that even this couldn't tempt Olivia, but was gratified when the brunette finally finished the entire thing. They stood and tossed the wrappers into the garbage, resuming their walk.

Alex planned to walk to the edge of the park and catch a cab to Rockefeller Center and said so to her girlfriend. Normally, Olivia would scoff at this and insist that they walk, but today the pain in her knees was clearly affecting her and she simply nodded in agreement. They continued their stroll, Alex slowing almost imperceptibly so as not to push Olivia. Though she refused to show it, Olivia was tiring and she was finding it difficult to maintain her pace. They walked slowly, listening to the infrequent calls of birds and the increasingly noisy sound of cars and people rushing along outside the park. Finally, they exited the park and Alex quickly hailed a cab.

Olivia led the way to her favorite vantage point overlooking the ice rink. Alex left her at the small table and went in search of hot chocolate to warm their hands. Olivia rested her cheek in her palm and subtly stretched her legs. Her knees were throbbing and she was glad that they were not planning to walk anymore. She watched the skaters, laughing quietly at the ones who edged gingerly along, clinging to the wall. Alex returned with two large cups in her hands and passed one to Olivia.

They sipped in silence for a while, both women intently watching the skaters and tourists photographing everything in sight. Olivia reached across the table and grasped one of Alex's chilly hands, holding it firmly. Alex loved watching Olivia when they visited the rink. She loved how she giggled at the beginners whose knees and ankles bent at strange angles as they fought to remain upright on the slick surface. And when a particularly skilled skater spun or jumped gracefully, she would turn to Alex and ask excitedly if she had seen the trick. Curiosity finally got the better of Alex and she leaned close to her girlfriend to speak over the din.

"What is it about this place, Olivia? Why come here so often?" she asked. Olivia looked at her briefly as she took a long sip of her cocoa. She turned back to continue watching the skaters as she began to speak.

"I used to come here with my mother, when I was a little girl. She began taking me here after we watched the winter Olympics one year. I was so excited about the figure skating. I watched the whole thing on the TV and I would wait through all of the other sports until the skating came on. I would practice jumping and spinning in the living room, trying to land gracefully like the skaters in the Olympics. It drove my mother crazy so she took me here. I wanted to skate but my mother wouldn't come with me and she wouldn't let me go on my own. She said that I might get hurt or somebody might take me away. So I never tried, but we came here every winter and drank cocoa and watched the skaters until the rink closed. I guess when I come back, it brings up memories of my mother. This was something nice that she always did for me, no matter what." Olivia trailed off and took another sip.

Alex squeezed Olivia's hand and smiled at her girlfriend. "That's a nice story, Olivia. But you're going to have to try sometime. I'll make sure of that." Olivia glanced at Alex, laughter in her eyes, and smiled.

"We'll see if you ever get me to put those things on and wobble around like that guy," she said jokingly, pointing to a man whose children were coaxing him to release his death grip on the wall. Alex followed her gesture and laughed as he flailed his arms wildly but managed to stay on his feet. The giggles of his children wafted faintly to their table and Alex drew Olivia's hand to her mouth, kissing the knuckles gently before resting her arm on the table again. They drifted again into comfortable silence interrupted only by Olivia's scoffs and gasps as she watched the antics on the ice below.

The sun had set by the time they arrived back at the apartment. Alex took Olivia's coat and hung it in the closet while Olivia hobbled to the living room. She sunk on to the sofa, letting the cane fall against the sofa's arm, and closed her eyes in relief. Alex followed her and leaned down to press her lips to Olivia's. "Are you ok, Liv?" she asked, concern washing over her as she took in the drawn look on her girlfriend's face.

Olivia took a moment to answer, inhaling deeply and sighing. "Yeah," she said. "I'm just a little tired, that's all. I may have overdone it a little." Alex frowned. If Olivia was willing to admit that she had exerted herself today, Alex worried that the pain might be much worse than she had feared. After all, this is a woman who would chase a perp through obstacle-filled alleyways, get cold-cocked for her efforts and still take him down and read him his rights. So she went to the kitchen and returned with one of Olivia's pain pills and a glass of water.

"Here, take this," she said, handing Olivia the pill and glass. Olivia quickly swallowed it and took a long drink of the water. This piqued Alex's concern even more. Olivia hated the pills, fought Alex when she tried to offer them, and accepted them only when the pain became unbearable. Alex crossed stand in front of her girlfriend. "Come on, darling, a hot bath will make you feel better."

Olivia took Alex's proffered hands and stood gingerly, grimacing as she did so. They walked slowly to the bathroom, Alex supporting some of Olivia's weight. Alex turned on the taps and stopped the drain. While the tub filled, Olivia undressed and accepted Alex's help to remove her shoes and jeans. Alex gasped when she saw Olivia's knees. They were red and swollen and painful to the touch as Olivia jerked and gritted her teeth when Alex laid her hand on one of them. Alex helped Olivia into the tub and eased her to lie back and let the warmth do its job. She pressed a quick kiss to Olivia's forehead and, promising to come right back, went back to the kitchen.

She quickly rifled through the collection of doctor's instructions and business cards until she found Dr. Messer's. He had given her his cell number as a special favor and had instructed her to call if anything was wrong. She dialed and paced around the kitchen table as it rang. Finally, he picked up.

"Dr. Messer, it's Alex Cabot, Olivia's girlfriend," she said rapidly, not pausing to give the doctor a chance for greetings. "We went for a walk today and now Olivia's knees are very swollen. She's in a lot of pain and I'm not sure what to do for her."

The doctor listened patiently while Alex spoke, eventually breaking in to reassure the blonde. "Alex, don't worry. She still has several fractures which are not healing quite properly. We put the pins in to avoid any permanent damage, but we're waiting for the bones to heal before we operate again. So some irritation is to be expected if she puts weight on them for too long. I want you to apply heat to the joints and then wrap them in elastic bandages. That will help with the swelling. And keep them elevated as much as possible. And Alex, please try to keep her off her feet."

Alex laughed in relief. "Easier said than done, Dr. Messer. Okay, thank you for your help. I'll do like you said. Good night."

The doctor said his goodbyes and Alex flipped her cell phone shut. She breathed a sigh of relief and rubbed her eyes. Tears of worry had stung them while she waited for the doctor to answer but she now composed herself and returned to keep Olivia company in the bathroom.

Alex read articles from the newspaper aloud while Olivia soaked in the tub, her eyes closed and her hands trailing lazy patterns through the water. After she had finished the World News section, Alex folded the paper and set it on the back of the toilet. "Let's go to bed, darling," she said, keeping her voice soft to avoid eliciting another grimace. She pulled the drain and helped Olivia stand and step out of the tub, supporting as much of Olivia's weight as she could. They walked to the bedroom and Alex tossed Olivia a set of flannel pants and a t-shirt. Alex quickly undressed herself and slid into a pair of cotton shorts and a comfortable shirt. She then knelt to help Olivia pull the pants on without bending her sore knees. Olivia laid down on the bed, not even bothering to pull the sheets over herself.

Alex sat on the edge of the bed and rooted through the nightstand drawer, finally locating two elastic bandages left over from when Olivia had sprained her ankle several months ago. "I talked to Dr. Messer while you were in the bathroom," she said. Olivia's eyes flew open, flashing in annoyance, and Alex pretended not to notice. "He said that we should wrap your knees to make the swelling go down."

"You called the doctor?" Olivia asked incredulously. "Don't you trust me, Alex?"

"I do trust you, except for when it comes to your health. I know you too well, Olivia. And you're clearly in pain. I just wanted to make sure that you weren't hurting yourself. Now, please, let me wrap your knees up and then we can go to bed."

Olivia looked at Alex, holding her gaze icily for a long moment before her expression softened. "Alright, Alex. I'm… I'm sorry, you did the right thing. I'm just tired."

Alex smiled at the brunette before rolling the pant leg up over Olivia's knee. With practiced movements – Alex had taped her fair share of sprains during high school – she wound the bandage around Olivia's knee, checking periodically to make sure it wasn't too tight. She rolled the pant leg back down and then repeated the process on Olivia's other leg. Finished, she climbed into bed beside Olivia, laying an arm protectively across her stomach. She scooted close, laying her head on the pillow, and pulled the covers over them both.

"I had a really nice time today, Olivia," she whispered. "And I really mean it when I say that we're going skating as soon as your knees are better."

Olivia laughed in a whisper and replied, "I know, Alex. I know."


	22. Chapter 22

Alex walked, a bounce in her step, to answer the knock on the apartment door. Swinging it open, she met Elliot's amused blue eyes with a wide grin. She beckoned for him to enter and he did so carefully, balancing a pizza box on one hand and hefting a six pack of Coke with the other. Exchanging cheerful greetings with Alex, he made a beeline for the living room where his partner waited. Alex followed, briefly stopping in the kitchen to grab plates and napkins. She knew her "boys" too well; if utensils weren't within reach, they were unlikely to use them.

Olivia rested on the sofa, her feet on an ottoman to ease the swelling in her knees. She slapped Elliot on the shoulder by way of greeting as he plopped onto the sofa and set his treasures on the coffee table. The brunette rolled her eyes and laughed at her partner's earnest hunt for the remote and Alex's heart warmed. She loved seeing Olivia and Elliot together. The two detectives had been partners and friends for years, even before Alex had met them. But after Olivia's kidnapping, their interactions had been stiff, Olivia uncomfortable that Elliot had seen her so helpless, Elliot unwilling to push her past it.

So Alex had suggested to Olivia that she invite Elliot over while the blonde spent an afternoon with her brother shopping for Christmas gifts. And, to her relief and delight, Olivia had agreed and reached for the phone. After all, it was basketball season and Olivia loved to shout at the television, as if the ref would amend his call at her vocal insistence. And Elliot was an avid supporter of her shouts and exaggerated gestures, backing her up with his own growls and exasperated slaps to his forehead. So he had come over, bearing their favorite junk food, for an afternoon of berating the Celtics and their infuriatingly incompetent defense.

Alex bent over the back of the sofa to kiss the brunette on the cheek. As she straightened and slung her coat over her arm, she grinned over her shoulder at the two friends. Olivia met her glance with amusement as Elliot cursed and dug the remote from Olivia's playful grasp. Alex laughed at their antics and, checking her watch, waved goodbye with more enthusiasm than she felt. She shut the door quietly behind her and leaned against the bland wall. Whenever she left Olivia alone, a nervous tingle nagged at her. But she checked that her cell phone was on, reminded herself that Olivia was a cop, for God's sake, and walked away. Her brother was waiting impatiently to get the chore of Christmas shopping over with.

Juggling bags looped over her wrists, Alex carefully eased her keys out of her purse and fairly burst into the apartment. She sighed with relief as she finally dumped her purchases on the kitchen table, but her soft groan went unnoticed by the two crowing detectives. Alex peeked around the doorjamb, her entrance still overlooked, as Elliot dropped to his knees on the carpet, beseeching the Celtic's for just one more basket. Olivia mimicked his actions as best she could with her aching knees and pounded her fist against the sofa cushion in exasperation. Both of them flopped back exhaustedly onto the sofa, nursing their mutual sports-induced wounds in silence as a commercial cut into the action.

Alex cleared her throat and Olivia jumped, slopping a generous amount of Coke onto her t-shirt as she choked in surprise. Alex laughed and handed Olivia a stack of paper napkins before the sofa got stained. "Having a good time?" she quipped as Olivia dabbed at her shirt with irritation.

"Well we would be if these bozos could keep their hands on the ball," Elliot groaned exaggeratedly, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Olivia commiserated even as she turned to look up at her blonde girlfriend and silently asked with wide, amused eyes for a kiss to make up for her team's lack of skill. Alex met Olivia's begging look with an air of a put-upon woman and acceded, bending down and kissing her girlfriend with laughter in her eyes.

"Well, I guess I'll let you two finish your game, then. I'm just going to hop into the shower. Try not to irritate the neighbors while I'm here. And you," she said, pointedly staring at Olivia's innocent face. "Keep your nosy hands out of my bags." She turned and walked to the bedroom, ignoring Olivia's pout as she closed the door behind her.

As she stripped off her grimy clothes to the din of Olivia's and Elliot's moans of frustration, Alex let lazy satisfaction wash over her. It was a feeling she had not experienced in too long. She felt almost normal. So many Saturday afternoons had passed exactly like this one. Olivia would invite Elliot over for a session of rowdy armchair-quarterbacking or exchanging enthusiastic high-fives as the Redwings finally scored a needed goal. They would relax and stuff themselves with the types of snacks Alex only touched after a five mile run. And, rather than be tempted by greasy pizza or lose her hearing to excessive cheering, Alex would excuse herself. She would beg off, citing some friend or relative as inviting her to a lunch she had put off for too long or make some other equally transparent excuse. Olivia would wave her off, a grin playing on her lips, as Alex slipped discreetly from the apartment, always before Elliot managed to turn up the volume.

By the time Alex had shut the hot water off and wrapped her body in a large, warm towel, the apartment was once more reasonably quiet and calm. She languorously dried herself and dressed in a pair of jeans and a red, cable-knit sweater. As she pulled fresh socks from her drawer, she surreptitiously pushed aside a rarely worn pair of white cotton socks. With relief and delight, she tucked the tiny black box she found deeper into the drawer. It wouldn't do if Olivia were to inadvertently see her Christmas present before the big day.

Brushing her hair with her fingers, Alex returned to the living room and was grateful for the muted television. Elliot and Olivia were detailing a blow-by-blow of the game, gesturing animatedly and mimicking the obnoxious ref's supposedly bad calls. Alex sank into an armchair and, feeling as if she deserved a reward for a long day of shopping, she helped herself to a slice of pizza. Savoring the treat in silence, she watched the two friends interact as she had so many times before. Best of all, she noticed a plate at Olivia's elbow, clearly used but free of leftovers. Alex grinned to herself. She knew how the brunette could never willingly let Elliot do anything she couldn't. So she had eaten and eaten well if Alex could judge from the meager remains of their pizza.

Finally they wrapped up their exhaustive recap and Elliot stood to gingerly stretch his back. Rubbing his stomach and looking ruefully at the television, Elliot excused himself. "Well, Liv, I guess I should head home. Kathy's got something planned and I need time for a shower to wash that awful game from my eyes. I'll see you later, then. I'll let myself out, Alex." He nodded goodbye to each woman and headed to the door.

As the door clicked shut behind him, Alex moved from her armchair to take Elliot's place by Olivia on the sofa. She groaned in satisfaction, finishing her slice and hefting her tired feet to rest on the coffee table. "You know, Liv, you still need to do your Christmas shopping," Alex drawled, lazily stretching one arm over the brunette's shoulders. "And no gift certificates this year, sweetie. You know I love Starbucks but really, Olivia."

"Alright, Alex," Olivia sighed. "I guess I do have some extra free time this year. But how do you know I don't already have your present?" She leaned into Alex's body, resting her head tenderly on the blonde's shoulder and breathing in the sweet scent of her freshly washed hair. Alex wrapped her free arm around her girlfriend's waist and bent to brush her cheek across the crown of Olivia's head.

"Liv," she started, softly. "I was talking to my brother." Olivia responded wordlessly, simply humming low in her throat. "You know, we've never spent Christmas with my family and my brother says that my mother is absolutely demanding that I show up this year." Olivia squirmed in Alex's embrace until she could look up at Alex. "They always have the holidays on Martha's Vineyard and I was thinking that maybe getting out of New York for a while might be nice."

Alex trailed off, waiting with some anxiety for Olivia's response. Olivia knew about Alex's frustrating relationship with her mother, understood how she felt about Alex's so-called "lifestyle choices." After a moment, Olivia settled back easily into Alex's arms. "Of course, Alex. I would love to spend Christmas with your family if that's what you want to do. And maybe a change of scenery would be nice. As long as we don't have to stay with your parents, that is."

Alex choked with unexpected laughter. "Oh no, I have my own place, Liv. Dear lord, staying with my parents would be a nightmare. Anyway, my dad is apparently very excited to meet you though my mother hasn't said a word about it. But my cabin is great and I haven't really been there in a while." Once again, Alex's voice trailed into a soft murmur before she fell silent. Olivia rested her hands on top of the blonde's, gently pulling Alex's arms more securely around her body.

"It'll be great, Alex," Olivia reassured her girlfriend, her voice warm and low and comforting. "Really."


	23. Chapter 23

Alex put her car into park and flicked off the engine with a sigh. Traveling in New England during the holiday season was always frustrating and looking forward to an uncertain reception didn't make it any easier. Since she had come out to her parents just after graduating from college, Alex's mother had refused to mention or even acknowledge her daughter's sexuality. Instead, Alex had suffered through a series of infuriating dates with the sons of her mother's friends until she had finally put a forceful end to the unwanted parade of young men. After her ultimatum, Alex had refused to introduce any of her girlfriends to her family, unwilling to spark yet another heartbreaking argument. Until now, she mused.

Swinging open the door, Alex climbed out of the car and popped the trunk. She pulled their bags out and set them on the drive as Olivia emerged from the passenger side, stretching her stiff knees. Ever since their expedition to the ice rink, Olivia's knees had pained her. By the end of the day, she wanted nothing more than to rest on the sofa with a heating pad and her feet propped up on an ottoman. Alex would bring her aspirin and wrap her legs in supportive bandages, but Olivia struggled with the intense feeling of uselessness as Alex cared for her. Just after coming home from the hospital, Olivia had swallowed her pride and submitted to Alex's ministrations. She had even taken much needed comfort in Alex's tenderness and steady concern. But, since her casts had come off, Olivia was disappointed in her own slow recovery. She hated the feeling of being a burden to Alex, of being forced to play the role of invalid by her own treacherous body. Olivia wanted to walk, she wanted to run. But for now, she ignored her damaged pride and hobbled along with the help of her cane.

Olivia accepted the handle of a wheeled suitcase offered by her girlfriend and followed Alex up the narrow front walkway. Alex's cottage was sweetly painted light blue with crisp white shutters standing out brightly in the rapidly setting sun. A thicket of bare-branched trees rattled coldly in the chilly ocean breeze and Olivia shivered, eager to settle into the warmth of Alex's home. After some difficulty, Alex located the correct key and unlocked the dark blue door. With her free hand, she flipped the light switch and stood aside to invite Olivia to enter.

Alex shut the door behind them, closing out the damp cold of New England's winter, as Olivia tamped the snow from her shoes carefully. The cottage was tastefully decorated in warm browns, creams and blues. Woolen rugs covered the wooden floors and warm-looking quilts were neatly folded over the arms of an antique quilt rack. Olivia toed off her shoes and followed as Alex dragged their suitcases down a short hall to the master bedroom. Alex hefted a suitcase to the top of a bureau in the closet and knelt to unzip the other. Grinning up at Olivia who still stood leaning in the doorway, Alex pulled out two pairs of navy blue fleece-lined slippers and waggled them playfully at her girlfriend. Rising, she snickered at Olivia's amused expression. "Early Christmas present, darling," she laughed as she took Olivia's hand and led her back to the living room.

Guiding Olivia to the sofa, Alex settled playfully on her knees in front of her girlfriend. Licking her pale lips, Alex slid her hands up and down one of Olivia's thin calves before ever so slowly easing on the first slipper and pressing her lips to Olivia's navy-clothed toes. Evading Olivia's amused and exasperated huff, Alex repeated the process on the brunette's other foot, letting her touch linger against Olivia's warm skin. Finally, she rose and leaned to tenderly kiss her girlfriend. "Welcome to Martha's Vineyard, Liv," she murmured, her lips brushing against Olivia's.

Slipping lithely out of Olivia's reach, Alex swayed her hips provocatively and laughed over her shoulder as she walked to the cold fireplace. With expert motions, Alex perched on the hearth and carefully held a long match to the tinder under the wood already stacked neatly in the fireplace. Once satisfied that the fire had caught, Alex stretched and rose slowly to her feet to join Olivia on the sofa. Snuggling close and wrapping a blue quilt securely around them both, Alex relaxed in Olivia's embrace to enjoy the flickering warmth of the fire.

A knock at the door in a friendly, familiar cadence stirred them from their quiet enjoyment. Ruefully, Alex extracted herself from their cocoon to answer the door. As she wrapped the quilt more tightly around her body, Olivia groaned and asked, "Who's there, Alex?"

Alex strode down the hall with a grin, tossing her answer over her shoulder. "It's my brother, Aaron, and his family. He told me that he'd come over with dinner tonight." She swung the heavy wooden door open and was met with enthusiastic hugs and yelps of excitement from two children still bundled tightly in winter gear. Hefting one child into her arms, Alex met her brother and his wife with warmth and enthusiasm. They pulled their boots and coats off before bending to unwrap their two children, all the while exchanging animated greetings with Alex.

Aaron, seeing Olivia rising from her seat on the sofa, waved her back down. "Don't get up, Olivia. We'll just get out of these coats and be there in a second." Olivia settled back into her place, grateful to remain where she was seated, but smoothed her wrinkled shirt and ran a nervous hand through her short hair. Though Alex was close to her only sibling, he and Olivia had never been introduced.

True to his word, Aaron ushered his family into the living room, his arms loaded with casserole dishes and Tupperware containers. With Alex's assistance, he unloaded his burdens onto the small dinette before extending a friendly hand to Olivia. As Alex moved about the kitchen, putting a kettle of water onto the stove for tea and hot chocolate, she discreetly monitored the goings on in the living room. Olivia returned Aaron's warm smile and grasped his hand firmly as he gestured in introduction to the members of his family. "This is my wife, Nicole," he said with a nod to the petite blonde woman perched on the hearth, warming herself by the roaring fire. "And these are our children, Andrea and Henry." He smiled down at each child in turn, placing a gentle hand on their shoulders to urge them to shake hands.

Olivia leaned conspiratorially close to the children, smiling in the way Alex had seen her do so many times in the past. "My name is Olivia. How old are you?" she murmured.

Andrea returned her smile brightly and eagerly answered, "I'm seven. And Henry's four. He's shy." Olivia chuckled quietly and nodded her agreement.

"I can see that," she said, patting the cushion beside her. Andrea happily clambered up and wormed her way under the quilt with Olivia. The brunette turned to look at Andrea who had drawn the edge of the quilt up to tuck under her chin. "Do you think that Henry would like to sit here with you and me?" Olivia spoke directly to Andrea but loudly and clearly enough that Henry, still peeking out from behind his father's protective leg, could hear. Andrea nodded, her blue eyes sharing the joke, and giggled.

With childish gestures, Andrea encouraged Henry to get under the quilt. And soon, unable to resist his curiosity, Henry crept forward and snuck onto the sofa. Olivia winked at Aaron and pointedly ignored Henry's movements until he was tucked securely next to his sister. As Aaron reclined in a stately wooden rocker, Alex returned bearing a tray with steaming mugs of tea and chocolate with marshmallows. She passed one to each member of her family and they soon were engrossed in conversation, laughing and talking while the children gave themselves chocolate moustaches and wriggled competitively to sit closer to Olivia.


	24. Chapter 24

Cold sunlight streamed in through the bedroom's sheer curtains but Alex had already risen. She stood in front of the full length mirror, still in her pajamas. Her thumbs caressed her own knuckles as if they moved of their own volition and she smiled at her own reflection, features thrown into sharp contrast by sunbeams reflected by the fresh snow outside the window. A thrill of anticipation made her shiver with delight. Not even the looming evening with her mother could cast a shadow on this day. Nothing could spoil Alex's cheer on this perfect winter day.

Moving silently while Olivia slept curled against the empty space where the blonde had cuddled her, Alex dressed in a pair of grey woolen slacks and a black cashmere sweater. Furtively, Alex dug a tiny box from its hiding place deep in the bureau drawer and flicked it open. She admired its contents for a long moment, a grin playing across her pale features, before she tucked it into her pocket. It had been hidden for so long but after today, she would never hide it again.

Composing herself, she padded into the kitchen as she reviewed her plans for their day. First of all, the cottage seemed a fraction cheerless without a Christmas tree to liven it up. Alex tried to remember the last Christmas she had found the time to purchase a tree, but only recalled dim memories. Certainly she could not remember when she last decorated a tree. But she was ready for a change. She was, in fact, ready for a big change, she mused to herself as she reached into the freezer to select her favorite coffee beans.

While the coffee dribbled and burped merrily into the pot, Alex cracked eggs into a sizzling skillet and popped sliced bread into the toaster. Alex knew that she was no chef. But eggs were her specialty, meager though her skills were in other culinary arts. The heady aroma of coffee gradually filled the tiny cottage, energizing the blonde so that she practically danced through her breakfast preparations. Cracking pepper over the eggs and attractively arranging the toast on their plates, Alex set their meal onto a tray. She poured the coffee and, mugs in hand, walked back to the bedroom to rouse her girlfriend.

Nudging the door open with her elbow, Alex grinned in delight. Olivia's profile was visible through the open bathroom door as she splashed water on her face. Alex leaned into the bathroom as Olivia straightened and caught sight of the blonde. Playfully, Alex withheld the steaming coffee and offered her lips instead. If Olivia wanted her coffee, Alex wanted her to work for it. Olivia eagerly complied and ran her hands over Alex's shoulders as she kissed the blonde. Lips still tenderly touching, Olivia's hand snaked down the length of Alex's arm and over her wrist. Carefully, Olivia coaxed the mug from Alex's grasp before breaking their kiss and smirking with amusement.

Olivia sipped from her mug, sighing with exaggerated pleasure as Alex wrapped an arm around Olivia's waist. Holding the brunette close, Alex guided Olivia back towards the tousled bed. Wordlessly, she took Olivia's coffee and set both mugs on the bedside table and, a predatory look in her eye, eased the brunette sensually back onto the pillows. Alex leaned down until her lips hovered just above Olivia's and stared directly into her girlfriend's brown eyes. She held her pose for a moment, seeming to hardly even breathe. Olivia broke the stillness, moving as if to kiss her girlfriend, but Alex pulled away before they actually touched. With a note of desire deepening her voice, Alex murmured, "Wait here." Olivia sank back, obeying the commanding blonde and watching with relish as Alex left the bedroom.

Before Olivia could even shift into a more comfortable position, however, Alex reappeared. The predatory look was gone, replaced by a bright smile and a tray balanced in delicate hands. Olivia laughed out loud at Alex's cheery appearance. The still-grinning blonde set the tray carefully on the comforter before sliding her feet cozily beneath the sheets and settling close to her lover. Handing Olivia a plate, Alex dug into her breakfast. For the first time in many weeks, Alex was pleasurably ravenous and she intended to take full advantage.

Alex slipped her arm into Olivia's as their leisurely steps crunched through the too white snow. On either side of the strolling women, ruddy green pines and smoky spruces were stacked, their rank and file arrangement brightened by red ribbons and gaudy lights strung overhead. Olivia studied the cheerful foliage intently. Lovingly familiar with Olivia's soft-heartedness toward misfits and hard luck cases, Alex had teasingly pleaded her case for the perfect tree. And Olivia, laughing at Alex's intimate knowledge of her character, intended to please.

They paused intermittently, at Olivia's direction, to run their hands over smooth needles and inhale the fresh, forest scent of particularly attractive specimens. But they always moved on once Olivia located the inevitable flaw. Alex relished the contact with her girlfriend's warm body, holding the brunette's form close to her own as they walked in step. Alex was content to stay here all day if Olivia wished, walking among the sparse crowd of browsers and listening to the delighted squeals of children selecting a tree for Santa Claus to visit.

Alex had been quietly saddened to find that Olivia had never had a proper Christmas tree. Her mother, Olivia had said, had a debilitating allergy to spruces and had declared that fabric trees made a mockery of the tradition. Thus, though Olivia was allowed to hang a stocking, a decorated tree had never brightened her childhood holiday. And, after joining the department, Olivia had lacked the energy to purchase one for herself. Besides, Olivia mused, without anyone to enjoy it, a tree was only a cost and a hassle. Armed with this knowledge, Alex had insisted that Olivia select the tree for the cottage herself.

Finally, Olivia stopped in front of a compact blue spruce. The tree stood about five feet tall and its branches were springy and thickly needled. The brunette stepped away from Alex and, limping with her cane, inspected the tree with a now experienced eye. After a long pause, Olivia turned to Alex. "This is the one, Alex," she said, her voice serious though a smile softened her expression.

Alex laid a hand on one of the branches, smoothing the stubby needles with gloved fingers. Releasing the branch, Alex tugged her gloves from her hands and folded them into her coat pocket. She tenderly touched Olivia's shoulder and the brunette turned so that they were face to face. Steadily looking at Olivia, Alex raised her hands until they ruffled through Olivia's dark hair and she caressed the brunette's cheekbones with slender thumbs. Olivia parted her lips to speak, a question lighting her dark eyes, but Alex spoke first.

"Olivia," she murmured, "I've been around long enough to recognize love. On our first date, I knew that we could make something special together. I just didn't understand how special. I didn't predict that I would ever learn to feel this way. It hasn't been easy, Olivia." Alex's voice cracked gently and she paused to breathe and compose herself.

Alex used her pause to reach into her pocket and withdraw the small box hidden there. Olivia's face flushed, her cheeks reddening sweetly as she searched Alex's softly smiling expression and earnest blue eyes. Smile widening as the uncertainty in Olivia's eyes melted into love and overwhelming emotion, Alex took her girlfriend's trembling hand in her own and pressed the box into her palm. With slow movements, Olivia opened it. Tears welled in her brown eyes as she took in the sight of the ring hidden inside.

Alex watched the play of emotions across Olivia's face, imprinting each subtle shift in her memory. Olivia's gaze flicked up to meet Alex's and she took a shaky breath. "Alex, no," she whispered unsteadily. "You don't want … I'm…" She trailed into silence as her eyes fluttered closed and she inhaled raggedly.

Her own hands trembling with surging emotion, Alex tightened her grasp on Olivia's shaking hand. She took a small step closer to the brunette and took the box from Olivia's hand. Taking the ring from its velvet case, she slipped the box back into her pocket. Moving slowly, Alex bent her head and pressed her lips tenderly to Olivia's. Drawing back, she crooked a finger under Olivia's chin and coaxed her girlfriend to tilt her head back.

Whispering, Alex spoke so that only Olivia could hear. "Darling, look at me." Olivia complied, her eyes heartbreakingly sad. "Olivia, I know what I want. And it's you. I love you, not your scars, not your body. You. Will you be my partner, Olivia?" The brunette's breath came sharply as she reigned in a threatening sob.

Olivia stood in Alex's embrace for a moment that seemed like ten, inhaling deep and fortifying breaths of the crisp, chilly air. Finally, her free hand wound a path up to rest at the crook of Alex's neck. With a small but decided nod, she breathed, "Yes, Alex." The ring still grasped in her pale hand, Alex embraced Olivia tightly, pressing their bodies together as joy washed over her. Ignoring the few shoppers who paused to peek at the two women, Alex kissed her girlfriend with intense passion. Eyes closed, Olivia responded with equal emotion, holding Alex securely and deepening the kiss.

Gasping for breath, Alex broke the kiss and tugged the glove gently from Olivia's left hand. With tenderness and focus, Alex slipped the ring smoothly onto Olivia's finger before enfolding the brunette's hand in both of her own. She lifted Olivia's hand to her lips and pressed warm kisses to her knuckles before once again gathering Olivia into her arms. Head resting on Alex's shoulder, Olivia brushed her lips against the blonde's ear. "I love you, Alex," she whispered.

"I love you, Liv," Alex responded and buried her nose in the warm, sweet scent of Olivia's short hair. "I love you."

Once more, Alex built a roaring fire in the fireplace after the two women had wrestled the tree to its resting place in the corner of the cozy living room. While Olivia rustled in the kitchen, stirring up cups of hot chocolate to warm their cold fingers, Alex dug deeply into a closet. She would swear that she had a box of decorations buried somewhere and she was determined to find it. At last, after sneezing in the cloud of dust she had kicked up, Alex straightened triumphantly, a worn cardboard box clutched in grimy hands. She carted the box to the living room, depositing it victoriously before returning to the kitchen to wash her hands and receive a congratulatory kiss from her girlfriend. Her fiancé, Alex corrected herself with a tingle of pleasure.

The two women settled onto comfortable perches near the bare tree to begin decorating. Olivia sipped from her steaming mug as Alex gingerly pulled tissue-wrapped items from the box and set them on the rug at her feet. From the bottom of the box, she withdrew a thick coil of green-wired lights and gave Olivia a hopeful look.

Olivia laughed and waved her hand derisively. "No way, Alex. I'm no electrician. Besides, of the two of us, you're the expert. I'm sure you'll do just fine." Alex pressed her lips together in mock irritation and began to untangle the long strands, impressing Olivia with her uncharacteristically foul language. As the blonde struggled and cursed, Olivia set her mug aside and began to carefully unwrap the items Alex had arranged on the floor.

Retrieving the first item from its wrapping, Olivia held up a tiny elephant dressed only in a pink tutu and wryly crooked an eyebrow. Alex smiled brightly and laughed. "Aaron gave that to me after my parents forced him to sit through my first dance recital. I cried for hours but now that one is a running joke in my family. I think it is why I became a lawyer instead of a ballet dancer."

Olivia chuckled as she laid the delicate ornament gently onto the hearth and moved on to the next treasure. Alex had many traditional ornaments: toy drums, nutcrackers, angels, and the like. But, as Olivia unwrapped others, she could not resist coaxing stories out of her partner. Alex alternately laughed her way through childhood anecdotes and rolled her eyes at the seemingly greater mess she was making of the lights bunched in her hands.

Finally, Alex clapped her hands in relief and pleasure as the lights rested in orderly coils on her knees. With expert, though rusty, movements, Alex wrapped the lights artfully around the tree, tucking wires behind thickly needled branches so that only the lights were visible. At last, making a final turn around the base of the tree, Alex collapsed with exaggerated exhaustion and propped her feet up lazily on the coffee table. "Alright, Liv, the ornaments are yours," she sighed, smilingly.

Olivia threw her a mock salute, a ray of sunlight glinting off the ring now gracing her hand, and set herself to the task. Once the ornaments had been hung to Olivia's exact specifications, the brunette moved to have a seat next to her girlfriend. Before she could do so, however, Alex leapt up and dug once more through the nearly empty box. With a wide smile, she withdrew a final bundle of tissue. Tossing the wrapping aside, Alex handed Olivia a small angel with brown yarn curls and a dress made of white eyelet lace. Olivia returned her smile and gingerly set the angel atop the beautiful tree, adjusting the ornament so that she stood tall and secure. As she took a step back to admire their handiwork, Alex plugged in the lights and moved to stand behind Olivia. The blonde wrapped her arms around Olivia's waist and held her tightly while they both looked at their first Christmas tree. Alex leaned to kiss Olivia's temple lovingly and whispered, "Merry Christmas, Olivia."


	25. Chapter 25

Olivia sat on the sofa, legs crossed at the knee, foot tapping impatiently. She ran a cautious hand through her short hair, hoping that no odd tufts were sticking out of place, and tugged at the hem of her blouse to keep it from wrinkling too much. She took a deep breath and twisted her ring anxiously around her finger, an action that was already becoming an unconscious habit. Finally, unable to remain still any longer, Olivia rose and went to check on Alex's progress.

As she leaned on the door jamb and looked into the tiny bathroom, Olivia grinned with genuine pleasure and a hint of apprehension. Alex looked as beautiful as always, her long hair softly curling on her shoulders, her crimson blouse setting off the blonde strands. Shaking hands nervously inspecting perceived imperfections in her make-up, however, gave away the normally confidant lawyer's nerves. Olivia leaned in to brush Alex's fingertips with her own, stilling the blonde's anxiously flitting hands.

"You look beautiful, Alex," Olivia murmured as Alex huffed in a strained voice and leaned back toward the mirror. Olivia laughed lightly. "Darling, I think I'm the one that is supposed to be nervous here. Besides, Aaron will be there and grandkids always make great distractions."

Alex let her hands drop to smooth over her black skirt as she gathered herself. Inhaling deeply and slowly, she turned to face Olivia, her face calm but the corners of her mouth tense. "Alright, let's get this over with," she sighed. Olivia smiled widely and squeezed her partner's hand reassuringly.

Alex had barely tapped on the front door with one gloved hand before it was yanked enthusiastically open. Before she even had a chance to take a step or form a word of greeting, two small figures dressed in green collided with the tall blonde. Alex bent to tousle their hair and straightened, hefting Henry in her arms, as Aaron beckoned for the two women to enter. "Hi Andrea," Alex grinned as the young girl dragged her into the foyer. "Just let me take my shoes off and then I'll be ready!" Alex laughed and turned to wink at Olivia who chuckled and waved at Henry, staring shyly over his aunt's shoulder.

As Alex was led off by her young niece, Aaron greeted Olivia with a firm handshake that unexpectedly transformed into a warm hug. The sudden and intimate contact initially made Olivia's mind freeze in terror and she desperately fought her powerful urge to flinch away. Through sheer force of will, she remained calm and even managed to return Aaron's greeting. If he noticed the brunette's hesitation and lukewarm response, Aaron did not show it as he grinningly waited for her to pull off her winter gear. Once her coat was neatly stowed in the hall closet, Aaron leaned in conspiratorially.

"My parents are talking to Nicole in the living room. Let's go to the kitchen for a drink and wait for Alex to talk her way out of Andrea's room before we get this party started, shall we?" he murmured, a mischievous glint in his blue eyes. Olivia nodded in heartfelt agreement and followed his lead, proceeding down a smartly decorated hall deeper into the cottage.

As they entered the kitchen, however, the soft rap of Olivia's cane on the hall rug grew sharper on the tiled floor of the kitchen. A sudden voice calling enthusiastically from another room startled them both and Aaron laughed out loud, his voice pleasant and filled with good humor. "I guess we're busted, Olivia," he chuckled before calling back. "We're in here, Dad."

A handsomely dressed man with elegantly combed silver hair appeared in the doorway. As he laid eyes on Olivia, who was smiling a little sheepishly, his face brightened with a welcoming grin. "You must be Olivia," he said, his voice deep and fatherly. "You can call me Paul. I'm so glad to finally meet you. I've been trying to convince Alex to bring you for a visit ever since she accidentally mentioned you. It's nice to finally put a face with the name."

As he spoke, he strode towards the brunette and clasped her free hand in both of his own large ones. Finally pausing for breath, Alex's father took a moment to look his daughter's girlfriend up and down. Noticing her cane, he quickly turned and motioned toward the living room. "Please, Olivia, come and have a seat and meet my wife. I don't mean to keep you standing here all night."

Olivia smiled a little shyly but followed his gesture and entered the living room. It was subtly decorated in cream and maroon, perfectly capturing a cozy, cabin-like feel. In the corner was a tall pine, its limbs weighted down by an eclectic collection of ornaments and brightly colored lights. Olivia hardly had a chance to take in the décor, however, before her eyes fell on a handsome woman seated in an armchair close to a softly crackling fire.

Paul placed a warm hand on her shoulder and urged her forward toward the sofa. Aware of the woman's steady gaze upon her, Olivia sank onto the couch and was rapidly joined by Alex's father. Aaron leaned over the back of the sofa bearing a tray of wine glasses. Olivia accepted one gratefully as Paul grinned at his wife.

"Nancy," he boomed. "Look who I found in the kitchen. This is Alex's Olivia." He turned to Olivia and smiled widely. "Olivia, meet my wife, Nancy. I'm sure she's as glad to meet you as I am."

"Yes, of course," Nancy replied, politely but with a touch of coolness in her voice.

"Nice to meet you," Olivia responded before taking a long, slow sip of her wine. She genuinely liked Paul but she secretly wished Alex would return soon.

As if Olivia's wish came true, Alex's form soon appeared silhouetted against the dancing firelight. With a nearly imperceptibly uncertain glance at her mother, Alex smiled at her girlfriend. "I see you've all met Olivia," she said, crossing to join Olivia and her father on the wide sofa. Leaning to kiss her father on his cheek, Alex sat between them. "I hope you haven't already put her through the wringer, Dad."

Her father guffawed. "Alex, you know I would never do such a thing. Your mother, on the other hand, tends to be a little less trustworthy in this regard."

Nancy sighed with irritation and, in lieu of giving her husband any more satisfaction, rose to go to the kitchen to join Aaron and Nicole.

Ignoring his wife's huffy exit, Paul turned his attention back to his daughter and her girlfriend and began to ply them with rapid questions. Relaxing in the warm beam of her father's attention, Alex reached to grasp Olivia's hand encouragingly as the two women settled into conversation.

Dinner was an alternately pleasant and tense affair. Aaron and Paul kept the conversation flowing, despite occasional sharp questions or comments from Alex's mother. Olivia held her own until, during a quiet moment, Nancy's clear voice broke the silence.

"So Olivia, when Alex called to tell us that you two were coming for Christmas, she never mentioned your cane," she said, her blue eyes piercingly direct and so much like her daughter's. Olivia nearly choked on the bite of apple pie she had just eaten and dabbed at her lips with her napkin in an effort to regain her composure before answering.

Before she could do so, Alex set her coffee down on the table with a hint of violence and exasperation. "Mother," she scolded, her calm façade finally beginning to crack. "You have not said a kind thing to Olivia the entire meal. You insisted that I come here for Christmas and …" A gentle touch on her shoulder made Alex choke off her statement, though her icy eyes still flashed dangerously.

"Alex, it's alright," Olivia murmured, turning to glance at her girlfriend with a small smile. "Nancy," Olivia began. "I'm a cop and I was attacked by a man I was chasing. He got me in the knee with a baseball bat and I'm waiting for it to heal before I can have an operation." She spoke serenely, fixing Alex's combative mother with a steadily calm gaze as she explained her injury.

Alex's tense posture relaxed as Olivia handled her mother's rudeness with poise and directness. The blonde couldn't help an inward giggle as she thought of Olivia's vast experience in the precinct interrogation room. The image of Detective Benson playing good cop with her mother was amusing enough to sooth Alex's irritated pride. And the brunette's quick thinking was relieving. Alex had been dreading her parent's questions about Olivia's injuries. After all, they were not easily hidden or truthfully explained. It was better to sate her mother's curiosity with a white lie than to leave the topic open for more discussion. Alex rested her hand on Olivia's thigh, tenderly caressing her knee under the tablecloth.

After dinner, Andrea and Henry finally managed to wheedle Olivia away from the table and soon the brunette had been spirited away down the hall to their room. Alex stood to begin clearing the table, stacking plates and utensils neatly before carrying them to the kitchen. Paul crooked one arm over the shoulders of both his son and his daughter-in-law and walked them back to the living room. They had already prepared a wonderful meal, he insisted, and they needed to let someone else take care of the clean-up.

As Alex stood at the sink, rinsing the plates one by one, her mother wrapped leftovers and fit them neatly into the refrigerator. The women worked in silence for a few minutes, lost in their own thoughts, before Nancy finally broke the silence.

"Alex," she said. "I saw the ring. Are you sure about this?"

Dropping a plate into the dish drain, Alex whirled to face her mother. "Mom, please don't. I just want to enjoy the holidays for a change. I don't want to get into a fight." Her voice was tired and exasperated and she turned back to the sink, hoping that her mother would drop the subject.

"Alex, I don't think she's right for you. I mean, she has a very dangerous job and…"

Unable to restrain herself any longer, Alex threw the sponge back into the soapy water. "Mom, just say what you really mean. You've never been happy about me dating women and you're just looking for a reason to criticize Olivia. I saw the way you looked at her when you asked about the cane. If you want to know something, just come out and say it. I'm a grown woman. Let's stop playing games."

Nancy paused only to blink before responding, her anger beginning to show clearly on her face. "Alex, I think you gave her that ring out of pity. You have a bright future and you're choosing to drive it into the dirt by tying yourself to an invalid. And a woman, no less. Have you considered how this will affect your future?"

Alex's mother snapped her mouth shut violently. The two women stared at each other, matching fury and fire in their expressions, as the kitchen clock's second hand echoed loudly in the deathly quiet kitchen. Finally, grinding her teeth in order to keep her voice under control, Alex hissed at her mother. "I've had that ring for months, Mom. Olivia got attacked and my priorities changed but my intentions never did. I know what I'm doing and I love her. I gave her the ring and she said yes. I wish you would accept it but, if you can't, it is your loss." Turning back to the sink, Alex yanked the plug from the drain and dried her hands furiously on a dishtowel, taking deep breaths in an effort to calm down before she left the room.

Cementing a calm façade firmly in place, Alex strode past her mother without a second glance and walked down the hall to find Olivia. More than anything, Alex simply wanted to return to her own cabin, lock the door, and relax in Olivia's arms in peace.

Reaching the children's room, Alex's mood instantly improved a fraction. Olivia was perched awkwardly on a chair that was far too small for an adult woman as Andrea and Henry regaled her with a droll play featuring their favorite stuffed animals. Fixing a bright, calm smile on her face, Alex entered the small room and greeted her niece and nephew. "Hi, kids. Olivia and I have to go home now so we can go to bed and wait for Santa. It's getting late and I think you two might want to hurry to bed too before Santa tries to come!"

The two children, pouting as they realized Aunt Alex was about to take their playmate away, brightened at the mention of Santa. With quick hugs for Olivia and Alex, Andrea rushed excitedly down the hall to find their mother with Henry in close pursuit. Smile fading, Alex's expression took on a note of sad tenderness. She crossed the room and extended her hands to help Olivia stand from her awkward, crouched position.

As she stood, Olivia groaned softly in relief. "Thank you, Alex," she murmured. "If you didn't come soon, I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to get out of that chair." Alex grinned with more feeling and wrapped one arm around Olivia's waist. She leaned in to nuzzle her nose against Olivia's cheek briefly before speaking.

"I'm not sure how much more of my mother's accusations I can take. Let's get out of here and go home for some more relaxing activities," Alex whispered, suggestively emphasizing her words to convey exactly the type of relaxation she had in mind. Firming her grip on the brunette, Alex guided her back down the hall.

The women stopped in the living room to say their good nights and thank you's to their hosts and to Alex's father, all of whom protested their early departure but escorted them warmly towards the foyer. A quick glance and Olivia noted that Alex's mother was not among the crowd of well wishers and her heart fell a fraction. She had hoped that this evening would go smoothly but Alex's stiff smiles and Nancy's conspicuous absence told a different story. She would have to make it up to Alex, Olivia thought to herself. It had been too long since she had made love to her girlfriend and she felt that Alex deserved a little attention after such a stressful night. Olivia grinned to herself as she bundled her coat tightly. Perhaps coming to Alex's cabin for the holidays wouldn't be a trip the blonde regretted after all.

Alex felt nothing but relief and exhaustion as she shut the cabin door behind Olivia and flipped the lock. She leaned against the closed door and simply watched, tiredness lining her pale face, as Olivia stamped the snow off her boots and shrugged out of her coat. Alex closed her eyes for a moment. Now she remembered why she didn't come up here for the holidays. She could never quite understand how she managed to spend day after day in court, facing down rapists and murderers but a few hours with her mother could exhaust her.

Warm hands cupping her cheeks startled Alex from her brief reverie. Olivia looked up at Alex tenderly, running her thumbs gently over her girlfriend's chilly cheekbones. Alex leaned down to kiss the brunette, burying her still gloved hands in her hair. Even as she held Olivia close, however, Alex couldn't push her mother's cruel comments from her thoughts. A knot grew in her chest and she pulled away abruptly, dashing the first tears brusquely from her eyes.

Olivia leaned up to press her lips gently to Alex's even as the blonde's shoulders trembled. Stepping back, Olivia ran her hands over Alex's collarbone and began to unbutton the blonde's coat. She tugged it from Alex's thin shoulders and tossed it towards the closet. Alex's gloves followed suit and Olivia held out her hands as the blonde stepped out of her boots.

With a small smile curling her lips, Olivia guided Alex silently into the living room. Ignoring the light switch, Olivia left her girlfriend in the center of the room and bent to turn on the festive Christmas tree's lights. She then stopped to flip on the CD player, smiling wider as the familiar sounds of her favorite Perry Como holiday album began to fill the small room. Straightening, Olivia turned back to Alex, who remained standing stiffly in stocking feet.

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex's slender body, running her palms up from Alex's waist to rest on the blonde's shoulder blades. Pressing her cheek to her girlfriend's shoulder, Olivia nuzzled against Alex's long, pale throat and began to sway gently. As Perry Como's suave voice crooned soothing lyrics, Alex relaxed in Olivia's embrace and curled her arms over the brunette's shoulders. Her cheek nestled against Olivia's hair, still damp from melted snow flakes, and let a few tears fall.

Alex pressed her lover tightly to her body. Even after the years they had been together, Alex felt a little intimidated by her love for the woman in her arms. No one in her past had ever inspired the kind of patience and tenderness that Olivia brought out in Alex. Through her whole life, Alex could describe herself as a woman who knew what she wanted, who was sure of her path in life. With this confidence, she had fought her way through crowds of equally driven and bright men and women to carve out her place. Before she met Olivia, Alex had believed that she led a charmed and successful life. Once she joined SVU, however, her opinion had slowly changed.

Prosecuting white collar crimes had been a black and white endeavor. Hating slimy business men and women grubbing for more wealth and breaking the law was easy and putting yet another inside trader behind bars had provided Alex with a mild sense of accomplishment. Her transfer to sex crimes had been merely a career move, a maneuver to get her hands on more high profile cases and jump start her political career.

The reality had been quite different. Sometimes, Alex returned to her office after court and buried her head in her hands, unable even to gain release through tears. Olivia Benson had been a ray of hope in Alex's darkest moments. Her steady gaze from the courtroom gallery had given Alex the strength to stare down smirking drug dealers and remain composed when a victim broke down on the stand. Though the cases she prosecuted for SVU tugged at her heart, Olivia had been the reason Alex remained strong and declined to be transferred to another division.

And now, years later, Alex's heart swelled as she swayed to Olivia's rhythm. At this moment, Alex thought, her mother could go to hell. Alex knew what she wanted and now she had her.

Once Olivia sensed Alex's relaxation, she began to run her fingers slowly along the length of Alex's back. She snaked one hand around the blonde's waist in order to run her palm over Alex's stomach and caress a path up to cup her jaw. Slowly, Olivia pulled back, leaning into her girlfriend's strong and protesting arms. She smiled up at Alex and was rewarded with a loving gaze. Moving agonizingly slowly, Olivia unfolded Alex's arms from around her neck and hooked a finger under the waistband of the blonde's skirt.

Olivia grinned wickedly and tugged at her girlfriend's skirt, pulling her insistently in the direction of their bedroom. Alex bit her lip and allowed herself to be gently led. If there was anything that could make her forget about this night, she thought, but her revelry was interrupted by Olivia's lips on hers.

Alex leaned into the kiss, parting her lips as Olivia nibbled gently. Fingers fumbled with the clasp of her skirt and Alex reached back to help, making quick work of the zipper and letting the material slide to the floor. Lips still locked with the brunette's, Alex began to undo the buttons of her blouse as Olivia's hands slipped under the satin to caress the blonde's smooth skin. Finally free of the blouse, Alex grasped Olivia's hips and guided her lover to lie back on the bed.

With Alex's assistance, Olivia's turtleneck and slacks landed on the wooden floor. Still standing, Alex removed her bra and panties and fell into her lover's reaching arms. With uncharacteristic aggression, Olivia pushed Alex to lie on her back and propped herself up on her elbow. She kissed Alex with bruising force, letting her free hand play across Alex's abdomen, scratching and caressing.

Nipping playfully, Olivia kissed a trail down Alex's exposed throat, laving the tender bites with her lips and tongue. When Olivia's lips closed over one pink nipple, Alex gasped and arched into the touch. It had been so long since Olivia had touched her like this. After her ordeal, Alex hadn't expected Olivia to touch her for a long time. In fact, Alex was willing to support Olivia for the rest of her life. But, the sensation of her lover's hands at last was overwhelming. Alex hadn't realized how much she craved this.

Olivia suckled on Alex's breast, rolling the nipple between her teeth until it tightened into a hard nub. Satisfied, her lover breathing heavily under her touch, Olivia continued to kiss a path downward. She paused over Alex's soft belly, nuzzling her nose and lips against the satiny skin there and reaching to caress one of Alex's breasts with her fingers. She cupped the blonde's perfectly round breast, enjoying its perfect fit in her hand, and beginning to caress the nipple between her fingers.

Finally, Olivia resumed her movement, pressing light kisses at the apex of Alex's thighs and inhaling the first breath of the blonde's familiar, warm scent. One of Alex's hands dropped to tangle in Olivia's short hair as the brunette began to explore her lover's folds with the tip of her tongue. Again, Alex arched up and hissed. "Liv, you don't…"

In response, Olivia ran the flat of her tongue over Alex's clit and gave her nipple a particularly sharp pinch. Soon, as Alex fell silent, Olivia found her familiar rhythm, remembering just the actions that would push her lover over the edge. She kissed gently at first, caressing Alex with feather-light touches of her lips and tongue. But as Alex's breathing grew erratic and her moans low and insistent, Olivia intensified her ministrations, rolling Alex's clitoris between her lips and using the flat of her tongue. At last, Alex's hand tightened almost painfully in Olivia's hair and she groaned wordlessly.

As Alex's climax passed, Olivia tenderly kissed her way up the length of her lover's torso until they lay side-by-side, breathing heavily. Finally, Alex sighed in pleasure and comfort and turned to press a chaste kiss to Olivia's lips. The brunette smiled tiredly at her lover and scooted closer, wordlessly encouraged the blonde to turn onto her side. Alex acquiesced, pressing her body back against Olivia's solid presence and sighing again when the brunette wrapped an arm across her waist. Alex tugged the blanket from the foot of the bed to cover them both before relaxing in Olivia's secure embrace. She smiled as lips caressed her neck and closed her eyes, too exhausted to move another inch.


	26. Chapter 26

Alex stretched luxuriously before turning to her side and tugging the thick comforter up over her shoulders. With cat-like movements, she snuggled the length of her slender body against her lover's warm, still form, nuzzling her nose tenderly into Olivia's dark hair. The room was bright with sunlight, but Alex ignored the morning's call to spend a little extra time reveling in the comfort of their shared bed.

Inhaling the scent of Olivia's tan skin, Alex let her thoughts drift to the night before. Her mother's actions had been predictably cruel but the pain she had inflicted on her daughter paled in Alex's mind to the love she felt for her fiancé. She would do nearly anything for the brunette who slept peacefully in her arms. The thought that she had been so near to losing Olivia was a constant source of sorrow for Alex. The knowledge that life was so fragile inspired Alex's actions; she never wanted to miss another opportunity to express her love to Olivia lest the unthinkable happen.

And she could see the same earnestness in the brunette's eyes. When Olivia held her, when the detective made love to her, Alex could sense that Olivia felt equally strongly. The previous night had been special. It was the first physical expression of love that Olivia had offered since she had been taken from Alex. It was a night that Alex was loathe to forget and even more reluctant to bring to a close by beginning a new day. So she eased her arm over Olivia's waist and held her tightly as she closed her eyes against the intruding sunbeams.

Awakening sometime later, Alex noted the change in the quality of the light streaming into the bright room. Yawning, she peered over Olivia's shoulder to check the time before sighing in regret. Her parents would arrive in a little over an hour and they expected to be entertained. It was Christmas Day after all. Alex rubbed her eyes violently with the back of her hand and slipped from under the covers. She wanted to take a quick run before facing her mother but Olivia could have a few more minutes of peace.

As she tugged on her warm leggings, soft sounds from the bed informed Alex that her efforts to let Olivia sleep had failed. Slipping on her tennis shoes, Alex bent to tenderly kiss her sleepy girlfriend. "Merry Christmas, honey. I'm going for a run before my parents get here. I'll be back in a little while." Olivia rubbed her eyes and sighed in pleasure, smiling at Alex as the blonde pulled on a sweatshirt.

"Alright, Alex. Merry Christmas," Olivia whispered as she buried her face back in the pillows.

Olivia stood under the shower's steamy spray. After Alex had left for her run, Olivia had tried to go back to sleep but wound up only staring at the clock. A few minutes of lying in bed without Alex's cuddling quickly became dull and so she had dragged herself from under the covers. If she couldn't sleep, she could at least begin the day in earnest and maybe even have some breakfast ready for her girlfriend.

Twisting the tap shut, Olivia stepped out of the shower and quickly dried herself. She walked to the bedroom and perched on the edge of the mattress. Dropping the towel onto the floor, Olivia squeezed a generous amount of lotion into the palm of her hand and began to rub it onto her legs. Over the past several days, this action had become something of a ritual for Olivia. It was the one time during the day when she forced herself to confront her changed body.

As she smoothed the lotion onto her skin, Olivia traced the scars which stood out raised and angry red against her tan. Her touch lingered on her knees, rubbing the ugly seams left by the emergency operations performed her first night in the hospital, and paused even longer on her breasts. As she massaged, she tried to remember the silken texture of the skin covering her breasts before her attack. Olivia recalled with a mixture of love and sadness how Alex had delighted in lavishing attention to the brunette's full breasts and dark nipples. And though Alex tried to convince the detective that she was still beautiful, Olivia could always perceive a hint of regret in her blue eyes.

Olivia jumped as a light voice startled her from her lonely thoughts. "Hello!" She continued to rub the lotion onto her scarred shoulder as she answered eagerly, glad that Alex had returned so soon.

"In here!" she called as she slipped the bottle of lotion back into the nightstand drawer. She picked up the towel and stood to greet Alex before getting dressed to cook breakfast. Eggs and toast sound nice, she thought to herself, before her thoughts were choked off by a horrifying sight.

Alex's mother stood stiffly in the bedroom doorway, an expression of horror and disgust contorting her elegant face. Olivia froze, her mind suddenly blank from shock and distress. The two women stared at each other. As Olivia looked into Nancy's eyes, she saw that her future mother-in-law's gaze was wandering over her naked body. Jerkily, she fought to stretch the suddenly too small towel over her body as she turned away. On unsteady legs, Olivia stumbled towards the security of the bathroom, desperate to escape the painful scrutiny. Finally, she reached its safety and quickly slammed the door closed. Once out of sight, she collapsed and slid down the cool door to sit on the tile. She drew her knees to her chest and curled in on herself, her breath coming in shaky, tearful gasps.

Alex paused for a moment on the front steps of her cottage in order to stretch her tight calf muscles. Breezing through the front door, she toed off her shoes and clapped her hands briskly together. "I'm back, darling," she called as she padded toward the bedroom in her stocking feet. "I hope you're…"

She stopped in surprise, her mouth open as she cut off her words at the sight of her mother standing in the kitchen. Taking in her mother's pale face and trembling jaw, Alex took a step back. "Mom? I thought…"

"Alex, what is going on? I saw … She's …" Her mother's voice shook in mixed fury and nausea.

"What are you talking about?" Alex started before realization contracted her confused expression. "You… Where is she?" Alex's voice was breathless with anxiety and before her mother could even gesture Alex launched herself toward the bedroom. The closed bathroom door told Alex the story she had been afraid to hear and she took a calming breath before knocking softly.

"Hey, Olivia, it's me," she murmured just loudly enough to be heard. "I'm coming in, ok?"

The only response she received was a muffled sob and soft shuffling sounds. Moving slowly, Alex eased the door open and slipped in, carefully closing the door behind her. She could deal with her mother later. Now her priority was Olivia.

The brunette leaned against the side of the bathtub, her knees clutched tightly to her chest. Alex moved to kneel on the bathmat near her lover, a pale smile softening her features. "Darling, what happened?" she asked quietly.

At Alex's touch, Olivia uncurled from her tense pose in order to lean close to her girlfriend. "I'm sorry, Alex," she whispered. "I didn't know…"

"Shhhh," Alex crooned. "What's done is done. My mom must have decided to come early. Let's get dressed and get this over with." She stood and extended her hands to her girlfriend.

Olivia sighed and wiped the remaining tears from her eyes. She accepted Alex's hand and stood, still grasping the edge of the towel with white-knuckles. She allowed Alex to lead her into the bedroom, silently thanking the blonde for having shut the bedroom door. With trembling hands, she accepted the clothes Alex handed to her and turned to get dressed. Understanding Olivia's silent plea for privacy, Alex slipped out to join her mother.

Nancy had moved to perch stiffly on the edge of the living room sofa. Hearing Alex's soft footsteps in the hall, she turned to confront her daughter. Her eyes flashed in anger as she laid eyes on Alex's exhausted expression.

"Alexandra, I want an explanation right now. I came a little early and the door was open so I let myself in. She… I… What is wrong with her, Alexandra?" Nancy spoke with determination, her lips pressed into a thin line between words.

Alex didn't answer as she sank onto the armchair and buried her face in her hands. They sat in silence for a long moment before Nancy once again broke the silence.

"I'm…" she began but was silenced by Alex's raised hand. Sitting up a little straighter, Alex swallowed her tears and looked her mother directly in the eye.

"Mom, we didn't want to tell you. She… Olivia was attacked a few months ago. They did … horrible things to her. I almost lost her. Do you understand now? I came so close to losing her." Alex stopped as a sob threatened to choke her and she covered her face with her hands.

Nancy stared at her daughter for a moment before her accusing expression softened. She waited with uncharacteristic patience until Alex composed herself once more and looked back up at her mother. The young woman started at her mother's expression. The look of gentle tenderness she found there was both unfamiliar and comforting and Alex quickly moved to join her mother on the sofa. Silently, she leaned into her mother's embrace and let herself be briefly comforted.

The shuffling and thump of Olivia's cane roused Alex and her mother. The brunette was pale and shy, silently acknowledging Alex's mother without looking at her. She sat uncertainly on the armchair and folded her arms protectively over her belly. A moment of uncomfortable quiet passed before Alex gathered herself with a start and stood. "I'll make us some tea," she murmured quietly and padded towards the kitchen.

Somehow, the muffled sounds of Alex putting the kettle onto the stove made the silence easier and the thought of speech less intimidating. Clearing her throat softly, Nancy began. "Olivia, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. Alex told me that something happened." She paused.

Still shyly avoiding the older woman's gaze, Olivia accepted her apology. "Mrs. Cabot, it's alright. It wasn't your fault." As Olivia spoke, Nancy moved to sit on the opposite end of the sofa so that she was close to the sad brunette.

"Olivia, please call me Nancy. You know, I haven't been very kind to Alexandra since she announced her preferences. I do regret that. And I regret the way I treated you. This hasn't been easy for me. I always just wanted the best for my daughter and I thought I knew what that was. I… Please forgive me Olivia. I hope we can start over." As she finished, she leaned towards her daughter's fiancé. She laid a gentle hand on Olivia's arm and felt a twinge of sorrow as the brunette flinched at the contact. Slowly, she withdrew her hand, unwilling to make Olivia any more uncomfortable than she already had. But, to her gratification, Olivia lifted her eyes and looked at the older woman, a pale smile on her face.

Alex rattled the teacups on the tray she held as she was overwhelmed with emotion. She had finished making the tea and was in the entrance to the living room as her mother spoke to Olivia. With disbelief and joy, she had listened to her mother's heartfelt speech, each word tugging at the tears she held in check. Finally, as Olivia smiled, the intense relief had become too much for Alex to bear in silence and she struggled to maintain her grip on the tea tray.

She nearly dropped the forgotten tray onto the coffee table as she walked shakily to join her mother on the sofa. Aware of the two women's gazes, Alex sank onto the sofa and impulsively wrapped her arms around her mother's shoulders. As Alex squeezed the older woman, Nancy returned the gesture with more feeling than she had in years. Alex's thin shoulders shook as she sobbed once into her mother's shoulder, but she gathered herself enough to speak.

"Mom," she murmured shakily. "Thank you so much."

Alex's mother finished her tea and stood to go. As Alex and Olivia rose to escort her to the door, Nancy looked anxiously at her folded hands for a brief moment before suddenly gazing with surprising intensity at her shy future daughter-in-law. Lacking a fraction of her customary grace, Nancy impulsively gathered the brunette into a tight embrace. Olivia stiffly stood in Nancy's arms for a moment before slowly bringing her arms up to return the gesture.

Pulling away, Nancy squeezed Olivia hands in her own and smiled with a hint of uncertainty. "I hope you'll still come to our place for Christmas dinner tonight. All of our family will be there and I'm sure they would like to meet you and hear your and Alex's news." She released Olivia's hands and turned to her daughter.

"Alexandra, I want to apologize again. I really am very glad you came back to celebrate with us this year." She hugged her tall daughter warmly and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "I'll see you tonight, sweetheart." With a more certain smile, Nancy went to the door to gather her winter clothes and depart.

Once the door clicked shut behind her mother, Alex turned to wrap her arms around her fiancé. She worked her hands over Olivia's tense shoulders and buried them in her tousled hair, leaning down to lingeringly kiss the brunette. "I love you, Liv. I love you."


	27. Chapter 27

As she dressed for dinner, Alex's thoughts kept turning to her mother's actions and the other events of the day. She mentally berated herself for taking her run when she knew her mother's penchant for early arrivals. The image of Olivia crouched nervously on the bathroom floor, humiliation reddening her beautiful face, cropped up in Alex's mind's eye no matter how hard she fought to push it away. Alex hated that her mother had seen Olivia in such a vulnerable position, hated that there would probably be more probing questions eventually. But she was also relieved. Alex had expected more rejection in her mother's words and expression. The tenderness and regret she found instead had been a welcome shock, one for which Alex was still thanking a god in whom she did not quite believe. Some how, some good had come out of this day. Alex smirked humorously to herself as she leaned to swipe at her lashes with mascara. Some might call this a Christmas miracle.

Emerging from the bathroom, Alex caught Olivia's eye. The brunette was sitting in a blue armchair in the corner of their bedroom, head turned to watch the gently falling snow in the pale moonlight. Upon Alex's entrance, she turned to smile tranquilly at the blonde and rose to meet her. Olivia was simply dressed, a cream colored sweater with a neck high enough to cover her scars and charcoal colored slacks which hugged her curves modestly but deliciously. Alex pressed her lips gently to Olivia's, careful not to smudge her lipstick. Coyly, she slipped one sneaky hand to caress the curve of Olivia's backside in order to let the brunette know how much she appreciated her outfit. Olivia swatted her fiance's hand away playfully, rolling her eyes. "Alex, please. We're going to see your parents." Alex laughed with genuine glee and took Olivia's hand to lead her out of the bedroom.

As the two women were warmly and enthusiastically welcomed into the Cabot's large cottage, they struggled to remove their winter parkas and gloves amidst the joyful crowd. Olivia surreptitiously tugged her sweater's sleeves down until the edges brushed her knuckles. Though she felt instantly welcome, she was unwilling to suffer any shadow of a repeat of this morning's uncomfortable events. More than anything, Olivia simply wanted to blend in, to appear as normal as possible, and enjoy the evening without fielding awkward questions about her scars.

She and Alex were propelled rapidly down the hallway by the jabbering crowd of Alex's extended family. Olivia was surprised by their warmth and openness. She had expected a more restrained atmosphere, a family that shook hands and spoke politely about the weather rather than this raucous exchanging of hugs and laughing greetings. Finally, they were deposited onto a loveseat and drinks were pressed into their hands.

For a moment, the roar of talking and guffawing died down as men and women took seats or dashed back to the kitchen for more trays of sliced vegetables and canapés. In this relative calm, a voice rang out. "Look, she's wearing a ring!"

Olivia started as the attention was suddenly focused on her hand. A tall blonde woman who bore a striking resemblance to Alex despite her more advanced years bent and took Olivia's hand in her own. Smiling, she examined the ring on Olivia's finger, raising it to the light to get a better view, before turning her sparkling expression to Alex. "Alex, you have wonderful taste," she said, winking.

Alex laughed and reached to squeeze Olivia's free hand. "Haven't I always? Olivia, this is my Aunt Marianne, my mom's sister."

Olivia smiled shyly at the woman who still examined her ring as a small crowd of Alex's aunts and cousins gathered around to see the ring for themselves. The brunette's shy smile grew bolder and she blushed slightly from the attention. It was true, she thought to herself. Alex's taste was perfect. Olivia couldn't have chosen a more beautiful ring herself.

The ring had a thin band of platinum with a single, small diamond set without prongs into a notch of the band. Alex had obviously given thought to Olivia's rough profession when purchasing the simple ring, choosing a setting that was neither extravagant nor easily caught on clothing. It was outwardly understated, but Alex had had a tender message engraved on the inside of the band, where only Olivia would know her sentiments. Olivia had memorized the simple script: "Olivia, you are in my heart always, A.G.C."

After dinner, as Alex's aunts cleared the table and giggled raucously behind their dishtowels, Alex and Olivia joined the rest of the family in the large living room. Alex's father passed around a tray of cognacs, extolling the spirit's use as a digestive aid. Drink in hand, Alex's father regaled his relaxed family with a play-by-play account of the football game he had taken in earlier in the day. Indulging her father, Alex let him monopolize the conversation as she sipped her cognac and reached to rest an arm over Olivia's shoulders, drawing the brunette to sit tightly against her.

The family chuckled at Paul's antics as he pretended to throw an invisible football, mimicking the winning touchdown pass. As he threw his arms into the air in the shape of the goal posts and crowed, "Touchdown!" Alex's aunts returned from the kitchen, herding a crowd of grandchildren, nieces and nephews in front of them.

Laughing, Marianne swung a tiny girl with bright blonde curls into her arms and nuzzled tickling kisses against her neck. "Time for presents, kids!" She plopped the little girl down before kneeling beside the twinkling Christmas tree, appointing herself as the distributor of presents. The children sat excitedly in a ring around their aunt, wriggling with anticipation. Waggling her eyebrows, Marianne held up the first present and read the tag agonizingly slowly. "This one is for Grandma Cabot!"

Squealing, Andrea shot to her feet and, accepting the present from her aunt, ran to deliver it to her grandmother. As the small girl wriggled her way on to the sofa, Nancy gasped with overdone anticipation and began to unwrap her gift. "I see that this one is from your mommy and daddy," she crooned to the little girl as she stuck the green ribbon bow onto her granddaughter's blonde curls.

Pulling a rose colored cable knit sweater from the tissue paper, Nancy oohed and ahhed at its perfection and laughingly thanked her son and daughter-in-law. Andrea, with practiced enthusiasm, gathered up the torn paper and carefully deposited the remains into a waiting garbage bag. As she returned to the circle of children, Marianne withdrew the next present from under the tree and handed it with ceremony to a brown-haired boy of about ten. As he gleefully tore open the packaging, Alex subtly cuddled closer to her fiancé and accepted another finger of cognac from her chuckling father.

As they enjoyed the controlled chaos of the children unwrapping new toys and books, Olivia grinned at their innocent glee but shifted uncomfortably on the sofa. Olivia was determined to enjoy this evening but her knees were starting to ache in earnest and the pain was beginning to show in the tense corners of her mouth. Almost unconsciously, her hand went to rub gingerly at her knees though she knew the effort would do little good. From the corner of her eye, Alex noticed her lover's slightly drawn expression and knew that she must be in pain.

Alex leaned to set her drink on the coffee table. With firm movements, she laid her hand on Olivia's calves and lifted the brunette's legs. Olivia started at her girlfriend's unexpected actions and shook her head subtly. But Alex only responded with a wide, relaxed grin and continued to settle Olivia's legs across her lap, forcing the brunette to turn and rest her back against the sofa's arm. Alex leaned to speak in Olivia's ear over the din of the children. "It's alright Liv. Look at Aaron and Nicole. I just want you to be comfortable." She picked up her glass and took a sip, turning her attention back to Marianne's teasing and letting her free hand rest protectively over Olivia's shin. Olivia followed her lead, enjoying the mild burn of the cognac on her tongue and letting herself relax in the warmth of Alex's family. She had to admit, sitting this way really did ease the throbbing in her knees.

She was startled from her relaxed pose when Marianne cried out. "This one's for Aunt Alex and Olivia!" Henry squeaked in excitement and snatched the beautifully wrapped package from Marianne's offering hands in order to run and deliver it to his favorite aunt. Alex accepted it with a sly tickle along the small boy's ribs that made him wriggle and squeal. She read the card quickly before looking over at her mother and father in surprise.

"Mom, you didn't have to," she began but was silenced by Nancy's hand. The older woman stood and crossed to perch on the sofa by her daughter. Reaching over, she pulled the top of the box away to reveal two smaller packages inside, one marked for Alex and the other to Olivia. Nancy nodded encouragingly to Alex and Olivia, gesturing for them to open their gifts. Olivia did so hesitantly, almost afraid of what she would find inside. Finally, unable to postpone it any longer, Olivia pushed aside the tissue paper within the tiny box and withdrew a beautiful bracelet.

It was clearly an antique, made of delicate silver and rose gold links interwoven into an intricate braided chain. Olivia let it drape across her fingers and held it up so that the lights from the Christmas tree glinted off of the fragile links. She quickly turned to look into Nancy's eyes, her face tightened in sorrowful refusal. "Mrs. Cab … Nancy, no. It's too much, really." As she spoke, she made to slip the bracelet back into its tissue wrapping and hand it back to Alex's mother but her hands were stilled by Nancy's warm touch.

"Olivia," she said softly, her expression friendly and almost tender. "Please, I want you to have it. Paul's mother gave it to me on my wedding day. It was my something new. I've been saving it for Alex's wedding day all these years and now I want you to have it. Please." Nancy spoke in a low voice but, in the sudden quiet, Alex's listening family could hear her every word. As she finished, Nancy gently took the bracelet from Olivia's slack fingers. She took Olivia's right wrist in her hand and fastened the bracelet around it before enfolding the brunette's hand in her own. Briefly, Nancy glanced at her daughter before quickly wiping a tear from her eye. Waving Alex's concerned touch away, Nancy gestured to the box Alex still held. "Alexandra, open yours."

Alex complied though her mind still lingered on her mother's words. Alex had not believed that one woman could contain so much joy, but, on this vacation, she continued to surprise herself. She was reluctant to bring this moment to an end and her fingers drew out the process of unwrapping until she was startled by her father clearing his throat. As she brushed the tissue paper back, Alex's heart jumped into her throat. "Oh, Mom," she breathed, unable to think of anything more eloquent.

Alex cradled the broach in her palm as memories from her childhood brought a small smile to her face. She couldn't count the number of times that she had sat with her mother at her mother's dressing table. As Nancy applied her make-up, she allowed Alex to take pieces of her jewelry out of the velvet-lined jewelry box and try them on. Her mother would laugh, her voice light, as Alex admired herself, comically pouting in the mirror and waggling ring-laden fingers like she imagined a movie star would do. And Alex's favorite piece had always been this broach, which Nancy would pin carefully to Alex's nightshirt.

The broach was made of heavy gold, the profile of a beautiful young woman looking into the distance. Her long hair was blown back from her face and sparkled with tiny diamonds set in the curls. Alex sat perfectly still as she looked down at the pin, not daring to move as she knew that any word would set loose the tears that she held tightly in check.

After a moment of silence, Nancy reached out with barely trembling hands and took the broach from her daughter. Just as she had done many times in the past, she carefully pinned it to Alex's shirt before leaning back to admire how it looked against her daughter's black blouse and blonde hair. "Alexandra, I know how much you loved this broach. I was saving it for your wedding." Nancy wiped another tear from her eye as she turned to Olivia. "My mother gave me that as my something old. And her mother gave it to her. I wanted you two to have these things as a sign of our blessings." She paused as her tears overwhelmed her and Paul rested his hand comfortingly on his wife's shoulder.

Impulsively, Olivia grasped her future mother-in-law's hand and squeezed it firmly with both of her own. "Nancy, thank you." Nancy returned her grip as she dashed away her tears and looked up at her attentive family.

"Alright, enough of this," she said with a trembling voice and a flourish of her hands. She smiled widely. "Let's have some more presents, Marianne!"

Squealing, the children once again crowded around the tree, glad that their grandmother's emotional moment could be left behind. As the din once again rose, Alex reached to hold Olivia's hand in her own and ran her fingers over the bracelet around the brunette's wrist. "It looks beautiful on you," she murmured. Olivia smiled softly and Alex leaned to chastely press her lips to Olivia's, tenderly caressing the brunette's hand. Drawing back, Alex smiled, her heart overflowing with love for her girlfriend. Taking deep, calming breaths, Alex picked up her all but forgotten glass and took a long sip. As the cognac burned her throat and warmed her belly, Alex relaxed quietly into the sofa cushions and ran her fingers softly over her lover's legs resting on her lap. She watched one of her cousin's children holding up a new action figure and let her thoughts wander. Coming back for Christmas had been one of the best decisions she had made in a long time.

Olivia dug into the bottom of her suitcase, pushing aside a clutter of shoes and balled socks. She withdrew a small package wrapped in red paper with a white ribbon. Smiling to herself, she rose to her feet and brushed her hair back from her forehead. She had placed her request for the item with an antiques dealer and had convinced Elliot to pick it up and sneak it into the apartment when he visited to watch basketball one afternoon. She had only just hidden it in the closet before she heard the rattle of Alex's key in the lock and had been forced to hurry to return to her place on the couch before her girlfriend entered.

Now, after hiding it for so long, Olivia was thrilled to finally give it to Alex. Smoothing the ribbon, she returned to the living room where Alex was stoking a fire just beginning to crackle cheerfully. The blonde dropped the poker back into its brass rack and turned to grin at Olivia and beckon the brunette to join her on the sofa.

Olivia returned her grin, settling close to her girlfriend and shyly offering her the neatly wrapped package. Alex accepted it and impishly shook it, holding it close to her ear to listen for telltale rattles. Olivia rolled her eyes and poked Alex gently in her side. "Come on, Alex, just open it already." Alex placed the gift on her knees and tugged on the end of the ribbon, drawing her actions painstakingly out.

Olivia watched closely as Alex peeled the red paper away and lifted her gift free. Her blue eyes lit with pleasure and she examined the book's cover for a long moment, running the tip of one long finger over the gold-leaf title. It was an antique copy of _Alice in Wonderland_, a first edition_. _ She quickly glanced at Olivia before returning her attention to the book. Slowly, she opened the leather-bound cover and read the inscription. "For Alex. Love, Olivia," Alex read, her voice a barely audible whisper.

Smiling tenderly, Alex set the book on her lap and turned to spontaneously press the brunette in her arms. She brushed her lips along Olivia's cheekbone, ghosting over raised scars and soft skin. "I love it, darling. Thank you so much." As she pulled away, she ran her fingers down Olivia's arm to take the brunette's hand in her own. "My parents used to read it to me when I was little."

Olivia laughed softly. "I remember. I asked an antique dealer to find it for me earlier this year. I was gambling that you would keep me around until Christmas."

Alex leaned back against the sofa's cushioned arm and tilted her head back in laughter. "Liv, I always underestimate your powers of observation. Now, it's time for you to open your gift."

Alex rose from the sofa and moved to stand in front of her lover, extending her hands toward Olivia in a gesture of invitation. Olivia placed her hands in Alex's and the blonde guided her touch to rest on the waistband of her dark wool skirt. Olivia ran her fingers over the soft cloth before slyly hooking a knuckle in between the garment and Alex's warm skin.

With tantalizingly slow motions, Olivia tugged the edges of Alex's blouse free and ghosted her palms under the silk. She nimbly unhooked the skirt's clasp at the small of Alex's back and pulled the zipper down so slowly that Alex could nearly discern each clink of the plastic knobs coming apart. Encouraging the brunette to enjoy herself, Alex took a half step toward her seated lover and reached to rest her hands gently on the back of Olivia's neck. She leaned her head back, exposing her long, slender throat, and shut her eyes to better enjoy the warmth of her fiance's exploring hands.

Olivia rested her palms on the curves of Alex's thighs and, using only the friction of her skin against the cloth, eased the skirt down until it was a pile on the rug. Alex stepped out of it, flicking it away with a sensuous movement of her ankle. With a small, sharp intake of breath, Olivia let her fingertips bump along the dark lace at the tops of the blonde's thigh-high stockings. With renewed eagerness to see the rest of her present, Olivia began to unbutton Alex's blouse, brushing her knuckles against the blonde's abdomen as she proceeded.

As Olivia reached higher, Alex took the brunette's hands in her own and replaced them on her hips. Eyes long-lidded, Alex looked down into Olivia's dark gaze as she raised her own hands to undo the last buttons. Finally, Alex opened her blouse and let the light cloth slide down the length of her pale arms. She maintained her eye contact with her lover as she tossed the shirt away and allowed herself a small grin at Olivia's wide eyed expression.

Alex had been saving this lingerie for this night and she thoroughly enjoyed her girlfriend's stunned reaction. Alex extended her hands to the brunette, encouraging her to stand and touch. Olivia complied, her knees weak at the sight of her lover. Alex stood tall and with an air of tender authority. Her bra and panties were deep red, a color that contrasted dramatically with her pale skin. Olivia grazed her fingertips over the lace, admiring its softness and the way she could feel the warmth of Alex's flesh through the thin cloth. She traced the edge of one lacy cup before letting her fingers run over Alex's slender body and down to skim over the blonde's tiny panties and charcoal colored garter belt. Olivia took her time, drinking in the sight and sensations. This was a treat with which Alex rarely indulged her lover, preferring to purchase lingerie for Olivia to wear and Alex to admire.

Stretching cat-like under Olivia's reverent touch, Alex enjoyed the eagerness of her girlfriend's exploring hands. Finally, she decided to move the brunette along and reached to snatch a stack of quilts from the rack near the sofa. With a flick of her wrists, Alex spread the quilts on the rug in front of the fire before moving quickly to kneel before the brunette. Olivia moved to follow her girlfriend but Alex stopped her with a gentle grasp on her hips. "Not yet, darling," she murmured in a husky voice, gazing up through blonde lashes.

Scratching her fingernails over Olivia's skin, Alex undid the button and zipper of Olivia's snug slacks and tugged them fiercely over the brunette's hips. Alex was gratified to see that, while Olivia was still too thin, she was beginning to gain weight and her hips were returning to their former sexy fullness. Growling deep in her throat, Alex nuzzled her cheek along the top of Olivia's thigh before grasping the edge of the brunette's panties with her teeth. Running her hands firmly over the backs of Olivia's thighs, Alex pulled tugged the panties down Olivia's long legs until they fell to her ankles. Straightening again, Alex leaned to blow warm breath onto Olivia's core before pressing her lips to the sensitive flesh.

Olivia's knees nearly buckled at Alex's ministrations and she rested her hands on the blonde's shoulders for balance. Alex paused to lock eyes with her girlfriend for a long moment before returning to her task. She breathed again over Olivia's flesh before returning her lips to the apex of the brunette's thighs, alternating soft kisses and firmer, teasing nuzzles. She dug her fingers into Olivia's supple buttocks, squeezing as if to remind her lover that she belonged to the blonde. Finally, as Olivia's grip on her shoulders grew more desperate and her vocalizations louder and more strained, Alex leaned back on her heels and extended her arms to welcome her lover.

Gratefully, though a fraction awkwardly with her stiff knees, Olivia sank down to join Alex on the quilts spread before the crackling fire. As she admired the patterns of light and shadow cast over Alex's bare skin, Olivia allowed herself to be pressed down to lie on the blankets. Alex climbed to straddle the prone woman before grasping the hem of Olivia soft sweater and tugging it off. The blonde leaned down to kiss Olivia with bruising force, nipping at her girlfriend's lips and surprising the brunette with her aggression. Olivia's breath caught in her throat as a wave of heat swirled in her core. Alex had not shown such fierceness, such unleashed lust for her lover since before Olivia's attack, but even after so long, Olivia shuddered with familiar response. She returned the blonde's passionate kiss and closed her eyes. This was how she loved Alex the best.

Alex raked her nails over Olivia's ribs, bumping over bone and raised scars, and Olivia hissed in mixed pleasure and pain. The brunette raised her hands to touch her lover but Alex growled and gripped her wrists, forcing them over Olivia's head and pressing them against the floor. "Keep them there, Olivia, or I'll tie them down for you," Alex whispered with more than a hint of command. As the brunette watched with eyes heavy-lidded with passion, Alex stretched to reach her purse and withdrew the familiar black leather collar. Alex kissed Olivia deeply, running her tongue over the brunette's teeth, as she wrapped the collar around Olivia's neck and buckled it securely.

Olivia moaned, her eyes closed, and Alex smirked. She loved the way that the leather unwound her lover without fail. She bent to nip along Olivia's collarbone and tugged the straps of Olivia's bra over the brunette's shoulders. Hooking her fingers under the band of the bra, Alex yanked the flimsy cloth from Olivia's breasts and dove to take one already taut nipple in her mouth. She laved the sensitive flesh with her tongue, sucking gently and teasing with kisses and breaths of warm air. Olivia moaned and arched her back into Alex's touch and the blonde chuckled against her flushed skin. She caressed Olivia's other breast with her palm, relishing the silky texture of the firm flesh. As she rolled the nipple between her thumb and forefinger, Olivia gasped and brought her hands to rest in Alex's hair.

Immediately, Alex pinched the captive nipple and growled. "Put them back, Olivia," she hissed dangerously. Slowly, Olivia complied.

"Alex…," she sighed breathlessly. Alex pinched the nipple more fiercely and gave it a twist, eliciting a sharp gasp from her lover.

"You've forgotten already, Olivia?" Alex asked threateningly, maintaining her grasp though Olivia squirmed to gain relief.

"Ma'am," gasped the brunette in a high pitched whisper. "I'm sorry, ma'am."

Alex released Olivia's swollen nipple and leaned down to press her lips rewardingly to the brunette's. "Good girl," she murmured lustily.

Alex resumed her passionate attentions to Olivia's breasts, rolling one nipple tenderly between her teeth before soothing it with the warmth of her tongue. Slowly, she began to nip and kiss a path across Olivia's stomach, pausing frequently to waft cool air over the wetness left on the brunette's skin and watch the patterns of goosebumps rise. Letting her left hand trail between Olivia's breasts, Alex pressed her lips in a tender pattern over the remaining flesh of Olivia's scarred folds. Olivia writhed under Alex's touch and moaned wordlessly, struggling to resist the urge to bury her fingers in her lover's blonde hair.

Teasing Olivia with her lips and fingers, Alex smiled against the brunette's flesh. With sly tentativeness, Alex brushed the tip of her tongue across Olivia's labia as she continued to alternatively caress and knead her girlfriend's breasts with her free hand. The detective moved her hips, desperate passion causing beads of sweat to form on her forehead, and Alex decided to give her girlfriend what she wanted.

Alex found Olivia's still hidden clitoris and pursed her lips, sucking ever so gently to coax it out of its hood. As Olivia moaned with greater intensity, Alex tickled the tiny bud with the tip of her tongue and slowly pressed her index finger into her girlfriend. She ghosted the flat of her tongue across Olivia's clit, letting her lover experience the intense warmth and anticipation of what was to come. With firm but gentle movements, Alex ran her tongue across Olivia's clitoris with greater pressure. Olivia arched her back and groaned almost inaudibly.

Feeling that Olivia was nearing her climax, Alex decided to push her over the edge. With her finger still buried deeply inside of her lover, Alex rubbed against the spot she knew would drive Olivia wild, curling and uncurling her finger slowly and enjoying the warm, velvety sensations against her sensitive fingertip. Using her free hand to firmly grip Olivia's jumping hips, Alex pressed her mouth tightly against her lover's folds and eagerly sucked the brunette's clitoris between her lips. She sucked with gradually increasing intensity, punctuating her actions with gentle touches of her teeth around the tender flesh.

Olivia stiffened, her trembling moans increasing in pitch and hitching as she gasped for breath. She pressed her wrists violently against the floor and rose up, back gracefully arched off of the rug. Alex lessened the intensity of her motions and gradually withdrew her fingers. She caressed Olivia's shuddering body, rising to sit upright on her knees and crawl sensuously up along her lover's body.

Alex rested on her elbows and leaned down to press her lips to Olivia's still trembling ones in a chaste and tender kiss. As she drew back, Olivia opened her eyes, her expression exhausted and still clouded with the remnants of pleasure. Alex smiled lovingly and Olivia feebly returned her grin. "Merry Christmas, Olivia," she murmured, her voice heavy with tenderness.

"Merry Christmas, Ale… ma'am," Olivia responded softly. Alex moved to lie on her side, head still propped on her elbow, body pressed along the length of Olivia's. Breathing deeply, Alex played her fingers gently across the still flushed skin of Olivia's belly and admired the golden color cast by the orange flames. They lay like that for a long time, relaxing in their closeness, before Olivia finally broke the comfortable silence.

"Alex, ma'am, may I ask a question?"

The blonde responded only with a permissive hum, still fascinated by the patterns she traced across Olivia's skin.

"Were you wearing these while we were visiting your parents?"

Alex threw her head back and laughed with open amusement. "Of course, Liv. It's Christmas and, on Christmas, presents should be wrapped and ready." She kissed Olivia again, allowing her lips to linger against the brunette's for a long moment. "I didn't want you to be disappointed."


	28. Chapter 28

"Come on, Liv. Let's go out tonight," Alex crooned, twirling her fingernails across Olivia's belly. Olivia groaned in response, laying her hand over Alex's to still her tickling.

"Alex, I don't think that's a good idea. Why don't we just stay in and finish the movie?"

"Liv, we always stay in. We haven't really gone out for such a long time. Let's go somewhere new, somewhere no one knows us, and dance." Alex let her voice drop in tone, cooing in husky notes as she ran a fingertip along the line of Olivia's collar, where the leather met skin. She loved caressing her girlfriend like this and knew that the combination of her touch and her soft voice would convince the brunette to comply.

"Alright, Alex. I'll go get ready," Olivia playfully whined, levering her body off of the sofa with a grimace of exaggerated effort. Alex laughed as she sprang up in pursuit of her girlfriend.

Grasping the brunette's shoulders, Alex spun her around and pressed a kiss to her lips. "I knew you'd come around, darling. And, to make it even easier on you, tonight I'll pick what you wear."

Olivia let Alex usher her into a tiny corner booth, dimly lit and relatively isolated in the crowded club. She tugged a fraction nervously at the sleeves of her snug black blouse. Though they were surrounded by strangers, Olivia was loathe to invite questioning looks by revealing her scars. She was thankful that Alex had picked out modest clothing for her. But Olivia was still curious about the devilish look that had flitted across Alex's expression as the blonde had watched Olivia dress.

Olivia was startled from her thoughts by the warmth of Alex's lithe form molding tightly along her own. She turned to the blonde and was met by a predatory grin. Alex's fingers raked across the back of Olivia's head and she pulled the detective into a passionate kiss. Olivia leaned her head back in a gesture of inviting supplication and Alex growled in appreciation. Finally, Alex pulled away and let her arm snake across Olivia's shoulders to drape there possessively.

A waitress, dressed provocatively in fishnets and a black miniskirt, appeared at their table with an expectant grin. "Can I get you two ladies something?" she asked suggestively, moving to rest her fingertips on Olivia's arm.

Alex fixed her with a cool stare. "I'll have a vodka martini," she said icily, her blue eyes wandering pointedly towards the waitress's offending hand. "And my pet will have a single-malt scotch, on the rocks." The woman nodded, snatching her hand from Olivia's shoulder, and turned to go, though she glanced lingeringly over her shoulder.

With a dismissive growl at the retreating waitress, Alex turned her attention back to the brunette in her arms. Her smirk widened as she met Olivia's questioning look.

"Your pet, Alex?" Olivia asked, her eyebrow cocked. Alex raised her hand to trail a long finger over Olivia's cheek to caress her jaw and hook wryly under her collar.

"You are my pet, Liv. But you're a very naughty pet now, aren't you. Did you forget the rules?" Alex spoke in a low, warm voice rising with a hint of threat as she finished.

Olivia started at her girlfriend's tone before lowering her eyes. "I'm sorry, ma'am," she murmured gently.

"It's alright, darling," Alex responded, using her finger to lift Olivia's chin. She pressed a tender kiss to her lover's lips before continuing. "You can make it up to me later."

Their waitress returned with their drinks, setting them carefully on the table and avoiding touching Olivia under Alex's watchful gaze. Alex waved her away before gently clinking the rim of her glass against Olivia's in a toast. Taking a sip, she settled back to enjoy Olivia's company and watch the other couples and dancers milling around the club. Absentmindedly, Alex ran her fingers over Olivia's clothed arm as she sipped and she leaned in to brush her nose against Olivia's fragrant hair.

Olivia rested against Alex's warm body but she could not quite relax. As much as she was grateful that Alex had chosen a place where they knew no one, she couldn't help feeling as if they were on display, like meat in a butcher's window. Olivia shuddered involuntarily at the thought and Alex wrapped her arm more tightly around her shoulders.

With a slight frown of concern, Alex caressed Olivia's jaw with her palm and turned the brunette to face her. "Are you alright, Liv?" she asked softly.

Olivia nodded and, impulsively, leaned up to kiss her girlfriend. "I just feel like everyone's looking at us, ma'am," she responded shyly.

Alex smiled down at her lover. "They're looking at you, beautiful. They're all jealous because you're the most gorgeous woman here and you're … all … mine," she purred, punctuating her last words with gentle kisses. Pulling back, Alex took a sip of her drink and let her fingers play in Olivia's short hair, ruffling it attractively. Olivia rose her glass to her lips in order to distract Alex from her rapidly rising flush. Alex simply chuckled and took the glass from her girlfriend's hands, setting it on the table with a clink. Leaning down to brush her lips against Olivia's ear, she whispered alluringly. "Why do you think I dressed you this way? I don't want anyone else looking at what's mine."

Gracefully, Alex rose and coaxed Olivia to follow with outstretched hands. As Olivia stood, Alex hooked a finger under the collar circling the brunette's neck and led her to the dance floor. The music was loud, but subtle, pumping with bass notes the dancers felt rather than heard. Alex wound her way through the swaying crowd until she found a reasonably open nook and spun to face her still blushing girlfriend.

With firm hands, Alex grasped Olivia's hips and drew her close, pressing their bodies tightly together. Olivia raised her hands to rest them on the back of Alex's neck as she leaned back to look up into her girlfriend's blue eyes. Alex stared intensely down at the brunette swaying below her and grinned hungrily. She pulled Olivia roughly against her and bent to kiss and nip at the brunette's long neck. Olivia closed her eyes and hummed deep in her throat, moving to wrap her arms more tightly around Alex's neck and letting the blonde's grasp on her hips guide her dancing.

Swaying in Alex's arms, Olivia kept her eyes closed and let her mind wander to the throbbing music. She and Alex didn't go out dancing in clubs very often but occasionally, they both needed to go somewhere they would be strangers, somewhere they could pretend that their daily cares and stresses belonged to other people. Pressed in each other's arms, faces obscured by dim lighting and crowded dance floors, Alex and Olivia found relief in anonymity and exertion until they finally stumbled exhausted into a taxi.

Tonight was comfortingly familiar and yet different. Alex had coaxed Olivia to come out not because she needed to forget but because she needed to remember. With each step towards normalcy, Alex and Olivia were one step more distant from the horrific events that had disrupted their life together. Dancing in the dark club, Olivia shoved thoughts of pain aside and enjoyed the sensation of Alex's slender body moving with her own.

The blonde's hands roved up and down Olivia's back, appreciating the warmth of the brunette's skin through the cloth of her blouse. She had coaxed Olivia to wear the outfit as a special favor to her. And she was enjoying the results of her experiment. The long-sleeved black blouse hid all but the brunette's hands and neck, setting off her tan skin and the pale collar buckled around her slender throat. Her black skirt was long enough to skim the floor, hiding Olivia's long legs from unwanted glances, but still hugged the curves of her hips subtly. Alex appreciated the contrast between the demure outfit and the sexiness she knew was hidden underneath. She also appreciated the barrier the clothes erected against the lingering gazes of other club goers. Alex grinned to herself; Olivia was hers and those around them knew it.

Finally, fanning herself with one hand, Alex hooked a finger under Olivia's collar and led her from the dance floor. Once they were far from the booming speakers, Alex leaned to speak into Olivia's ear. "I'm exhausted, darling. I'm going to run to the bathroom. Why don't you get us a table and some fresh drinks?" She brushed her lips against Olivia's as she straightened and turned to find the ladies' room.

Olivia settled herself into an open booth, setting their drinks carefully onto the table. She smoothed her skirt over her thighs and paused to rub her aching knees. Even though Alex had helped her wrap them before going out, she knew they would be sore and swollen in the morning. No matter, she thought, tonight was worth it. As she briefly dabbed the perspiration from her forehead with a cocktail napkin, a slender woman slid to sit next to her. Olivia smiled to greet Alex but started at her unfamiliar face and long dark hair.

"I'm sorry," Olivia began but froze when the woman raised her hand to rest a fingertip against Olivia's lips.

"I'm not," purred the strange woman as she moved her hand to rest heavily on Olivia's shoulder. "I've been watching you dance and I think I'd like to try you out for myself." She drawled her words languorously, caressing Olivia's shoulder as she spoke. Olivia snapped out of her stunned silence and grasped the woman's wrist tightly, removing her hand and fixing her with the coldest gaze she could muster.

"No," Olivia said flatly. "I'm here with someone." She turned away and reached for her glass, hoping that the offending woman would take her hint. Before her lips touched the cool glass, however, a crushing grasp seized her wrist and yanked forcefully, pulling Olivia from her seat and into the strange woman's arms. The glass crashed to the floor, disturbing a few of those nearby, but Olivia didn't even register the sound or the sharp scent of spilled scotch.

"I assumed that you knew your place," she snarled, curling her fingers around Olivia's collar. "Apparently your master has been lax." She turned to drag Olivia behind her but the brunette held her ground. With practiced movements, Olivia aimed a blow at the woman's stomach but it glanced away as the dark woman turned, her expression twisted in fury.

Still grasping Olivia's collar, she slapped the brunette across her cheek and hissed. "Let this be your first lesson." Tugging cruelly, she resumed her path toward the dance floor with Olivia in tow.

Scrabbling fiercely against the tight grip on her collar, Olivia shrieked in protest and fought to get away. But her cries for help fell on deaf ears. The patrons of the club were familiar with the woman who called herself Madam Rouge and had become accustomed to the scenes she regularly acted out with her numerous girls. So, despite mild irritation at the volume of this particular scene, the other club goers ignored Olivia's struggles and yells.

The woman pulled Olivia against her and, maintaining her grip on Olivia's collar, ran a hand appreciatively over the curve of Olivia's hip. Snarling, Olivia seized the woman's hand and threw it away before rearing back and slapping the woman's heavily made-up cheek. Grinding her teeth, Olivia growled, "Let me go."

The stranger released Olivia's collar and buried her hand in Olivia's short hair, yanking painfully as she spun the detective around and shoved her against the wall. With unnerving quickness, the woman dragged Olivia's hands behind her and the brunette felt the nauseatingly familiar sensation of steel closing around her wrists. As they ratcheted closed around her wrists, Olivia struggled to gasp for breath and her chest tightened with panic. She froze as hands ran disgustingly over her body and her mind screamed in terror. Alex. Where was Alex?

Olivia stumbled as the woman pulled her hair and forced her to turn into her embrace. Olivia parted her lips to scream in protest but her voice cracked in her throat. The face floating in her vision twisted and swam until she looked directly into the eyes of the man who had tortured and raped her. Silently, Olivia jerked and writhed in desperate efforts to escape but instead felt a hand snake under the hem of her shirt to explore the flesh of her stomach.

Her voiceless screams turned to wordless sobs as she imagined more and more hands touching her, icy fingers caressing her flesh and invading her most private places. Her knees buckled, unable to support her body as her mind shut itself off, but she was supported by the fist still knotted in her hair. She flinched as a palm cupped her breast and her skin crawled at the seemingly familiar roughness and stench of cigarette smoke. Unable to resist any further, Olivia turned her head and retched weakly.

Suddenly, she fell to the ground, the full weight of her body landing on her already aching knees. Olivia curled on her side, dimly aware of the relative quiet as well as the sound of a familiar voice, a comforting voice. She shuddered as her thoughts reeled in blank terror and, though her eyes remained open, she saw only the horrifying dankness of her prison.

Alex left the bathroom, rubbing her damp hands on her jeans to dry them. These places never had paper towels. She wove gracefully through the crowd near the bar, searching for her girlfriend. Alex hoped that she had found an empty table where they could enjoy their drinks in relative comfort. Frowning, she looked around the small seating area a second time, rising onto her toes in order to gain a better vantage point. Olivia was simply not there.

The sudden silence as the music was shut off startled the blonde and she turned to see what the commotion was all about. As the crowd parted for a split second, Alex caught a glimpse of Olivia's unnaturally pale face and waxen expression of fear and she leapt forward. With fierce grace, Alex forced her way through the curious crowd to where a bouncer had cornered a tall, heavily made-up woman.

"Ma'am, I'm asking you to leave before I make you…" the bouncer growled tiredly, his speech interrupted as Alex shoved him aside and knelt beside her trembling girlfriend. Taking a deep breath to regain her calm, Alex laid a soothing hand on Olivia's curled back. The brunette flinched and the bouncer, responding to defend the obviously frightened woman, reached to grab Alex's shoulder. The blonde brushed his hand away, looking up with an expression of naked anger and protectiveness.

"I'm her fiancé," she growled before turning her attention again to Olivia. Murmuring soothing words, Alex ran her palm gently up and down Olivia's back, letting her fingers bump over the brunette's spine and hoping the familiar action would help her calm down. Finally, Olivia blinked and her wide brown eyes met Alex's concerned gaze. "Olivia, it's me. You're safe, you're safe."

"Alex," Olivia whispered, her voice shaky. Alex shushed her tenderly and moved to help her sit up. She reached to take Olivia's hand and, to her horror and fury, her fingertips met steel. Eyes flashing dangerously, Alex whipped around to fix the strange woman in her glare.

"You," she seethed. "Give me the key. Now!" Alex ground her words around clenched teeth, snapping her last word when the woman did not immediately obey. After a second that stretched into an hour or more in Alex's mind, the woman dropped the tiny key into Alex's outstretched hand. Moving with unnatural calm, Alex unlocked the cuffs and threw them away, only faintly registering the slither of metal across the wooden dance floor as she grasped Olivia's trembling hand.

Slowly and tenderly, Alex helped her girlfriend to sit and then to stand, wrapping a supportive arm around the brunette's waist. She turned to guide Olivia towards the exit, pointedly ignoring the staring crowd as she moved, but was interrupted by a woman's voice.

"Look," the woman started in a voice made gravelly by age and smoke. "I didn't…"

Alex held Olivia tighter and turned her head to look coldly over her shoulder. "Not. Another. Word," she hissed, her voice surprisingly loud in the silent club. Quietly, she continued to lead Olivia towards the door, pausing only to accept their coats from the doorman. Wordlessly, but with loving touches and a calm expression, she helped Olivia into her jacket and bundled it warmly around the silent brunette. "Here, darling," she whispered as she pressed the cane into Olivia's yielding hand. "I'm taking you home."

With patient efficiency, Alex escorted Olivia back to their apartment, never breaking her reassuring touch on the brunette's waist. Before she had locked the apartment door behind them, Olivia was limping distractedly towards their bedroom, fingers fumbling at the buttons of her jacket.

Alex followed her quietly as Olivia stepped shakily into the bathroom. She bent and turned on the hot water tap in the bathtub, plugging the drain when the water began to steam and straightening to resume her struggle to free herself from her clothing. Deftly, Alex reached and turned on the cold tap to bring the water to a more temperate heat before moving to grasp Olivia's trembling shoulders. Olivia jerked away from her touch, stumbling blindly. Alex caught her with steady hands and eased her to sit on the lid of the toilet.

"Shhh," Alex whispered. "Let me." Gently, Alex helped Olivia out of her jacket and tugged off her shoes. Soon, Olivia was undressed and Alex tested the water with her hand before helping Olivia ease into the warm water. Alex knelt on the bathmat as Olivia settled into the soothing heat and reached to cup Olivia's cheek with her palm. Drawing her knees to press against her chest, Olivia rested her own hand on top of Alex's. They remained still for a moment before a sob broke the silence.

Using her free arm to press her knees more tightly to her body, Olivia let her head drop forward and her shoulders began to shake with frightened and exhausted sobs. Soundlessly, Alex rose higher onto her knees and rested her hand on the base of Olivia's neck, praying that the brunette would receive some comfort from the gesture. She bent to press her lips chastely against the crown of Olivia head and ran her thumb across the brunette's tearstained cheek. Alex's fury flared as a thought of the woman's actions and the bystanders' ambivalence flitted through her mind, but she forced herself to push the thought away and remain calm. For now, Olivia needed comfort and love, not anger. Alex closed her eyes and let her cheek rest tenderly in Olivia's dark, damp hair.

The water was cooling rapidly and goosebumps stood out on Olivia's skin when Alex finally moved to drain the tub. Olivia started at the sudden noise in the silent bathroom but finally moved to look at her girlfriend who stood nearby with a ready towel and outstretched hands. Steadying the brunette as she stepped onto the bathmat, knees trembling and swollen, Alex wrapped the large towel tightly around Olivia's body before pulling the quiet woman into a secure embrace.

Alex held her with love, regret and something akin to desperation. Every day, she fought to keep them together, fought against Olivia's real and imagined demons, struggled to remain a pillar for the brunette to lean on. But there were moments when it was too much, moments when Alex wanted to throw herself to the carpet and sob until she had no tears left. Instead, she simply took a deep, steadying breath and held the love of her life tightly in her arms until her strength returned.

The blonde buried her nose in Olivia's short hair, inhaling the lingering scents of soap and cold sweat as she nuzzled behind Olivia's ear. A tear sprang to Alex's eye and she hurriedly hid her face in the nape of her fiance's neck as she composed herself. Steadying her shaky breathing, Alex hugged Olivia snugly against her chest, struggling to control her surging emotions while the brunette stood silent and almost stiff in her embrace.

It was only when Olivia shivered from the chill of water drying on her skin that Alex snapped back to reality and hurried to release her girlfriend. As Olivia dried herself distractedly, Alex fetched a set of flannel drawstring pants and a long sleeved t-shirt from the bedroom and offered them to Olivia. The brunette dressed quickly, turning her face away and moving furtively, almost ashamedly. And, with unusual docility, Olivia allowed Alex to take her hand and lead her from the bathroom.

Alex, already fighting exhaustion after a too long evening, stepped tiredly towards the inviting bed. She moved to stifle a yawn with her fingers but stopped short when Olivia's hand tightened on her own. Alex turned to face her girlfriend, a concerned frown creasing her brow but her expression softened as she looked into Olivia's eyes.

The brunette's expression was tense, her jaw set with exhaustion and her eyes long lidded. "Not yet, Alex," she whispered. "Let's just…" She trailed off and gestured vaguely towards the living room.

Alex smiled with genuine warmth mixed with heartbreak and she nodded, turning to lead Olivia down the hall. Clasping Olivia's hand in her own, Alex walked her to the sofa and eased her back onto the cushions. Olivia curled onto her side and Alex tucked an afghan around her shivering shoulders. She bent and pressed her lips to Olivia's cheek. "I'll be right back, darling," she whispered.

As Alex padded quickly back to the bedroom to change into more comfortable clothes, Olivia took the remote from the coffee table and began to flip channels. Though she had no interest in the television, the apartment's silence seemed to bear down on her oppressively. She just wanted some noise, some small distraction to keep her thoughts from wandering back to the night club or, worse, to her past abuse. Absentmindedly, she settled on one of the late night talk shows and dropped the remote back into its place. She let the voices and canned laughter wash over her, soothing her frayed emotions with jokes and quips she ignored. Only the soft tapping of Alex's stocking feet registered clearly and Olivia shifted to greet her fiancé with a wan smile.

Alex returned her smile more widely and she settled into the nook created by Olivia's curled body. She reached quickly to brush the hair from Olivia's temple before she pressed her lips just above her slightly swollen cheek. Straightening, she continued to gently stroke Olivia's hair for a long moment before holding the familiar vial of scented massage oil in the brunette's vision. Olivia's eyes flitted to meet Alex's as her expression melted into one of love and pain. "Alex, you don't…" she began.

"Shhh," Alex cooed. "I want to, darling. It'll make me feel better, really." Olivia held Alex's gaze for a long moment before closing her eyes softly and turning to rest her cheek against the pillow. Alex poured a few drops of lotion into her palms and rubbed her hands together. Slowly, she slipped her hands under the blanket and Olivia's shirt and ran them gently over the skin of Olivia's torso and belly. She skimmed her palms over Olivia's warm flesh, touching rather than massaging, aiming to physically express the love she felt for the sweet woman lying beneath her.

Withdrawing her touch, Alex drizzled more oil into her palms before taking Olivia's hand in both of her own. Tenderly, she ran her slick fingers over Olivia's knuckles and palm, pausing to pay gentle attention to her lover's bruised wrist as she worked her way towards Olivia's shoulder. She repeated her ministrations on Olivia's other arm before replacing them on the cushions and drawing the blanket up to Olivia's collarbone. As Alex rubbed and touched, Olivia shifted to grant her easier access and moaned in comfort and pleasure. Alex pressed a silent kiss to Olivia's palm as she paused for a moment to admire the contrast of her girlfriend's dark lashes shadowed against her cheeks and her heart swelled with love and pride. Olivia was the most beautiful woman Alex had ever met.

Moving gingerly so as not to disturb the resting woman, Alex shifted to sit at the end of the sofa. With a few extra drops of oil, Alex smoothed her palms over Olivia's long toed feet and slim calves. Alex chuckled softly to herself as her fingertips were tickled by the short stubble on the brunette's soft skin. She knew that Olivia would roll her eyes in frustration with Alex's humor at her unshaven legs but the blonde loved to tease her girlfriend about her five o'clock shadow. The unbidden image raised Alex's spirits and she ran her hands the length of Olivia's shin until she finished with a brief tickle to her toes, making the brunette squirm sleepily.

Tucking her legs onto the sofa, Alex eased toward the head of the couch, urging Olivia to shift forward. She slid smoothly behind her girlfriend until she rested her cheek on the pillow and her chin on the crown of Olivia's head. Stilling, Alex tugged the afghan to cover them both and snaked her arm to drape comfortably around Olivia's waist. Groaning tiredly, Olivia curled against Alex's warm presence and sighed. "Thanks, Alex," she whispered.

Alex merely hummed in response, tucking her fingers under her cheek and turning her attention to the inane chatter emanating softly from the television. She felt Olivia's breathing slow, her chest rising and falling peacefully in the blonde's embrace. Satisfied that Olivia was safe and comfortable, Alex let her own eyes close as the dim applause lulled her quickly to sleep.


	29. Chapter 29

Olivia lay under the thick covers, lazily watching clouds drift in the palely blue sky outside the window. Earlier, Alex had leaned down to press her lips to Olivia's and say goodbye. Today was the day Alex finally returned to work despite her protests to Olivia that she could take another week or two. But, determined to cram as much normalcy back into their lives as she could, Olivia insisted. So, while the sky was still dark, Alex had slunk groaning from the warm bed to dress in one of her conventional black suits, wrap her hair into a low bun, and kiss Olivia goodbye. The detective would have preferred a mutual goodbye as each of them went to her respective office, but, since that was still impossible, Olivia settled. Though now she had to decide what to do with the long hours that stretched before her. Resigning herself, she dragged herself from the bed and towards the shower. The day had to start somewhere.

Under the steaming spray, Olivia washed her hair slowly, thinking about what she should do with her day. A part of her just wanted to curl back up and doze the afternoon away. But a larger part insisted that she really do something with her time; she had spent too much time in beds and pajamas and her body ached for the motions of her old life. Rinsing the suds from her hair and skin, she flipped the tap closed and smiled to herself. Making dinner for Alex would be perfect. She hated feeling like such a burden to the blonde; tonight, Olivia would return the favor and dote over Alex. Rubbing the towel over her short hair, Olivia mentally planned her menu and felt her heart lift. Today would be a good day.

Olivia walked slowly through the aisles of the supermarket, pushing the cart in front of her and running her fingertips tenderly over mounds of potatoes and onions. Two filet mignon were already wrapped in white paper and safely in the cart and Olivia paused to decide on the perfect vegetables to complement the tender beef. Grin widening, her gaze settled on the small display of mushrooms. With a discerning eye, she chose a package of baby portabellas before continuing and adding a bunch of spinach and a sack of tiny, red-skinned potatoes. Chuckling to herself, Olivia hoped that Alex had not eaten a big lunch. On her way to check out, she picked up a bottle of cabernet; bold and heavy with tannins, it would round out the red meat and, hopefully, the evening.

Checking her watch, Olivia joined the cashier's line and tried to ignore the curious glances thrown her way. Flushed from the cold weather outside, she knew that the scars on her cheek and throat probably stood out brightly. Surprising even herself, Olivia felt her shoulders shake lightly with humor. If only they could see the rest, she thought to herself, then they would really have something to stare at.

With uncharacteristic patience, Olivia waited for the woman in front of her to pay in dollar bills and dimes before stepping up to the cashier and placing her purchases on the counter. The young cashier looked up at her, a suggestive smile on her face. "Hot date tonight?" she quipped.

Olivia laughed out loud. "I guess you could say something like that," she responded as she accepted each item and tucked it into the waiting paper bag. Handing over her payment, she hefted the bag into the crook of her elbow and held out her hand for her change. Pocketing the coins, she smiled at the cashier and flicked her head as if to toss a stray lock of hair away from her face. As she did so, the corner of her eye caught a glimpse of a familiar face and she turned back to get a better look.

Horror seeming to crystallize the very blood in her veins, Olivia recognized the man staring her down from the back of the cashier's line. It was him, O'Hara's partner, the one who had cut her and who they had never arrested. As she stared, his sallow face cracked into a wide, sneering grin and he raised his hand to wave as if they were old friends. His movement unfroze her body and, gulping back a wave of nausea, Olivia whipped around and hurried from the store.

In the empty apartment, Olivia had checked and re-checked all of the door's locks before finally dropping the groceries on the kitchen counter and pulling off her wet boots. Leaning heavily on the edge of the counter, Olivia pressed her free hand tightly against her eyes and sighed loudly. She tried to pull the image of his face in the grocery store into her mind's eye but failed; she remembered only his evil grin and brief wave. Standing up straight, she ran her fingers through her hair and let the rational side of her mind speak. There was no way it was him, she thought. Pull it together, Olivia, she insisted. You're nervous on your own and you're letting your imagination run wild. Sighing again, Olivia shivered and padded to the bedroom for a set of warmer clothes. As she changed, she continued to berate herself, deciding that it had been some stranger with an unfortunate resemblance. Though, as she tugged the heavy turtleneck over her head, a small voice continued to whisper that her torturer was back.

Olivia was standing at the stove stirring the rapidly wilting spinach, still shivering even in the steamy kitchen, when a bang and a curse at the door startled her. Heart racing, she edged into the hallway and shouted. "Who's there?"

"Darling, it's me. Take off the chain and let me in!"

Heaving a relieved sigh, Olivia hurried to undo the chain and open the door to welcome Alex home. Alex brushed past Olivia, setting her briefcase on the floor and hanging her coat in the closet before turning and gathering the quiet brunette into her arms. "Hi, Liv," she murmured against Olivia's hair. "Did you miss me?" Alex leaned back to smile brightly down at her girlfriend. But, as she took in Olivia's pale expression, her smile faded. "Liv, are you alright?"

Remembering herself, Olivia flinched and met Alex's eyes, nodding. "Of course, Alex. I was just making dinner. Would you open the wine?" Alex stared for a moment as Olivia stiffly turned away and walked back to the kitchen before following. She pulled the cork from the bottle with a pop as she watched Olivia lift the steaks from the pan and set them carefully on two plates. Alex poured as Olivia finished with the spinach, mushrooms and steaming, garlicky potatoes, though, as she worked, she avoided Alex's gaze.

With a jerk of her shoulder, Olivia gestured for Alex to join her as she set the plates carefully onto the small dinette. Silently, Alex followed with the wine. She sensed that something was not right but she also trusted Olivia to speak when she was ready. Forks and knives clinking softly against the porcelain, they began to eat in silence, the quiet broken only by Alex's heartfelt compliments of Olivia's skill. Truly, the woman was a magician in the kitchen.

Taking a long sip of her wine, Alex closed her eyes briefly at the intense flavor before looking at the quiet brunette and reaching her hand across the table. Slowly, Olivia lowered her hand to rest in Alex's and returned her look. "Olivia, tell me what's wrong," Alex murmured. Her brows knit together as she noticed Olivia's quickly lowered eyes and her hand's flinch. But, out of respect and love, she waited for Olivia to answer without any further prodding.

Finally, Olivia took a deep breath and looked up at the concerned blonde. "Alex, I …" she paused to frown deeply. "I thought I saw … him," she said quietly.

"Olivia, do you mean O'Hara? He's in Rikers. He can't get…" Alex abruptly stopped as Olivia squeezed her hand and a gravelly sensation of panic rose in her throat. "You mean the other man, the one they never caught. The one that …" Again, she stopped short as her voice seemed to catch.

Olivia quickly leaned towards Alex, reaching to grasp her other hand. "Alex, I only thought I saw him. I mean, I saw someone who looked like him, in the grocery store. I'm sure it was nothing, just my mind playing tricks on me." She paused to blink back a tear that stung her eye. With a last squeeze, Olivia released Alex's hands and withdrew her own to lie on her lap. "Please, Alex. I shouldn't have said anything. Finish your meal; I wanted to do something special for you."

With effort, Alex swallowed the sudden fear that had tightened her chest for Olivia's sake. The brunette was obviously upset. Alex believed her, believed that she had possibly seen one of the men who had inflicted inhuman pain on her. But for the moment, they were both safe and warm and Alex just wanted to enjoy the meal Olivia had cooked and the presence of her dark-haired girlfriend. She would deal with the possibility that the man who had mutilated Olivia was still on the loose in the morning. For now, she would comfort and reassure the brunette. She would simply finish the steak and the wine, hold Olivia's trembling hand, and press kisses to her temple.

Alex slid her briefcase onto her desk and immediately picked up the receiver of her office phone to dial Elliot's number. She frowned as it rang, rapping her fingernails tensely against the reddish mahogany. Olivia's soft voice echoed in the blonde's ears; she had seen one of her torturers. Olivia had tried to play her worries down and claim that it was a trick of her senses, but Alex wasn't so quick to write it off. Olivia was a detective. She was trained to remember faces and to have a steady eye. Alex was sure that that devil had been in the supermarket, whoever he was.

"Stabler," Elliot barked and Alex let her fingers cease their impatient tapping.

"Elliot, it's Alex. I need to talk to you about Olivia." She meant to continue but Elliot's urgent voice interrupted her speech.

"Liv? Alex, is she alright?"

"Yes, she's alright. But she thinks she may have seen O'Hara's partner, the one they never arrested. She was picking up groceries at the SaveMart on 67th and he was waiting in line behind her. She said he recognized her."

"Listen, Alex. This guy's still on the loose and he's seen Olivia. Tell her to stay at home while I try to find out what the detectives on her case know about him. I'll call you back."

Alex opened her mouth to thank him and say goodbye but the line had already gone dead. Silently, she dropped the receiver back into its cradle and snapped open her briefcase. As she lifted a stack of neat files to spread on her desk, she quietly gave thanks for Elliot's and Olivia's friendship. She knew Elliot would stop at nothing to keep his friend safe.


	30. Chapter 30

Shrugging her leather coat over her shoulders, Olivia paused to drop her keys into a pocket and pick up her cane. On impulse, she flipped her cell phone open and was surprised to have missed a call from Alex. She held the phone to her ear, smiling as she waited to hear what sweet nothings Alex had murmured into her voice mail. She was disappointed to hear only business and urgency in the blonde's tone. "Liv, it's me. I want you to stay at home today. I'll pick up some dinner on the way home, so don't worry about it. I'm just nervous about yesterday." She paused. "Olivia, I'll see you tonight. I love you. Bye."

Frowning, Olivia snapped the phone shut but held it in her hand, staring at it for a long moment. She turned back to look at the living room. She loved this apartment and her life here, but she had spent too long confined to the sofa or the bed. It was time for her to go outside and breathe fresh air. Letting her frown relax, she dropped the phone back onto the table in the foyer and stepped into the hall, closing the door firmly behind her.

Elliot dialed the number from the NYPD directory with furious jabs, impatiently waiting with pen in hand to be connected to Detective Mallory of the two-three. He was familiar enough with Mallory to know that he was a good homicide detective, but lacked the experience and tenacity to deal with live victims. Elliot wished that he had been allowed to investigate Olivia's case; he would never have stopped searching until all of the men who had inflicted such unspeakable torment on his dear friend were behind bars. Or dead. A grim smile stretched Elliot's lips as the phone rang in his ear.

"Homicide, Mallory."

"Detective Mallory, this is Elliot Stabler from Manhattan SVU."

"Yes, Detective Stabler. How's Detective Benson?"

"That's why I'm calling. She reported seeing one of her kidnappers on 67th yesterday afternoon. I need to know what you've got on this guy." Elliot kept his voice even. You caught more flies with honey than with vinegar.

"Oh, you mean what's-his-name's partner? Let me see. Just a minute, I'll get the file." The line went dead momentarily and Elliot rubbed his eyes with one hand. He yearned to drive over to the two-three and take the file himself. The guys in homicide simply didn't have enough manpower to handle a case like this; in their eyes, no matter what the bastard had done, he still hadn't killed anybody.

Finally, Mallory's voice rumbled through the telephone line. "Alright, looks like we've got an ID but not much else. The name's Harold Rosenfeld. No family, no employer, no address. Wait, looks like he was a bank teller in Boston, Wells Fargo branch. But he left that job more than a year ago. That's all we've got. We just don't have the resources…"

Nodding and scribbling on his pad, Elliot broke in. "I know, I know. You've got a picture? Right, fax it over here and I'll see what I can dig up."

Reluctantly but with a hint of relief, Mallory agreed to fax the photograph before protesting mildly. "Detective, you know you're not…"

"Don't worry about it, Mallory. I'll get back to you," Elliot said hurriedly before abruptly ending the call. Buttoning his jacket, he stopped to pick up the faxed photograph before striding from the precinct. One P.P. be damned. Elliot was going to hit the streets and track this bastard down.

Olivia walked slowly along Central Park South, stretching her legs and enjoying the cold sunshine on her skin. Her knees ached with every step but she ignored the pain, preferring to continue her walk though she did concede to the use of her cane. Leaning on it eased the ache and, as she limped along the sidewalk, she noticed that stranger's eyes glanced at it rather than the scars on her face and she was grateful. Though she held her head high, the stares made her skin crawl as unbidden images of what they might be thinking sprung to her mind.

Shaking her head to clear it, Olivia turned the corner to begin her long walk back to the apartment. She thought of stopping to pick up a movie for her and Alex to enjoy. But that pleasant thought was soon forgotten as the uncomfortable sensation of eyes boring into her back made her uneasy. Trying to act casually, she glanced around her, searching for the familiar but unwelcome face but she saw only crowds of hurrying strangers. Shivering, Olivia shoved her free hand deep into her coat pocket and continued walking.

The sun was rapidly setting behind Manhattan's tall buildings, throwing long and jagged shadows, as Olivia rounded a corner only three blocks from her building. The disconcerting sensation of being watched, of being stalked, had stayed with her since she first felt it and she was becoming distinctly anxious. As the darkness fell and the air cooled to bitter temperatures, the sidewalks began to empty. Soon, Olivia was nearly alone on the shadowy sidewalk. Her nerves prickled and she picked up her pace, wanting to be home with Alex more than anything.

The brightly lit entrance to her apartment building brightened the sidewalk on the next block. Olivia glanced around as she walked, intent on making it to that glowing door. Faintly, the sound of footsteps crunching on the snow and gravel reached her ears and she hunched her shoulders as she limped even faster. The steps grew louder, nearer, and she glimpsed the edge of a shadow quickly approaching from behind. As she reached the edge of the light spilling from inside her building, Olivia gathered her courage and whirled to confront her stalker. Eyes wide, she froze as she met his eyes. Her eyes. A woman was walking briskly towards her, a briefcase clutched tightly in one hand. As she entered the square of light, Olivia felt her knees go weak. It was Alex.

Olivia fell into Alex's surprised embrace, practically collapsing into the blonde's strong arms. "Olivia," Alex spluttered, her breath misting in the chilly air. "What's wrong, Liv?"

The brunette simply laughed exhaustedly, her lips against Alex's fresh-smelling hair and her knees gradually strengthening under her, though her laugh sounded more like a sob. Laughing harder and harder, Olivia gently pulled herself from Alex's arms and stepped back so the blonde could unlock the door. Alex moved slowly, still concerned about Olivia's strange behavior and keeping a watchful eye on the brunette.

Between waves of slightly hysterical laughter and gasps for breath, Olivia finally answered her girlfriend. "Alex," she gasped. "Alex, I'm fine." Shoulders still shaking, Olivia followed Alex into the warm and bright building. As the door shut securely behind them, Olivia laughed one last time before catching her breath. It was nothing, she thought, just your own paranoia and too many movies.


	31. Chapter 31

Olivia burst noisily through the apartment door, laughing with Alex as the blonde waggled her hips in clumsy imitation of the graceful dancers whose performances they had enjoyed earlier. Alex had surprised her fiancé by coming home early in the evening and whisking Olivia hurriedly out of the apartment with mirth glinting in her blue eyes. To Olivia's pleasure, Alex escorted her to the Lebanese restaurant at which they had had one of their first dates. Seated on luxuriously cushioned benches, the two women had first held hands more than two years before. Since that night, they had not returned to Nafisa's, but the memory of first caressing Olivia's hand was one that Alex cherished.

Inspired and hoping to distract Olivia from her near constant worry about Harold Rosenfeld's whereabouts, Alex had made a reservation for the very same corner table where they had shared a meal so long ago. Though the brunette tried to suppress her anxiety through denial and almost reckless bravery, Alex still noticed her creased brow and tense jaw and she worried about her tough detective. The stress was slowly stripping away the progress the brunette had made with regular eating and sleeping through the night; she was losing weight and Alex had woken many times to find Olivia pacing in the apartment's dark living room. Alex just wanted to give her girlfriend a pleasant break from her overwhelming nerves.

Once the cab pulled up to the curb just in front of Nafisa's, Alex had watched Olivia's drawn face and was gratified when her lover's expression relaxed into one of pleasurable anticipation. Olivia stood on the sidewalk, waiting for Alex to pay the driver before she took one of the blonde's hands in her own. Smiling, Alex held the door for her and followed as the waitress led them to the familiar table. Alex sat close to Olivia, letting her thigh brush against the brunette's and entwining their fingers as she waved away the menus. Instead she requested the dishes she knew Olivia loved: shish taouk with garlic sauce, Lebanese pickles, homemade dolmas and a bottle of Chateau Musar. After the waitress left, Alex leaned to murmur in Olivia's ear. "They have entertainment tonight, Liv. I thought we might enjoy it." Olivia turned to face Alex, her eyebrow cocked, but her attention was soon diverted by the dimming lights and sudden music.

Three women sashayed into the dining room, clothed only in sparkling jewelry and flowing costumes of brightly colored silk. In time to the rhythmic drumming, the dancers shook their hips, stretched their graceful arms and tossed their wild, dark hair. After a few long moments, tearing her gaze away from the mesmerizing dance, Olivia again turned to Alex and gave her a lengthy, tender look. On impulse, Olivia darted to press her lips chastely against the blonde's. Pulling back, Olivia grinned wryly. "They didn't have dancers the last time we were here."

In the cab, as they were driven back to their apartment, the two women could hardly keep their hands and lips off of each other despite the irritated glances their driver threw in his rear view mirror. Olivia tossed her head back in laughter, the flashing headlights of passing cars flickering across the pale skin of her throat, and Alex leaned to kiss the exposed flesh. Olivia was more relaxed than she had been since seeing her attacker in the grocery store and Alex followed her lead, letting satiation and Olivia's infectious humor warm her.

They stumbled from the cab and into the elevator, giggling and clutching each other close as they made their way to the apartment. Olivia struggled to open the locked door as Alex teased her about how sexy she would look in a bellydancer's costume and fumbled with the buttons of the brunette's jacket. Finally, she managed to turn the key and they practically fell into the apartment. Olivia reached to flip the light switch, Alex's body pressed against hers, but instead pain exploded in her throat.

Olivia collapsed, fingers tearing at the collar of her jacket as she strained to draw breath through her crushed throat. Through her panic and pain, she whipped her gaze to Alex just in time to see the blonde yanked into the apartment and the flash of a weapon crashing against her skull. Alex dropped instantly, her tall form folding under her as she fell to the floor. Olivia tried to call out to her but only managed a whisper and a fit of choking coughs. Suddenly, light flooded the foyer and Olivia squinted against the sudden brightness only to recoil in horror; silhouetted against the light, Harold Rosenfeld's thin form loomed over her.

For a split second, Olivia's mind went blank with terror, her senses overloaded by intense memories of what this man had done to her. But, as her body remembered her training, she collected herself and lunged towards him. He wasn't a very large or strong man; if she could just take him down, she could probably overpower him. Just before her hands reached his legs, however, the baseball bat he still held connected with her cheek and again she crashed to the floor. The steely sound of a pistol being cocked rang in her ears and Olivia froze in place, bringing her eyes up to gaze at her captor. In his outstretched hand, he held a pistol aimed at Alex's unmoving form. "Try that again, Olivia," he hissed. "And I'll take great pleasure in ridding the world of yet another sinful woman. Now, get up."

Legs shaking, still struggling for air, Olivia achingly climbed to her feet and obeyed his commands. The gun still pointed at Alex's head, Olivia dragged her girlfriend towards the bathroom, handling her as gently as possible. Though her heart screamed for her to resist, Olivia complied with Rosenfeld's barked directions as images of Alex's blood and bullet-splintered bone flashed in her mind's eye. She could never risk the love of her life getting hurt. Alex had given her so much and protection was the least Olivia could give back.

Tears stinging her eyes, Olivia accepted the handcuffs Rosenfeld thrust at her and secured Alex's wrists just below the tank of the toilet on which Olivia had propped her unconscious body. With shaking hands, Olivia ratcheted the cuffs closed, praying that Rosenfeld wouldn't notice their looseness. Maybe Alex would be able to escape, even if Olivia could not. That thought gave Olivia a small glimmer of hope as she turned back to face her once again captor.

At his order, she knelt and squeezed her eyes closed, her hands held stiffly behind her back. She knew he still had the gun and the power and she tried her best to maintain her composure and prepare herself. Rosenfeld moved quickly behind her and a second set of cold metal cuffs were soon tightly locked around her wrists. Another pair were forced around her ankles, the metal bracelets made for slimmer wrists, their edges biting viciously into her tendons and bones. The chains of the two pairs of handcuffs were intertwined, essentially hogtieing the trembling woman. With a burst of surprising strength, Harold Rosenfeld's hands gripped Olivia's upper arms and heaved her to lie on her back, limbs trapped under her, in the empty bathtub.

Grinning evilly, the weasely man climbed in to loom over her prone body. "Olivia, I really wish you hadn't let those doctors undo all the work I did to make you beautiful. It's a shame that I had to come back and fix it." Pulling a long knife from a sheath at his belt, Rosenfeld began to slice away her pants and toss the scraps away. Olivia's trembling increased in intensity and she tried to talk to him, to convince him to leave them alone, but her voice was little more than a breath of gravelly whisper. Her eyes were wide and fixed on her attacker as he lowered himself to kneel at the end of the tub and pulled a scalpel from a pouch at his belt. When the bathroom light glinted off the razor-sharp edge of the steel blade, Olivia's strength broke and she fought against her bonds, writhing in a desperate attempt to escape. However, once again, the steely noise of a cocked gun stopped her struggles as the pistol was pointed at Alex's still form. "Uh-uh, Olivia. You fight and she dies." Finally letting the stinging tears come, Olivia forced herself to remain still. For Alex, she thought, for Alex.

The fiery agony of the blade slicing through her already abused, tender flesh made her eyes roll wildly and her cries of pain emerged from her throat as whispered screams and coughs. The small noises of pleasure and satisfaction from her torturer echoed unrealistically loudly in the small bathroom and filled Olivia with helpless revulsion. The wet slaps of severed bits of flesh – her flesh – dropped into the rapidly pooling blood in the bottom of the tub made Olivia's stomach roll violently and she retched feebly. A small, unnervingly clear voice in her overwhelmed mind whispered that if she vomited, maybe she would choke and be free of torture forever.

Fingers clutching at her tightly clenched jaw jerked her from her horrifying thoughts and back into her terrible reality. She opened her eyes only to meet Rosenfeld's squinted, watery blue gaze. "Now, Olivia, you're all fixed again. But I think you deserve a little punishment to help you learn your lesson." She strained to turn her face away but his hands were too strong and his fingers worked to curl over her teeth and wrench her jaw wide. The flash of a long steel needle in his free hand was enough to inspire a second, vigorous burst of struggle and Olivia writhed with all of her strength, ignoring the sickening pain from between her legs. But her struggles were to no avail, bound as she was, and soon pain exploded in her mind as the needle was shoved deeply into her gums.

Olivia gasped frantically for panicked breaths between her soundless screams and moans as a second needle and then a third were inserted into her bloody gums. Soon, her mouth was a cage of overlapping steel and she choked on the blood dripping back into her throat. Her mind was blank, her thoughts black with wordless panic and anguish and she gave up her struggle for freedom and let her head loll limply against the blood splattered porcelain. As if she was listening through a fog of cotton, Olivia heard a burst of gunfire and her last thought was of Alex before Olivia finally lapsed into blessed blackness. She had obeyed and he had killed Alex anyway. And it was Olivia's fault.

Fin let himself in Alex and Olivia's building with the key he swiped from Elliot's desk. He knew that the detective was grinding his teeth over the search for Rosenfeld and, after three days, Captain Cragen had finally ordered Elliot to go home and take a day off. So, though Fin wanted to drop in on Alex and Olivia, he didn't bring up his plans with the exhausted man; Fin knew that Elliot would only worry more.

The two detectives had been investigating Harold Rosenfeld's whereabouts for several days with no new leads. But for the tapes documenting his abuse of Olivia, it was as if the man was a ghost. Not a single employer, address or family member popped up during their search. Knowing that Olivia was anxiously awaiting any new information and that the normally fearless woman was silently frightened of leaving the apartment, Fin decided that he would prefer stopping by in person as opposed to giving them a call. And besides, checking up on how the women were coping would put his slowly growing nerves to rest.

Fin swaggered down the hall, mentally scanning the faces in the lobby and elevator for the disgusting face of the man he was hunting but he recognized no one. So he arrived at the familiar apartment door and raised his hand to knock when a shriek from inside the apartment froze him in place. His hand whipped to grasp his Glock and yank it from the holster at his waist. All of his instincts screaming for haste, he quickly tried the door's handle and grunted a grateful prayer as it turned and the door swung open. Weapon pointed along his line of sight, Fin began silently moving through the dark apartment checking each room carefully as he moved towards the bedroom.

As he crept into the bedroom, he saw the glowing light from under the closed bathroom door and the sobbing of a woman's voice rang in his ears. Gun still raised, Fin rested his hand on the doorknob for a split second before turning his wrist and whipping the door open, shouting to announce his presence. The sight that met his eyes momentarily stunned him into silence.

Blood was splattered over the bathroom's walls and counter, standing out violently against the pale colors. Alex knelt on the rug, bent over the bloody bath tub, her mouth wide in a choked off cry for help and her eyes staring with horror at Fin's shocked expression. Near her, crumpled on the tile and unmoving, laid the body of a lanky blonde man. Fin's stunned mind slowly processed the information; it was Rosenfeld and, from the look of things, he was dead. With practiced movements, Fin dropped to one knee to feel for a pulse in Rosenfeld's wrist but felt nothing. Only then, sure that the perp was already dead, did he truly realize the extent of the horror in the bathroom.

Olivia was also still, too still, and she lay folded in the red-streaked bathtub with her pale, grief-stricken girlfriend frantically crouched over her. For the second time that evening, Fin scrambled to feel for a pulse, near panic and desperate worry fueling his jerky movements. After a breath of cold panic, warmth rushed back into Fin's body and mind when he felt the pulse still beating in the hollow of his friend's jaw. Ripping a towel from the nearby bar, he thrust it into Alex's trembling hands so that she could cover Olivia's exposed body. He snatched his radio and called for an ambulance and a squad car, practically growling his requests to the dispatcher and repeating that the victim was a fellow police officer. Finally, receiving confirmation that help was on route, Fin slapped the radio back onto his belt and turned to Alex. Taking in her gray pallor and trembling form, he gripped her upper arm for reassurance. "Alex," he spoke, his voice low and gravelly. "What happened?"


	32. Chapter 32

Fin stopped his car in a parking space along the curb, only a few yards from Alex and Olivia's building before turning to look over his shoulder at Alex and her silent girlfriend. The blonde met his eyes briefly before bending her head back to Olivia's downcast gaze. Fin jumped out and hurried to open the car's back door to help the women out. Alex emerged first before bending to reach back to help her girlfriend gingerly step onto the sidewalk. As the blonde began to slowly walk Olivia towards the building, her arm securely wrapped around the injured woman's waist, Fin locked the car and hefted the plastic sack of medications and other supplies.

Silently and slowly, Fin escorted his friends to their apartment, holding the door for them and following them into the dark apartment. Alex guided Olivia to the bedroom and Fin took it upon himself to double check the new locks on the door and windows. During the night he, Alex and Olivia spent in the hospital, the crime scene unit had come and gone and predictably left the apartment a mess. Thankfully, however, the blood was gone from the bathroom and, as the victim was one of their own, the locks were already replaced. Fin gave thanks for small miracles.

Alex clutched Olivia's unresponsive form tightly against her own body as she walked her girlfriend towards the bedroom. She just wanted to get Olivia cleaned up and into some warmer, soft clothes. She guided Olivia to sit on the bed, making sure the brunette was steady before Alex rose to her feet to grab a set of fresh pajamas, a towel and several packets with pre-wet washing clothes. Alex sat gently at Olivia's side, tugging the detective's shirtsleeves over her hands. Quickly, the blonde ran the soapy cloth over Olivia's exposed skin before drying her tenderly with the towel and easing the baggy t-shirt over her dark head. As Alex worked, Olivia kept her eyes downcast and her body still except for her uncontrollable trembling and waves of shivering. Keeping her touches slow and loving, Alex finished dressing her girlfriend warmly, pulling socks over her icy feet and tying the drawstring of her flannel pants securely.

Helping Olivia up, Alex moved to pull down the bedcovers so that she could ease the brunette to lie on the bed but Olivia's sudden movement stilled her hands. The brunette kept her face turned away from Alex's as she stepped unsteadily towards the living room. Alex was quick to follow, resting her fingers gently but supportively around Olivia's waist as the brunette padded slowly down the hall. With ginger steps to avoid jarring her mangled and bandaged flesh, Olivia crossed to the sofa and achingly sank onto the cushions and drew her legs up until her feet were tucked under her.

Similarly quiet, Alex sat softly near her girlfriend, tucking her arm around the silent woman's shoulders to offer her comfort. Slowly, with trembling movements, Olivia turned to rest her bent knees on Alex's thigh. She leaned to rest her right cheek on Alex's shoulder. Wordlessly, she snaked her left hand across the blonde's body to grasp at her hip in an almost desperate gesture and curled her right hand tightly against her own stomach. Heart breaking, Alex reached to cradle Olivia's cheek and press her girlfriend's temple more tightly against her shoulder. She only wanted to hold Olivia and try to silently extend her love to the suffering brunette.

Fin watched the women's movements from his stance across the living room. This silent, somber woman was not the wildly passionate detective he considered a close friend. Grimly, he thanked God that Rosenfeld was dead; he was unsure whether Olivia could endure a second trial. The thought brought up the too fresh memories of his fateful trip to visit his friends.

He remembered the intense fear and nausea that burst in the depths of his spirit when the gunshot echoed through the dark apartment. Fearing the worst, he had burst into the small bathroom only to find Alex kneeling and distraught, hands stained with gray and blood and with a set of handcuffs dangling from one wrist. Though he had shoved aside all questions regarding the scene before him, instead turning his full attention to calling for help, Fin had broached the topic with Alex during their overnight stay at the hospital.

With a distinct lack of affect, Alex quietly recounted the events. She remembered blinking against the too bright lights and a splitting headache as she came to after being knocked unconscious. Blinking, Alex had taken in the sight before her. A strange man kneeling over her beloved fiancé; Olivia screaming with stark agony but without sound. The gun resting unattended on the edge of the bathtub caught her eye. Hoping against hope, Alex tugged at the metal cuffs binding her in place and, with a silent gasp of relief, found they were only loosely closed. Careful to avoid making a sudden movement or sound, she extracted her right hand from the metal bracelet and reached for the gun. Once the heavy weapon was securely in her grasp, Alex had growled for Rosenfeld to stop. He had jerked up in surprise before two slugs caught him in the chest and he dropped. In horror, Alex flung the gun away and turned to Olivia's slack body only to be mercifully interrupted by Fin's shouting entrance.

Pushing the terrible images from his mind, Fin bent and tugged open the dryer door. Blinking against the sudden burst of warm air, Fin bundled the heavy blanket in his arms before carrying it briskly towards the living room. Scuffing his shoes along the carpet so as to alert the women of his movements, Fin approached them and, tenderly, he spread the warm blanket over Olivia's visibly shaking body. He avoided touching Olivia directly; his years with SVU had taught him that. But as he backed away and allowed Alex to tuck the blanket more tightly around the unresponsive woman, he spoke reassuringly.

"I used to do this for my wife when she didn't feel well," he said softly. "She always said it made her feel better." As he spoke, Alex smiled sadly at him and murmured her thanks. She was glad Fin had come with them. Olivia's silence and stillness frightened her but Fin's quiet strength helped calm and ground her. Once the blanket was snugly wrapped around the shivering brunette, Alex returned her hand its former location, tenderly caressing Olivia's cheek as the detective pressed her temple against Alex's shoulder. Olivia was clearly too shaken to engage with Alex, Fin or anyone else, so, for now, Alex would hold her safe and warm in her arms. She would do so for as long as it took.

Alex eased silently from the bed, squinting against the bright spring sunlight streaming through the open curtains. Careful not to wake Olivia, she tugged the curtains closed to darken the room before padding into the living room. She needed coffee; her head felt like it was splitting open. She pulled the door closed behind her and turned, a smile brightening her face as soft clinking noises and an inviting aroma reached her sleep-dulled senses. As if on command, Fin walked somberly out of the kitchen, two steaming mugs of coffee gripped carefully in his hands.

He handed the sleepy blonde one of the mugs with a tired smile as he sank on to the sofa and rubbed his eyes. Alex joined him, letting her body sink back into the cushions as she breathed in the comforting scent of her coffee. They both sipped in silence for a moment, gradually adjusting to the morning's brightness after the hell of the past forty-eight hours. Finally, Fin broke the quietness.

"How did she sleep?" he asked, voice gravelly with emotional exhaustion.

Alex sighed into her mug. "Soundly. She actually agreed to take one of the pain pills the doctor gave us and it knocked her out. But I didn't sleep a wink."

Fin chuckled gruffly, the sound harsh and joyless. "I hear that. You two should really consider a longer couch." Alex laughed softly before returning gratefully to her cooling coffee. They quietly drank and took comfort in the company until they both started at a brisk rap at the apartment door.

Sliding his mug quickly onto the coffee table, Fin leapt to his feet, his cop instincts buzzing through his forgotten tiredness. Alertly, he approached the door and peered warily through the peephole. As Alex watched tensely, Fin's posture relaxed and he flipped the deadbolt open. Glancing at Alex, he pulled the door open as he barked, "Huang."

Alex breathed a sigh of relief as George Huang stepped calmly into the quiet apartment. "Alex, Fin, I thought I'd come by to check on how you were doing and see if you wanted to talk." He paused for a moment and Alex hurried to invite him to sit and have a cup of coffee. He accepted, following the blonde into the kitchen and taking a seat at the dining table.

As she poured the coffee, filling Huang's mug and freshening her own, she spoke quietly. "Olivia's still asleep, George, but I'm worried. She's hardly spoken a word or even responded since … since … Well, it's like she's just not there." Her voice quavered with emotion and Huang moved to cover her hand with his as she sat.

"Alex, you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and on Olivia. She's suffered some terrible things in the past few months and I know you want to help her through them, but she needs time. And so do you. Olivia is not the only one feeling pain right now. I'm guessing that you feel guilty that you couldn't save her when Rosenfeld ambushed her, but she's not the only one who got hurt. And you have to accept that you couldn't have done anything more than what you did. Alex, you probably saved her life."

Alex let his words and soothing voice wash over her as she let her head sink down until her forehead rested on her arm. A gentle hand came to rest on her shoulder and she lifted her gaze to meet Fin's concerned expression. "He's right, Alex. Just give her some time. She'll come back." Alex sighed sorrowfully and slowly straightened in her seat, reaching to take a long, comforting drink. As she moved to replace her mug on the table, a second knock at the door startled them all. This time, however, the knock increased in intensity until it sounded as if someone was trying to break down the door.

Again, Fin rushed to press his eye warily to the peephole before backing away and turning the handle. The door had barely opened before a meaty arm shoved it wide. Breathless and fuming, Elliot burst into the apartment and looked from one stunned face to the next. Growling, he focused his furious attention on Fin. "Why didn't you tell me, Fin?" he spat. Fin held his ground, returning Elliot's stare for a long moment, his expression set but calm. Finally, Elliot huffed angrily and turned to Alex.

"How is she?" he asked quietly though, from the reddening of his skin, he clearly fought to maintain control over his temper. Stepping back from the tall man, Alex met his gaze with a mixture of ice and compassion. Laying her palm against the wall for steadiness, she started to answer when a movement and soft words stopped her short.

Olivia stood stiffly in the bedroom door, her expression painfully tense and her dark eyes wide. "Please stop," she rasped with a note of desperation. Her voice was so soft they could hardly hear her even in the momentary stunned silence. The swelling around her vocal chords hadn't yet receded enough for her husky voice to be louder than a hoarse whisper. Regaining himself quickly, Elliot took a step towards his friend, hands outstretched. His breath caught in his chest as he took in her bruised throat, swollen lips and deathly pale skin and he cringed inwardly as she shrunk away. She raised her free hand defensively and nearly tripped feebly over her cane. "Please don't … please don't hurt her," she ground out breathlessly.

Elliot stopped in his tracks, his expression twisting into one of worry and confusion. He stared at Olivia for a long moment before turning to Alex questioningly. Jerkily, her eyes flicking to Elliot and back again to Olivia, Alex stepped cautiously towards her girlfriend. Mimicking Elliot, she held out her hands, palms up, in a gesture of calm encouragement. "Liv," she murmured. "It's alright. I'm fine, they're not hurting me." She continued to step slowly towards Olivia, letting her breath slowly out as she came within reach of the trembling woman. Suddenly, Olivia's arm shot out. She grasped Alex's wrist and jerked, pulling the blonde behind her with frightened movements.

Alex gasped at Olivia's unexpected vigor and she stumbled into the bedroom. Olivia turned back to the men before her and repeated her plea. "Don't touch her. Please don't hurt Alex." Noting Olivia's flat expression and shallow breathing, George took a slow step forward as Alex moved to stand cautiously just behind her girlfriend.

"Olivia, calm down and look at me," Huang said gently. "It's just me, Elliot and Fin. We wouldn't hurt you or Alex. We're your friends." As he spoke, he eased forward, his movements so gradual as to be nearly imperceptible. Olivia watched him warily, terror widening her eyes, though no sign of recognition softened her stiff expression. Finally, he stood just out of arm's reach. Watching her carefully, he slowly reached out his hand, not to touch her, but to guide her towards the sofa. As soon as he lifted his arm, however, Olivia jerked away in a panic. She stepped sideways but, in her fright, caught her foot on her cane and fell hard to her knees. The pain intensified her fear and she struggled to scrabble away, stopping only when her back met the solidness of an armchair. Breathing heavily, she drew her knees protectively to her chest and stared blankly in terror at her frightened friends.

Heart breaking, Alex fell to her knees and practically crawled toward her stricken lover as tears began to well in her blue eyes. Her voice broke as she began to coax Olivia to calm down. "Darling, you're okay. Just calm down. Please, Liv. Take a … take a deep breath…" She fell silent as Olivia reached to touch Alex tenderly on her shoulder.

"I won't let them hurt you again, Alex. I'm so sorry," she whispered harshly before pausing to cough violently. Suddenly, Olivia's fingers tightened almost painfully around Alex's arm and the blonde noticed her girlfriend's unfocused, dark eyes staring over her shoulder. Alex turned and noticed that the men had stepped a fraction closer to the crouched women. She quickly turned her attention back to Olivia and watched her sorrowfully as the brunette jaw trembled and she drew her knees more tightly against her chest.

"Stay away from her," the brunette growled uncertainly. "I'll do anything. Just don't…" Her already broken voice cracked as she begged and her hands began to shake wildly. Scooting closer, Alex rested on her knees and brought her hands up to soothingly cup Olivia's cheeks. She rubbed the pads of her thumbs over Olivia's cheekbones as she looked directly into her frightened, brown eyes.

"Liv, look at me," she said as calmly as she could. "Look at me. I'm not hurt, I'm fine. We're safe here." As she spoke, her heart lifted and Olivia let her gaze settle on the blonde's. Gradually, recognition and confusion dawned on her expression and her stiffened jaw relaxed a fraction.

"Alex, I … I …" she stuttered quietly, her eyes flicking up to her concerned friends and back to Alex's steady blue eyes. The blonde shushed her gently and continued to rub her cheekbones lovingly for a long moment. Finally, she lowered her hands and stood, reaching out to help Olivia stand gingerly on her bruised knees. Holding both of the brunette's hands in her own, Alex led her slowly back into the bedroom.

As they moved, the men backed slowly towards the kitchen, unwilling to frighten their injured colleague any further or invade on the women's intimacy. Alex eased her shaken lover to sit back on the bed before guiding to lie against the pillows. Sighing with emotional exhaustion, Olivia stiffly curled onto her side as Alex shook a pill into her palm and lifted the glass of water from the bedside table. She watched sadly as Olivia accepted the pain medication without resistance and swallowed it silently. Alex drew the comforter up over Olivia's shoulders and leaned to kiss her girlfriend's cheek tenderly. She moved away but stopped when Olivia reached out for her. "Please stay with me," she whispered pleadingly.

"Of course, my darling," Alex murmured, continuing along her path around the foot of the bed. She sat on the edge of the mattress before curling against the pillows facing her fiancé. Breathing slowly and calmly, Alex rested her hand over Olivia's slack fingers to warm them. For a moment, they rested quietly as the blonde watched Olivia's eyes drift softly closed.

Taking a deep breath, Olivia sighed and whispered, "I'm so sorry, Alex."

"Shhhh," Alex responded sadly. "You don't have anything to be sorry for, Liv. Now, try to relax and go back to sleep, honey." Olivia sighed again and let her body relax under the warm comforter. Finally, her breathing evened and her face became peacefully slack. Carefully, so as to avoid interrupting her girlfriend's few pain-free moments, Alex rose from the bed to return to their friends waiting in the kitchen. They were some of her and Olivia's strongest and most loving sources of support and Alex needed them and thanked God for their friendship. And now, sure that Olivia was safe and serenely resting, she wanted to lean on their shoulders for a little while and regain her strength. She knew that she would need it to help Olivia through this horrible ordeal.


	33. Chapter 33

Alex brushed her teeth absentmindedly, staring at the heavy bags under her eyes reflected in the mirror. After two days and two sleepless nights, she was exhausted and aching for the comfort of their bed. She was glad of Huang's quiet presence in the living room. He had insisted on staying with the two women after witnessing Olivia's panic attack. Fin and Elliot had both offered to stay the night, but George had insisted, citing the logic of having a psychiatrist in the apartment until the two detectives reluctantly gave in. So he had spent the afternoon counseling and talking with Alex, shared a quiet dinner with the women and made up the couch with spare sheets and blankets. With a gentle hand on her shoulder, he encouraged the blonde to wake him without hesitation if she needed him in the night and Alex had accepted with a grateful sigh. While Huang was with them, Alex felt her anxiety over Olivia ease a fraction. Maybe she would be able to get a few hours of much needed sleep.

Stifling a yawn, Alex sank onto the mattress and pulled the covers snugly around her shoulders. She scooted to lie near her girlfriend's warm presence and tucked her arm around the still body. Despite dozing for much of the morning and early afternoon, Olivia was already curled under the covers, her eyes tightly closed. Alex had coaxed her from the bedroom in the late afternoon. She wanted the brunette to eat something despite Olivia's silent protests that she wasn't hungry and just wanted to sleep. But, with some effort, Olivia had managed a few bites of bland scrambled eggs and most of a glass of milk before pushing the dishes away and limping back towards the bedroom. Alex had sadly watched her go though she was glad that Olivia had agreed to try eating. She never again wanted to see Olivia as feebly thin as she had been a few weeks ago. Brushing the worries from her mind as well as she could, Alex snuggled tenderly closer to her fiancé and let her eyes flutter closed. The best thing now was for both of them to get as much rest as possible.

Alex shivered and blindly yanked the tangled blankets back over her shoulders. Sighing, she reached for Olivia's comforting warmth but her searching fingers found only cold, wrinkled sheets. Groaning tiredly, Alex opened her eyes a crack so that she could find her girlfriend and go back to sleep. Squinting through the darkness, she took in only thrown back covers and the glow of light under the bathroom door. Alex let her head fall back onto the pillow; Olivia had just gotten up to use the bathroom.

After a few moments, however, the sound of shower spray crept into Alex's sleep-fogged consciousness. Worry quickly dawned and she urgently reached to flip on the nearby lamp. Once the room was illuminated, Alex's heart leapt into her throat. Pink and red streaked the pale sheets on Olivia's empty place and spots of bright blood stained the bedroom floor, marking a gruesome trail to the bathroom. Alex leapt from the bed, stumbling and struggling free of the clinging bed sheets. She lunged, cloying fear congealing in her chest, and threw the bathroom door open. She choked back a scream, gulping desperately to control her voice and call to George.

Olivia stood, chin on her chest, under the shower spray. Through the partially open shower door, Alex could see that her girlfriend still wore her pajamas and an expression of blank sorrow. Dimly hearing Huang's shuffling approach, Alex reached into the shower stall to touch Olivia's arm. The brunette didn't react but Alex whipped her hand back in surprise; the water was ice cold. "Olivia," Alex gasped, fighting the panic clawing at her thoughts, as George knocked at the bathroom door.

"Alex, are you alright?" he asked steadily but with urgency.

Regaining a fraction of her composure, Alex gathered herself enough to quickly close the water tap. "George, go to the laundry room and bring me some towels," she barked as the adrenaline began to course through her veins, allowing her a measure of calm and focus despite her fluttering worry. His receding footsteps seemed to echo in the hall as Alex slid the shower door completely open and reached to take Olivia's slack hands. Grasping them tightly and cringing at their coldness, Alex tried to guide her silent lover to step over the edge of the tub. She shifted slightly and Alex wrapped her arm around the brunette's waist, heedless of the soaking clothes and intent only on getting Olivia out of the shower.

Painstakingly, she coaxed Olivia to lean against her and be led back towards the bedroom. As they stepped from the bathroom, George appeared in the door with a stack of dry towels clutched in his arms. "Alex," he said. "What…"

"Help me get her out of these," Alex barked authoritatively. She pushed Olivia to sit on the bed and gripped the hem of the brunette's sopping t-shirt, easing it quickly over her head. As soon as the shirt was tossed to the floor, George wrapped a towel around Olivia's body, hiding her scarred body from his view. He wanted only to help his friend heal, not invade her privacy, though he caught a glimpse of her mutilated flesh and his heart reached out to her. He had only known Olivia for a short time, but he respected her compassion and strength. No one deserved to suffer this way, certainly not her. He handed Alex a second towel for Olivia's legs before vigorously rubbing her dripping hair dry with a third. Her lips were tinged with blue and she sat perfectly still, as unresponsive and malleable as a doll. Huang, a trained physician, knew that they would need to get her warm and dry as soon as possible if they were to avoid a second trip to the hospital.

Dashing to retrieve a fresh set of clothes from the dresser, Alex heeded Huang's advice to choose items that fit loosely and weren't too heavy. They needed to be able to warm her rapidly and warm clothing would slow the heat reaching her body. But, before they dressed the shivering woman, they had to check her stitches; the blood on the sheets and floor had to have seeped from her hidden injuries. Keeping the towels tightly wrapped around Olivia's body, Alex guided her girlfriend to lie on her back. Sorrowfully, but professionally, George dipped his head to look under the towel at Olivia's waist. Keeping his touch slow and gentle, George probed the wounds, inspecting each stitch thoroughly.

"It looks like two of the stitches tore a little, but they're still intact. We can just put a fresh bandage on to stop the bleeding for now, but you'll probably need to check with her doctor in the morning." Alex sighed with relief at George's calmly spoken works and handed him the sack of medical supplies she kept at the side of the bed. Soon, Olivia was bandaged and re-clothed and Alex helped her stand and walk slowly from the bedroom.

Keeping her girlfriend tightly hugged to her own body, Alex stepped towards the couch and sat them down. Huang followed the two women, standing to the side as they settled onto the sofa. Once they were seated, he approached Alex. "Alex, do you have anything we can use to warm her up," he asked quietly.

"In the hall closet," she murmured, her attention remaining focused on Olivia's grey pallor. "There's a heating pad and, I think, a hot water bottle." He nodded and turned to fetch the items while Alex tugged a quilt around Olivia's shoulders.

With loving and practiced motions, Alex wrapped her arms around her girlfriend and coaxed her to lie across the blonde's lap. She guided her lover's dark head to rest in the crook of her left elbow and cushioned her shoulders on a throw pillow. Leaning over, Alex lifted the brunette's legs, one by one, and set them on the sofa before tossing the folds of the blanket to cover them. Sure that Olivia was comfortable, Alex rested her right arm over her girlfriend's silent form, tucking her hands under the bone of her hip. Tense, Alex looked down at Olivia's hollow, bluish cheeks and into her listless, dull eyes and waited impatiently for George to return.

He did so quickly, tucking the heading pad under Olivia's legs and recovering them with the thick blanket before plugging the device into the wall and then handed the hot water bottle to the blonde. "Here, put this on her chest and wrap her hands around it. It'll help warm the blood circulating through her fingers." Alex obeyed his instructions and soon re-curled her arm around her lover's body. Huang stiffly took a seat on the armchair, leaning forward so that his elbows rested on his knees. He nodded soberly to the worried blonde. Now there was nothing to do but wait and pray. Alex tried to return his nod with a smile but managed only a twitch of her lips and a tired sigh. She turned back to the woman tucked in her arms and leaned down, pressing a sad kiss to her fiance's forehead and inhaling the chilly scent in her dark hair. Olivia shivered but turned her face towards the blonde at the contact, a whispered moan escaping from her parted lips. Alex sighed again and tightened her embrace, hoping that Olivia could feel her love and protection even through her haze of cold and pain. And she prayed that the brunette already knew.

Olivia woke slowly and groggily, blinking quickly against the golden cast of light from the curtained window. She groaned whisperingly and shifted to ease the stiffness in her back. As she moved, she sensed the familiar touch of Alex's arm lying slack across her hips. Sweeping the fog of sleep from her mind, she blinked blankly at the ceiling above her. She was not in the bedroom.

Squeezing her eyes closed, she tried to remember how she had ended up sleeping in the living room. Dim memories of pain and shame floated just out of her clear recall. She remembered feeling filthy and then feeling cold, then nothing. Groaning again, she turned to look for Alex and started when she realized her head was resting on her girlfriend's warm lap. Alex was still asleep, her jaw lolling against her shoulder. As she took in the blonde's drawn face and the dark circles under her closed eyes, Olivia felt a guilty tug at her heart. She had done this to Alex. She had turned her once vibrant lover into a woman who bore unbearable weights on her shoulders. And Olivia herself was that weight. Tenderly, Olivia worked one hand free of the heavy blankets and lifted it to brush away the blonde hair that fell across Alex's face, tucking the wild strands behind her ear. She pressed her palm to Alex's cheek, wishing that she had the words to tell her girlfriend how sorry she was for putting her through this pain.

Alex leaned into the contact, nuzzling sleepily against Olivia's hand and sighing softly. After a few short moments, her blue eyes fluttered open and she looked serenely down at Olivia. A small smile softened her tired expression and she placed her hand over her girlfriend's, pressing Olivia's palm warmly against her own cheek. "How are you feeling?" she murmured.

Olivia coughed softly and tried to return Alex's smile, though her efforts were wan and tinged with sorrow and regret. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, her voice quiet but grating in her ears. "I don't … I just felt so … Alex, I'm sorry."

Alex only widened her smile lovingly. "Liv, you have nothing to be sorry about. I just want you to feel safe when you're here with me. I know that last time I couldn't … But that'll never happen again." She held Olivia's gaze as she paused before bending a fraction awkwardly to brush her lips against her fiance's. She kept her touch feather-light – Olivia's lips and mouth were healing from Rosenfeld's needles – but she poured all of her love for the brunette into the lingering contact. Finally, she straightened and was rewarded with a more heartfelt smile on Olivia's face. "Now, let's make some coffee, darling. I could really use a cup."


	34. Chapter 34

Despite the unseasonably warm spring air, Olivia shivered and huddled deeper into her warm coat as she limped back towards the apartment building with Alex and Huang at her side. Though they were exhausted, the trio had ventured out to pay a visit to Olivia's gynecologist and have her check the brunette's torn stitches. After hearing Alex recount the events of the previous night, Dr. Boswell had taken Olivia's temperature and pronounced it to be normal, much to the blonde's obvious relief. Olivia's downcast eyes and flushing cheeks, however, told a very different story. She had no memory of much of her actions and hearing the details filled her with intense shame. And upon the doctor's examination, she learned that her own treacherous mind had been the cause of Alex's worries and exhaustion.

According to Dr. Boswell's quiet and clinical words, there were scratches and raised, red claw marks around the area. Apparently, Olivia had been clawing at herself and her injuries before rising from the bed and leaving the sheets and floor a gory mess. As the doctor spoke and quickly replaced the two stitches, Olivia could not bring herself to meet Alex's sad blue eyes. Instead, she stared at her knees, shuddering at the intrusion and the cold that wouldn't seem to leave her body. Eventually, the doctor snapped off her gloves and pronounced Olivia fit to return home. As quickly as she could, Olivia pulled the layers of clothing on to her body, cowering away from Alex's gaze until she was fully covered.

The ride home had been silent and tinged with discomfort. Olivia continued to mentally berate herself and shove her hands deeper into her coat pockets, searching for extra warmth. This had never happened before. She was Olivia Benson, a detective, for God's sake. And now her mind and body seemed traitorous and foreign. If she couldn't trust her own form, how could she ever regain the person she yearned to be? She sighed deeply and levered herself tiredly from the car while Huang held the door. More than anything, she simply wanted to get warm and sleep away the afternoon. The shame was simply too great for her to bear.

Alex sat at the kitchen table, directly across from Huang's quietly soothing presence, and buried her head in her hands. She had tucked and kissed Olivia back into bed at the brunette's silent insistence, hurrying to hide the bloody sheets and fit the mattress with a fresh set before her girlfriend could see. The last thing Olivia needed was yet another reminder of the pain she was in. Though Alex tried to coax her to have some lunch, or at least something to drink, Olivia had ignored her pleas and slid under the covers. Though she tried to hide her shivers from her girlfriend, Alex noticed her trembling body and insisted on refilling the hot water bottle, tucking it gently into Olivia's hands before again brushing her lips against the brunette's and turning to leave.

Now Alex was alone with George, a glass of water by her elbow and tears pricking her sore eyes. He rested a hand gently on her arm as she took deep breaths and tried to calm herself. It was all too much, too out of control for her to handle. Even after the recent weeks of happiness and comfort, she felt as if her life and Olivia's were crashing down. Olivia couldn't or wouldn't speak to her, she herself could barely sleep or eat for worry over the brunette, and now she hardly felt safe in her own apartment without the constant presence of one or another of their friends. Her heart went gratefully out to George as he sat serenely across from her and she muttered the sentiment softly to him.

Chuckling gently, he firmed his grasp on her arm and accepted her thanks demurely. "Alex, you know that any of us would be here in a second if you or Olivia needed us. And you know you'd do the same for us. Right now, we just want to make sure you two come out of this whole. But to do that, I think you need to talk. To me or someone else, it's your choice, but you need to take care of yourself. Bottling it up won't do Olivia any good." He took a breath and Alex whipped her head up to look him in the eye.

"George," she breathed. "I know, but I … it was awful. I shot him but he was torturing Olivia. I didn't know what else to do…" She trailed off as her voice shook dangerously.

"Alex, you did what you had to. You survived and Olivia survived. You acted out of self defense. If you hadn't done what you did, I think he would have killed her. It is understandable that you feel guilt for killing a man, for not saving Olivia sooner, for not being able to foresee the future, but you don't have to. You're only human. You're a good woman and a caring girlfriend and I'm proud to have you as my friend."

A dry sob escaped Alex's heaving chest and she let her head fall back into her hands. A second sob echoed in the small kitchen and a third and soon the blonde was sobbing in earnest, her cheek cushioned on her forearm. George retrieved a box of tissues and set it by her elbow as he waited her to cry herself out. After long minutes of choking sobs and mournful moans, Alex finally wiped her red-rimmed eyes and again faced her friend. "George," she rasped. "Thank you. Those are the same things I've been telling myself but it helps to hear them out loud. I think … if you have someone's card, I think maybe I should start talking to someone. I mean, I don't want to burden you, so …"

George smiled encouragingly as he refilled her water glass. "Of course, Alex, I'd be happy to give you some names," he murmured reassuringly. "Talking to a friend can sometimes be a little stressful. And having an outsider's input can put things in perspective. The important thing is that you're taking the first step towards healing your psychological wounds. You may also want to ask Olivia to come with you." Alex nodded silently, still sniffling tiredly though her smile finally began to return.

She rose and stepped to clutch the shorter man tightly in her arms. "Thank you, George," she whispered before stepping back. "I… I think I'll go and keep Liv company for a while, if you don't mind." At Huang's nod, she turned and walked a fraction unsteadily towards the bedroom. The sleepless nights and the tears were really beginning to catch up with her and the comfort of the bed was like a siren call to her aching body.

Stripping down to a t-shirt and panties, Alex slid into her side of the bed and turned to face Olivia. The brunette's tense expression had melted into one of peaceful sleep and Alex took a moment to admire her girlfriend. Though her eyes seemed a little sunken and her cheeks were too hollow, Alex still appreciated Olivia's striking, dark beauty. She had smooth, flawless skin, thick dark hair and her nose, though slightly crooked, gave her an exotic quality. Alex grinned palely at her thoughts; she was loved by a very beautiful woman. Yawning, Alex loosely folded Olivia's slack hands in her own and shut her eyes. She would never let Olivia suffer such emotional agony alone again.

Alex pressed the play button on the stereo and pulled Olivia into her arms as Celine Dion's wandering voice filled the dim living room. As a favor, Elliot had run out to pick up groceries and dinner before settling in with the two women for the night. As much as she appreciated the continued presence of their friends, Alex planned to take full advantage of the time she had alone with her fiancé. Olivia had had her stitches removed earlier in the day and Alex wanted to celebrate this latest step in her recovery. Their recovery, Alex corrected herself. She and Olivia were in this together.

Gently, Alex folded her arms around Olivia's waist, snaking one hand up to rest on the back of the brunette's neck. Sighing sadly, Olivia draped her arms over Alex's shoulders so that she could nuzzle against the blonde's pale throat. Locked in a tight embrace, they began to sway and turn slowly to the subdued beat of the music. Alex rubbed her cheek against Olivia's silky hair and used her thumb to toy at her hairline. She loved holding Olivia like this, loved the way the brunette seemed to gain a sense of security from the embrace. Alex hummed in her throat and tightened her arms around Olivia's body. She was so grateful to still have the opportunity to hold her darling and she refused to waste a single moment.

The minutes ticked by as they slow danced to the soothing music. Olivia sighed quietly, her breath hot against Alex's collarbone. Each time, Alex caressed the brunette's lower back with her palm, scratching gently with her fingernails. Eventually, silence once more blanketed the living room as the CD spun to a stop. Alex slowly extracted herself from Olivia's embrace, trailing her fingertips along her girlfriend's arms until she grasped both of the brunette's hands in her own. Olivia watched her warily with sadly long-lidded eyes. Alex smiled serenely.

"Let's take a bath, Liv," she murmured in a low voice. "I just want to relax a little before Elliot comes back." Olivia nodded and Alex led her slowly towards the bedroom, walking backwards so she could keep her eyes locked with Olivia's. She only released her girlfriend's hands to firmly close the bathroom door and open the water taps. Olivia's hands went to the buttons of her shirt, but Alex pushed them back to her sides.

"Let me," she purred. With familiar motions, she eased Olivia's shirt over her shoulders and let it drop to the floor. Olivia's pants followed suit and Alex steadied her girlfriend as she stepped out of them. Soon, Olivia was undressed and holding her fiance's hand as she stepped gingerly into the steamy water. She moaned quietly as she sank into the tub and relaxed back against the edge. Releasing Olivia's hand, Alex straightened and quickly pulled off her own clothes. With a hand on the brunette's shoulder, Alex coaxed her girlfriend forward and slipped in the bathtub and eased Olivia to lie against her chest. "I love you, Liv," she whispered.

"Oh, Alex, I don't know…" Olivia murmured before trailing off. Alex frowned slightly and wrapped her arms tightly around the brunette's middle.

"What's wrong, darling?" she asked softly.

"Alex, I… I don't understand why you stay with me. I'm so … so…"

Alex shushed her gently. "Liv, I would never leave you. I love you too much." As she spoke, she brushed her lips against Olivia's ear until the brunette turned her head away.

"You're so beautiful, Alex, and now I'm so … hideous." Olivia's voice was quiet and she only whispered the last word with shame. Alex gasped inwardly, her chest tightening with compassion for her fiancé.

"Olivia," she said soothingly. "You're beautiful to me. I love every part of you, darling. Here, let me show you what I see when I look at you. Shut your eyes."

Olivia complied with a sigh as Alex grasped her hands, holding them so that the blonde could manipulate them as if they were her own. She lifted Olivia's right hand and pressed the palm to the brunette's cheek. "Feel the warmth of your cheek. I love to touch you like this, especially when you nuzzle against my hand. Your skin is so smooth and warm and when you blush, I can feel the extra heat." Gently, she took Olivia's index finger and ran the pad over her girlfriend's lips.

"You have the most beautiful lips, Liv. I always wished that mine were full like yours. Kissing you is like a dream, every single time. And when you put your lips on me, you make me lose my mind." Trailing Olivia's fingers down her throat and over her collar bone, Alex pressed the brunette's palms to her breasts, cupping the supple flesh and hefting them gently. "Oh, Olivia, I love your breasts. They're the perfect size, just right for my hands, like they were made to be put together. Feel how wonderfully heavy they are and how silky your skin is, like they've never been touched before. Just beautiful," Alex purred. Olivia sighed heavily, her eyes now tightly closed, and her chest hitched. Alex paused for a moment, caressing the edges of Olivia's dark aureole with her thumbs. Olivia began to tremble in Alex's embrace and a tear left a wet trail across her cheek. Alex nuzzled her cheek tenderly against the crown of Olivia's head before continuing.

Alex crossed her arms over Olivia's body, placing the brunette's hands on her sides. She ran their fingers over Olivia's ribs and slowly let them come to rest on her belly. "I always love touching your sides. Your skin is so sensitive and you gasp when I tickle you. Feel the bumps of your ribs under the skin. You're so slender, Liv, and so strong. Your muscles seem to ripple under my fingertips when I touch you. And, here, on your belly, I can still feel the muscles. But there's softness there. Feel it. It's so feminine and I love that about you. I love your toughness and I love your gentleness." Alex fell quiet as Olivia began to cry softly but in earnest. She shivered despite the warmth of the water and Alex released her hands in order to hold her tightly.

She let the brunette cry for a long moment before speaking again. "It's alright, darling. I just wanted you to understand why I think you're so beautiful. No scars could change how I feel, Liv. You'll always be the love of my life. And I know that, if it were me, you'd stand by me." Olivia sighed shakily and turned her head to press her warm, wet cheek against the top of Alex's breast. She took a long breath and opened her eyes, her lashes tickling Alex's skin.

"Alex, I … I would." Alex pressed her lips to Olivia's head and smiled.

"I know, darling," she cooed. "Now, just stay here." Alex coaxed Olivia to lean forward as she levered herself gracefully from the tub. She wrapped a towel around her body and threw a second onto the floor. She knelt on the towel and reached for the shampoo.

Olivia held out her hand and whispered, "No, Alex, I can…"

Alex cut her off tenderly. "I want to, just like we used to." She traced the pad of her index finger around Olivia's exposed throat, following the path of the fading bruise. Understanding the gesture, Olivia let her eyes fall and she nodded shyly.

"Alright, ma'am," she murmured, her voice growing steadier as her tears began to dry. Alex smiled and hummed quietly as she poured a dollop of shampoo into her palm. Setting the bottle back on the edge of the tub, she used her free hand to cup some water and wet Olivia's short hair. She massaged the shampoo gently into Olivia's scalp, careful to wipe the suds back from her fiance's face. She loved babying Olivia on occasion especially when the brunette was gentle and obedient. Mastering such a fierce woman gave Alex a secret thrill.

Cautiously, she rinsed the brunette's hair with palmfuls of clean water before repeating her actions with a small amount of conditioner. Olivia kept her eyes closed and her face relaxed as she melted under Alex's ministrations. The sensation of being coddled by her girlfriend filled her with comfort and security, of being cared for in every way by someone who loved her. Finally, Alex rinsed her hair thoroughly and ran a damp cloth over Olivia's tear-stained face. Pulling the plug from the drain, Alex rose to her feet and helped Olivia step from the tub. She briskly rubbed the brunette dry with a fresh towel and led her back into the bedroom.

Olivia obeyed Alex's non-verbal commands, perching quietly on the edge of the bed as Alex dressed her in warm clothes. Alex quickly dressed herself before pulling Olivia to her feet. Burying her hands in Olivia's damp hair, Alex leaned to press her lips lovingly to Olivia's. "Come on, beautiful. Let's see what Elliot brought us for dinner." Olivia dipped her head shyly and her cheeks flushed, giving her a bashful air. She let Alex take her hand and lead her from the bedroom.

As soon as Alex pulled the door open, their senses were struck by the hissing babble of boiling water and the sweet tangy scent of tomato sauce. They walked to the kitchen and were met by Elliot's form bent over the stove. Alex cleared her throat and Elliot jumped, glancing over his shoulder to face them. "Hi Liv, Alex," he grinned. "Thought I'd get dinner started. Hope you like spaghetti."

Alex laughed sweetly. "That'll be great, Elliot! We're starving." She laughed again and turned to Olivia, winking playfully. "Aren't we?" she joked, poking Olivia gently in her too thin belly. To her relief, Olivia smiled gently at her joke and squeezed her hand. They would be just fine, Alex thought to herself. Just fine.


	35. Chapter 35

Days passed, blessedly uneventful days. Alex again returned to work and their dear friends gradually tapered off the number of hours they spent with Olivia until the two women finally spent their nights alone. Slowly the bruises faded and Olivia's wounds became healed scars though she remained quiet and reclusive. She allowed Alex to hold her but preferred silence to conversation. She picked gingerly at her food, her eyes downcast in shame as her stomach growled audibly. For some reason, Olivia simply could not force the food into her mouth, regardless of how much she wanted to.

Alex worried about her girlfriend though she said little. Olivia had been an outgoing woman, bright and energetic, before being attacked. A little of that energy had returned but, since Rosenfeld's outburst, she had seemed to fade away a little. Alex could see the woman she loved but she had to dig through layers of new shyness and silence. She hoped that with continued love and tenderness, Olivia would come back to her. Until that day, however, Alex was determined to stay her course.

One night, Alex lay in bed, reading by the dim light of her lamp, with her back pressed against Olivia's. Alex yawned sleepily, lulled by the security of having Olivia's warm, slowly breathing form against her own. She carefully marked her place and set the book on the bedside table before stretching to flick the lamp off. In the dark bedroom, Alex curled back under the sheets and closed her eyes, welcoming the rest, but a soft voice disturbed her.

"Alex," Olivia murmured. Stifling her start, Alex carefully turned to spoon her girlfriend and wrap an arm around her waist.

"Yes?" she whispered.

"Do you remember how we used to play sometimes?" Olivia asked quietly. Alex paused for a long moment before responding, unwilling to mistakenly misinterpret Olivia's question.

"I think so, darling. Why do you ask?"

"Alex, I want to play like that again. Just a little bit. I … I want to be your pet again."

Again Alex paused, carefully phrasing her response. "I'll tell you what, Liv. Tomorrow night, I'll bring dinner home with me and we'll work something out. And, Olivia…"

"Yes?"

"You'll always be my pet." Alex growled lightly and playfully as she spoke and hugged Olivia closer. She nuzzled against Olivia's neck and sighed in comfort and a fraction of anticipation. She too wanted to play as they once had.

Olivia sat on the sofa, blankly watching television but not absorbing a single word. Every few minutes, she checked the clock, willing it to move faster and bring Alex home. Despite the years of her relationship with Alex, Olivia still found herself twisting and untwisting her fingers nervously. She trusted the blonde, trusted her with her life, but wondered if it was too soon, wondered if she was ready. By the time Alex's key ground in the lock, Olivia had practically convinced herself to take back her request and just have a quiet night together.

When Alex stepped into the living room, however, all thoughts of recanting faded from Olivia's mind. She leaned seductively in the doorway, her grin devilish, dressed in a black suit that highlighted her slenderness. With one finger, she beckoned for Olivia to come into the kitchen. Without hesitation, the brunette leapt to obey and Alex turned to follow. Near the table, she took Olivia by the shoulders and eased her around so they were face to face. She made a mental note of the nervousness apparent in her girlfriend's expression but decided to proceed with her plans. Olivia could use her safe word anytime she wanted. Until then, Alex planned to enjoy this.

"Ready, darling?" she asked gently. Olivia responded only with a small nod, her eyes darting to meet Alex's before returning to the floor.

"Alright then. First, I want you to turn the heat up a few degrees and come back to me." Slowly, Olivia obeyed Alex's order, adjusting the thermostat and returning to her position before Alex. The blonde's smile widened. "Good girl," she purred. "Now," she said, reaching into her briefcase. "I want you to serve dinner wearing nothing but these." She held up Olivia's black collar and a familiar pair of wrist restraints, dangling them before Olivia's eyes before clearing her throat to remind her girlfriend of her position.

Starting, Olivia quickly reached for the light switch, intent on dimming the bright kitchen lights before removing her clothing. No matter how many times Alex encouraged the brunette, Olivia still flushed self-consciously whenever the blonde admired her body. She believed that Alex thought she was beautiful but Olivia could not seem to believe it herself; she still felt her body was grotesque. But before she touched the switch, Alex growled threateningly. Olivia hesitated and mumbled, "Please, ma'am."

Alex shook her head firmly but purred her answer gently. "Not tonight, darling. I want to see you. Now, are you still willing?" Olivia slowly nodded and raised her hands to remove her t-shirt, dropping it on the floor. She made short work of her pants and underwear and soon stood naked before her girlfriend. Uncertainly, she looked up at the grinning blonde woman and spoke.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but I can't…" She trailed off and gestured weakly at the floor. Normally, she knelt while Alex fastened the collar around her neck but, with her injured knees, it was impossible. But Alex simply laid a finger on Olivia's lips to quiet her.

"I know, darling." She gently wrapped the supple black leather around Olivia's pale throat and buckled it, making sure it was firm but not tight. She wanted the brunette to feel the leather, to feel Alex's ownership. "Give me your hands, Liv," she murmured, pale palm outstretched. Olivia complied and Alex looped the restraints around her wrists. These restraints were very light, made of simple loops of nylon strapping sewn together and closed with Velcro pads. Alex and Olivia had a wide variety of restraints hidden in their closet: leather cuffs, steel handcuffs, rope. But Alex wanted to ease Olivia back into their play without frightening the abused woman. So she chose their lightest set and bound Olivia's wrists snugly but tenderly.

Alex paused for a long moment, rubbing Olivia's hands between her own and allowing her girlfriend time to get used to the restraints. Finally, she released the brunette's hands and gave her a gentle pat on the ass. "Dinner, honey. I'm starving."

Olivia jumped a little at her words but quickly answered, "Yes, ma'am," before hurrying to comply with her mistress's orders. A long-forgotten tingle of excitement slithered through her body as she did so; this was how she loved Alex the best. She carefully opened the containers of food Alex had brought as promised and paused for only a second to raise her eyebrows. The selections were unlike anything Olivia had expected from her girlfriend. As she began to prepare a plate for Alex, Olivia wondered if Alex's plans for the night included sleeping off dinner. Alex watched, smirking, as Olivia awkwardly spooned sliced turkey, mashed potatoes and spinach onto a plate and carried it to the table. She set it carefully before Alex and took a shy step back from the table, clearly uncertain as to what was now expected of her.

Alex gestured carelessly toward the remaining food and barked, "And a plate for you, darling." Olivia again complied, taking a seat next to Alex and placing a second plate on the table. Olivia glanced at Alex and, as she did so, the blonde caught her chin between her fingers and thumb with exceeding gentleness. "I know you haven't been eating well recently, Olivia, and I haven't said anything. But tonight I'm in charge and if you want any dessert," she stressed, "you'll have to clean your plate. Now, bon appetit." She raised her glass and gestured towards Olivia's fork before relishing the first sip of her wine. To her satisfaction, Olivia lifted her fork and, with both restrained hands, took a ginger bite of her food. As she began to eat, Olivia blushed before her mistress's watchful eyes and kept her eyes downcast. Alex moved her chair to sit nearer her shy fiancé, wrapping an arm around Olivia's naked waist as she too began to enjoy her meal. She smiled a little as she ate; she would make sure Olivia had a very nice time.

Only when Olivia had finished her dinner did Alex reward her for her obedience. She buried her long fingers in Olivia brown hair and pulled her close, pressing their lips together tenderly before coaxing the brunette's mouth open to deepen the kiss. She could taste the salt and wine from dinner on Olivia's tongue and Alex hummed with gladness; this was the first real meal Olivia had finished in weeks and she hoped it wouldn't be the last. Olivia was a beautiful woman but Alex preferred the healthy fullness Olivia had once had to her now almost emaciated body. Alex decided she would take real pleasure in helping Olivia gain back the weight, especially if the brunette would do so dressed as she was tonight.

Pulling away, she again grinned wickedly at her submissive girlfriend and lifted her chin with a crooked finger. "What a mess we've made, darling. Clean it up and you'll get another treat." A shy smile flickered across the brunette's face at her fiance's promise and she hurried to clear the table and fill the sink with soapy water. With catlike movements, Alex rose and followed her girlfriend to press her body possessively against Olivia's as she stood at the sink. "Make sure they're nice and clean," she growled softly in the brunette's ear, punctuating each word with squeezes as she ran her hands down Olivia's bare body. She cupped her girlfriend's warm ass with one hand as she worked her other hand between the brunette's thighs. Olivia gasped with arousal as Alex began to gently tease her. The blonde laughed lightly as Olivia narrowly avoided dropping the dish she was rinsing and she pressed her lips to the brunette's ear. "Careful, darling."

Finally, Olivia managed to finish the dishes and put away the leftovers despite her growing arousal and her bound hands and she came to stand before Alex. "I think my good girl deserves a reward for doing such a nice job," she murmured. "What do you think?"

Olivia stuttered a little with anticipation as she answered. "Yes, ma'am. Please, ma'am."

"What a sweet pet I have," Alex crooned, hooking a finger under Olivia's collar and drawing her close. She pressed her lips to the corner of Olivia's mouth and kissed a path across Olivia's lips, nipping gently until she was sure the brunette's lips would be beautifully reddened and swollen. Finally, she released the brunette and drew away, smiling tenderly. Keeping her eyes locked with Olivia's, she took hold of the soft cuffs and led her girlfriend across the living room towards the bedroom.

"Alright, darling," Alex murmured softly, but with a note of irrefutable command. "I want to you to touch me any way you like. If you do a good job, I'll see what reward I can think up for you." She eased Olivia to sit on the mattress and stood in front of the brunette, watching her carefully and waiting for her to begin. After a moment's hesitation, Olivia lifted her hands to unbutton Alex's jacket and blouse, letting her palms smooth over Alex's slender body as she slowly tugged her clothing away. Finally, Alex's clothes were in a pile on the rug and Olivia was free to let her hands roam over her girlfriend's pale, unmarked skin. Olivia sighed in mixed envy and adoration as she reached up to cup Alex's small breasts and run her thumbs over rapidly hardening nipples. Sighing again, Olivia leaned and pressed her cheek against the impossibly soft skin of Alex's stomach. Tenderly, she kissed a path across the blonde's belly, occasionally pausing to taste her skin or give her a gentle nip.

As she lavished attention to Alex's midsection with her lips, Olivia caressed Alex's breasts with touches that alternated between gentle and demanding. Soon, Alex's breathing became heavier and she gasped when Olivia rolled her nipples and used her teeth. She buried one hand in Olivia's hair and used the other to steady herself on the brunette's shoulder. Finally, when Alex felt she couldn't bear Olivia's teasing touches any longer, Olivia stooped her shoulders and pressed her lips to the blonde's core. She buried her face in Alex's soft curls and moved her hands from Alex's breasts to grasp the blonde's hips. Teasingly, she used her lips and tongue to part Alex's beautiful labia and gain access to the delicate, hidden flesh.

Alex gasped and tightened her grip on her girlfriend as her knees began to feel weak with pleasure. "Oh, darling," she groaned as Olivia delved deeper with her tongue. The brunette could work wonders with that mouth of hers. Lovingly, Olivia blew cool air over Alex's overheated core before continuing to suck and lick. Alex moaned tremblingly as she began to see bright lights in the corners of her vision. "Liv, ah, ah," she breathed. She arched her back, thrusting her hips forward as she searched for more contact. Finally, she stiffened and groaned in a deep voice as she let Olivia push her over the edge. Olivia continued her attentions as Alex climaxed, furthering the blonde's pleasure until Alex's trembling knees finally gave out and she collapsed to sit on the bed at Olivia's side.

She breathed for a few moments before turning and drawing Olivia into her arms for a lingering kiss. Alex could taste herself on her girlfriend's lips and tongue and she groaned once more. Breaking their kiss, Alex led her palms cup the brunette's jaw to look deeply into her large, brown eyes. "Darling, that was wonderful. Now, it's my turn. I think you deserve something very nice. Lay back, sweetheart."

Olivia complied, leaning into Alex's arms as the blonde eased her to lie back on the pillows. Alex laid on her side, head propped up on her elbow and one leg draped across Olivia's. She curled her fingers in Olivia's hair behind her ear and turned the brunette to face her. Alex smiled warmly at her girlfriend. "Olivia, I love you so much," she murmured softly. Olivia returned her smile serenely.

"I love you too, ma'am," she whispered. Alex smiled brightly and pressed a chaste kiss to Olivia's lips. Wordlessly, Alex ran her hands under Olivia's arms and pushed them up over her head. She pressed Olivia's bound wrists firmly against the pillows and lowered her mouth to speak in Olivia's ear.

"Keep them there, darling," she murmured. Olivia nodded obediently and Alex again kissed her, nipping the brunette's lips to keep them so delightfully kiss-swollen. Alex scratched her nails along Olivia's protruding ribs, raising goose bumps on her girlfriend's welted skin. Olivia squirmed under Alex's touch but, to the blonde's satisfaction, did not move her hands. "Such a good girl," Alex crooned. She raised her hand to touch Olivia's breast, scratching one fingernail around the ring of her dark areola and watching as the nipple pebbled before her eyes. Olivia had beautiful breasts, full and so sensitive to Alex's slightest touch. She let her fingers trail along the complex network of shiny scars that marred the otherwise supple flesh and a flash of regret burst in Alex's mind. She would give anything if she could turn back time and save her gentle girlfriend the horror of that attack. But she could do nothing but keep loving the brunette.

Remembering herself, Alex lowered her mouth to take Olivia's nipple between her lips as her hand trailed down the brunette's side to reach between her slender thighs. Olivia's chest hitched as Alex's teeth bit gently on her tender nipple and her fingers began to toy with the remains of her mutilated core. "No, ma'am," she choked, jerking upward into a seated position and drawing her knees up defensively. "I don't … ma'am…" she whispered.

Alex raised her hand to press her palm to Olivia's flushed cheek. "Sweetheart," she said calmly. "I want to touch you. You know that "no" isn't a safe word. You do remember your safe word, don't you?" Olivia nodded quietly, leaning into Alex's hand but refusing to meet the blonde's eyes. "Do you want to use it, Olivia?" she asked.

They sat in silence for a moment before Olivia shook her head. "Liv, it's alright if you do; you know the rules. Otherwise, I want you to lie back and put your hands behind your head." Again, they sat quietly for a long moment before Olivia slowly eased back to lie on the pillows. Alex coaxed Olivia's legs to straighten and rest on the bed. She leaned to kiss Olivia gently and whispered, "Use the word any time you like, sweetheart." Olivia sighed softly and Alex resumed her tender ministrations.

She kissed Olivia deeply, sucking gently on the brunette's bottom lip as she again slipped her hand to cup her girlfriend's core. Olivia gasped softly at the touch but she continued kissing the blonde with growing feeling. Alex began to explore Olivia's changed center, running the pads of her fingers along old and new scars and tickling the places of unmarked flesh. She let Olivia sigh and groan into her mouth as she kept the brunette's lips locked with her own. With experienced motions, Alex coaxed her girlfriend's clitoris from its protective hood and lightly toyed with it for a moment while Olivia shuddered.

Alex broke their kiss. "Do you want me to stop?"

"No, ma'am," Olivia breathed in response, her face deeply flushed and her eyes heavy-lidded with arousal.

"Good," she murmured in a low voice. "I don't want to stop either." She returned her lips to Olivia's and began to play with her lover in earnest, moving her fingers in a scissoring motion and grazing the brunette's most sensitive flesh. Olivia moaned deep in her throat and she pressed her hips against Alex's hands. "What a sweet girl," Alex sighed against Olivia's lips. "I'm so lucky." Olivia only moaned in response and Alex smiled; she loved seeing her girlfriend red-faced with pleasure.

Alex brushed her thumb over Olivia's clit, first with subtle pressure and then with greater intensity. As Alex continued, Olivia arched her back, twisting her fingers together and groaning. She held her position stiffly for a few moments, her eyes squeezed shut as Alex coaxed the last waves of orgasm from her lover's body. Finally, Olivia shuddered and eased to lie on the mattress, exhausted. Alex took her hand from between Olivia's legs and kissed her girlfriend tenderly.

She reached up and took Olivia's hands, pulling them down to rest on the brunette's stomach. She removed the nylon straps from the brunette's wrists and tossed them to the floor near the bed. Gently, Alex moved to unbuckle the collar from Olivia's neck but the brunette stopped her with a touch. "Please, ma'am. Just a little longer," she murmured. Alex grinned tiredly.

"Alright, Olivia. You were wonderful tonight." She curled her body snugly around Olivia's, resting her arm and leg across her girlfriend protectively. "What frightened you, darling?" she asked quietly. Olivia sighed bashfully and turned her face away from Alex's. With a gentle touch, Alex turned Olivia's face back so she could look into her girlfriend's eyes. "You can tell me."

"Ma'am … Alex … You keep telling me that I'm beautiful but I don't see it. I can't. And having you touch me … like that … I feel so ashamed." She paused and took a deep breath.

"Sweetheart, give it time. You'll see. I'm just glad you let me. I sometimes feel so guilty that I couldn't save …" Alex's voice broke suddenly and she couldn't speak. The memories of Rosenfeld's brutal attack in their own home flooded back to her and she felt days of unshed tears sting her eyes. Overwhelmed by emotion, she buried her face in the crook of Olivia's neck and pulled the brunette tighter against her body. "I'm sorry," she said brokenly. "I'm so sorry, darling."

"Alex," Olivia murmured, reaching to curl her hand against the back of her girlfriend's head. "I understand how you feel but you need to know that you did save me. I'm sure he would have killed both of us. I'm thankful for your actions everyday, Alex. Think about that and go ahead and cry. It's alright."

Olivia's words penetrated Alex's guilt-stricken thoughts but they only triggered a greater release of emotions. Her sobs intensified and Olivia held her firmly, comforting her as best she could. Her words were true and she hoped Alex understood. But she also knew that Alex had been struggling to remain strong for her sake. Olivia was glad to give Alex a safe embrace in which to finally release her tightly wound sorrow and regret. She was glad to finally have some of her old strength back. She pressed a kiss to the top of Alex's head, just as the blonde had always done for her, and closed her eyes. Alex had done this so many times in the past. Olivia was glad to finally return the favor.


	36. Chapter 36

Alex groaned and gingerly stretched her stiff neck. The morning sun streamed through the window, already high in the sky, and Alex saw red through her closed eyelids. She adjusted her cheek against Olivia's comfortingly warm skin and sighed; thank God for Saturday mornings, she mused serenely to herself. Sleepily, she slid her palm up to curl around the curve of Olivia's neck to toy with leather collar still buckled around the brunette's neck. She smiled. They had had a wonderful evening.

As she nuzzled against Olivia's rising and falling chest, Alex felt her girlfriend's arms tighten around her body. Olivia's soft moaning sigh of contentment vibrated loudly in Alex's ear and she lifted her head to look up at her lover. Slowly, the brunette's dark eyes fluttered open, squinting against the bright light and immediately locating Alex's blue gaze. She smiled at the blonde with an air of gentle comfort. "Good morning, ma'am," she murmured.

Alex grinned and craned her neck to press a tender kiss to the corner of her girlfriend's lips. "Morning, Liv. Sleep well?" Olivia merely hummed in response, shifting her body under the covers. Alex's grin widened and she hooked a finger playfully under the brunette's collar and tugged. "Liv…" she growled gently.

Olivia curled onto her side in order to lie closer to Alex's and, eyes demurely long-lidded, replied, "Yes, ma'am."

Kissing the brunette again, Alex rewarded Olivia with a lingering caress and almost reluctantly edged from the bed. Leaning back down, she tugged the sheets from Olivia's groaning grasp and tossed them to the bottom of the mattress. "Come on, darling," she coaxed. "I'm starving and you're going to make breakfast." Chuckling at Olivia's paper-thin efforts at resistance, Alex hooked her fingers under the collar and tugged more insistently. "If you want to know what I've got planned for today, Liv, you're going to have to get up." Finally, groaning with mock irritation, curiosity got the best of the brunette and Olivia crawled from the bed.

Laughing happily, Alex swatted her girlfriend on the backside to propel her towards the kitchen. "Eggs please, darling. And toast." Alex's voice was rich with amusement and the promise of something nice to come. She followed Olivia, slinging her warm robe around her body, and took a leisurely seat at the dinette table. Leering exaggeratedly, she teased her naked lover with roving, appreciative ogling and ignored Olivia's irritated gestures. Restraining her urge to laugh out loud, Alex let out a shrill wolf whistle as Olivia bent to retrieve a skillet from under the stove. "Now be careful when you turn the burner on, Olivia. I don't want anything … important … getting burnt." She laid her emphasis carefully, suggestively waggling her eyebrows when Olivia threw her an exasperated glance. Smiling smartly, Alex let her lover be and stretched luxuriously in her seat, reaching for the coffee mug the brunette had thumped onto the table.

Ignoring blaring horns, Alex squeezed her sedan into a small spot just along Central Park West. She briskly turned the engine off and pocketed the keys before turning, an almost wicked grin crinkling her expression, to her curious girlfriend. Olivia's eyebrow was cocked wryly at Alex's smile. "Alex, Central Park? What are you planning?"

"Shhhh…" Alex soothed playfully. "Now, darling, I want you to put this on." Alex held up a brightly colored scarf, the corners bunched in her hands, and gestured towards Olivia's eyes.

"A blindfold? Really, Alex, I don't think…"

"Humor me, Liv." She gestured again, smiling encouragingly, and Olivia reluctantly agreed to comply; she could never refuse her tricky blonde anything. Expression bright with excitement, Alex tied the scarf around her girlfriend's eyes snugly and carefully adjusted the edges so that Olivia could see nothing. "Now, just stay there and I'll come around and help you out." Olivia sighed with humorous frustration but obediently unbuckled her seatbelt and waited patiently for Alex.

Watching her step and stifling uncharacteristic giggles, Alex walked slowly backwards down a path through the heart of Central Park. She held one of Olivia's hands in both of her own, allowing the brunette to lean both on her and on a cane as she was guided blindly towards her surprise. Though she couldn't see her surroundings, Olivia could sense the blonde's surprising excitement and wracked her thoughts for any clue as to what Alex was up to. However, her attention was soon diverted by the unsettling sensation of being watched. She heard the whisper of voices around her and felt eyes burning through her clothing and the blindfold. Uncertainly, she drew closer to her girlfriend for security and her skin prickled as she began to flush.

Finally, Alex released Olivia's hand and moved to stand behind the brunette, pressing their bodies close. She raised her hands to the blindfold and whispered, "Ready, sweetie?"

"Alex…" Olivia's voice trailed off in shock as Alex tugged the blindfold away. Alex's family was there and Elliot's. Fin, Munch and Cragen grinned from the edge of the large group and, as Olivia gaped in surprise, they began to clap enthusiastically. Alex's father strode toward the two women, chuckling pleasantly at Olivia's stunned expression, and wrapped a warm arm around each woman's shoulders.

"Congratulations, girls," he boasted. "Nancy and I thought that you two deserved a proper engagement party." He leaned slyly to whisper to Olivia, his voice exaggerated and clearly audible to everyone. "Olivia, dear, the blindfold was Alex's idea." A slightly bewildered smile softening her expression, Olivia whipped around to face her girlfriend.

"Alex," she scolded playfully, her shy delight belying her irritated tone.

The blonde shushed her quickly and gestured to the crowd. "Come on, Liv. Our guests are waiting." Blushing an even deeper shade of pink, Olivia followed her girlfriend into the warm fold of their friends and family. Elliot was the first to greet her, punching her gently in the shoulder and smiling widely.

"I assume we're invited to the wedding," he joked. "Now, let's see the rock Cabot bought you. It had better be big." Before she could even offer, he snatched her hand and bent to study it closely before holding it up to show the crowd. "Damn, Alex. You're going to make Kathy jealous!"

Rolling her eyes, Olivia tugged her hand back to return Elliot's familiar greeting in kind. She winked to the Stabler family and retorted, "El, I hate to tell you this but, Alex is a better man than you." Elliot guffawed and turned to his family in mock hurt, allowing his friend a chance to greet the rest of the gathered guests.

They crowded around the two women, planting kisses on their cheeks, squeezing them in warm embraces and vocally admiring the ring on Olivia's finger. After bending down to greet Alex's niece and nephew, Olivia straightened and found herself directly in the path of Nancy's blue gaze. For a short moment, Olivia and Alex's mother looked at each other, hints of uncertainty creasing their eyes. Nancy was the first to break the silence. She took Olivia's hand and folded it firmly between both of her own. "Olivia, I'm glad you're joining our family. I know I don't always show it very clearly, but I truly am happy for you and my daughter." She paused for a moment, as if to continue, before impulsively gathering the brunette in her arms. She held her daughter's fiancé tightly, wordlessly praying to pass on the support and good wishes she couldn't seem to articulate.

Alex had told her parents of Rosenfeld's horrific return but had begged them not to come, not to say anything to Olivia. Nancy had regretfully complied with her daughter's pleading requests. She wanted to be there for Alex, wanted to explain to Olivia her changing feelings, but she settled for an embrace instead. It would have to do for now.

Finally, Nancy released her future daughter-in-law and smiled up at the tall brunette. "Now, Olivia, you're looking far too thin for your own good. Let's have some lunch and get you off your feet. Nicole and Aaron have put out quite a spread and we've all been positively dying to have a taste of everything." She tucked Olivia's free arm in hers and led her through the gathering towards a cluster of folding chairs and a heavily laden table. As she followed, Olivia craned to meet Alex's eyes and smiled with relaxation.

Alex returned her fiance's smile with a playful wave and watched serenely as her mother led the way towards the lunch table. She felt her heart was about to burst with happiness. Her mother had finally accepted her daughter for who she was and Olivia … Alex felt a tear of joy pricking at her eye. Olivia had once confided in Alex that her one wish was to be surrounded by family. Watching her own family enfolding Olivia into their midst, Alex knew that this was the best gift she could have given her dear girlfriend: a real family.

Alex chuckled and leaned to kiss her girlfriend, just barely using her tongue to taste the wine on Olivia's lips. The party dispersed, the two women were alone in the park except for the blanket beneath them, two plastic cups and a bottle of wine with a few glasses missing. The spring sun was beginning to dip in the sky but the air was still warm and Alex wanted to enjoy the last few hours of light. She propped herself up on her elbow to lie above the brunette and, using her free hand, she combed her fingers through Olivia's short hair until it stood out at all angles. Laughing again, she eased herself back to lie looking up at the oak leaves and blue sky, her head pillowed on Olivia's shoulder.

The party had been wonderful; Alex reminded herself to thank her mother again for the idea. It was so unusual, having her mother welcome Olivia into her family. From the time Alex had admitted to her sexual preferences, Nancy had refused to acknowledge her daughter's occasional girlfriends as being anything more than roommates or friends, transitory and short-lived. And Christmas with Olivia hadn't gotten off to a smooth beginning either. Nancy's change of heart – or at least her change in tactics – had only come after her catching a glimpse of Olivia's scarred body. Though she desperately hoped her mother's actions were genuine, a tiny voice in her heart whispered that maybe Nancy simply hoped Alex would grow tired of the brunette. Snarling in her thoughts, Alex shoved those thoughts aside; her mother was innocent until proven otherwise.

Olivia's deep sigh roused Alex from her musings and she craned her neck to peer up at her girlfriend. Her eyes creased with concern. "Are you alright, darling?" she asked gently.

"Yes, Alex. I'm just … happy." Olivia's voice was soft and slow and as she spoke, Alex began to smile contentedly. Those were words she had waited to hear for long months. Despite all of her progress healing emotionally and physically, Alex had constantly perceived the note of deep sadness behind Olivia's eyes and it worried her. But Olivia's simple statement represented a long step towards putting her girlfriend at ease.

In her dreams, Alex constantly saw Harold Rosenfeld's face, first twisted in sickening satisfaction and then contorted with pain as the bullets ripped through his body. The blood always sprayed across the pale tiles of the bathroom, always gushed into Alex's hands in her nightmares. They were so vivid. Sometimes she simply stared at her hands, red and sticky and disgustingly hot. Other times, she looked up and, with horror, saw Olivia's face instead. She watched as her girlfriend clutched the wounds in her belly and fell to her knees. But always, by the time Alex reached her side, the brunette was dead, her cheek cold.

Again, Alex jerked herself back to reality and banished such thoughts from her mind. She would talk to George about her plaguing dreams later. Now, she was in Olivia's arms under a shade tree at the beginning of spring. She just wanted to enjoy their moment together and relish the last moments of a long and pleasant afternoon. Slowly, she scooted upward so she lay at eye level with her girlfriend. Again, she propped herself up onto her elbow, took a long sip of wine from her cup and bent to kiss the brunette. "I'm glad to hear that, darling," she murmured as she pulled away.

Olivia smiled serenely up at her and Alex grinned as she took in the brunette's still spiky hair. Wordlessly, she used her fingers to comb and pat it back into place before placing her palm on Olivia's temple and beginning to stroke gently. They lay like that for a long time, enjoying the cooling air and the warm hues cast by the setting sun and each other's presence. Finally, Alex pushed herself into a sitting position, groaning exaggeratedly and rubbing her numb arm. Hefting the half-full bottle, she raised her cup to Olivia. "Come on, Liv. Let's finish this and go home." Smiling softly, Olivia joined her girlfriend, handing over her cup and moving to lean against the wide tree trunk. Alex poured the wine into both cups, emptying the bottle, and scooted to rest against Olivia's body. She took a long sip and sighed with pleasure. As she exhaled, she felt Olivia's arm snake around her shoulders and tighten until the Alex was held securely against her girlfriend.

"Alex," Olivia murmured. Alex hummed questioningly in response. "Did you put your parents up to this?"

"Me?" Alex asked, her innocence exaggerated. After a moment of Olivia's suspicious sidelong gaze, Alex relented. "Well, it was their idea. I just went along." Olivia laughed softly and raised her glass to her lips.

"Well, whoever thought it up… I want to say thank you."


	37. Chapter 37

Olivia sat on the couch, hunched over so her elbows rested on her knees, and stared down at the object she shifted from one hand to the other. The handcuffs clinked and caught the setting sunlight through the living room window as she contemplated in silence. She thought of what the metal cuffs represented. Justice. Olivia remembered the hundreds of times that she had slapped these bracelets around the wrists of a struggling perpetrator. The satisfaction of completing the first step in serving justice was a feeling she missed sorely. She did not, however, miss the sensation of sinking she felt when she was forced to use the restraints on someone undeserving. She sighed deeply.

The handcuffs also represented power, a privilege she wielded only under the tightest control. She passionately believed that cops should be held to a higher standard and that an officer who let the power go to his head deserved the full punishment merited by that standard. As a detective, Olivia always struggled to ensure that, if the time came, she would be judged righteous by anyone's code. Clasping the metal in one hand, Olivia reached the other up and caressed her throat at just the place where her collar would be when she played with Alex.

She continued to caress the cuffs almost lovingly as she reminisced about the times Alex had taken the cuffs in her own hands. Whenever she did so, the blonde's blue eyes would light up wickedly and rove over her submissive lover. Olivia shivered deliciously at the memory. The cuffs certainly did represent power: the power Alex held over her. Olivia again reached up to run her fingertips lightly along the smooth skin of her throat but was interrupted by the sound of a key in the lock.

Alex stepped into the apartment, sticking her head around the corner to look for Olivia as she slipped off her heels. "Hi, darling," she said crisply before cutting herself off at the sight before her. Olivia twisted around to face her girlfriend over the back of the couch, her eyes lovingly wide at the site of the blonde. "What do you have there?"

A blush suddenly lighting up her cheeks, Olivia slowly lifted her hand into the air to show Alex the metal clutched in her fingers. Alex's eyebrows rose high on her forehead, momentary surprise quickly fading into concern at her lover's strange expression. Gracefully, Alex toed off her shoes and crossed the living room to sit on the sofa. "Are you alright, Liv?" she asked quietly.

Olivia took a slow breath before meeting Alex's gaze and answering. "Yeah. I was just … thinking." Alex laid a hand on her girlfriend's knee.

"Tell me, Olivia," Alex cooed softly. Olivia sighed and resumed shifting the shiny metal bracelets from hand to hand.

"I'm … I'm scared, Alex. Of these," she murmured, punctuating her statement with jerks of the handcuffs in her grip. Alex moved to sit nearer to her girlfriend, pressing her slender thigh against Olivia's and leaning so that their heads were conspiratorially bent together. With her body, Alex sought to create intimacy and block the outside world from Olivia's senses. She wanted to shield them both from intrusion into their private moments and simply feel the tenderness and presence of her lover.

"Why are you scared, darling?" Alex coaxed, her voice calm and quiet.

Olivia sat silently for a long moment, deep in private thoughts, before she whispered her response. "When I look at them, I know that they're just metal. I've used them so many times. But when I imagine them used on me, I feel like I can't breathe." She trailed slowly off.

Alex leaned even closer to her quiet lover, pressing her temple to the brunette's and enjoying the warmth she felt. They sat quietly for a long time, the silence only broken by the clinking of the chain linking the two cuffs. Finally, Olivia sighed and turned slightly to look at Alex. Slowly, she extended the hand grasping the handcuffs to her girlfriend. "Alex, would you … put them …"

Brow wrinkling in concern, Alex took the cuffs, now warm from handling, from Olivia's slack grasp. "You mean, put them on you?" she murmured. Breath hitching, Olivia nodded jerkily and pressed slightly harder against Alex's solid presence. Alex paused lengthily, weighing Olivia's request in her mind against her own qualms about putting her lover through something that could seriously frighten her. Finally, she steeled herself and held out her hand, palm up, to invite Olivia to reach out.

Trembling, Olivia slowly complied, resting her hand in Alex's and exposing her thin wrist. Alex kept her movements almost painfully slow, raising the cuffs in her free hand and letting the bracelet ratchet open. The noise of each click echoed deafeningly in the apartment and Alex curled even closer to Olivia, seeking to exclude the sound from their closeness. Gently, she pressed one half of the circle against the skin of the brunette's wrist and pressed her jaw tightly closed as Olivia flinched. "Shhhhh," she hushed softly, her resolve weakening as she witnessed her girlfriend's obvious and growing distress.

She hesitated, unsure of whether to continue, but Olivia moved for her. Shivering against the blonde, Olivia stretched out her hand and, with nearly imperceptible motions, eased the other half of the bracelet closed. She paused as metal met metal, just before the ends latched closed, and took a deep breath. Setting her expression, Olivia pressed down and flinched as the first notch ratcheted shut. Her breath caught in her throat but she kept her body forcefully still as she tightened the cuff a second notch and then a third, continuing until it was loosely locked around her wrist. Shuddering, Olivia let her free hand fall slack onto the sofa cushion as she stared intently at the silvery bracelet around her wrist.

Alex held her breath, biting her tongue, as she focused tenderly on the woman beside her. Olivia was pale, her breath shaky and rapid, but her jaw was set rigidly and her hand was loosely curled in Alex's palm. Seconds ticked by agonizingly slowly but, even with time seemingly slowed to a crawl, Olivia's movements were sudden. She jerked her hand away, snatching it to press against her stomach. With her free hand, she clawed at the metal, digging her fingers under the cuff and yanking, clawing. Heart high in her throat, Alex leapt to wrap her arms around her lover, grasping both of the brunette's wrists and forcing her hands apart.

"Olivia, calm down. You're okay, just look at me. Listen to my voice, Liv. Liv!" Olivia fought against Alex for long moments, gasping for breath against the phantom pressure bearing down on her chest. Finally, as Alex's panic grew and her strength wavered, the brunette stiffened before gradually letting her body collapse back onto the cushions. Alex held her limp body tightly, catching her breath and willing her heart rate to slow back to normal.

Once Olivia's breathing had eased and her trembling lessened slightly, Alex shifted so that she could look into her face. "Are you alright, Liv?" she asked gently. Olivia only looked at her, her eyes wide and tense, and she remained silent. Suddenly, Alex had an idea.

Again she shifted her position so that Olivia could clearly see her movements. Slowly, she lifted Olivia's hand and held it close to her own. The dangling cuff caught the light for a moment before Alex grasped it and brought it to her own wrist. Quickly, she glanced at Olivia's expression. The brunette was still tense, still breathing heavily, but she was watching. With one efficient and controlled motion, Alex pushed the cuff over her wrist and squeezed until it was securely ratcheted closed.

All was perfectly still and silent for a few heart beats. Then Olivia lunged for Alex's hand, pulling at the cuff, trying to free her fiancé. Her eyes were wild as she began to mutter in a panicked voice. "No, Alex, not you. Not you. I won't let them hurt you, Alex." She continued on and on, the volume gradually increasing from a nearly silent whisper to a series of breathless, strained exclamations.

As Olivia struggled and trembled, Alex maintained her calm. Tenderly, she used her free hand to take hold of one of Olivia's, gripping it tightly and preventing the brunette from struggling with the cuff around Alex's wrist. Her voice low, she purred, "Liv, look at me." She gave her girlfriend a few moments to calm down and process her statement before continuing. "Olivia, I'm not hurt. There's no one here but us and there's nothing to be frightened of." Slowly, the life returned to Olivia's fright-deadened eyes and she focused vaguely on the woman sitting before her.

"Alex," she murmured in a gasping whisper. Alex leaned close to the shaky brunette and cupped her cheek with the palm of her hand, running her thumb lovingly over Olivia's trembling lips.

"I know, sweetie, I know. Just keep breathing, slow and steady." Alex took deep breaths, keeping her gaze locked with Olivia's as the brunette struggled to match her girlfriend's pace. Finally, though her chest rose and fell unsteadily, Olivia seemed reasonably in control and Alex let herself relax a fraction. Gently, she used her cuffed hand to grasp Olivia's. The two metal bracelets clinked together as she caressed her girlfriend's stiff fingers, massaging and squeezing. The contact seemed to further calm the brunette. Hesitantly, Olivia released her desperate grip on Alex's other hand and brought it up to run her fingers around Alex's bound wrist.

Her breath hitched softly as her fingertip met metal and her eyes flicked up to look at Alex. Taking some comfort in the blonde's calm, tender expression, Olivia hooked two fingers under the cuff and tugged gently, testing the metal's solidness. She toyed skittishly with the cuff around Alex's wrist for a few moments, her attention focused narrowly on the contrast between the glinting metal and pale skin.

Eventually, Olivia straightened her back, scooting backwards to rest against the sofa's cushions more comfortably. She leaned sideways to press against Alex, stretching her neck to rest her cheek on Alex's shoulder. With still shuddering motions, Olivia drew Alex's bound hand to rest in her lap, cradling it in both of her own hands. She took a long breath, letting her drawn features relax into a semblance of calm as she held tight to her lover. The clinking of the cuffs still made her jump a little and the sensation of being trapped still clawed at her heart but for the moment she could handle the fear; it no longer overwhelmed her senses.

Alex tilted her head to press her cheek against Olivia's warm, soft hair. "Are you alright, Liv?" she murmured soothingly.

Olivia hummed quietly in response before slowly lifting her head from Alex's shoulder. "Alex, let's just … let's just watch some TV or something." Her voice was steady but very soft, almost sad.

Alex bent to retrieve the remote from the coffee table, handing it to her girlfriend before again reaching to pick up the tiny, silver key. Olivia, however, stopped her with a word. "Not yet. I want to … uh … keep it on. Just a little longer." Alex hesitated, her fingers hovering over the key, before slowly leaning back against the brunette. Olivia was a grown woman, she thought. If this is what she wanted, who was Alex to refuse her? With her free hand, Alex guided Olivia's cheek back onto her shoulder and again bent to nuzzle against her fiance's brown hair. Olivia lifted the remote and flicked on the television, flipping vaguely through the channels before settling for some mindless flick. Dropping the remote back onto the sofa, Olivia consciously relaxed her body so that she rested heavily against Alex. The blonde's solidity and the noise from the television set was soothing and she tried to focus on those sensations rather than on the constant twinges of fear inspired by her bound state. This was good, she thought. She could handle it.

When Alex returned from work the following day, she heaved a sigh of relief as she dropped her briefcase to the floor. She toed off her heels and groaned inwardly; it had been a long day in court and her feet ached awfully. She padded into the living room in her bare feet and was only mildly surprised to find Olivia crouched on the sofa, again playing with her handcuffs. Last night had been traumatic but also a step in the right direction. As Alex moved to take a seat and smile at her girlfriend, she wondered what Olivia had planned for the evening.

The brunette raised her head when she sensed Alex's presence on the sofa and their eyes met. Alex felt her tense, exhausted body begin to relax, fraction by fraction, as she returned Olivia's tame smile. "Hi, Alex," she said sweetly.

"Hey Liv," Alex responded. "How are you feeling?"

Olivia tilted her head a little, turning a portion of her attention back to the handcuffs she played with. "Fine, I guess," she murmured. Suddenly, she blurted, "Alex, I want to try again!" Alex controlled her response, catching herself as she blinked and her body tensed. She took a few calming breaths.

"Alright, darling. But tonight, I want you to do something for me." Olivia only looked at her for a long moment, unreadable emotions ghosting across her expression, before nodding twice. "Good. Now, give me your hands." Her voice held a note of command, though it was tired and gentle, and Olivia obeyed. Slowly, she extended her hands to Alex, wrists turned up. As the blonde lifted the handcuffs from her grasp, Olivia fought to keep her breathing steady and her hands from trembling. She had done it last night; she could do it again.

With movements awash in tenderness, Alex paused for a moment, rubbing the metal between her fingers to warm it. She grasped one of Olivia's hands and very gradually eased the cuff around her wrist, carefully watching the brunette's expression as she did so. To her gratification, only the briefest shadow of fear twitched in Olivia's face as Alex let the cuff click closed.

Both of Olivia's hands were extended, waiting, trembling but patient, for Alex to bind them both, but she took her time. Gently, she held Olivia's bound hand and she ran her fingertips around the brunette's wrist, where smooth skin met metal. Taking in Olivia's reasonably relaxed expression, Alex decided to press a little further. She smiled lovingly at her girlfriend.

"How beautiful," she purred, bringing the palm of Olivia's hands to her lips and lavishing it with tender kisses. "Such a beautiful woman, all mine, to do with as I please." Olivia shuddered but from pleasure, not fear, as Alex judged from the pretty pink color that had come into her girlfriend's cheeks. She gave the brunette's hand one last, lingering kiss before releasing it and reaching for her other wrist.

With motions as slow and gentle as previously, Alex closed the remaining cuff over Olivia's wrist. Sensing Olivia's sudden flinch, Alex took both bound hands in hers and held them firmly, running her thumbs over the back of the brunette's hands. They were warm and trembling and Alex sought to still and soothe them with gentle caresses. Finally, satisfied, Alex released her grasp, but noted Olivia's long, shaky breath. The brunette returned her hands to rest in her lap, letting them twist together, unable to keep them still. Uncertainly, she looked back at her girlfriend. "What did you want, Alex?" she asked carefully.

Smiling reassuringly, Alex turned so that her shoulders rested against the armrest. Languorously, she stretched one leg out along the length of the sofa, pointing her toes briefly as she stretched, before lowering her foot to rest in Olivia's lap. Sighing with pleasure, she repeated the motion with her other leg, only letting her body fully relax when both feet were cushioned on Olivia's thin thighs. Wiggling her eyebrows and toes playfully, she looked up at Olivia. "I want a foot massage, honey," she purred.

Olivia hesitated for a moment and then her expression was brightened by a smile, albeit a small, pale one. She raised her hands to curl around one of Alex's long, narrow feet. She simply held it for a moment, feeling the warmth and tense muscles, before beginning to rub. She began with the blonde's instep, pressing her thumbs deep into flesh and bone and enjoying Alex's long, drawn out moan of pleasure. As she massaged, the clinking of the chain linking her wrists gradually faded from her senses. Instead she focused on the small gasps and sighs from her lover as the blonde slowly relaxed into Olivia's touch.

Alex stretched her toes as Olivia worked and let her mind drift a little. Olivia's hands worked minor miracles on her body, she thought to herself and then laughed a little. She always felt this way when the brunette touched her. Lazily, she opened her blue eyes and took in the sight of Olivia bent over her task. She smiled at the brunette's concentration and her calm posture. It was a sight that, after the long weeks and months of Olivia's tense fearfulness, was infinitely welcome.

The lamp light glinted off of the metal cuffs and warmed Olivia's tan skin. Alex admired the contrast and also the contrast between Olivia's skin and her own. They were so different, came from such different backgrounds, made different life choices and still they came together in the end. Alex smiled and Olivia, noticing, ran one fingernail up the sole of her girlfriend's foot, eliciting a soft yelp and flinch. She laughed lightly and stretched her foot again so that it rested in Olivia's lap. "Quit that, sweetie," she giggled.

Olivia resumed her ministrations on Alex's other foot and Alex shifted to lie in a more comfortable position. Settling back down, she sighed and looked up lovingly at Olivia. "Hey, Liv, tell me a story."

"About what?"

"Tell me … tell me about something when you were little." Olivia frowned briefly, her eyes searching, while her hands continued to massage her girlfriend's tense foot.

"Well, I remember learning to read when I was very young. My mother loved books; she would read anything that held still long enough. She used to read to me at night. And then, one night, she said it was time for me to read to myself and she started teaching me. They were Dr. Seuss books and she used to point to the word and then to the picture so I would learn. By the time I started school, I had been going to the library with her and bringing home stacks of books every week. My teachers didn't believe that I could read. I used to just ignore them and read under my desk while the other kids learned their letters. I got in trouble all the time.

"After that, she didn't read to me anymore. I used to go to her room at night with my book and try to climb into her bed, but she never let me. She said that I could do it myself, that I was a big girl now." She trailed off and intensified her ministrations which had slackened as she spoke. Smiling sadly, Alex gently pulled her feet from Olivia's hands and sat up, scooting across the couch to wrap an arm around her girlfriend's shoulders. Alex raised her free hand to curl around the side of Olivia's throat, brushing her fingers tenderly across the bumpy skin there.

Impulsively, she leaned in and pressed her lips warmly to Olivia's temple. She loved kissing her there, her lips caressing the brunette's delicate skin just where it met her silky hair. Olivia leaned into the blonde's embrace, bringing her hands up and trying to reach her arms around her girlfriend. The clink of the chain reminded her of her bound state and she flinched. But after a moment, the feeling of fear and pressure faded and she instead pressed her hands, palms open, against Alex's chest.

Alex's heart beat vibrated through Olivia's flat hands and the brunette closed her eyes, her own heart eased by the steady rhythm of life flowing through her beloved blonde. Alex turned Olivia's head with a touch and coaxed her to lie against her chest, continuing the pressure until the brunette was all but curled on Alex's lap. She let her hand snake across Olivia's body to twine her fingers with her girlfriend's. "Oh, Olivia," she sighed. "You know that you're going to have to rub my feet every night now, right?"

Olivia laughed, the shaking of her shoulders reverberating in Alex's embrace. She sighed in gentle exasperation and rolled to lie on her back, her head pillowed in the blonde's lap. She looked up at Alex's bent head and smiled. She lifted her bound hands and placed one palm on each of Alex's cheeks, cradling her girlfriend's pale face tenderly. "I suppose so," she murmured.


	38. Chapter 38

The sheer volume of the screaming made Alex's body act on instinct alone; her mind was blank and buzzing with static and sleep. She flipped out of the bed, nearly tripping and falling to her knees when her foot caught in the sheet. Clawing the long hair from her eyes, she whipped around and her breath seemed to violently disappear. Olivia was backed up against the headboard, her knees tight against her chest and her hands outstretched defensively. She sobbed in between her wailing screams, begging someone unseen to get off of her.

Alex's heart fell. They had been doing so well in the days and nights since their experiments with the handcuffs. Alex had almost talked herself into believing that the nightmares were a thing of the past. Tonight, however, brought her crashing back into reality; they were still on the upward slope of a long climb. Her suddenly tense body betraying the terror she struggled to smash down, Alex quickly crawled back onto the bed.

Alex forced her breath to remain even and her movements slow. Every nerve in her body screamed for her to jump to Olivia's rescue, but she knew better. If she were to move suddenly, to lay hands on the terrified brunette without warning, it would only send Olivia spiraling deeper into her nightmare. This was not the first time she had woken to Olivia's wailing and shuddering. Instead, she crept nearer and nearer, her hand extended and her voice murmuring calming nothings.

Once she was within arms' reach, Alex knelt carefully on the mattress. "Liv," she said emphatically but softly. "Liv, wake up. You're having a nightmare, darling. Open your eyes and look at me." As she spoke, she measured her words, maintaining a slow, steady pace and enunciating clearly. To her minor relief, Olivia's screams lessened to mere wails and moans of fright and exhaustion. Reaching out, she gently laid her hand on her girlfriend's forearm. Olivia flinched, but did not pull away entirely.

Encouraged, Alex crept a fraction closer, touching Olivia's shoulder with her free hand. With agonizing slowness, she led her fingers caress upward, trailing over the brunette's collarbone and throat until she cupped her cheek. Pressing gently, she turned Olivia's face to hers. Olivia's eyes were wide and blank, looking through the blonde disconcertingly, though her sobs were increasingly hiccups and soft groans.

Alex ran her fingertips over Olivia's cheekbones soothingly. "Come on, Liv. You're okay, sweetie. Just please wake up, please." As Olivia continued to shudder and tremble, Alex's voice took on a note of desperate pleading. She only wanted her lover to feel safe and calm; the look of sad fear on Olivia's face broke the blonde's heart all over again. Carefully, she moved even nearer and let her arms drape loosely around Olivia's body. She leaned close and nuzzled her nose and lips against the brunette's cheek.

Olivia flinched and whipped her head around to look at Alex. She stared blankly for a long moment before gradual recognition gave life to her brown eyes. "Alex," she whispered shakily.

"Hush, darling," Alex whispered back. "I'm here and you're safe." Olivia lunged with surprising suddenness to embrace her slender girlfriend, clinging to her shoulder and waist with panicked desperation. Alex just managed to maintain her balance, soon settling herself again and holding Olivia with equal tightness. "Shhh, shhh," she whispered over and over again, pressing her lips tenderly to the crown of Olivia's head and doing her best to convey a sense of security to the still-trembling brunette.

Moving gingerly, Alex unfolded her legs in front of her, bracing her back against the headboard so that she could more easily gather her fiancé into her lap. Olivia complied with Alex's every movement, silent but persistent in her grasping for the blonde. Finally, they were comfortable. Alex continued to murmur and hum soothingly as Olivia rested her ear on her girlfriend's chest and let her weeping ease to hitched breathing. They remained that way for a long time, Olivia taking strength and comfort from her lover and Alex all too glad to be in a position to give her those things.

Alex had no idea how much time passed as she held her girlfriend and she was unpleasantly startled when obnoxious knocking reverberated through the apartment. Looking down at the tired brunette in her arms, Alex made a split second decision to remain with her lover and ignore the knocking. After all, it was – she glanced at the glowing clock – four in the morning. Whoever it was, it had to be a mistake. She had just returned her full attention to Olivia when the pounding on the door resumed. "Police! Open up!"

Alex nearly started from her skin at the shouts from the hall. She quickly quenched her violent reaction, moving instead to ease Olivia from her lap before leaping from the bed. She padded rapidly through the apartment, dashing away the tears of frustration and aching tenderness from her eye as she yanked open the door. "This had better be good," she began in a furious whisper before the uniform pushed past her into the apartment.

Face flushing in anger, she whipped around to face the unwelcome intruder and reached to flip on a light. "What the hell," she began again only to be cut off by the man's brusque voice.

"Ma'am, we received reports of screaming and loud noises coming from this apartment. Is there any one else here?"

"Yes," Alex spluttered. "My girlfriend. She's in the bedroom. Listen, I can explain…"

"We need to see her, please." He fell silent when Alex suddenly glanced over his shoulder. In the doorway stood Olivia, her hair wild and her eyes red-rimmed from exhaustion and tears. "Ma'am," the officer barked. "Are you alright?" Olivia nodded slowly, her hand clutching the doorframe for support and her eyes searching Alex for answers.

The officer, recognizing distress, stepped closer to the brunette but stopped short when she flinched violently away. He paused, taking in the brutal scars crisscrossing the skin visible in her tank top and shorts. "Ma'am," he said in a more quiet tone. "You can tell us if you're hurt." His partner stepped near to Alex as the officer spoke, hands ready to grab at the blonde in case she made any sudden moves.

"No," Olivia whispered, her voice barely audible. "I'm not hurt." Striving to save her traumatized lover any further stress, Alex broke in.

"Listen, I can explain this. She's a police officer. You can see her badge if you wish. She has nightmares, intense ones. I'm sorry that the noise disturbed the neighbors, but it's not her fault. Now, if you need anything else, I can come by the station house tomorrow morning."

The officer hesitated for a moment and then turned his attention back to the silent brunette. Moving slowly, he took two steps towards her and extended his hand, offering her his card. "Alright, miss, we'll leave you for now. But, take my card and call me anytime. I mean it." Shyly, Olivia accepted the card, glancing up briefly to meet his eyes.

"It's detective," she said with a little more force. "Not 'miss'."

Taken slightly aback, the officer nodded and stepped away. He turned to Alex. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you ma'am." With one last glance at the detective, he turned and, beckoning to his partner, left the apartment.

As soon as the door clicked shut, Olivia moved unsteadily to meet her girlfriend. "I'm so sorry, Alex," she whispered sadly, repeating herself again. Alex shushed her lovingly, smoothing her short hair with her palm.

"Liv, you don't have to be sorry. You know it's that awful woman next door. She never did like two women living together in her neighborhood. Now come on, let's get back to bed. I'm freezing."

With a hand placed in the small of Olivia's back, Alex guided her girlfriend back to the bedroom and the comfortable security of their shared bed. As long as she could hold Olivia, Alex had no intention of letting anyone disturb the sanctity of their relationship. She loved the brunette and Olivia loved her back. That was all that mattered.


	39. Chapter 39

After twenty minutes of being relentlessly nudged and shaken by Olivia's restless fidgeting, Alex groaned and stretched out an arm to flip on her bedside lamp. "Liv, please. What is it?" she said with a fraction of annoyance coloring her tone.

Olivia sighed and turned under the sheets once more so that she faced away from her girlfriend and the light. Alex propped herself up on her elbow and gently gripped the brunette's upper arm with her free hand. Her heart fell a little when Olivia shook her off irritably and turned further away, shoving the pillow forcibly deeper under her cheek.

Alex matched her girlfriend's sigh and tightened her hold on Olivia's arm. "Olivia, tell me what's wrong," she commanded quietly, pressing the brunette's arm in an attempt to get her to turn and face the worried woman. But Olivia growled weakly and resisted.

"Fine, Olivia. Have it your way," Alex said dismissively, turning to flip the lamp off and return to her efforts at sleep. Before she reached the switch, however, movement beside her stilled her hand. She paused and rolled back onto her side and was welcomed by Olivia's face, though the brunette's eyes refused to meet hers. "Liv, what's wrong?"

Olivia sighed and grumbled but did not answer. Alex remained still, patiently giving her girlfriend a few moments to gather her thoughts before making any further moves. Finally, Olivia murmured, "I'm hungry."

Alex had to stifle a laugh at the answer. "Come on, Liv. We just ate dinner a few hours ago. I know that's not it so tell me the truth."

Again Olivia growled and her fingers toyed anxiously with the edge of the sheet. Alex decided to press on. "Besides, the doctor said no food after nine. It's okay to be nervous, sweetie. I remember when I got my wisdom teeth pulled in college. I was so …"

Olivia made a short, dismissive gesture with her clenched fist and blurted, "Fine, Alex, I'm nervous."

The blonde's expression melted into one of compassion and understanding. "I know, Liv. I am too. But the best thing would be to try and get some sleep. Now, come on. Turn on to your stomach. I know just the thing to help you relax."

Olivia protested gently. "Alex, no, let's just turn out the lights." But she eventually yielded to Alex's silent and physical coaxing. She always did. As soon as the brunette lay on her stomach, arms folded under her turned cheek, Alex rose to her knees and tugged Olivia's shirt to bunch at her shoulders.

Beginning low over her girlfriend's exposed back, Alex began to knead the knotted, tense muscles she found. Her hands were strong and long-fingered and she had done this enough times to know exactly how to compel the stiff body to relax. Soon she was rewarded by results; Olivia's stiff breaths slowed and deepened and the brunette began to moan softly each time Alex's fingers began work on a new knot. With exceeding slowness and tenderness, Alex worked her way higher, pouring the love she felt for her fiancé into the efforts of her capable hands. By the time Alex reached the brunette's shoulders, Olivia's sighs of pleasure were interspersed with yawns.

"There," she said gently. "Now do you feel better?" Olivia responded only with a slightly stifled yawn, scooting close to Alex as the blonde slipped back under the covers and turned off the light. "That's what I thought. Sleep tight, Liv." Ensconced in darkness, Alex laid her head on the pillow and searched to take each of Olivia's hands firmly in her own. She closed her eyes. They really did need to get some rest.

Alex stayed with Olivia for as long as she could, conniving and wheedling until the nurses finally insisted that they simply had to take the brunette to the OR. Wistfully, Alex bent to kiss her girlfriend on the cheek and give her hand one last squeeze. "See you in a little while, darling," she said, smiling. Olivia returned her smile palely before Alex lost sight of her in the crowd of nurses wheeling her away. Alex sighed and allowed an aide to guide her to the waiting room.

As she entered, she was surprised by the sight of Dr. Messer waiting expectantly. "Ms. Cabot," he said. "I just wanted to talk to you for a moment while the nurses prep Ms. Benson. The surgery should take about three hours and I'll send a nurse out periodically to keep you posted. Also, I want to keep her a couple of nights for observation. I didn't bring it up earlier because, as you and I both know, she'd never agree. But you should know that she'll be in a lot of pain after the operation. We'll control it with meds but it's necessary if she wants to walk without pain." He paused to search the blonde's calm but tense expression.

Alex nodded; she knew all of this already and hearing it again wouldn't make it easier. She understood that the pain had to be endured before it got better and she knew Olivia would need her support to get through it. But she appreciated Dr. Messer's efforts to put her mind at ease and she told him as much. He nodded and clasped her shoulder quickly before turning to walk to the OR and attend to his patient.

Alex sat stiffly in a surprisingly uncomfortable chair. She had passed the time uneasily, alternating reading and rereading the same passage in an outdated magazine with staring tensely at the clock. The occasional visits from one of Olivia's nurses informing her that the surgery was going well were brief and desperately welcome respites from her otherwise uninterrupted nerves. Finally, just as Alex thought her fingernails would surely cut through her palms, a nurse appeared in the door and beckoned for the blonde to follow.

Quickly, Alex leapt to her feet and followed closely. As they walked, the nurse spoke. "Ms. Cabot, Ms. Benson is in recovery now. She's just waking up and Dr. Messer thought it would be best if you were there. Now, there's a glass of juice for her to drink as she comes out of it and plenty of pre-warmed blankets available if she feels chilled. We'll check up on you two regularly but, if you need something, just call one of us. Here we are." She pulled back a privacy curtain and ushered Alex inside. A chair had already been placed near the head of the bed and the nurse gestured towards it before retreating to see to her other recovering patients.

Alex turned to face the bed and the sight made her heart fall to the pit of her stomach. Mechanically, the blonde searched for the right word to describe the expression on her lover's face. Silent tears spilled rapidly from her partially opened eyes and her face was blankly, indescribably sorrowful. Weeping, Alex thought to herself. Her tears lacked the violence of sobs and her face was too relaxed for that of a crying woman. Olivia was weeping, each slow hitch of her chest giving Alex only a glimpse of the deep heartache the brunette's tears belied. Alex sank heavily on to the available chair and reached for the handy box of tissues.

Lovingly, Alex dabbed gently at the tears wetting Olivia's cheeks. This weeping broke Alex's heart and she searched herself for any action she might take to give her dear girlfriend comfort. Suddenly, a new nurse poked her head behind the flimsy curtain. "How's my patient doing?" she asked cheerfully but quietly.

Alex looked questioningly up at her welcome face. "Um, she's crying. I don't know what's wrong." She fell quiet as the nurse smiled reassuringly.

"Don't worry, Ms. Cabot. It's perfectly normal. Sometimes people have strange reactions to the anesthetic. Just sit with her and she'll be alright in a few minutes." Strangely calm, Alex nodded in acceptance and returned her attention to her fiancé. Olivia continued to weep, seemingly unaware of Alex's or anyone else's presence. Again, Alex dried the brunette's tears and, sighing, took stock of the situation.

Olivia was covered from head to toe in thick, pale blue blankets, but Alex could clearly make out that her legs were elevated. Cautiously, she lifted the edge of the blankets and peeked underneath. Olivia's legs were wrapped in white bandages and encased in black plastic braces, the wide bars running from her thigh to her calf separated by curves of black plastic arching over and under her legs. Alex tucked the blankets back in place and steadied herself. Surely it looked worse than it was. She dabbed at Olivia's cheeks and tossed the tissue, reaching for a fresh one. Time, she reminded herself. It would take time and it would be worth it.

Alex patiently persisted with dabbing tears from her beloved girlfriend's face until they finally slowed and then stopped altogether. Olivia breathed shakily and eventually brought her red-rimmed eyes up to meet Alex's. She started in surprise. "Alex," she whispered, her voice gravelly. "How long have you been there?"

"A while," the blonde responded gently. "Are you alright, sweetie? You were crying." Olivia frowned.

"I was? I didn't …" She trailed off, falling silent again. Alex leaned in and smiled tenderly.

"Don't worry about it, Liv. The nurse said it was common. But, really, how do you feel?"

Olivia sighed and shifted gingerly. "I … uh … guess I'm okay. I feel a little foggy and …"

Sensing her girlfriend's growing uncertainty, Alex moved quickly to distract her. She picked up the cup of juice from the nearby table and held the straw to Olivia's dry lips. "Here, sweetie, drink this. It'll make you feel better." Olivia sipped a few times, closing her eyes in concentration and minor relief. After a few moments, she released the straw and let her head fall tiredly back onto the pillow.

Satisfied, Alex replaced the cup and scooted closer to Olivia. Gently but firmly, Alex took Olivia's hand in her own and cradled it tenderly. Olivia struggled to drag her eyes back open but, failing, let her eyelashes fall to rest softly against her cheek. "Shhh," Alex cooed. "That's right, darling. Close your eyes and go back to sleep." As she spoke, she was relieved to witness the slow relaxation of Olivia's body as she eased back into drug-induced slumber.

"Ms. Cabot, I just wanted to tell you a little more about the surgery. We re-fractured both of Ms. Benson's knee caps and replaced the temporary pins with more permanent screws. We also removed part of her left tibia. It healed incorrectly and was probably a major source of her knee pain. The ACL of her left knee was torn and healed but we repaired the tear; she should begin to feel increased steadiness and strength in that leg. The cartilage was damaged and we performed a partial knee replacement in both legs. It all went very well. Do you have any question?" Dr. Messer was gentle and kindly as he spoke, watching Alex carefully. He was all too familiar with the long and painful history of these two women; he wanted to be sure that they were going to make it.

Alex nodded, glancing assuredly at the doctor's calm face. "Is she in pain?"

Dr. Messer took a breath. "Well, we're going to keep her comfortable with medication for a few days. Then she'll start trying to walk with crutches. She'll have to come by once a week for cortisone injections to decrease the inflammation and, after a month or six weeks, she can start physical therapy." He fell silent.

Alex nodded slowly as he spoke, her lawyer's instinct kicking in as she mentally took note of all he said. Finally, she jerked her head gracefully towards the curtained off area and met Dr. Messer's eyes. He returned her glance, smiling kindly, and nodded his permission. He knew that Alex's presence as Olivia recovered would be best for both of them.

Magazine open on her lap, glass of water at her side, Alex sat quietly reading and sipping while she waited for Olivia to wake. After a few hours in the recovery room, Dr. Messer had ordered that Olivia be transferred to a room on the third floor of the hospital where she could have more privacy and quiet. Alex had gratefully followed; she was tired of the constant buzz of nurses seeing to patients and of the intermittent sounds of other men and women slowly waking from general anesthetic.

She and Olivia shared the room with another patient, a woman in her mid-sixties, who was recovering from a mastectomy. Thankfully, the woman was asleep and Alex was left in peace to read her magazine and wait it out. Finally, noises of quiet shuffling and sighing distracted Alex from her reading and she looked up to meet Olivia's disoriented eyes.

"Hey, Liv. How are you feeling?" Olivia sighed in response.

"Okay," she mumbled, shifting her position on the narrow hospital bed. She frowned and swallowed her complaints. She hated hospitals. She had spent too much time in a bed just like this one and she wanted to go home. But she knew that Alex was hanging on her every word and she didn't want to worry her already stressed girlfriend. So she lay back onto the pillows and forced a smile onto her face. "Come here," she asked quietly.

Alex stood, a smile of relief relaxing her tense expression, and moved to perch on the edge of her girlfriend's bed. She leaned to rest her cheek on the pillow, her feet still hanging off the edge of the bed, and brought her arm up to rest across the brunette's chest. She brushed her fingers across Olivia's cheek, alternating her fingertips with her knuckles. Gently, she applied pressure and coaxed Olivia to turn her head. She pressed her lips to her girlfriend's, just touching her and intending to pull back. But Olivia's contented hum and parting lips invited her back with irresistible desire.

Grinning and sliding her hand down to rest at the smooth skin where her girlfriend's neck and shoulder met, Alex obliged and leaned back to kiss the brunette with more passion. She kept her kisses sweet but gentle; they were in a hospital room after all. So she simply enjoyed the intimate contact and the warmth and softness of Olivia's lips. She had almost forgotten where they were when a loud wolf whistle split the air.

Blushing and bringing her hand up to wipe her lips, Alex started and stood. She quickly found the source of the disturbance; the woman lying in the room's second bed was watching her, an amused expression making her brown eyes twinkle. "My goodness," she said with a twanging accent. "I do hope you're married."

Alex laughed out loud. Tenderly, she reached for Olivia's hand, twining the brunette's fingers with her own before lifting their hands into the older woman's view. "Engaged," she said happily, her voice low. The other woman let out a second whistle.

"If my husband had given me a ring like that, maybe he'd still be my husband." She turned her focus to the quiet brunette. "You must be a lucky woman, ma'am." She paused to chuckle. "I'm Delilah, by the way. Pleased to meet you."

Still flushed, Alex nodded and introduced herself and Olivia. She was relieved by Delilah's friendliness and acceptance. No matter where she and Olivia went, Alex was constantly reminded of the narrow minded people who might not be so forgiving of their relationship. Gradually, Alex had learned to ignore those people and to brush off their insults. She was who she was and she loved it. And she wouldn't give Olivia up for anything. But, her pride and love aside, Alex was glad. Staying in a room with someone less tolerant would have been one more stress on her and her girlfriend and, God knew, they didn't need another.


	40. Chapter 40

Alex waited patiently in the parking lot, leaning against the hood of her sedan and fanning herself. It was already hot; New York's springs were always far too fleeting. But she tried to be patient. Olivia's physical therapy appointment was nearly over and Alex had promised to wait outside. She respected Olivia's need for some privacy. After all, Olivia was a grown woman. But that fact did not make Alex any less impatient for her girlfriend to reappear so that they could get something to eat.

Finally, the glass doors opened and Olivia limped out on her crutches. Alex smiled and gave the brunette a brief wave, hurrying around the car to open the passenger door. "Hey, Liv," she said brightly. "How'd it go?"

Olivia gingerly turned and sat in the car, wedging the crutches under the dashboard. "Fine," she grunted stiffly. Alex frowned and gently shut the door behind her girlfriend. She knew the look on Olivia's face. It was the same expression Olivia wore whenever she came home after a particularly hard day. Her lips were set, pressed tightly together, and there were tense creases at the corners of her brown eyes. That expression always worried Alex. Suppressing her concern for the moment, Alex climbed behind the wheel and drove in silence, unwilling to coax her girlfriend to speak until they were more comfortable.

Alex brushed loose strands of hair from her eyes as she stirred the pot of canned soup absentmindedly. It was the best she could do; she had meant to go shopping after picking Olivia up but had decided to drive straight home instead. From the kitchen, she could faintly hear her girlfriend's hushed groans as she finished her shower and changed into fresh clothes. The sounds tugged at Alex's heart. The physical therapy had really taken a lot out of the normally strong brunette and simply making it from the car up to the apartment had been a struggle for her. Alex had silently held the door for her, granting Olivia the dignity of propelling herself without assistance from the blonde. She knew that Olivia craved the independence she felt she had lost and Alex wanted desperately for her to have it. But, she worried about Olivia's drawn face and stiff posture.

The soft clump of the crutches on the apartment's wooden floors announced Olivia's presence and Alex looked over her shoulder, smiling with more enthusiasm then she felt. "Hey, ready for dinner?"

Olivia nodded, her cheeks still bright from exertion and her shower, and settled herself at the dinette table. Balancing the two brimming bowls carefully, Alex joined her and poured them both glasses of ice water. Subtly, Alex spooned her soup and snuck glances at her girlfriend across the table. Olivia stirred her soup slowly, staring at the broth and vegetables, apparently lost in thought. Finally, she lifted her spoon and brought it to her lips, sipping the soup slowly and keeping her eyes downcast.

They ate in silence, only the clinking of spoons and ice cubes breaking the slightly uncomfortable silence. Alex tried to eat slowly but she still finished before Olivia had eaten even half of her bowl. Sighing to herself, Alex rose and carried her dishes to the sink. She flipped on the taps and scrubbed at the bowl, rinsing it and setting it quietly into the dish drain. She turned and started in surprise. Olivia stood just behind her, awkwardly balancing on her crutches and clutching her bowl. Remembering herself, Alex reached for the dish but stopped short as Olivia scowled.

"I can do it, Alex," she growled cruelly. Stunned into silence, Alex wordlessly stepped aside, turning away from her frowning girlfriend and towards the living room. As she crossed to the sofa, she could hear Olivia furiously washing her dishes and cursing under her breath. Biting her tongue, Alex took a breath and flipped on the television. She focused with phony intensity at the entertainment recap playing on the television as Olivia thumped into the living room and threw herself down on the opposite end of the sofa. As the brunette struggled for a few long moments to position the ottoman so she could rest her knees, Alex fought to keep her attention on the television. She knew from experience that the only way to deal with Olivia when she was in a mood was to let the brunette work it out herself. She would eventually come around.

Finally, Olivia gritted her teeth, let the crutches fall to the rug and settled furiously against the sofa's cushions. She matched Alex's intense, mock attention to the nonsense program until the credits rolled and Alex muted the blaring commercial. As soon as silence filled the apartment, Olivia glanced sideways at her quiet girlfriend. Calming down from her earlier irritability, Olivia's guilt was beginning to slowly intensify. She felt ashamed of her outburst. She knew that Alex only wanted to help her. But sometimes her frustration at her own inabilities overwhelmed her.

Though Alex continued to stare at the commercials, Olivia cleared her throat. "Alex," she murmured. She paused, head ducked low in shame, to wait for Alex to turn her attention. When she met Alex's gaze, Olivia glanced briefly away, her regret making her shy. "I'm sorry about … earlier. I just…" Alex silenced her with a generous smile, quickly scooting across the sofa to be nearer her girlfriend.

"Liv, it's alright," she said quietly. "I don't want to push you. I just need you to tell me what you need." She let her smile widen in contentment. She crooked two fingers under Olivia's chin and, with gentle pressure, lifted her girlfriend's bashfully down turned face. To her gratification, Olivia returned her smile shyly. Alex leaned close and pressed chaste kisses to Olivia's lips, accepting her apology. Slowly, she pulled away and grinned as she felt Olivia's arms snake around her waist. Responding to Olivia's physical coaxing, Alex felt her stresses gradually melt away as she tucked her legs under her and leaned into her girlfriend's embrace.

She rested her cheek against Olivia's collarbone, nuzzling her way under the brunette's chin. Olivia shifted gently to better wrap her arms around her girlfriend and sighed lingeringly. She breathed deeply, inhaling the clean scent of Alex's hair, and tried to force herself to relax. Her knees were aching and her long underused muscles were trembling from exertion. Pushing the memories of her former athleticism aside, Olivia focused on the moment. Keeping Alex in her life was the most important thing to her now; the strength and endurance would return eventually. Instead, she lifted the remote and turned the sound back on, preparing to settle down and watch summer reruns with the love of her life. Though her own frustrations and pettiness sometimes got in the way, she was sure that she had her priorities straight. And Alex was her first priority.


	41. Chapter 41

Alex stretched her legs languorously along the length of the couch, propping her feet up on a cushion. She was still riding the high of receiving a guilty verdict after weeks of steady work and grueling days in trial. The perp was a rapist, a hit and run criminal with a taste for young women after dark. And now he was convicted and up for sentencing. It was a victory at last, a much needed boost for Alex's flagging confidence. Some days it was almost too much to deal with. It was nice to have a win.

Alex lay across Olivia's lap, her shoulders resting on the brunette's thighs and her head pillowed in the crook of her girlfriend's arm. Grinning up at Olivia's lowered face, Alex wound up the long and detailed story of her day. She reached up and laid a hand on Olivia's cheek. "So, how was your day, honey?"

Olivia laughed and placed her hand on top of Alex's. "Not as exciting as yours," she quipped. "I'm going a little crazy here in the apartment by myself." Alex craned her neck to examine the spotless apartment.

"I can see that. And something smells good. What did you make me?"

"Make you? Who says it's for you? Though," she paused thoughtfully. "I suppose you can have some. Since you won." Olivia laughed at Alex's look of mock insult before coaxing Alex to sit up a little. She bent low and pressed her lips to the blonde's, not exploring or urging, just kissing. Alex sighed into the kiss. After a few moments, she pulled away, smiling, and moved, careful of the brunette's knees, to sit in Olivia's lap. She wrapped her arms around the brunette's shoulders and drew her in for a second kiss. As she felt Olivia's arms move to rest heavily around her waist, Alex slowly parted her lips and let the brunette deepen the kiss. There was no drive behind their kisses, no end goal. They simply enjoyed the intimate touches and the intense closeness within their embrace. Alex closed her eyes and used her fingertips to gently tilt Olivia's head back.

They simply kissed for a long time, alternating between chaste pecks and gradually deeper kisses. Finally, Alex slid her hands up to cup Olivia's face in her palms. She drew back slowly. "So, how does it feel to be engaged to such a talented and fearless attorney?" Olivia chuckled, her smile widening and crow's feet appearing at the corners of her eyes.

"I guess I should ask you how you feel about being engaged to such a talented and fearless trophy wife." Alex leaned in, laughing, to press one more kiss to Olivia's lips. Shifting to sit more comfortably in Olivia's arms, Alex rubbed her thumbs over the brunette's high cheekbones. She took the opportunity to study her fiance's face, to really look at her. The last time she had taken time to do this was too long ago. Of course they still looked at each other, looked with concern or happiness or love. But this was a different type of look. She wanted to memorize every part of Olivia's beautiful face.

At first she was a little nervous. It was disquieting, examining someone else so thoroughly, even though she had seen every part of the brunette many times before. It was the concentration and analysis that contributed to her discomfort. And she could tell that Olivia felt it too. She brought her hands up from Alex's waist and rested them at the base of the blonde's neck. Her dark eyes moved interestedly but a fraction nervously over Alex's unreadable expression. They were still for a long moment before Alex renewed her caresses and relaxed. Slowly, their smiles faded into serenity as they came to an unspoken understanding.

Easing comfortably into the silence, Alex returned her attention to her girlfriend. Olivia was gorgeous. The dark green shirt she wore brought out the exotic olive tones in her soft skin. Her nose had always been a little crooked but, since it had been broken, there was a new angle to its bridge. Alex trailed a fingertip from Olivia's eyebrow to the tip of her nose, memorizing the new shape. She tilted her head to look into Olivia's eyes. They were so dark and rich and rimmed with long black lashes. But something else caught Alex's gaze. She leaned a little closer.

Along the edges of the brunette's eyelids were rows of tiny pinprick scars. Alex frowned a little and brushed her fingertips over Olivia's eyes, coaxing her to close them so she could more clearly see the scars. With regret, Alex's thoughts immediately turned to the night she had found Olivia. She hated what those scars represented, hated the inhuman torture her beloved fiancé had suffered. Breathing warmly across Olivia's skin, she pressed her lips to Olivia's shut eye with feather light pressure as if she could kiss the scars away. She drew back and Olivia opened her eyes. Smiling tenderly, Alex turned her attention to Olivia's lips. Their fullness was something about Olivia's body that Alex simultaneously adored and envied. She cupped her fingers under the brunette's jaw and ran the pad of her thumb over the soft flesh. On anyone else, those lips would be too heavy. But, with Olivia's eyes and her strong jaw, they made her face striking.

Alex leaned down and kissed along the edge of Olivia's lips. There was a similar set of tiny scars there and Alex lavished attention on them with her own lips and tongue. They were so small as to be nearly invisible, but Alex knew they were there. Slowly she tilted her head away and drew her fingers down to caress Olivia's throat.

The scars here were more pronounced. Olivia's neck was long and graceful, the skin a little paler. Alex scratched her fingernails gently over the raised and bumpy scars. These were some of the marks she most hated. They were charged with meaning, with the unwilling submission Olivia had been forced into by a stranger's hands and tools. She hated them because they tainted part of the special relationship she shared with Olivia. The collars they used were signs of reliance, trust and love, not cruelty or hate. Alex let her thoughts run their course for a few moments before pushing them aside and smiling with greater enthusiasm and humor.

She leaned and kissed Olivia, pressing her lips in a path across her cheek until she could brush against Olivia's ear. "Liv," she said, her voice low and intimate. "Do you smell that?"

Olivia stiffened under Alex's touch before tightening her grip on Alex's shoulders and gently urging her to move. "Damn, the chicken," she growled, levering herself reluctantly off the sofa and heading for the kitchen, balancing impatiently on her crutches.

Alex leaned back over the sofa's arm and looked in the direction of the kitchen. "Olivia, don't let my dinner burn!"

Smiling widely, she chuckled as she heard the brunette's snort. "Your dinner," Olivia mumbled loudly so that Alex could clearly hear. "You're lucky you're such a good kisser."

Olivia leaned close to her bathroom mirror, frowning with concentration as she slipped the floss between her teeth. It was the part of her nightly regimen she hated. The floss slipped and dug deeply into her gum. "Son of a bitch," she hissed, yanking the floss free and throwing it into the garbage. Leaning back to the mirror, she pursed her lips to examine the cut. Frowning deeply, she focused on the oozing blood. Damn, she thought and quickly ran the tip of her tongue over her teeth. The salty tang of the blood tingled on her tongue and, unexpectedly, she froze.

The metallic taste flooded her senses. Bile and adrenaline prickled at her stiff form as she stared horrified at the mirror. She blinked. Her mouth was a mess of bloody metal, long needles protruding from her savaged gums and between her dry lips. She inhaled reflexively, the sickly sweet air choking her and rasping in her lungs. Her fingers clenched the cold porcelain edge of the sink, digging in until her knuckles whitened and her nails bent. Then she felt the pain.

It was unbearable and made worse by the hot blood running down her throat. Her eyes rolled and her knees gave out. Her fingers slipped from the sink and she collapsed, landing hard on her knees. Pain exploded from the partially healed joints and the nausea welled too quickly in her throat. Panting with panic and agony, Olivia wheezed and grabbed spasmodically for the garbage can.

Shuddering beginning to take over her body, she retched violently. With each heave, the bile burned her bloody mouth and she put more pressure on her screaming knees. Weakly, she shoved the can away and rolled on her side, fighting against the overwhelming panic blinding her. She clawed at her lips and teeth, searching desperately to rip away the torturing steel. But her fingers met only flesh and bone. She scrabbled wildly, searching for the source of the pulsing agony radiating from her mouth. Horrified, she pulled her fingers away and stared at them. She saw blood, red and shiny, staining her fingers. The needles had to be there. She had seen them. She could see the blood.

A sharp knock on the door startled her and she scrambled away, her heels shoving at the tile floor until her back rested against the cold edge of the bathtub. The knocking ceased but a voice filtered through the door and Olivia's terror-muffled thoughts.

"Liv? Olivia? Are you okay?"

Him. It was him. Fresh fear washed over Olivia's body and broke her out of her frozen state. He would hurt her again. She had to defend herself. Breathing heavily, she yanked herself to her feet and flipped the door's lock. Time, she needed more time. Hands shaking violently, she ran her hands over everything in the small bathroom, searching for a weapon, anything she could use to hurt him. With each step and shift of her weight, shots of pain radiated from her knees, seeming to rip up her legs and spine. She clutched at the wall for balance against her unsteady knees and spotted the metal towel rack. That could work.

The knocking resumed with a more insistent tone and the knob wiggled. "Liv, are you okay? Open the door!" With a growl of effort and pain, Olivia locked her hands around the towel bar and yanked. It shifted but remained bolted to the wall. Gritting her teeth, she yanked again and stumbled back, the steel bar gripped tightly in her fists. She took a deep, trembling breath and curled her lips back in grim determination. The knob moved again and she dimly recognized the sound of the tiny, hex-head key being inserted into the lock. She tensed, drawing the towel bar back. She had only one chance.

The knob turned and the door swung open slowly. Clamping her jaw down forcefully, Olivia lashed out with the bar and shoved her way out of the bathroom. She whipped around, the bar again drawn back and at the ready. She snarled and then froze. Alex.

Alex shifted tensely back to her knees and levered herself back to her feet with a hand on the bedside table. Her hand was clamped over her jaw and cheek and she slowly extended the other in a gesture of peace. Her blue eyes carefully watched Olivia's drawn expression and shaking hands. "Liv, calm down. It's me."

Olivia dropped the bar, ignoring it as it clattered to the floor. She took a shuddering breath as she let her hands fall slowly to her sides. "Alex," she gasped. "I'm …"

Alex took a small step forward, her posture tense and ready for flight. "Liv, are you okay?" She spoke in a calm whisper. Only her eyes betrayed the fear and uncertainty she felt. She took a second step. Olivia jerked and her knees suddenly faltered. Hesitation forgotten, Alex rushed forward and wrapped her arms around the brunette's waist. Stumbling under Olivia's limp weight, Alex guided both of them to the floor. She leaned back against the edge of the bed and pressed Olivia tightly against her body.

"Olivia, darling, please. Say something." She held her securely, digging her long fingers firmly into the brunette's soft flesh to anchor them both. Her thoughts whirled. What had happened in the bathroom? Olivia shook in her arms and her breath hissed between her teeth. Alex bent her head low over her fiancé and nuzzled against her soft brown hair.

She comforted Olivia silently for a long time. The brunette's ragged breaths gradually intensified into racking sobs and Alex held her even more tightly. Alex resisted the urge to talk to her, to use words to sooth the sobbing brunette. Olivia needed to work through this on her own for a while. It was Alex's place to hold her and remind her that they were safe.

Finally, Olivia shifted in the blonde's embrace and looked up at Alex. She extended one wildly trembling hand and touched her fingers to the rapidly forming bruise on Alex's jaw. Her lips parted and her jaw worked wordlessly for a long moment as she brushed the injury with the lightest possible touch. Her brown eyes creased in sorrow. "Alex," she whispered shakily. "I'm … so sorry."

Alex made quiet, comforting noises deep in her throat to hush her fiancé. "Liv, it's alright. Just tell me what's wrong. Please, darling." Olivia shuddered and turned her face away from Alex.

"He was here. He hurt me, put … needles in my … I thought it was him…" she whispered, her voice trailing away.

Alex nodded sadly. "I know, Liv. I know. But he's dead. He can't hurt you anymore. You'll always be safe with me. Do you know that?" Olivia nodded, taking a breath and mumbling something so soft that Alex couldn't hear.

"What did you say?"

Olivia cleared her throat and turned her eyes further from Alex's searching gaze. "Will you be safe with me?" Alex choked a little in surprise, tears seeming to well in her eyes from nowhere. She pushed them quickly away. Now was not the time for that.

"Liv, look at me." She paused for the brunette to comply. Once she held Olivia's gaze, she continued. "I'm always safe with you. This was an accident. And it hardly hurts at all." She paused again and then smiled. "I'm just glad you didn't have a crowbar or a brick in there. Then I think we'd be having a very different conversation." To Alex's sad delight, Olivia returned her smile weakly. "Now, are you okay, sweetheart?" Olivia nodded.

"Let's get up and move somewhere more comfortable, Liv." Reluctantly, Alex loosened her tight hold on the brunette's body as Olivia shifted away and struggled to her feet. At her girlfriend's quickly hidden grimace, Alex grasped Olivia's arm. "Your knees," she gasped. She wrapped her arm securely around Olivia's hips. "Come on. Lean on me." Olivia moaned very quietly as Alex guided her into the living room and eased her onto the sofa.

Alex quickly dragged the ottoman over and lifted Olivia's legs onto it. "Let's take a look," she murmured as she started to unwrap the pressure bandages wound around Olivia's healing knees. Her heart's pounding eased as she examined the scarred and still swollen knees. There was some fresh blood oozing from between the jagged stitches and some new purple color blooming around the wounds but it didn't look too serious. "Stay here, I'll be right back." She caressed Olivia's shin before quickly standing and heading back to the bathroom.

She returned soon with fresh gauze and salve and bent to see to Olivia's bloody knees. Once finished, she put the supplies aside and moved to sit close to her girlfriend. She watched silently for a moment before Olivia again raised her hand and touched the fresh bruise on Alex's face. "I'm so, so sorry, Alex. I would never hurt you." Alex again hushed her and smiled.

"I know, Liv. It was an accident. But now you're going to help me figure out a way to explain this to the D.A.'s office tomorrow morning. You'd better start thinking." Olivia laughed reflexively though it was without much feeling or real enthusiasm. Her eyes flickered up to Alex's.

"Well you could always tell them you walked into a door."


	42. Chapter 42

Alex had held herself together all night. Once Olivia's sobs had subsided, she had heated water for tea and poured it over two tea bags. The two women sat in uncomfortable silence at the kitchen table, each staring at the swirling liquid and sugar crystals and the motion of the silver spoons as she stirred without drinking. When it got to be too much, Alex cleared the table and dumped the cold tea down the drain without a second thought. She jabbed at the ceramic vaguely with the soapy sponge and dropped them into the dish drain when she couldn't think of another reason to stay at the sink. Wordlessly, she had coaxed Olivia to the bedroom and into bed, lying beside the brunette and switching off the lights. She tried to shut her eyes but couldn't. Eventually, she instinctually recognized that Olivia had fallen asleep and she rolled away, releasing her hold on the sleeping woman. Right now, she simply couldn't bear to be so close to her fiancé.

Alex curled tightly into herself, drawing her knees high and twisting her hands just under her chin. She drew long, shuddering breaths and moved only sporadically wipe single tears from below her eyes. Gradually, the tears began to come faster and faster until her silent crying intensified into real sobs. Her muscles were tight, tense, and she opened her mouth in silent screams and desperate gasps for breath. Finally, she flung herself from the bed and into the living room, maintaining her wits sufficiently to quietly close the bedroom door after her. It was only then that she let her anguish take hold. She stumbled forward and fell to her knees, digging furiously through her purse until her fingers closed around the cold weight of her cell phone.

Dashing the tears from her eyes, she cursed quietly. Her hands were shaking violently and, with the tears blinding her, she could hardly focus enough to dial the familiar number. She pressed the phone to her ear and buried her face in the palm of her free hand as the ringing jarred her reeling mind. Finally, a blessed voice interrupted the ringing.

"Hello?" The voice was thick and blurred by sleep. Alex opened her mouth to answer but choked and managed only a strangled sob. There was a pause. "Alex? Is that you?"

Alex choked again and then, coughing, whispered, "George." Her voice was broken and breathy but the word was clear.

"Alex, what's wrong? Is it Olivia?" He hesitated and Alex sobbed again, a heartbreaking sound. "Are you at your apartment?"

"Ye … yes."

"Stay where you are. I'll be there in…" He paused and Alex could only assume he checked the clock. "Twenty-five minutes. I'll be there in twenty-five minutes."

"Okay," Alex whispered and the line went dead. Alex let the phone slip from her fingers and she let herself fall forward over her bent knees. Chest heaving, she pressed her forehead to the cool floor. Twenty-five minutes, she whispered to herself between breaths. She could do twenty-five minutes.

The soft knock finally brought Alex back from her shocked stupor. She had no idea of how long the sound had been continuing. Slowly, she unfolded her tall body, groaning at the protestations of her stiff joints. She limped to the door and peeked through the peephole. It was Huang. The memory of her brief phone call suddenly rushed back and she ripped the chain off and yanked the door open. "George," she gasped.

The short man nodded, stepping silently forward and past the stricken blonde. Alex looked terrible and he knew she wouldn't want to discuss whatever was going on in the hallway. Jerkily, Alex closed the door behind him and followed his sure, calm steps to her own kitchen. She was blankly thankful for his surety. Without his momentum, Alex wasn't sure she had the ability to move.

He guided her to sit at the table with a gentle touch to her arm. He took a few moments to pour two glasses of water before taking a seat and pushing a glass towards the silent blonde. Taking a deep breath, he steadied his customary professional façade and studied Alex's face. Her eyes were puffy and red from crying and her cheeks were ghost white. Her long fingers shook as she folded them around the glass, her knuckles turning white. She looked like a drowning woman clinging to a slippery rock, her only hope. Trembling, she lifted the glass to her lips and took a sip. As she moved, her long hair fell back from her face and George's breath caught in his throat. The kitchen light, dim as it was, revealed a hideous, swollen bruise disfiguring her fine jaw.

Huang quickly stilled his physician's reflex to reach for the blonde and examine the injury. He didn't want to startle her and the bruise could wait a little longer. Instead, he began to speak softly to her as soon as she replaced the glass on the table.

"Alex, how did that happen?" He folded his hands on the table and fixed Alex with his best soothing look. As he spoke, Alex's hand flew up to cover the bruise. Her blue eyes flickered up to meet Huang's and back down to focus on the water glass. She clenched her jaw but her shoulders shuddered.

Huang allowed her a long pause to gather herself before he continued. "Did Olivia do that?" Another silence. Then Alex nodded slowly, her gaze still consciously avoiding the doctor's. "Why?" Alex flinched at the question.

Alex berated herself. She knew she had called George out in the middle of the night. She had to at least talk to him. Finally, she steeled herself and began though she could only force a whisper. "She was scared. She didn't mean to." She gulped in a vain effort to subdue the waves of intense emotion roiling within her body. A touch on her hand made her start. She glanced up.

George was leaning far over the table, his hand resting gently over hers. The empathy she read in his expression was too much and her emotions surged uncontrollably. She covered George's fingers with her free hand and let her chin fall onto her chest. Soon a tear fell onto her t-shirt followed by another and another until she was crying quietly in the comforting presence of her friend. Understanding, Huang let her cry. She needed to let it out before she could talk.

Eventually, as the hill of used tissues grew on the table, Alex's tears quieted to hiccupping sighs and then shaky breathing. Huang decided it was time to begin pressing forward. "Alex, tell me what happened."

"I thought everything was finally okay. I thought … she locked herself in the bathroom. She was crying, I could hear her through the door. She …" Alex paused and rubbed at her eyes with a fresh tissue as her voice broke. "I knew something was wrong and I heard a crash, like something going through the wall. I unlocked the door and she … she attacked me … with the towel bar." Speaking the last words in the barest whisper, Alex fell silent.

Huang closed his eyes for a long moment as he took in his friend's story. He felt for the suffering blonde and her fiancé. This was worse than he had though; it was out of control. Refocusing, Huang looked back up at Alex. "Did she say anything?" Alex nodded absently.

"She talked about … him … Rosenfeld. She said she saw the needles in her mouth and, when I tried to get into the bathroom, she thought he had come back to … to hurt her. Hurt us." She whipped her head up and fixed Huang with wide, determined blue eyes. "She didn't mean to. It wasn't her fault."

"Alex, it's alright, I know. It's PTSD. It sounds like she had a flashback. But for right now, I want to talk about you. Are you and Olivia seeing someone? To talk, I mean." Alex gave a noncommittal nod.

"Liv is. She had a group, one a week. But lately she hasn't been going. The surgery … and the physical therapy. It takes a lot out of her." George listened quietly.

"Sometimes, tiredness or stress can trigger flashbacks in people with PTSD. She needs to keep going to her group. But what about you, Alex? Are you talking to anyone?"

Alex shook her head, once again gluing her eyes to the tabletop. "No, I … I'm fine, really. George, I'm…" Huang tightened his grip on her hand reassuringly.

"Alex, you're not fine. You know that. You need to take care of yourself as well as you care for Olivia. This trauma is yours too. You need a safe place to talk." Alex listened silently as he spoke though her breathing hitched spasmodically. She slowly raised her gaze and looked directly at Huang though it was obvious that she struggled to do so.

"I know," she whispered.

When the sunlight broke through the gap in the curtains and fell across Olivia's face, she rolled over, groaned and reached for Alex. Her fingers met only cold sheets and she pried her eyes open. She stared blankly at the empty space for a long moment before the memories of the previous night crashed over her consciousness. Tearing the blankets from her body, Olivia heaved herself out of bed and, ignoring the stabs of pain in her knees, rushed from the bedroom. Clawing her fingernails through her hair, she called out. "Alex! I'm…" The sight before her stopped her short.

Alex sat up suddenly, blinking wildly as she threw her feet off the sofa and on to the floor. Her expression of surprise and confusion was mirrored in George's face as he jerked to a sitting position on the corner armchair. George, he was here. The information washed through Olivia's thoughts, clearing the sleep from her mind. Her jaw gaped uncertainly.

The doctor was the first to recover himself. "Olivia," he said quietly. "Alex asked me to come over. She was worried." Olivia gripped the doorjamb for support and glanced quickly between George and Alex. She took a tentative step forward, towards Alex and the sofa, but jerked to a stop as the blonde flinched away. Her confused expression gradually transformed into one of overwhelming guilt and regret and she backed away. George held up his hand to still her skittish movement and Olivia shifted her attention to focus on the small man.

Huang pushed the blanket away and stood, taking slow steps towards the brunette. He held his hands out in a gesture of calmness. "Olivia, she told me what happened last night." Olivia gasped and set her jaw tensely. She fixed George with an intense stare, one he recognized from many of her interviews with suspects.

"George, I did it. You have to take me away, she isn't safe. Arrest me, check me into a psych ward, whatever. I don't want to hurt Alex again." George shook his head gently and, reaching out very slowly, touched Olivia's arm. She flinched away but he pressed on, wrapping his fingers firmly around her bicep.

"Let's just talk for a minute, Olivia. Have a seat." With gentle pressure, he propelled her towards the sofa. Olivia sat reluctantly, carefully avoiding Alex's eyes and sitting as far away from the blonde as possible. She hunched her shoulders; everything about her posture screamed guilt. George resisted the urge to sigh with tiredness and took his seat in the armchair.

"Olivia," he started. "Alex mentioned that you missed a few of your group sessions." Olivia started and once again fixed him with that stare, her brown eyes flashing with new anger.

"Huang, that's none of your business." Taking a deep breath, Olivia pressed her lips together and whipped her gaze away to focus on the sofa's arm.

"I know that, Olivia, but Alex called me last night. That makes it my business. Think of Alex. She's scared, not for herself but for you. Think about that." He fell silent. It was up to Olivia now.

Olivia continued to stare at the sofa's arm for a long time, picking at a loose thread in the fabric and breathing through her nose. Her jaw was tight and set. Eventually, however, she worked her jaw and twitched her head slightly toward Alex and the doctor. She parted her lips, attempted to speak, failed and swallowed hard. Twitching again, she managed to speak. "I'm sorry."

Alex impulsively extended her hand to touch the brunette and spoke. "I know, Li…" Her words fell short when her fiancé flinched away, pressing her body more tightly into the cushions. She let her hand fall back onto her lap. She watched Olivia, her pale face furrowed with worry. The silent brunette twisted her hands together for a long moment before reaching her closed hand out to Alex. Slowly, she uncurled her fingers. In her palm was the ring Alex had given her.

"Alex, take it. Please."

Any semblance of control or sense of security Alex still maintained shattered as soon as she saw the delicate ring in Olivia's palm. Blood rushing deafeningly in her ears, she didn't hear Olivia's words; she only watched the brunette's lips move as if in slow motion. Her body seemed paralyzed and her thoughts were only silent screams. She blinked. And blinked again. Her wild thoughts focused and congealed into a single, irresistible pounding. All she could think, over and over again, was one word. No.

Only once she began to see black spots did she realize she had been holding her breath. She exhaled explosively and clenched her fingers tightly around her own thighs, digging her nails deeply into her flesh. The pain anchored her. It helped to clear her mind. She tore her gaze away from the glinting ring and fixed her eyes on Olivia's stricken face. And she began to think like an attorney.

Olivia was scared. She couldn't possibly understand the magnitude of her gesture. Alex mentally shook her head and she rebuked herself. Olivia was a smart, sensitive woman. Alex was certain Olivia knew full well what she had done. No, Olivia still held the ring for Alex to take out of love. She wanted to save Alex the pain of loving an unstable, unpredictable victim. Immediately, a wave of guilt crept into Alex's mind. This was her doing. If only she hadn't called George, Olivia would still be wearing her ring. They might be drinking coffee and laughing at this very moment. Alex cringed and uncertain guilt twisted her expression. Finally, the uncomfortable burning sensation of eyes upon her snapped Alex back to the present. Slowly, she forced her fingers to unclench and she lifted her hands to Olivia's. Gently, her eyes never leaving Olivia's, Alex cupped the brunette's hand in her own and folded it closed over the tiny ring.

"No, Liv," she whispered. "I gave it to you and, no matter what happens, it's yours." Releasing her fiance's hand, Alex folded her fingers in her lap and considered how to continue. This was a conversation she had never anticipated; she wasn't prepared. A beat passed and Olivia opened her mouth to speak but Alex shook her head violently. "No," she snapped, more forcefully than she had intended. "I want you to listen to me now." Olivia flinched and refocused her attention on the loose thread. But, to Alex's tentative relief, Olivia kept her fist closed over the ring and let it rest on her knee.

Alex hesitated for a moment and then shook herself mentally. She had something to say and she would say it. "Olivia, I won't let you run away from me. Do you remember when we first met? We went on four dates before you would tell me anything personal about yourself. You wouldn't tell me stories about being a beat cop or about college. Nothing. But now, we've been together for too long, been through too much, to end it like this." She moved across the sofa until she was near enough to hear the brunette's soft, trembling breaths. Tenderly, she rested her hand on Olivia's thigh, ignoring her flinching and firming her grasp. Through her touch, Alex demanded that Olivia hold her tongue until she had had her say.

"Liv, look at me." Her voice took on a softer, gentler tone. "Liv, I love you. What I feel for you … I didn't think I would ever feel this way about anyone. I won't let you go. I … can't let you go. So we had a bad night, a bad few months. It's been hard, but I don't care. Do you understand, Liv? I don't care!" As she spoke, her voice rose in pitch until her last words were tremulous and too loud. She tightened her grip on Olivia until her hand shook with the effort and her girlfriend finally looked her in the eye.

The raw anguish and terrible guilt mixing in Alex's blue eyes was almost tangible and Olivia recoiled. That look was too much. It hurt. Olivia closed her eyes and tried to breathe. She squeezed the ring clutched in her fist and the pain of the metal biting into her palm made her grimace. The small pain was unsettlingly similar to her relationship with Alex.

She loved the blonde with everything she had. Before Alex, Olivia had maintained an impenetrable shield around her heart. Other men and women had come and gone, the relationships ending as soon as he or she tried to take a step closer. Olivia had always run, turning away coldly and reassuring herself that it was for the best. But Alex had chased after her, chasing and chasing until Olivia couldn't find another excuse to escape. She had relented and submitted to the inexhaustible blonde and she had never regretted it. Until now.

Glancing shyly at Alex, Olivia let her eyes linger on the dark purple bruise marring the blonde's jaw. This wasn't right. Olivia berated herself harshly. How had she been so stupid? All she had done in the past months was take from Alex until the blonde had little left to give. Olivia shuddered. She was a selfish woman. But she would make it right. She gritted her teeth. Damn it, you're a cop, she scolded. Protect and serve. Protect.

"Alex, you don't know what you're asking. What if I hurt you? I couldn't … Alex …" Impulsively, her hand shot out and she touched the bruise. Her expression was one of pure, naked fear and heartbreak. Alex recognized it. It was the same expression Olivia wore sometimes when she collapsed into her desk chair at the precinct or when she came home after coaxing another terrible story from a child too young to even write all of his letters. But this time, the intimacy of that expression was almost too intense for Alex to bear. She swallowed hard, struggling against the overwhelming sorrow that threatened to pull her under.

"Liv, just answer one question. Do you love me?" Alex bit her lip and forced herself to keep looking at the brunette though the painful anticipation of Olivia's answer was excruciating. Olivia was frozen in place under Alex's tender gaze and she hesitated. She searched herself for the strength to lie to Alex, to release her hold on the blonde. She didn't find it.

"Yes." She answered in the barest whisper but, before she even finished the syllable, Alex was in her arms, pressing passionate kisses to her cheeks and forehead and burying her face in the soft skin of Olivia's neck. She balanced on her knees and wrapped her arms tightly around Olivia's shoulders, holding on to the brunette with a vigor she had only ever used once before. This was the second time she had feared losing Olivia. It was the second time she had recovered her. Alex was determined that this would be the last time.

Slowly and reluctantly, Alex drew back and reached for Olivia's still-clenched fist. She cradled it in her own hands for a long time, running her fingertips over the scars on the inside of the brunette's wrist. With one hand, she began to pry Olivia's fingers open, her heart hardly daring to rejoice as her girlfriend relaxed and complied with Alex's unspoken request. Delicately, Alex took the ring from Olivia's palm and held it up to the light. It was a beautiful piece of jewelry. The diamond glinted brightly in the filtered, morning light and Alex tilted it and squinted to read the inscription. She smiled softly to herself. It was beautiful but it was so much more than that. It was a promise and a future. She turned her attention back to her silent girlfriend.

Gently, she turned Olivia's hand over so that it rested on Alex's, palm to palm. She softened her expression and whispered. "Olivia, will you still marry me?" Gradually, almost too slow to be perceived, Olivia nodded, her eyes locked in Alex's steady gaze. Alex slipped the ring back onto Olivia's finger and sandwiched her fiance's hand between both of her own.

"Olivia, promise me that you'll never take this off again." Olivia nodded and parted her lips to speak. But, before she uttered a single word, a scuffed step made them both jump nervously. Huang, it was only Huang.

A sheepish smile crossed his face as he froze, one arm stuffed in his jacket. He looked down at the two gaping women and laughed a little nervously. "Sorry, I uh … hid in the bedroom so you would have some privacy, but I probably need to get going…" He trailed off, embarrassed. Alex was the first to break out of the awkward silence. She squeezed Olivia's hand one last time before fairly hopping off the sofa.

"Nonsense," she insisted, relieved. "Sit. I'll make coffee." She brushed by the shorter man and strode to the kitchen. Huang watched her go and then turned to look, bewildered, at Olivia. Her eyes were wide but a faint smile crept onto her face and she shrugged. It would be nice to have some coffee, she mused.


	43. Chapter 43

Though Olivia wore her ring, day and night, and curled into Alex's warm embrace when they went to sleep, their relationship was hesitant, even shy. Both women were shaken to the core. Throughout the winter and spring they had fought for each other but, as the summer heat peaked, they became reserved. Olivia kept to herself, consciously avoiding scenarios that might erupt into another flashback. She couldn't bear even the thought of accidentally lashing out at Alex again. She was wary of the monster she always suspected hid in her very genes. She had never let it win before and she refused to let it out ever again, but still she was cautious.

Alex kept a watchful eye on her struggling fiancé. She wanted her old Olivia back but she didn't press her. This was a setback, just a setback. They could handle this. Instead, Alex merely made herself available to Olivia. She came home promptly every night and changed into comfortable, approachable clothes. She hung around the kitchen while Olivia cooked or ordered take-out, whatever the brunette wanted. And when they settled down to watch a movie or read the paper, Alex always offered her arm, just in case Olivia wanted to be held. Sometimes she did and sometimes she avoided the intimate contact but Alex was patient.

As the bruise on her jaw began to fade, Alex decided to take Huang's gently given advice. She dug through the stack of papers, bills and junk mail on her desk until she found the card he had given to her and, taking a deep breath, dialed the number. Dr. Wallace was a friend of Huang's from medical school and he had reassured Alex that she was thoroughly experienced in counseling sexual assault victims and their families.

Before her first appointment, Alex sat tensely in the serene waiting room. She crossed and uncrossed her legs restlessly, tapping her foot absently in the air. There was a tiny water feature on a coffee table in the corner. Alex guessed it was supposed to help calm nervous patients. The trickling sounds just made Alex grit her teeth in irritation. She thought of Olivia, wondered what she was doing while Alex was away. Alex laughed a little at her protectiveness. There was a time when Alex believed that she would never care for anyone enough to want to protect them. How wrong she was.

When the doctor opened the office door and invited her in, Alex's laughter died in her chest and she remembered too clearly why she was here. She complied and entered, relieved when the stereotypical psychiatrist's sofa was absent. Instead, there were only arm chairs and Alex gratefully sank into her seat. Dr. Wallace sat opposite her and crossed her legs, balancing a notepad on her knee. The doctor's stillness unnerved Alex and she drummed her fingers nervously. Accusatory glares and psychotic rambling couldn't unsettle Alex; she had too many years in the legal system. But this serenity was almost oppressive.

"My fiancé was raped," she blurted before whipping her head up in surprise. She hadn't anticipated speaking out so suddenly. She frowned a little and watched the doctor warily. Though many of her closest colleagues and friends knew about Olivia's attack, this was the first time Alex had ever told someone directly. She was unsure of what to expect.

Dr. Wallace simply nodded. "Yes, I know. Dr. Huang called a few weeks ago and told me to expect your call. Ms. Cabot, may I call you Alex?" Alex nodded stiffly. "Alex, let me tell you a little about myself. I've been a psychologist for twenty-two years. In this time, I've treated patients for a wide variety of psychological disorders, but my real specialty is helping victims of sexual assaults. I understand how traumatic rape can be. But I often feel that the trauma suffered by the victim's loved ones is neglected. Recovery is not something only victims deserve, Alex. Husbands, parents, siblings, they all need a safe place to come for help when they need it. I'm very glad you came today, Alex."

As the doctor spoke, Alex stared at her almost blankly. The words washed over her in a blur and she felt nothing, absolutely nothing. But when the doctor said her name, it all crashed down upon her shoulders at once. Her straight posture slumped a little and she unconsciously stopped her foot's incessant tapping. Under all of the heaviness, however, Alex sensed a tiny pinprick of hope. She clung desperately to it and felt her burden lift a little. Maybe this really would help.

Olivia was acutely consciously of the distance she placed between herself and Alex. She had put it there for a reason. She was afraid of letting her guard down and driving Alex away for good. Though she had tried to give Alex back the ring and run back to her old, solitary life, she was unspeakably grateful for the blonde steadfastness. But, in the back of her mind, she knew that Alex couldn't be the strong one forever. Olivia had already witnessed a break in Alex's tough façade. She had to try and hold herself together, for Alex's sake.

But soon her resolve to remain aloof faltered and she found herself craving Alex's touch with surprising intensity. It wasn't simple touches she missed; Alex was always ready to hold her or caress her cheek. She wanted more intimate contact with her beautiful blonde. She wanted Alex's fingers and lips on her, all over her. But she was afraid. And, while the bruise on Alex's jaw constantly reminded her of her offense, Olivia simply couldn't ask that of her fiancé.

Eventually, though, when Alex's pale complexion was back to normal and Olivia couldn't stand to wait any longer, she asked. They were curled together on the couch watching summer reruns. At least Olivia pretended to watch while Alex nuzzled against the brunette's neck, pressing kisses and gentle nips along the long line of her throat. Driven to distraction, Olivia reached up and cupped Alex's cheek. "Alex," she murmured in a low voice. "I want you." Instantly, Alex sat up and looked down at her lover.

"Are you sure?" Her tone was even and serious but her lips trembled with a barely repressed grin and her heart leapt when Olivia nodded. She leaned down to capture Olivia's lips, intent on making full use of the opportunity granted to her but she was stopped by Olivia's hand.

"Alex, wait." True to the promise she had made to Olivia all those months ago, Alex drew back quickly when Olivia asked her to. "It's just … I'm scared … that I'll hurt you. Could you …" Alex rocked back a little further onto her heels and considered Olivia's request. She thought she understood but she had to be sure.

"Liv, we can do anything you want but I need to be sure. I want you to say it." Olivia met her gaze, uncertainty and desire darkening her eyes, and after a short pause, she spoke.

"Alex, I want … I need you to … tie me down."

Olivia squirmed in her bonds, gently testing their security and letting the feelings of safety and anticipation roll slowly over her. She closed her eyes and waited for Alex's touch. This is what she craved. Alex was the one she wanted. She sighed and relaxed heavily into the pillows.

Alex stepped out of her jeans and dropped her t-shirt to the floor. She crawled onto the mattress and eased herself to lie along Olivia's body though she made sure not to touch the brunette. Instead, she propped her head on her elbow and simply looked. When the mattress dipped under her weight, Olivia turned her head to face Alex and her body tried to follow suit. Alex chuckled when her attempts were halted by the ropes binding her but still didn't touch the brunette. She wanted to enjoy the stunning view for a little longer.

Once Olivia had made her request clear, Alex had wasted little time though she carefully watched and listened for any sign of real reluctance on the brunette's part. She witnessed none. The bindings she used were simple but effective. She threaded long lengths of silky rope through slats in the bed's head- and footboards. Deftly, she eased slipknots around Olivia's wrists and ankles, cautiously ensuring that the loops were snug but not tight. This was one of her favorite rope tricks to use with Olivia. It provided the brunette with the restraint she craved while allowing her a quick and easy exit in case she became uncomfortable. In addition, Alex deeply appreciated the beautiful contrast between the dark blue rope and her lover's olive skin. The combination was tantalizingly exotic.

Unable to resist Olivia's long-lidded gaze and the seductive curling of her long fingers, Alex caved and reached out to touch her fiancé. But, there would be no rush tonight. She began with the pad of her index finger, running it over the delicate skin of Olivia's wrist. She drew figure-eights and other patterns while Olivia's fingers twitched and she fought against the urge to laugh. Alex delighted in her girlfriend's ticklishness and decided to torture her a little longer.

Ghosting her fingertip down the length of Olivia's arm to her shoulder, she let it dip quickly to tickle Olivia's underarm. The tiniest amount of stubble pricked at her sensitive fingertip and she intensified her tickling, making Olivia squirm and practically bubble with laughter. She leaned close and pressed her lips to the brunette's ear. In her best seductress's murmur, she purred in Olivia's ear. "All this time and you couldn't even be bothered to shave? I think you'll have to be punished." She drew back and returned her attention to Olivia's oversensitive skin. Using all five fingers, she tapped her fingernails rapid-fire up and down the brunette's ribs. She continued until Olivia laughed out loud, torturing both of her girlfriend's sides and relishing the happy sound. Olivia's infectious laugh had been too absent in recent weeks.

When Olivia was gasping for breath, Alex stopped and laid her hand flat on the brunette's quivering abdomen. She waited patiently for her girlfriend's chuckles to subside before speaking. "Had enough, Liv?" Olivia inhaled slowly and looked up at Alex, her eyelids heavy and a smile of real contentment playing at the corners of her lips. Her smile widened and she nodded gently.

Alex pursed her lips playfully and acted as if she were deep in thought, carefully considering how to touch her lover next. After an extra long pause to let the anticipation grow, Alex decided. Olivia's chest was still heaving as she caught her breath and the movements made her full breasts bob deliciously. The sight was irresistible and Alex was in no mood to deny herself any pleasure this evening. Trailing her hand over Olivia's flat stomach, she drew lazy circles around her breasts. Ever so slowly, she made the circles smaller and smaller until her fingertip whispered over one dusty pink nipple. Alex smiled intensely and a fresh spark of desire warmed between her legs as Olivia's nipple responded instantly to her gentle touch.

She repeated the process on Olivia's other breast with the same slow exactness, drawing the brunette's nipple tight with the slightest pressure. Olivia moaned quietly. Alex was driving her crazy and the blonde knew it. She bit her lip and tugged at the ropes restraining her wrists in a useless effort to coax the blonde to make her move. She wanted Alex now and the teasing was only intensifying her need. Her squirms did not go unnoticed and Alex molded her hand along the curve of Olivia's breast. She brushed her thumb over the already taut nipple again and again, grinning at her lover's wheedling moan.

"Liv, my hand is getting so tired. I think I should touch you some other way for a while." She paused to let the words sink in before continuing in a lower tone. "What do you think I should use?" She grinned wider and a hint of predation curved her lips wickedly. Olivia's eyes had flown open at the question and she blinked, the words sinking slowly through her desire-muddled thoughts. Alex prodded her to answer with a sudden pinch to her nipple. "Liv? Did you hear me?"

Olivia yelped lightly at the unexpected pain and gasped her answer. "Your lips," she said breathlessly. Alex leaned a little closer and resumed brushing her thumb over Olivia's nipple.

"What else?" she cooed.

Olivia sighed pleasurably. "Your teeth."

Alex scratched gently along the side of Olivia's breast with her fingernails. "Would you like it if I used my tongue, Olivia?"

"Yes. Please, Alex!"

Careful not to touch Olivia with any other part of her body, Alex leaned down and ravished the brunette's mouth. She had intended for the kiss to be gentle and teasing but, Olivia's rapid breathing and flushed cheeks were simply too inviting. She sucked and nipped at her fiance's lips. Soon she used bruising force and their teeth crashed together. She tasted traces of wine and the peaches Olivia had sliced for dessert. It was an intoxicating combination and Alex continued to enjoy it until she simply could go no longer without taking a breath. Reluctantly, she drew away and balanced on her elbow to catch her breath.

Alex took a moment to steady herself. An insistent part of her wanted to drop the pretenses and take Olivia now. She knew the brunette wanted it. But Alex resisted. She wanted to draw Olivia out slowly. She had been so tense, so reserved, recently. Alex's goal was to drive Olivia gradually closer and closer to the edge until she couldn't take it anymore. Only then would Alex push her over. She wanted the brunette to scream.

So, instead of resuming her caresses immediately, Alex paused to enjoy the moment with all of her senses. Olivia's lips were kiss-swollen and a few beads of sweat dotted her forehead though goosebumps textured much of the rest of her body. Her breathing slowed as she caught her breath until her chest rose and fell evenly. Alex moved her hand from Olivia's breast and trailed it over her belly, close enough to feel the radiating heat but never actually letting her fingertips meet skin. Alex let her eyes close briefly. If she concentrated, she was sure she could detect the faint, heady scent of Olivia's arousal. Now she only had to taste.

Rolling slightly, Alex brought her lips to the hollow at the base of Olivia's throat. She pressed a soft kiss there before tasting the soft skin. Olivia tasted like salt and fresh laundry and something uniquely hers. Alex moaned very softly against her lover's flesh and she began a slow downward path over Olivia's collarbone. She kissed Olivia over and over, moving to nuzzle sweetly against the brunette's impossibly soft breast. Olivia's request popping to the forefront of her thoughts, Alex grinned and bit into her girlfriend's flesh. Olivia gasped, though Alex applied hardly any pressure; she wanted to startle her, not cause pain. And, judging from the fresh flush reddening Olivia's tan skin, she was successful.

Keeping her own desire carefully in check, Alex took her time. Her movements were languorous and almost lazy as she kissed and nibbled one breast and then the other. Olivia moved under her, arching her back and presenting her sensitized breasts deliciously for Alex's enjoyment. She chuckled and maintained her pace, her enjoyment heightened by the soft rustling of the ropes against the wooden bed frame. The bindings weren't tight or particularly restrictive; Olivia's arms were bent at ninety degree angles and her hands rested by her cheeks as she strained against the ropes. Guessing that Olivia might enjoy having something to do with her hands, Alex decided to adjust her position.

She pulled away, smirking a little at Olivia's whimper of loss, and threw one leg across the brunette's hips so that she knelt straddling her girlfriend's prone body. She bent at the waist until she could lay her hands in Olivia's. Threading their fingers together and taking pleasure in Olivia's tight grip, Alex again drew her fiancé into a deep kiss. This time she let her passion bloom slowly, exploring and tasting decadently and pulling gently away each time Olivia craned her neck to gain more friction. She made sounds of tender rebuke in her throat each time before returning to her attentions.

As Olivia's movements became increasingly insistent and her wordless moans louder, Alex judged that it was time to give her what she wanted. After all, she had behaved so well so far. Easing her fingers from Olivia's grasp, Alex dragged her fingertips luxuriously along the lines of her girlfriend's arms until she cupped each breast in her palm. She edged slowly backwards, creeping precariously down Olivia's body on her knees until she was tucked between Olivia's spread legs. Gently and then with growing pressure, Alex rolled both of Olivia's nipples between the thumb and forefinger of each hand. Olivia sighed heavily, desire making her expression slack. Alex shuddered with pleasure at the sight of her lover so gorgeously wanton before her. The sight alone was like a bolt of heat straight through her core. Securely bound and writhing under Alex's touch, Olivia's body seemed like it had been created exclusively for pleasure.

Alternating sharp and gentler touches, Alex mirrored her actions on both of Olivia's breasts. Satisfied that Olivia was as ready as possible, Alex lowered her mouth once again to her lover's body. She swirled her tongue in Olivia's navel, tasting soap and inhaling the musky aroma. With impossible slowness contrasted with firm deliberateness, Alex traced a random pattern of wet kisses across Olivia's belly, wandering lazily toward her ultimate goal.

She paused, inhaling the strong scent of Olivia's obvious desire and planning her next move. She soothed Olivia's pebbled nipples with gentle caresses while she paused, grinning as she gathered herself. As she nuzzled her nose and lips suddenly between Olivia's thighs, she pinched her lover's nipples sharply, adding the new sensation of her fingernails and eliciting a loud yelp. She grinned into Olivia's flesh and her assault on the warm, silky flesh with wild abandon. Her teasing was over. Now she wanted to make Olivia writhe and scream.

Alex used every trick she could think of. She caressed and squeezed Olivia's breasts. She tickled with the tip of her tongue and used her teeth to nip gently along the velvety folds of Olivia's labia. She ran the flat of her tongue over Olivia's clitoris and, speaking loudly in order to be heard, she groaned words of explicit appreciation and desire for her lover. Olivia arched her back until her hips were lifted completely off of the mattress. She moaned and stuttered syllables that were unintelligible more often than not. She gasped Alex's name and hissed fierce, pleading expletives as Alex sucked and delved deeper.

As Olivia's voice rose in pitch and her breath hitched wildly in her chest, Alex decided it was time for her final move. She lifted one hand from Olivia's breast and brought it to the brunette's core. Gently but with firm insistence, Alex eased one long finger into her fiancé, searching for the spot that she knew from extensive experience would make Olivia lose control. Finding it, she curled her fingertip gently within her lover at the same time she pursed her lips and sucked forcefully on Olivia's oversensitive clit. The combination was exquisite.

Olivia writhed wildly. Her heels scrabbled for purchase on the smooth sheets and she jerked her wrists violently against the infuriating restraints. She wanted to bury her hands in Alex's long hair and weave the strands in her fingers. She wanted more of Alex's mouth and her fingers. She wanted more. Any coherent thought of her lover was quickly scrambled, however, as waves of too-intense pleasure swamped her mind. Her senses were too acute. She felt Alex everywhere. Alex's scent filled her nostrils, her voice thundered in her ears. It was beyond anything she had ever experienced.

Incredibly slowly, Olivia's wits returned. She felt Alex's strong hands gripping her hips and easing her exhausted body back onto the mattress. Dimly, she was aware of the ropes slipping from around her ankles and then her wrists. Alex lifted each of her hands from the pillow, gently massaging her wrists before settling them onto her stomach. The mattress dipped slightly as Alex shifted to lie next to her, pressing their bodies together warmly. She snaked one hand behind Olivia's head and brought their lips together for a long, tenderly loving kiss. Breaking away, Alex settled onto the pillow and coaxed Olivia to turn her head so that their gazes met.

"Liv, that was so beautiful. You … I …" After all of her deliberateness, Alex found herself suddenly at a loss for words. Olivia only smiled, her expression one of simple, devoted love. She parted her lips as if to speak but closed them again. She rolled tiredly onto her side.

They lay like that for a long while, resting in the comfortable silence and recovering from their intense intimacy. Finally, Alex turned to switch off the lamp. It was surprisingly late and they were both exhausted. She intended to turn back to Olivia and hold her close but was stopped by the sudden presence of a warm body behind her. A strong arm slipped around her hips and pulled her back into her lover's embrace. Toes caressed her ankles and warm breath tickled her cheek as Olivia nuzzled close. Alex stiffened for a split second; she had wanted to spoon Olivia. But soon she relaxed into her fiance's cuddling and let her eyes flutter closed. Her mind went blank and she thought that was perfect. She didn't want to think of anything more complicated than the sensation of being held by the woman she loved. But, despite her intentions, a stray thought popped into her mind. A night of love-making and she had never once thought of Olivia's scars. It was a first and a welcome one at that.


	44. Chapter 44

Olivia sat, hands clasped and legs crossed, on the uncomfortable chair. No matter how many times she came to her group sessions, the anxiety before the counseling began never grew any easier to endure. And now, after missing a few weeks, her discomfort was particularly intense. A few other women had already filed into the room and had taken their places. They sat in silence without meeting each other's eyes. They were all aware of why each was here and there was simply no easy way to make small talk.

Finally, all of the chairs in the small circle were occupied and the therapist, Dr. Lazaro, waved her hands to begin the session. She quickly glanced around at her patients and noted a few new faces and one that had returned after several weeks of absence. As she greeted them all, Dr. Lazaro quickly formulated her plan for this session before briefly explaining how group therapy worked for the benefit of the new patients.

"I'm so glad you are all here this afternoon. Quickly, I just want to give an introduction to group therapy for our new members. In group, everyone gets their turn to talk. Usually, we focus on one or two of you each session and just talk a little about what's been going on. Everyone is welcome to ask questions or voice opinions so long as they do so with respect. Each one of you has her own story to tell but together we can provide support and understanding. This is a safe space for all of you and what you say here can never leave this room so it is to your benefit to be honest about your feelings. No one will judge you. But you never have to talk if you're not ready. There should be no pressure." She paused and again gave her patients a long glance.

"If it's alright, I'd like to have Olivia begin. She's an experienced member of our group but we haven't heard from her recently. Olivia?" Gently, she turned her attention to the quiet brunette, carefully noting Olivia's look of surprise. But soon, Olivia's expression relaxed into one of somber calm and she nodded slowly. "Great. Why don't you introduce yourself?"

"I'm Olivia. I'm a detective with the NYPD Special Victims' Unit. I was … raped about ten months ago and I've been coming to group for about five months." She trailed off a little uncertainly, unsure of how to proceed. She had so much to talk about but she shied away from the curious stares of the other members of her group. Before she had stopped coming to therapy, Olivia had grown a little more comfortable with sharing but now she felt a little nervous and unpracticed. But, at the encouraging nod of Dr. Lazaro, she tried to find her strength.

"Why don't you talk a little about what has been going on since we last saw you."

Olivia nodded and swallowed hard. "I stopped coming when I had surgery on my knees. They were injured during my … attack. After the surgery, the physical therapy was intense and I was so tired all of the time. I thought that, since I hadn't been having as many flashbacks, I would be okay for a while but…" She hesitated, taking a moment to press her fingertips to her eyes and steady her breath.

"I was flossing my teeth and I cut myself. When I tasted the blood, I… I was back … there. I thought I was going to be raped again and I panicked. My partner, she … tried to comfort me but I… I hit her." Olivia's voice broke and she bent forward to hide her face in her palms, fighting a losing battle against uncontrollable tears. Thankfully, Dr. Lazaro and the other women remained silent and gave her a chance to gather herself. It was not an uncommon occurrence for breakdowns to happen. Instead, a box of tissues was pressed into her free hand and Olivia took the opportunity to dab away her tears before continuing.

"I'm scared that it'll happen again and it just … can't. I'm terrified of the violence I feel inside of me and I'm scared that she'll realize that I'm a monster and leave me. But I'm even more scared that she won't and I'll hurt her again. I feel like I can't trust my own body." These were the last words she managed before real sobs choked off her voice.

Dr. Lazaro nodded serenely as Olivia spoke. The detective was one of her most heart-rending cases. A woman, conceived by rape, who dedicated her life to helping the victims of the same crime and was then brutally attacked not once but twice … such a story could melt the heart of even the most experienced, shielded psychologist. Gently, she used her hands to gesture to the other women that the floor was open for their thoughts. Within their group, Dr. Lazaro knew that there was a wealth of experiences with flashbacks and traumatic reactions. She wanted the other patients to reach out to Olivia and offer their support. Advice from a therapist was one thing, but advice from fellow victims could be so much more powerful.

After a moment of silence, a thin woman with wild curly hair cleared her throat. "I sometimes have flashbacks like that too. Once I woke up screaming and punched my husband in the eye. After that, I felt out of control. If I couldn't even trust myself to sleep, then how could I stay with my husband? But he was understanding. It was an accident, he said. And we made a plan. Now when I have nightmares, he wakes me up by talking to me instead of touching me. That way, I can't accidentally hurt him. We got through it." She paused, giving the group time to think before continuing. "What did your partner do after you hit her?"

Olivia sighed and shuddered. Thinking of Alex's gentleness after her violence made recalling that night almost too emotionally intense. She took a few deep breaths, willing herself to make it through this session. "She was scared. She tried to hide it but I could tell. During the night, she couldn't sleep and she called a friend of ours to come over, a psychiatrist. The next day I tried … I tried to give her back her ring but she wouldn't take it. She says that she feels safe with me but, sometimes, I don't believe it. I … I can't believe it. She had to call someone to stay with her, to defend her against me. I'm a monster and she deserves better than me." Again she fell silent, unable to speak any longer.

Dr. Lazaro decided to step in. "Olivia, we've heard a lot about Alex since we've met you. And from what you've said, it seems like she really loves you. I want you to think hard about why she called your friend, the psychiatrist. You mentioned that you believe she felt she needed protection from you. Why do you think that?"

"I hurt her. I hit her in the face with a towel bar. I found her sleeping in the living room. She couldn't sleep in the same bed as me and I don't blame her."

"Now where does she sleep, Olivia?"

"In the bed. With me. But…"

Dr. Lazaro prepared to respond but before Olivia even finished, another patient broke in. She was a petite blonde woman, nervous and jumpy, and prone to jumping in without invitation. "Olivia, you have to listen to yourself. Alex isn't scared of you. She's just scared. Yes, you hurt her but I'm sure she's more worried about you. I'm here because my twin sister was raped in front of me. She pushed me away for a long time, sometimes emotionally and even physically. But I was never frightened by her, only frightened for her. If she refused to break up with you and if she's still willing to live with you, then you should take her at her word. Move on, Olivia. You didn't mean to, it was an accident, deal with it."

Olivia recoiled momentarily at the sharply spoken words but, slowly, as she pressed a tissue to her eyes, she let the statement soak in. It was true; after that first night, Alex had given her little reason to believe that the blonde was in any way afraid of her. Realization slowly dawned. It wasn't Alex that was afraid, it was herself. It was the same fear that had always nagged at her from the deepest regions of her mind. Her father was a violent man and, later in life, her mother's violence had slowly emerged. She couldn't help but worry that the same violence was her fate, embedded in her very genes.

"I … I guess that it's just me. I'm scared of what I might do. I was … I am the product of rape. The only thing I know about my father is that he was a violent and dangerous man. And, in the past months, I feel like I've lost the last bit of control I had over myself."

Dr. Lazaro broke in. "Olivia, did you want to hurt Alex?"

Olivia whipped her head up and fixed the therapist with a fierce, intense stare. "No. Never."

The doctor met her gaze and nodded deliberately. "Exactly. Your father wanted to cause pain. But you don't. You're a sensitive woman, Olivia. I understand – we all understand – the feeling of being out of control and worrying about what might happen. But the important thing is that you understand that PTSD is a real disorder with real consequences. You do the best you can. You come to sessions and talk, you are honest with your partner and you ask for help when you need it. But sometimes things happen that are beyond your control. And when that happens, you need to do exactly what you're doing right now: you need to come to a safe place and talk about it." She paused and watched Olivia nod, slowly at first and then with more feeling.

Smiling a measured smile, Dr. Lazaro leaned back and decided to move on. Olivia had had enough for the day. She needed time to process before they continued talking. For now, after giving the new patients time to observe how a group session worked, she wanted to give them an opportunity to speak for themselves. At least they could introduce themselves, if they didn't want to share further. As she spoke, she subtly watched Olivia from the corner of her eye. It wasn't often that a patient got under her skin the way Olivia had, but she was hard to resist. After all, Dr. Lazaro had heard Detective Benson's name often during her years as a counselor. And seeing her now in the position of a recovering victim was a terrible turn of fate. It made her consider her own choice of profession and how her life would change should she herself become a victim. She hoped that she could face such a trauma with the same strength and honesty the detective exhibited during each session.


	45. Chapter 45

At first, the physical therapy and attending her group sessions exhausted Olivia. And the New York summer heat was unbearable. By the end of the day, she couldn't rally enough strength to even reheat leftovers for Alex's dinner. Instead, she just lay on the sofa, ice pack under her knees, aspirin and tissues within reach, until Alex came home and joined her in front of the box fan. The heat outside was reaching unbearable intensities and, as the entire city cranked up their air conditioners, Manhattan was plagued by rolling blackouts.

Alex's apartment was beautiful, historic, but, as a result, she had only a window air conditioning unit supplemented by a number of enormous box fans. In past years, the lack of cooling hadn't mattered much to Alex. After all, she usually only came home to shower and fall into bed and by that time of night, the worst of the heat had passed. But now that Olivia was home for much of the day and Alex made sure to come home as early as possible every evening, both women were suffering. It was all Olivia could do to scoot over and repress her exhausted groan as Alex stripped off her suffocating suit and eased herself onto the sofa. She wanted to be held by Alex but it was simply too hot.

It was on a particularly muggy night when Alex came home to a dark building and was forced to take the stairs up to her apartment. By the time she arrived at the door, her blonde hair was plastered irritatingly against her forehead and neck and she knew she'd have to have her suit carefully dry cleaned before she'd even consider wearing it again. Wiping the sweat from her forehead and jamming her key into the apartment door, Alex growled with annoyance. It was time to do something about this. She flung the door open and threw herself into the painfully hot apartment. Kicking the door, it had barely closed before Alex was out of her damp clothes and padding towards the living room.

Olivia was sprawled on the sofa in a pair of shorts and a tank top, her limbs loose and her throat exposed as she let her head hang over the sofa back. Slowly she cracked one eye open. "Hey Alex. It's hot."

Alex laughed tiredly. Apparently she wasn't the only one the heat was getting to. Pouring herself a glass of lukewarm water from the dead refrigerator, Alex threw herself onto the opposite end of the sofa and fanned her face with her hand. "That's it, Liv. I can't take this any more. Labor Day is Monday. We're getting out of here. I don't care where so long as it has air conditioning." Huffing, she turned her head to face Olivia and chuckled at the brunette's overheated smile. Slowly, so as not to generate any unnecessary heat, Alex leaned close and pressed her lips to Olivia's, careful not to touch her girlfriend anywhere else. It was too hot.

Olivia relaxed heavily onto the wooden lounge chair and, shading her eyes with her hand, squinted up at Alex. The blonde wrestled with the red-striped umbrella bolted to the stand between the two lounge chairs. She swore under her breath before it finally popped open. "This is our tax dollars at work," she grumbled. Olivia laughed and tugged at the hem of Alex's blue, cotton sundress.

"Leave it alone," she whined. "And come lay here with me. The breeze feels so good." Alex rolled her eyes and flipped her broad-brimmed sunhat off her head, stuffing it into the tote bag. Sighing, she prodded Olivia until the brunette moved over and she squeezed her body into the meager space. She pushed her large sunglasses up on to the top of her head and smiled at Olivia.

"This is so much better," she murmured, reaching to rest her arm over Olivia's hips. Olivia hummed in agreement and shut her eyes, resting her hand on top of Alex's and relaxing in the warm, ocean breeze.

"Yeah, just wait until Elliot and the kids show up. We might as well take advantage of the quiet now, while we can."

It was only Dickie's childish coaxing that finally got Olivia to shift from her place on the wooden lounge chair. Alex had already tried and tried throughout the afternoon to convince Olivia to take a dip in the cool ocean but to no avail. She knew the brunette had worn her bathing suit under her summer clothes; Alex could see the black straps over her shoulders. Surprisingly, this part of the beach was remarkably uncrowded considering it was a sweltering holiday weekend. But still nothing Alex said could convince Olivia to take off her tank top and shorts. She had hoped that Olivia would have the confidence to go swimming, but she couldn't blame her. A bathing suit would reveal a lot of the worst of her scars. However, Alex still couldn't help a tinge of disappointment. Olivia in a bikini was a sight Alex would never willingly turn down. So, when Dickie tugged relentlessly at Olivia's hand and wheedled in his droll voice, Alex mentally made a note to buy that kid whatever he wanted for his birthday. He was the one person who could get Olivia out of her shorts and in to the water.

Rolling her eyes, Olivia finally gave in to the little boy's persistence and, promising to take her clothes off and go swimming, took his hand out of her own. Alex watched, her face a mask of smiling confidence hiding a tremor of uncertainty. What if Olivia had a flashback or froze in the water? Alex struggled to ignore the small voices and questions in the back of her mind and instead focused on her hopes for the future. If they could get out of the apartment and spend a day at the beach with their friends, then they were ready for everything. Thoughts of their wedding sprang into the forefront of Alex's mind. She grinned to herself. Yes, maybe it was time to raise the subject with Olivia.

Stretching, Alex turned on her back and sprawled to take up the entire lounge chair; she wanted to make it as uninviting to the brunette as possible, just in case she decided to back out of her promise to take Dickie swimming. But, to Alex's delight, Olivia never turned back. She stripped out of her clothes and tossed them across the open tote bag. Sliding her feet from her sandals, she bent and swept Dickie up in her arms, exclaiming happily about how big he had gotten. With a glance over her shoulder at Alex that clearly exhibited both happy expectancy and nervous uncertainty, she headed toward the surf with the small boy clinging to her neck like a monkey.

His high, inquiring voice drifted back to Alex with the salty breeze. Squinting under her sunglasses, she could see his bent head and his chubby pointing arm. "What's that? A boo boo?" he asked excitedly.

Olivia laughed a little and Alex noted that she sounded tense. "Yup, a big boo boo," she crooned, craning her neck to look at the scar he touched on her chest.

"Oh," he said, disappointed. Then, more brightly, he smiled his wide, honest child's smile. "I'll kiss it," he squealed and quickly bent his head. Looking back up he smiled again and Alex could see a matching smile on Olivia's face as she turned her head to look at him.

"All better," she said. "Now, are you ready to get in the water?" He screeched in excitement and Olivia bent to set him on his feet in the wet sand and took his hand. Alex watched them slowly work their way a little deeper into the water, laughing as Dickie clung to Olivia's leg when a wave washed up his legs. Her reverie was broken, however, when a new shadow passed over her eyes. She looked up and grinned broadly. Elliot loomed over her, his glance alternating between the blonde and his partner and son playing in the shallow water.

He stretched his burly arms and sat down on the empty lounge chair. "Thank God you and Liv are here. I don't think I could take any more playing in the surf with the twins without a break. Dickie just can't get enough of the water." He trailed off and stretched his legs out over the end of the lounge, easing back to lie in the umbrella's shade. He turned and looked out of the corner of his eye at the relaxed blonde, noting that she continued to watch Olivia splashing with Dickie. "She looks good," he said.

"Yeah," Alex sighed serenely. "She does."

They were quiet for a moment before Elliot continued. "She's a natural, you know. With kids, I mean. Dickie and Lizzie just love her."

Alex only sighed again. "Yeah."

"Well, how are you doing, Alex?" The blonde was usually more talkative and her relative quiet piqued his concern. He turned his head to look more fully at her profile. He hadn't heard from either woman in several weeks other than his fleeting glimpses of Alex when she stopped by the squad room. She always seemed distracted and he didn't want to press her in front of her colleagues. But now, while they were enjoying the sunshine and relaxing by the seaside, Elliot thought it might be time.

Sensing his eyes upon her, Alex too turned to face her girlfriend's partner. "Elliot, we're actually … okay. We're better than okay. We're great."

"That's great, Alex. Really. And the kids and I are so glad you could join us today. I hope you're hungry too because Kathy and Maureen packed enough food for an army." Alex laughed gently at the image.

"Elliot, we were tearing our hair out in the city. The heat is terrible. We're staying out on Long Island anyway for the weekend. Liv was so happy to get your call. I think she really misses seeing you. And the other detectives."

Elliot chuckled. "Yeah, I bet she's going crazy without any work to do. She must be driving you nuts. How clean is your apartment?"

Alex whipped her eyes to meet Elliot's, humor making them bright. "How did you know?" she asked.

"Alex," he groaned, stretching. "I've known her a long time. She used to scrub the hell out of her apartment every time she had more than a day of vacation. I've never seen an apartment that sterile." He glanced away as his name echoed lightly over the quiet roar of the waves. "Hey, Kathy's calling us. Must be time for sandwiches. Come on, Alex. Let's go have some chips and a beer."

Alex settled herself more comfortably on their hotel suite's sofa and uncrossed her legs, beckoning for Olivia to come and join her. Snorting at the blonde's wheedling expression, Olivia rolled her eyes and reached across the coffee table to pick up the single slice of chocolate cake Alex had ordered as a sweet end to their room service dinner. Anticipating her girlfriend's actions, however, Alex snatched up the dish and held it tantalizingly just beyond Olivia's reach. "You can have some if you come over here, sweetie," she teased. To make her point, Alex used the tip of her long index finger to swipe up a tiny amount of frosting and, keeping her eyes locked with Olivia's, licked her finger with sensuous swirls of her tongue. With a huff, Olivia straightened her robe and stood, walking around the coffee table and made to take a seat on the sofa but she hesitated at Alex's disappointed frown. Wordlessly, Alex curled her finger in a come-hither motion and then patted her lap, making her intentions perfectly clear.

Olivia gave Alex her best grimace of mock-irritation and put her hands authoritatively on her hips. "Really, Alex?" Alex answered only with an innocent expression and patted her lap again, letting her eyes leave Olivia's for the barest moment in order to glance pointedly towards the cake. Finally, sighing, Olivia complied, slipping one arm around Alex's shoulders and easing herself to sit on the blonde's thighs. Lifting her legs to rest her feet on the sofa cushions, Olivia again reached for the cake only to growl with frustration as Alex again held it out of her reach.

"Not so fast, Liv," Alex crooned teasingly. "First, I want something from you. Then I'll see what I can do about a treat for you." Dropping her hand back into her lap, Olivia smirked at Alex, staring her down for a long moment before deciding to give the blonde what she wanted. Curling her fingers in Alex's long hair, Olivia bent to kiss her girlfriend, skipping any semblance of gentleness and deepening the contact almost instantly. Alex groaned and tilted her head back, giving Olivia all the access she wanted. Olivia was the first to break the kiss, gasping for breath and, a sly grin plastered across her expression, dove for the cake. But again Alex was too damnably quick.

"Damn it, Alex. What do you want?" Now her voice took on a real note of irritation. This game was getting on her nerves. Alex only smiled and wrapped her arms loosely around Olivia's waist. A trifle awkwardly, she picked up the fork and cut a bite of cake. Her smile turning wicked, Alex lifted the fork and held it to her girlfriend's lips.

"This is what I wanted. Now, open up, sweetie." Olivia just looked, non-plussed, at her girlfriend for a long moment before a relenting smile toyed at the corners of her mouth. Fixing her eyes intently on Alex's, Olivia slowly licked her lips and opened her mouth. Alex fed her the cake, ripping her gaze away from her girlfriend's eyes to focus on Olivia's full lips as she pulled the fork away and replaced it on the plate.

Letting her eyes flutter closed, Olivia savored the bite of cake and, knowing what it would do to her lover, moaned with exaggerated pleasure. Even over her own low voice, Olivia could hear Alex's sharp intake of breath. As soon as she swallowed, Olivia was startled by the sensation of lips on her own and she quickly relaxed into Alex's hungry kiss. Finally, Alex pulled away and looked up at her. "You had a little chocolate on your lip, honey," she purred, her blue eyes sexily long-lidded. Languorously, she cut a second bite of cake and brought it to her own lips, mimicking her girlfriend's sensuous motions for Olivia's benefit.

Opening her eyes, she again looked up at Olivia. "Mmmm," she moaned. "I had to try it for myself. Here, taste, Olivia." She leaned and brought her mouth to Olivia's, using her tongue and teeth to coax the brunette's lips apart. Without looking, Alex managed to drop the plate with a gentle clatter onto the coffee table, freeing her hands to run up and down Olivia's sides. The brunette responded in kind, tightening her embrace around Alex's shoulders and curling both hands in long, wavy hair. Eventually, when she began to see stars from the lack of air and her lover's intoxicating kisses, Alex eased back and let her head rest on the back of the sofa.

She chuckled a little at Olivia's flushed cheeks and kiss-reddened lips as the brunette growled a little at the loss of contact. Out of pity, Alex leaned close again and pressed a chaste kiss to Olivia's lips, struggling to keep her own desire in check. She could rarely resist Olivia when the brunette fixed her with her signature wordless, longing gaze, but she reigned herself in. Tonight, she had other plans. Placing her palm on Olivia's heated cheek, Alex smiled gently.

"Liv, I had a great time today. Having so much fun with you and Elliot and the kids made me think. About us. About our wedding." At her words, Olivia cocked her eyebrow and looked down at Alex with a mixture of surprise and confusion.

"Our wedding? Alex, I thought we'd just go to the courthouse and get a civil union. I don't need a ceremony or anything."

"Olivia," Alex scolded gently, giving her girlfriend a quick peck. "Neither do I. But you're forgetting about my family. Ever since Christmas, my mother has been calling at least once a week to ask about dates and locations. I don't think I can ignore her for much longer before she'll make the plans herself and we'll both end up in white dresses in front of 500 people." Alex couldn't help breaking off her speech with an impulsive chuckle when she caught sight of the look of horror on Olivia's face.

"Relax, sweetheart. I wouldn't ever let her get away with that. You might wear a white dress, but I'm certainly not going to. But seriously, Liv," she continued, ignoring Olivia's grimace at the mention of wedding dresses. "We need to talk about it. Who knows? It could be fun, right?" She trailed off to give Olivia a chance to think. Eventually, Olivia's face changed back into her customary calm and beautiful expression and she smiled, a little wanly, at her girlfriend.

"Alright, Alex, let's talk about it. But first, what did you do with that cake?"


	46. Chapter 46

Olivia waited just inside the double doors of her apartment building, tapping her foot nervously and alternating between watching the cars along the curb and checking her watch. She tried to calm herself down. It was only a shopping trip, she murmured to herself. Nothing to worry about. But her mind kept sneaking back to the same thoughts: it was a shopping trip with Alex's mother, a shopping trip to find a dress for her wedding. She chuckled inwardly as she conceded that maybe a few nerves wouldn't hurt.

Keeping an eye on the busy traffic in the unseasonably cold fall weather outside, Olivia let her thoughts turn to how she had gotten into this mess. It was Alex's fault, Alex and her damnably sexy eyes. Olivia never could resist that look, the one her girlfriend used only when she wanted something very badly. A few nights previously, Alex had turned her sweeter-than-sugar gaze on Olivia and had even offered her the last spring roll. Olivia had accepted the morsel warily, her instincts set on guard by Alex's pointed look. She knew that whatever Alex had in mind, she probably wasn't going to like it. But, all the same, Olivia knew that she would comply with whatever the blonde asked of her. It always worked that way. So she wasn't surprised when Alex again brought up the topic of their wedding.

Since their conversation during the last heat of summer, Alex had only mentioned the potential ceremony in passing. After all, they both had seemingly more important things to think about. Olivia was still in physical therapy, exhausted after the exercises the therapist put her through, and she now went to multiple group therapy sessions each week. The therapy was helping to ease the nightmares and it had been months since her last real flashback, but it was emotionally tiring. After her sessions, Olivia was silent for hours, sometimes brooding alone and other times simply pleading to lie in Alex's arms. And Alex herself was almost too busy to think about anything but work and Olivia. It was an effort for her to eke out sufficient time for her weekly visit to Dr. Wallace's office. She always made the time, though. She could never let things get so out of hand as she had in the past. But, though she found the energy to take care of herself and Olivia, she had none to spare on planning a wedding ceremony. That is, she didn't have the energy until her mother called and insisted on coming to New York to go dress shopping.

Alex had laughed out loud at her mother's suggestion of shopping for a wedding dress. As a little girl, Alex had never spent time day dreaming about her wedding day. And, now that she was a woman of her own, Alex had no intention of wearing a dress and flowers in front of a crowd of her family and peers and she told her mother as much. But, as she deflected her mother's pained and pleading tones, Alex had an idea. She refused to wear the dress, but that didn't mean Olivia couldn't. And it certainly didn't mean that Alex didn't want to see the brunette in a beautiful dress. A secret smile crossed her face and she suggested her alternative plan to her mother. A silence passed and Alex tried not to chuckle while Nancy let the idea soak in. Her mother finally answered. "Alright, Alex. I'll pick her up on Wednesday afternoon. Say 1:00 pm?"

Olivia let Nancy and Nicole shepherd her busily through the glassy front doors of Bergdorf's. She had tried to protest, to politely insist that surely they could find a dress at Macy's or the like but Nancy had refused to hear any of it. Instead, with a firm grip on Olivia's arm that begged no dissention, Nancy had marched the brunette into the enormous store with Nicole trailing along, amused. So Olivia had relented, attempting to retain as much of her dignity as possible as she was guided directly through racks and mannequins displaying wild fashions and pricy dresses. If she hadn't guessed before, she mused, she knew now from whom Alex had gotten her indomitable, irrefutable spirit.

Almost instantly, a friendly looking saleswoman approached the three women and greeted Nancy warmly and by name. Olivia blinked in surprise for a moment before returning the woman's smile a little nervously. Suddenly, despite her previously growing comfort, Olivia felt as if she was in over her head. She had always thought that she was pretty good at shopping and choosing clothing. But, confronted with Nancy's obviously greater experience, familiarity and financial resources, Olivia began to feel a little ill. There was no way she could ever afford a dress Nancy picked out for her.

Trying to hide her efforts to gulp for air, Olivia numbly allowed herself to be propelled into a dressing room. Before she managed to turn around, the sales lady bustled in with an armful of colorful dresses. Businesslike, she hung the clothes on the pegs on the wall and then hesitated. She gestured to the hanging dresses. "Ma'am, would you like my help?"

Olivia flinched and then gaped at her for a moment. Finally, furiously remembering herself and realizing that she was standing dumbly with her mouth hanging open in front of a stranger, Nicole and her future mother-in-law, Olivia managed to stutter an answer. "Um, no, no thank you." Nancy stepped in and laid a friendly hand on the saleswoman's arm.

"Thank you, Anna, I'm sure she'll do just fine." As she spoke, Nancy glanced at the tall brunette's momentarily flat expression and her heart fell a little. She wanted to make Olivia feel comfortable. She liked the brunette already but she wanted to learn to love her. And she knew that, to do so, first she had to convince Olivia to relax. So she waved Anna out of the dressing room and, flashing Olivia an encouraging smile, she retired to the semicircle of nearby chairs to wait with Nicole.

Finally alone in the tiny room, Olivia took a moment to gather herself. Nancy was reaching out to her, making yet another effort to befriend her. Now was no time to fold under the pressure. Warily, she eyed the seemingly dozens of dresses lining the pale dressing room walls and sighed. Alex was going to owe her for this. Pressing her lips together, she undressed and pulled the first dress from the hanger.

Turning and looking at herself in the mirror, she gasped. She looked different. She was thinner, certainly, and some of her scars peeked out from behind the edges of the thin cloth, but there was something else different that she couldn't put her finger on. Frowning, she tried to remember the last time she had worn a dress. Certainly she had never worn one this nice. Craning her neck, she found the price tag under her arm and gasped again. No, she had never even tried on a dress with such an outrageous price. She turned back to the mirror but her thoughts were interrupted by Nancy's muffled voice from outside the small room.

"Olivia, come on out so we can see!"

Still staring at her image in the mirror, Olivia tried to answer with as much steadiness as she could muster. "Nancy, no. I don't think I…"

"Nonsense!" Nancy interrupted the uncertain brunette with a tone that refused to be denied. "Come out and give us a show!" On slightly unsteady knees, Olivia complied, opening the door and walking in her bare feet towards Nancy and Nicole.

Olivia groaned silently in exhaustion and used the edge of her discarded shirt to dab the beads of sweat from her forehead. They had been in the store for two hours already and Olivia had lost count of the dresses she had tried on. She could no longer even form an opinion on the dresses she wore or even produce a coherent thought. She only wanted to be taken back to the apartment, have a glass of water and something to eat and lie on the sofa for a little while. But there was still one dress left to try and she was willing to at least finish this afternoon on a strong note.

Wearily, she slipped the dress on and, twisting, zipped it up. She turned to catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror and she paused jerkily. For a moment, she simply stared at her reflection. Her mind reeled in shocked delight and she gaped at herself. Absently, her hand trailed across her belly and over her hip and she smiled a little. The sight was almost unbelievable. She looked… She had to hesitate as she searched for the right word. Beautiful, she looked beautiful. The thought brought a stinging tear to her eye. This was a feeling she hadn't experienced in nearly a year and it was overwhelming.

Turning numbly, she opened the door and walked silently to stand in front of Nancy and Nicole. As she emerged from the dressing room, Nancy immediately stood and approached the silent, flushed brunette. As she looked her future daughter-in-law over, her eyes widened and she too felt the beginnings of tears. "Oh, Olivia," she breathed. "You look beautiful. This is the one."

Looking into Nancy's eyes, Olivia bit her lip and again smoothed her palms over the cool fabric. Instinctually, her fingers found the paper tag and she glanced at it as she had done for all of the other dresses. Her heart sank sickeningly. It was almost two weeks worth of her salary and, as she wasn't yet back to work, there was no way she could possibly pay for the dress, regardless of how nice it looked.

Nancy spotted Olivia's disappointed expression and she caught the brunette's hand in her own, pulling it gently away from the tag. "No, Olivia. This is my gift to you. It'll be your 'something new.'" Still gazing at Nancy, a slight frown creasing her forehead, Olivia let her body act out of impulse and she squeezed the older woman's hand in her own.

"Nancy, I … I don't know what to say."

Nancy swiped her free hand across her eyes, preemptively brushing away the threatening tears. She returned Olivia's grasp gently and with feeling. "Olivia, you don't have to say anything. You just have to wear that dress." Olivia laughed, conflicting emotions washing over her, and smiled with heartfelt intensity at Alex's mother. She could do that, she thought.

Olivia stepped out of the shower and toweled off, taking a moment to swipe at the steamy full length mirror with a corner of her towel. Her thoughts lingered on the exhausting but satisfying afternoon with Alex's mother and sister-in-law. It had gotten off to such a rocky start but, by the end, Olivia had experienced feelings she hadn't even realized she had missed. She had, for a little while, felt beautiful. Not sexy or smart or loved; those were things Alex made her feel often. But, standing in front of the mirror in that dress, even in the fluorescent lighting and diluted colors of the dressing room, Olivia had felt like a truly gorgeous woman. It had been a sensational feeling. Olivia wanted to experience it again.

Taking a deep breath, she allowed the towel to fall away from her body and she moved to stand in front of the mirror. She kept her eyes closed and hesitated. Though it had been a year and all of her wounds had healed, Olivia still had a difficult time looking – really looking – at her own body. She spoke to herself reassuringly and tried to conjure up the image of herself in the dressing room. Then she tried to imagine taking off the dress, painstakingly painting a mental picture of each inch of revealed skin. There had to be beauty there; the dress was just a dress, a piece of cloth. Something about her body had to have inspired those feelings and Olivia was determined to identify it.

As slowly as possible, Olivia opened her eyes. At first, she focused only on the reflection of her face and she searched for points she could love. She settled on her eyes. They were the same as before; her torturers hadn't scarred her there. She smiled and her teeth caught her attention. They were straight and even. She thought of her mother and the fights they had had over her braces. Her mother had insisted that Olivia would thank her one day, despite the pain and the photographs immortalizing her metal mouth. She admitted that her mother had been correct. She was thankful.

Steadying herself, she forced her eyes to travel lower. She ghosted over her throat and collarbone and, despite her best efforts, her gaze was irresistibly drawn to her breasts. She suppressed an unexpected chuckle. She supposed that she shouldn't be surprised; they were, for lack of a better word, prominent. At least that's what Alex liked to tease her about. Olivia had always suspected a little envy on the part of the blonde but, looking at her reflection, Olivia revised her previous opinion. They were nice and, as she cupped them in her palms, she took pleasurable note of their heaviness. They were so different from Alex's and, if she squinted and blurred out the angry red scarring, she could appreciate their pretty, even shape.

Flattening her hands over her ribs, Olivia ran her palms across her belly and then down to rest on her hips. As she did so, her eyes followed her hands' paths over her skin. Through her sensitive fingertips, she could feel the smoothness and warmth of the skin between the raised scars. She tried to imagine that the same smooth skin covered her body. She wished that she had spent more time appreciating her skin before she had been attacked instead of taking it for granted. The thought created a sudden wash of intense regret and sorrow deep within her body, but she fought against it. She wanted to focus on the beautiful parts of her body, not the flaws, regardless of how glaring they were. So she blinked rapidly and flicked her attention towards her waist and hips.

Now this was something she could still love. She had a real hourglass figure, like the women in old black and white movies. It was one thing that she had certainly inherited from her mother, unlike so many of her other features. As a child she had spent a lot of time admiring her mother's perfect figure while the older woman had asked her daughter for opinions on dresses for first dates. She had always hoped to grow up to look like her mother and, from the look of herself in the mirror and the curves under her palms, she had. But, soon, her thoughts nagged that she should look even lower though it was something she was borderline unwilling to do. Taking a deep breath, she forced her hand to move between her legs.

Though she had more or less come to terms with the disfigurement of the rest of her body, the knowledge of the ruined flesh between her legs still made her skin crawl with disgust. She hated that Alex had to touch it in order to make love to her. Even worse was the fact that Alex had kissed her there, was willing to do so. Alex was beautiful. She was smart and talented and she deserved better than that. The thought made Olivia a little nauseated and she bit her lip, using the slight pain to help her focus.

Slowly, she eased her feet apart so that she could see just the outer edges of the remains of her labia. Watching her own actions carefully, she ran the pads of her fingers over the hard scar tissue. Each of the handful of times she had touched herself, she was surprised by what she found. Her muscle memory still expected to find familiar flesh, but it was no longer there. The memories of how pliable and silky her folds had been flooded back and her thoughts of beauty were instantly replaced by images of how ugly she had become. When she thought of the damage, she felt like less than a woman. A woman had curves and unique folds. She had a barren wasteland between her legs, an unsightly slash surrounded by inhuman ruins. But, if seeing and touching the scars were the only reminders of her torture, she could have lived with herself. Sex, even with Alex's gentle touch, was difficult at times and even using the restroom properly still required effort. These were things she wanted back. She gulped and jerked her hand away and she swept her mind clean of those terrible thoughts. Suddenly, she was confronted with a different memory.

Dimly, she remembered a doctor at the hospital, one who had mentioned that plastic surgery was an option for her, especially if she wanted to regain the ability to accept more than very slender objects. And she did. She wanted to feel Alex's hands like she had before, longed to experience the fullness of the blonde deep within her again. Hell, she wanted to pee without the shadow of reluctance that accompanied the effort she knew it required. Forcing her breaths to become even and regular, she steeled herself. It was time. She was ready.


	47. Chapter 47

Alex escorted Olivia through the door of their apartment, absentmindedly shutting the door behind them as she guided her to the sofa. She didn't relinquish her secure grip on the brunette's hand until Olivia had settled herself gingerly on the cushions. Biting her lip, Olivia smiled tensely through her grimaces of pain and Alex returned her expression. She kissed her girlfriend's cheek and helped Olivia lift her legs so that she could lie back. "I'll be right back, Liv," she murmured.

Quickly, Alex checked the lock on the apartment door and then went to the kitchen. She pulled the ice cube tray from the freezer and bent it, spilling the ice into a plastic bag and cursing when one cube went skittering to the floor. Brushing her hair back from her face, Alex sealed the bag and wrapped it in a towel. She filled a glass of water and, with the bag and the drink, she returned hurriedly to her uncomfortable girlfriend.

"Put this … um … where it hurts," she said, stifling an unseemly chuckle and handing the bag of ice to Olivia. For all that her girlfriend was in some pain, the sight of Olivia pressing an ice pack between her legs and letting her head fall back in relief was humorous. At the sound of Alex's laugh, Olivia opened her eyes and smirked tiredly.

"Something funny, Alex?"

At Olivia's words, Alex knew she had been busted. She let herself laugh out loud. "Do you remember last year's softball game? You look just like Munch."

Olivia joined Alex in laughter, enjoying the shared memory. Alex was referring to the previous summer's annual softball game between Queens and Manhattan SVU. At the last minute, one of the uniforms on the Manhattan team had begged off and, after an hour of eager cajoling, Munch had been drafted. His softball career, however, had been short lived. Swinging during his first at bat, he took a pitch to the groin and, in his words, officially retired. He watched the rest of the ins from the sideline, his feet up on a cooler and an enormous bag of ice sitting on his crotch. Manhattan lost dramatically, but they had a great time afterwards, buying sympathy rounds for Munch. Olivia shifted on the couch and looked down at the ice she held on her lap. She supposed Alex was right; the resemblance was there.

Olivia held out her hand to take the pill from her girlfriend and washed it down with a sip of water. The pain wasn't bad but she wasn't in any mood to argue with Alex. It had been a long couple of days. The previous morning, Alex had driven Olivia to the hospital. After a year, it was finally time to have the reconstructive surgery they both knew that she would need eventually. The surgery had gone well and the doctors had discharged Olivia after one night with specific instructions: periodic application of ice, pain killers and rest. Alex was taking his instructions very seriously and Olivia knew that it would behoove her to let her girlfriend do as she pleased. For now at least, Olivia mused. After all, she was in pain. But, as soon as she felt better, Olivia would do as she pleased.

Alex sat at the end of the sofa, lifting Olivia's legs and settling them across her lap. She pulled Olivia's shoes off and tossed them aside. Smiling calmly, she wrapped her fingers around Olivia's foot and began to massage. "How do you feel, honey?" she asked.

Olivia grunted and moved to relax more completely. "Fine," she sighed. "Feels like someone kicked me. The ice helps." She grinned and threw her forearm over her forehead, wiggling her toes in Alex's hands.

"Good," Alex responded and then paused, a wicked smile dawning on her face. "Well you'd better rest now because as soon as you're healed, I don't think you'll get much sleep."

Olivia tried to focus on the television rather than the pain between her legs. It wasn't bad but it was an unsettling familiar sensation. With every beat of her heart, a new throb of pain emanated from her healing incisions and, each time, she thought of the two men who had turned her into this … this mess. She turned the volume up and tossed the melted ice aside. She would ask Alex to make her a fresh ice pack when she got out of the shower. The pain wasn't intense; Olivia preferred not to rush her girlfriend. She knew Alex was tired and that a shower and a change of clothes would refresh her. She could wait.

Again she turned up the volume until it was almost too loud. It helped to distract her and she needed all of the help she could get to take her mind off of her dark memories. She forced herself to pay attention to the sitcom, occasionally shifting uncomfortably on the couch to try and relieve her unease. However, a sudden, loud knock at the door startled her.

Olivia immediately regretted jumping to her feet, bending low and pressing her arm across her hips as she tried to catch her breath. She groaned as she straightened and started again as the knocking resumed, louder this time. Walking stiffly and running her hand along the wall for support, Olivia yanked the door open. When she saw the source of the disturbance, she ground her teeth together in irritation. It was Mrs. Robinson, the elderly neighbor that so loved throwing her and Alex dirty looks in the building's halls.

Before Olivia even had a chance to speak, Mrs. Robinson growled angrily. "Will you turn that damn television down? I can hardly hear myself think."

Olivia held up her hand in a gesture of peace. Irritated as she was, she didn't want to get into any sort of confrontation. Standing upright, the pain between her legs was worse and she only wanted to sit back down and ask Alex for another bag of ice. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Robinson. I'll turn it down."

The tiny, hateful woman harrumphed and spat, "I can never just have a quiet evening with you two next door. Blaring televisions, screaming in the middle of the night. I ought to have the police come and throw you out, you filthy dykes." As the last words thundered in Olivia's ears, she began to lose the fight against the overwhelming memories. Between the growing throbbing of her new wounds and the hateful name she had just been called – the same one O'Hara so relished spitting at her – it was all too much. She felt her knees weaken and she threw herself uncoordinatedly away from the door, crying out as she lost her balance and fell.

The shout, even muffled through the bathroom door, sent a white hot knife of terror through Alex's heart. It was a sound she had hoped never to hear again. Olivia was scared or hurt. Alex tore the bathroom door open, heedlessly allowing it to slam against the porcelain bathtub as she hurried to the source of the sound. At the sight of Olivia on her knees, one hand held up defensively and the other scrabbling for a handhold on the wall as she struggled to stand, Alex bent protectively over her fiancé. Laying her hands gently on Olivia's shoulders to calm her, Alex whipped her head up to focus her iciest glare on Mrs. Robinson.

"What did you do to her?" Alex snarled, her caresses of Olivia's hair in marked contrast to the steel in her voice.

Mrs. Robinson broke out of her frozen stance and held up her hands. "I didn't do nothing. I just told her to turn the television down. She went crazy." Alex continued to glare at her as she spoke and the elderly woman seemed to melt under her angry gaze. Finally, Alex turned her attention to the kneeling, shaking woman at her feet. She wrapped her hands under Olivia's arms.

"Come on, sweetheart," she said quietly. She helped her girlfriend to her feet and walked her back to the sofa. She settled Olivia back down and wiped her tears away with a tissue. By the time Alex had set the tissue aside, Olivia had recovered herself. She touched Alex's hand gently and forced a small smile.

"I'm alright, Alex. I just got … scared." Alex nodded and kissed her on the cheek.

"Okay, Liv. Just let me deal with that woman and I'll be back in a minute." She turned the volume of the television down and handed Olivia the remote. "Find us something good. I'm in the mood for something funny."

Wordlessly, Alex pointed to a chair at the dinette, her gesture firm and making no allowance for hesitation. Mrs. Robinson sat stiffly. Not only was she nervous in this woman's cold presence but the arthritis in her hips always made sitting difficult. So when a mug of steaming tea was thumped onto the table before her, she jumped in surprise. She looked up but Alex did not meet her glance as the tall woman brushed by with a second mug in her hands. Mrs. Robinson assumed that it was for the woman in the living room. The thought inspired a flush of guilt.

She wrapped her hands around the mug, sighing as the heat eased into her arthritic knuckles. Her thoughts turned the events of the past few minutes over and over in her head. She had only knocked at the door when the noise through the apartment's seemingly paper-thin walls became too much for her nerves. Now her anger at her neighbors was tempered with some regret. Maybe the noise hadn't been as loud as she had thought. But, as the regret began to seep into her consciousness, she remembered her hate.

The mere thought of two women – or men, for that matter – living together like husband and wife made her skin crawl with disgust. It wasn't right. Even the bible addressed it, labeling it as a sin and describing the punishments God himself prescribed. Having such a couple living next door stung her. It was bad enough that homosexual relationships were included positively in sitcoms and dramas and that gay marriage activists were constantly blaring their message on the news. Confronted with her neighbors' blatant relationship in the halls and through their shared wall drove Mrs. Robinson almost mad with irritation and nausea. They didn't even have the decency to keep it behind closed doors. She saw them constantly in the halls and on the street, holding hands, kissing. It made her sick. That said, however, Mrs. Robinson couldn't resist a tiny bit of curiosity. She had never been inside of a homosexual's home before. Maybe there would be a clue to how they became sinners.

Before she had the opportunity to pursue this line of thought any further, Alex returned and sat in a chair opposite the old woman. She sighed heavily and her mask of anger melted a little into an expression of tiredness. After a moment, she looked across the table at her neighbor. "Mrs. Robinson, we've had enough. I know that you called the police on us a few months ago. I see the looks you give us and I hear the whispers. You're bigoted and hateful and I can't stand it anymore." As she spoke, her voice lost some of its evenness and became high and trembling. Mrs. Robinson opened her mouth to voice an angry retort but Alex's sharp gesture cut her off.

"You've frightened Olivia twice now. She's a cop, you know. It was her job to risk her life to make people like you feel safe. She got injured and now you're making her life harder. I don't know what you said to upset her but you won't leave this apartment until you apologize."

Listening, Mrs. Robinson felt a twinge of feeling for the obviously stressed woman but, upon hearing Alex's ultimatum, her anger flared. "I will not apologize to her. She was the one who disturbed me with that blaring noise." Alex jerked herself upright, standing to her full height and glaring down at the small woman.

"I know. Olivia already apologized for the noise. But that does not excuse you. You can spend your life hating people like me if you want but I won't allow you to disturb Olivia. I'm a prosecutor and she's a detective. If I call the police, they'll be here immediately and you'll be taken away for a night in the box. Don't think I won't call them. Now, are you ready to apologize?" Her eyes creased in irritation, Mrs. Robinson nodded stiffly and shoved the mug away. As much as she wanted to fight, she knew that she was cornered. Alex only smiled grimly and waved towards the living room. "Good."

Mrs. Robinson rose and grasped her cane, following Alex's lead reluctantly. They walked into the living room and stopped before the sofa. Olivia looked curiously but skittishly up at them, her gaze flickering between her stern girlfriend and the reticent old woman. "Liv," Alex said flatly. "Mrs. Robinson has something to say to you."

Grumbling, Mrs. Robinson apologized. "I'm sorry for disturbing you." Her voice was irritated but she clearly enunciated each word. Olivia only nodded but Alex was satisfied. She grasped the elderly woman's shoulder and turned her, guiding her out of the apartment and locking the door behind her. Once the lock snapped into place, Alex fell against the door and took a deep breath. She hoped that their neighbor would think twice before yelling at Olivia again. Gathering herself, she pushed away from the door and returned to the living room.

She sank onto the couch and touched Olivia's cheek. Thankfully, it was dry and cool to the touch. Olivia looked at her, frowning though her expression was one of curiosity rather than hurt. "Alex, what did you do?"

Alex laughed a little sadly. "I had a little talk with Mrs. Robinson. I don't think she'll be bothering us for a while. But, Liv…" Alex paused for a second. "What happened?"

Olivia recoiled a little in embarrassment and remembered nervousness. She took a moment to breathe and consider her response. She didn't want to worry her girlfriend with a description of her flashback but she was also reluctant to lie. She had made a promise to Alex. Wetting her lips with the tip of her tongue, Olivia told her the story.

"I thought I was okay but the pain … it felt just like before. Then she showed up, angry, and called me a name. She called us a name. It was the same thing … he … called me. I just … got scared." She trailed off and Alex smiled as tenderly as she could.

"It's alright, darling," she crooned gently. "I'm glad you told me." For a while they were quiet, Olivia folding her hands anxiously in her lap while Alex continued to brush her fingertips over her fiance's cheekbone. Then Olivia broke the silence, grunting a little in pain as she shifted awkwardly. Alex pulled away, first concerned and then a tiny bit amused.

"More ice?" she asked wryly.

"Oh, yes, please," Olivia breathed, smiling though she tried to school her expression into one of irritation. "And while you're at it, I could use another foot rub." She cocked an eyebrow and Alex returned her look before bursting into laughter.

"Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am. Your wish is my command."


	48. Chapter 48

Despite the nagging pain between her legs, Olivia simply could not force herself to stay still. She wanted to be up and doing, not lying down and watching television like an invalid. That said, before noon, she had completely exhausted her list of chores and boredom was making her itch. She paused in the kitchen and scanned for some smudge or dirty dish she could use to delay the time when she would have to invent something new to amuse her. Her eyes lit upon the neat row of cookbooks and she shrugged to herself. If there wasn't anything to clean right now, maybe she could make a mess herself. She pulled her ancient copy of the Joy of Cooking from the shelf and tossed it onto the dinette table. She poured herself a glass of water and took a seat. Now, she thought, to find something messy and time-consuming and, hopefully, tasty.

Flipping through the yellowed and stained pages, the perfect recipe caught her eye. She would bake bread. It would take hours, she would get flour everywhere and the kneading would give her an outlet for her frustrations. Wasting no time, she set the cookbook against the backsplash and busied herself taking flour, salt and yeast out of her pantry. She grinned to herself. She hadn't made bread for years, since her mother had died. It had been one of their favorite activities in the rare instances that her mother had been sober and content. She heated water and stirred in the yeast, breathing in the warm, familiar scent and remembering her happy moments with her mother.

Olivia slid the loaf pans into the hot oven before straightening and dusting her hands on a kitchen towel. Replacing the towel on its hook, she surveyed the floury disaster she had left on the counter and smiled. She had a project. She checked her watch. There were only a couple of hours until Alex would be home. She had just enough time to clean up the kitchen and get started on dinner. Wetting a sponge under the faucet and squeezing it out, Olivia set to work on the dishes and considered what to fix for Alex. Stew, she thought. With the rapidly cooling weather, a bowl of stew with a slice of fresh bread would be delicious. She dropped a bowl into the dish rack before a knock at the door distracted her. Frowning, Olivia dried her hands and went to answer with some reluctance. After the disturbance earlier in the week, she hoped that it wasn't Mrs. Robinson at the door. She didn't want that woman to disturb her good mood.

Peeking through the peephole, however, Olivia forgot all about her neighbor and hurried to open the door. It was Mrs. Cabot. For a moment, Olivia looked at Alex's mother in silence, her mind working in surprise. When the older woman coughed, Olivia started and remembered herself, opening the door wider and inviting her in. "Uh, Mrs. Cabot … Nancy … This is unexpected."

Nancy answered as she invited herself further into the apartment, bustling into the kitchen and unloading a stack of folders onto the dinette table. "I know, Olivia, but Alex has been putting this off and I really need to have some decisions. By the way, something smells wonderful. Have you been cooking?"

Olivia spluttered ungracefully for a moment as she trailed behind Alex's quietly commanding mother before managing an answer. "Yes, I'm baking bread." She busied herself preparing coffee as she gathered her thoughts. Normally, she was calm and composed or at least unflustered by even the most domineering perps. There was something about Alex's mother, however, that always inspired unease on Olivia's part. She supposed it had to do with Alex's own nerves in the presence of her mother. If Alex couldn't be completely comfortable with her mother, how could she expect Olivia to be?

Flicking the coffee pot on, Olivia tentatively took a seat at Nancy's side, her curiosity about the folders getting the best of her surprised discomfort. With uncharacteristic eagerness, Nancy spread the folders open, displaying photo after photo of beautifully decorated ballrooms and gardens. "Since I know that if it were up to Alex, you two would sign the papers in the courthouse and then go out for sandwiches, I took the liberty of visiting a few sites where you might be married. Now," she continued, glancing at Olivia, "I won't take no for an answer. Our family is large and, after Christmas, they have all been expecting to be invited to the wedding so we'll need something large enough to accommodate everyone. Take a look at this one." She passed a photo of a sunny country club towards Olivia.

At that moment, the beep of the coffee maker saved her and she took her time pouring two mugs and stirring in milk. When she set a mug in front of Alex's mother and resumed her seat, Olivia took a deep breath. "Nancy, I think you need to talk to Alex about all of this. I really don't…" Nancy smiled widely and laid her hand on Olivia's arm, gently quieting her.

"Olivia, this wedding is both yours and Alex's and we're your family now. I want this to be a day you'll remember forever. She's my only daughter, you know." She fell silent and took a long sip of her coffee, giving Olivia a moment to think. She took a breath. "And I saw the twinkle in your eye when you figured out what I brought you. I know that at least a little part of you is excited to plan your wedding day." Those words brought Olivia out of her silence and she laughed softly.

"Are you sure you aren't a detective, Nancy? You're very observant." Nancy let herself join in Olivia's laughter, enjoying her future daughter-in-law's new relaxation. Setting her mug aside, she spread the other photographs of potential locations, cakes and flower arrangements across the table and began to point out her likes and dislikes.

Alex pushed her key into the lock and turned only to find, with surprise, that the door was already unlocked. This was utterly unlike Olivia or at least unlike her as she had become in the year since her kidnapping. Warily, Alex pulled her key away and opened the door quietly, setting her briefcase down in the foyer as she stepped into the apartment. She heard quiet voices from the kitchen. "Liv? Are you here?" she called.

"In the kitchen, Alexandra." Alex started in brief surprise. Olivia hadn't answered her; it was her mother's voice. She was the only one who ever called Alex by her full name. Alex locked the door behind her before toeing off her shoes and hanging her jacket in the hall closet. She padded into the kitchen and was immediately greeted by a warm smell and an even warmer sight. The kitchen was messy and dusted with flour and the table was covered with stacks of photographs and handwritten notes. Her mother and Olivia were crouched over the papers, sitting close, and plates with slices of nibbled, buttered bread were balanced carefully on the table's edge. She smiled at the unexpectedness of the situation.

Noticing the fresh pot of coffee, Alex skirted her mother and poured herself a cup. She took a sip and then bent down, winking, to kiss Olivia hello. "Are you doing what I think you're doing?" she asked humorously. Olivia immediately blushed at Alex's playful accusation and looked at Alex's mother for support.

"Alexandra, I've been telling you for weeks that we need to find a place to have your wedding. Since you weren't responding, I decided to give Olivia a shot. And we've been having a lovely time without you. Take a look here. Olivia said that you two would have your ceremony in the courthouse but there is no reason that you can't have a reception. Olivia thought that this might be the right space. See, there's space for the whole family and a nice dance floor. It's on fifth avenue so there's a great view of the city. What do you think?"

Alex laughed again and leaned her hip against her seated girlfriend's shoulder, curling her hand around Olivia's cheek. "Mother," she said with playful accusation. "Please tell me you called first. And that you checked the price."

"Nonsense, Alexandra. We're family. I just dropped in. Besides, you and Olivia will not spend a penny on this wedding. I'm sure you would be perfectly happy without the reception but your father won't even hear of it. He says it will be our gift to you. Now, you didn't answer my question. Do you like it?"

Alex smiled. "Mom, if it makes Olivia happy, it makes me happy. I'm going to take a shower and change out of this suit. You two just keep doing what you're doing and I'm sure it'll be great. And I guess I'll take care of the dishes when I get cleaned up." She cocked an eyebrow at her girlfriend and tickled her cheek conspiratorially. "Just… well, Olivia, that dress you told me about had better be worth my while."


	49. Chapter 49

Alex stood at the tiny alter and once again smoothed her palms nervously over her suit. The butterflies roiling in her stomach made her laugh a little. Rationally, she couldn't understand why she felt so nervous. She and Olivia had been together for more than three years. She had proposed over a year ago. That this day was happening was in no way a surprise. Yet Alex still worried that her suit was wrinkled or her hair out of place and laughed to herself. This was the moment she and Olivia had fought so hard to reach and she relished every passing second, even the dampness that kept wetting her palms.

Glancing at her parents, Alex couldn't help but let her joy emerge in her wide smile. Her mother perched excitedly in her seat, a handkerchief clutched in her hand in case of tears. The mere thought of her mother in tears of joy at her wedding to a woman nearly brought Alex herself to tears. She had never imagined that she'd see such a thing. But it was truly happening and Alex would be damned if she started tearing up before even laying eyes on her fiancé. She wanted to save that moment for when she first saw Olivia in her mysterious dress. From the expression Olivia wore when she talked about it, Alex knew that it must be stunning. Pulling herself together, Alex dabbed quickly at her eyes and met her father's proud gaze. She laughed as he winked before returning her attention to the tiny room's door. Olivia would be there soon, very soon.

Though Alex had scoffed at the idea, she had eventually relented to her mother's insistence that she and Olivia arrive separately at the courthouse. Nancy had repeatedly cited the old superstition that Alex not see Olivia in her dress before the wedding and no amount of Alex's reasoning could convince her mother to back down. So, with a flutter of young girlish excitement that she quickly hid, Alex had caved and ridden with her parents to the courthouse. Now she waited impatiently for her fiance's arrival while her parents looked on and the Justice of the Peace kept his customary grin plastered on his face. The rattle of the doorknob made Alex's heart rise high in her chest. The moment she had been waiting for had finally arrived.

Munch, Fin and Elliot filed in first, walking quickly to take their seats in the front row. Alex smiled at each of them in turn before turning her attention to the short aisle. Cragen guided Olivia between the short rows of seats, his arm twined proudly with his favorite detective's. The grin on his face was wide and delighted, his expression almost fatherly. Alex spared him a glance and a smile before letting all of her senses focus exclusively on her dear beloved. The sight took Alex's breath away.

Olivia stood straight and tall, her face full of emotion and beaming love. Alex's eyes roved up and down her body as Cragen kissed Olivia on the cheek and went to his seat. She was beautiful. No, Alex corrected herself, Olivia was gorgeous. Shortly, she quit all thought of describing words and sought to memorize every inch of Olivia's body. Her dress was pale peach in color, a shade that emphasized her exotic skin and brought out the warm tones in her hair and eyes. The cloth seemed impossibly light and had a sheen that articulated every detail of Olivia's perfect curves. But, though Alex could have stared at Olivia's body all day in that dress, she brought her eyes up to meet Olivia's gaze. Without taking her eyes from Olivia's face, Alex reached out and took one of her fiance's hands in each of her own. She squeezed gently as the Justice began to speak. Her fiancé, Alex mused. She would only use that word for a few more moments. Soon, Olivia would be her wife.

Alex curled her free arm around Olivia's waist and drew her wife in for a passionate kiss, closing her eyes tightly as camera flashes threatened to blind them. Breaking their kiss, she tightened her grip on the knife's handle and felt Olivia's hand close over her own. Smiling with pure delight and a hint of self-consciousness, she guided the knife through the white cake and used her free hand to tickle Olivia, eliciting a giggle. Soon, despite the flashes and encouraging voices of their family and friends, she and Olivia had managed to cut two tiny slices of cake. Alex made the first move, picking up the morsel of chocolate cake and holding it out to her wife. Delicately, her eyes locked with Alex's, Olivia accepted the bite and smiled as she savored it. Holding her messy fingers carefully out, Alex leaned down and pressed her lips to Olivia's before whispering, "My turn, darling."

Olivia's expression was wickedly bright as she held out the cake for Alex to take. As Alex licked her lips and leaned in, a sudden moment of Olivia's hand smeared the cake across Alex's lips and chin. As the watching crowd erupted in crowing laughter, Alex used her clean hand to draw Olivia's body close. Fighting her own laughter, Alex schooled her expression into one of mock sternness and growled, "You're lucky I love you, Liv." She only just managed to finish her statement before she too dissolved into the humor and accepted a napkin to clean herself up. At that moment, Nancy appropriated the emcee's microphone and announced that it was time for the dancing to begin.

Wiping away the last cake crumbs with a napkin, Alex pecked Olivia on the cheek just as Cragen held out his hand to the brunette. With a bright grin over her shoulder, Olivia accepted and allowed the captain to guide her onto the dance floor. Alex watched the two of them pick up the music's beat for only a moment before a tap on her shoulder distracted her. Turning, she met Elliot's grin with one of her own.

"I know I'm not as pretty as Liv, but I hope you'll dance with me, Alex," he quipped, winking. Alex laughed out loud at his slyly earnest expression.

"Looks aren't everything," she chuckled, taking his hand. Weaving his way through the crowd, Elliot led Alex to the center of the dance floor before twirling her into his arms. She laughed prettily in surprise at the burly detective's suave moves before straightening her face and raising her eyebrows.

"Where did you learn that one?" she asked wryly. "Basic training?"

Elliot waggled his eyebrows. "At my own wedding," he said quietly. "Unfortunately, it's the only step I remember. The rest we'll just have to figure out as we go." He smiled warmly as Alex fell into the rhythm of his slightly uncoordinated steps. Contented, he let his gaze wander across the dance floor to watch his partner. "She looks happier than I've ever seen her," he said.

Trusting Elliot to keep her in step, Alex glanced lingeringly over her shoulder. He was right. Olivia did look happy as she laughed at something Cragen said. Alex let her own grin tug at the corners of her lips, stretching her smile even wider. She turned back to Elliot and squeezed his hand. For a moment, they just danced with matching grins. Finally, Alex cleared her throat comically and let her grin turn lecherous. "What can I say, Elliot? Cabots always bag good looking women!"


	50. Chapter 50

Olivia smiled widely and twirled slowly around, tickling Henry's back as she playfully danced with him. He giggled and squirmed in her arms, leaning to wrap his pudgy arms around her neck and nuzzle her shoulder. Hugging him tightly, she caught Nancy's eye and winked. She crossed the dance floor to Nicole and gently passed the sleepy child into his mother's arms before turning to approach her new mother-in-law. Suddenly, self-consciousness pricked at her and she smoothed her dress nervously. She had hardly had a chance to talk to Nancy and Paul after the ceremony. She clasped her hands together to stop their absentminded fiddling and smiled. "Nancy, I…"

She had no chance to finish her sentiment before Nancy stepped eagerly forward and took Olivia's hands in her own. "Congratulations, dear," she said warmly. "You look beautiful tonight." Despite herself, Olivia blushed deeply at the slightly unexpected compliment. She squeezed Nancy's hands as words escaped her. She hoped that Nancy understood. Suddenly, a heavy arm draped around her shoulders. It was Paul, his face ruddy with enjoyment and his lips curved in a friendly grin.

"Can I cut in, ladies? I haven't had a chance to dance with the bride yet!" Flashing a happy glance at Nancy, Olivia allowed Paul to lead her boisterously away.

Meanwhile, Alex stood in a group of her family and friends, sipping champagne and laughing at their jokes. But she had eyes only for Olivia. She looked really beautiful tonight and her smile lit up her face like it so seldom had over the past year. The sight made Alex's already strong emotions surge and she wanted to laugh and cry at once. Winking at her guests, Alex gracefully extracted herself from the group and went to the bar to freshen up her glass. Extending her glass to the bartender, she was glad when a familiar voice called her name.

"Hello, George," she said warmly, touching his arm. "Are you enjoying yourself?" George smiled and nodded.

"Of course, Alex. I wanted to introduce you to my partner, David." Alex allowed the tall, blond man to clasp her hand warmly.

"Oh yes. George has told me so much about you. I'm glad to meet you." David responded in kind before turning to George.

"I'm just going to step out for a minute, honey." He kissed George on the cheek and politely excused himself, leaving George and Alex alone. Glancing pointedly at the retreating man, Alex winked playfully at her dear friend.

"Wow, George," she teased. "You did well for yourself." George laughed out loud, his eyes crinkling in genuine happiness.

"Thanks, Alex, I'm glad you approve," he quipped. He took a sip of his own champagne and looked up and down her body. "You look stunning, Alex. How about you let me take you out on the dance floor so I can show you off?" Grinning with mock pride, Alex set aside her glass and held her hand out with exaggerated expectation. Matching her smile, George took her offered hand and led her onto the floor.

As they began to dance slowly, Alex looked meaningfully down at her friend. "Oh, George, I'm so glad you came. You've been such a comfort to me. I don't think that we would have come so far without your help." As she spoke, she quickly wiped a tear from her eye. Thoughts of the trials she and Olivia had survived overwhelmed her and she struggled to keep her composure. This was the happiest day of her life and she refused to spoil it by dwelling on the past. George's hand squeezing her own distracted her from her dark thoughts and she returned the gesture gratefully.

Smiling, George laughed lightly. "I was afraid I'd lost you for a minute there. I can't help but think I'm keeping you from someone special. Someone who doesn't have a dance partner at the moment." Winking, he tilted his head quickly in Olivia's direction and released her hand. "I'll just go see where David has gone off to." Leaving Alex to do as he would, he hurried away, dashing his own sudden tears from his eyes and smiling. He was so proud at this moment. It was time to find his own partner and take him home.

It started with just a single spoon against the rim of a single glass but it rapidly swelled to include dozens of such pairs and the sound became deafening. Over the top of it all, Alex could hear her brother's voice. "Kiss! Kiss!" Laughing, Alex winked at Olivia and leaned in, with exaggerated shyness, to give her wife a peck on the cheek. Immediately, the crowd erupted in a disappointed chorus. Again Aaron's voice could be heard. "Come on, Alex, we want a real kiss! Cabot style!" Alex held up her hands in mock surrender before gathering Olivia in her arms. Without warning, she dipped her wife and pressed her lips to Olivia's. For a tiny moment, the brunette was stiff in Alex's arms but, as she felt Alex's tongue and teeth, she parted her lips. Her hands trailed up to clutch at Alex's lapels as Alex nipped playfully at her lips. Finally, desperate to breathe, Alex straightened and broke the kiss, taking a moment to steady Olivia on her feet and play act a little extra for the benefit of the crowd. She grabbed Olivia's hand and held it triumphantly high in the air as their family and friends applauded. It was finally true; they were married and they were happy.

Alex growled seductively as she ran her hands up and down the length of Olivia's body, appreciating the heat of her skin just underneath the expensive fabric. The combination was incredibly alluring but Alex had a plan and she was sticking to it. Nuzzling her nose and lips possessively against Olivia's neck, Alex wrapped her arms around her wife's body and eased the zipper slowly down. Pulling away, she took the dress's straps in her hands and pushed them over Olivia's shoulders until the dress crumpled at her feet. Olivia lifted her hands to the buttons of Alex's dove-grey suit but Alex growled threateningly and pushed her hands away. "Not yet," she said, her voice heavy with meaning. "First, I have a wedding present for you. Stay here and keep your eyes closed."

Alex quickly went to her suitcase and flipped it open. From the bottom, she withdrew a black box and returned to Olivia's side, setting the box on the bureau. Opening it, she withdrew a pair of silver chains and knelt on the carpet. Smiling to herself, she clipped one chain around each of Olivia's ankles and paused to admire the effect. The links of the chain were heavy but beautifully made and the glinting silver stood out prettily against Olivia's skin. Taking note of Olivia's delicious fidgeting, Alex decided to move things along. She stood and withdrew a similar second set of chains from the box. Taking each of Olivia's hands in her own, Alex fastened a chain around each of her wrists. Biting her lip in excitement, Alex turned to the box one final time and lifted out the collar that was so familiar. It was the cream colored one, the one Olivia had first given her, and Alex felt a thrill of excitement as she buckled it snugly around Olivia's neck. With one final adjustment to the new silver tag hanging above the hollow of her wife's throat, Alex walked Olivia carefully to stand in front of the full length mirror. Letting her hands rest on Olivia's hips and her chin on Olivia's shoulder, Alex whispered tenderly in her ear. "Open your eyes."

Olivia complied obediently, gasping with shock and piqued desire as she took in her reflection with Alex standing proudly behind her. She was nude but for her peach-colored bra and panties, her collar and the new chains glinting from her wrists and ankles. Her eyes glued to the mirror, Olivia slowly moved her limbs, watching as the light reflected off the individual links and the heavy padlocks holding the chains securely in place. Holding her breath, she lifted one hand to touch the collar at her neck and, as if she had just noticed Alex's addition, took the silver tag in her fingers and craned to read the inscription. "Mrs. A.G. Cabot," she breathed, reading the flowing script engraved on the silver and shuddering in pleasure. Impulsively, Olivia spun in Alex's embrace and threw her arms around Alex's neck. "Oh, Alex," she murmured. "They're beautiful."

Alex held Olivia tightly and chuckled against her temple. "You make them beautiful, Olivia. And, since you like them so much, I'll let that little slip go." She hooked a finger under the collar and gave a gentle tug to remind Olivia that they were playing. Blushing, Olivia stepped back and lowered her eyes, turning her head demurely to the side. Knowing how her posture would affect her possessive wife, Olivia spoke very softly.

"Thank you, ma'am."

Alex chuckled again, grinning like a cat at Olivia's coy behavior. "You're welcome, Olivia, but I want a proper thank you. Let me see…" Pressing her finger to her lip as if deep in thought, Alex paced leisurely in a circle around her obedient pet. She already knew exactly what she planned to do but she wanted to tickle Olivia's anticipation for a little longer. "I know," she purred. "Go to my suitcase and bring me the rope and make me enjoy the view. Now!" She barked the final word, her calculated intonation having the desired effect as Olivia jumped a little in surprise. To her own delight, Olivia obeyed her instructions to the letter, letting her hips sway sensuously as she walked across the hotel room's plush carpet. When she returned, Olivia held the bundle of silky rope out with her eyes carefully turned down. Alex took it and, with a snap of her wrist, unfurled it into loose coils. "Turn around," she ordered quietly.

With practiced movements, Alex stripped Olivia of her last wisps of clothing and began to wind careful loops of rope around her arms, binding wrist to wrist and elbow to elbow. She admired the blue rope against Olivia's skin and ran her palms over Olivia's bent shoulders. This was one of her favorite positions. Pulling Olivia's arms back so securely, she knew, would emphasize the fullness of her pretty brunette's breasts and the slenderness of her waist. Turning Olivia around with a touch at her shoulder, Alex lifted her wife's chin with her crooked knuckle and kissed her slowly. Her lips still touching Olivia's, Alex grinned and spoke softly. "I need more rope, sweetie." She punctuated her gently issued order with a smart smack to Olivia's ass, propelling the brunette forward. Alex crossed her arms and waited with patient amusement as Olivia awkwardly followed her orders and returned.

Gently, Alex twisted the rope around Olivia's waist and cinched it tight. Grinning devilishly, she threaded the doubled rope between Olivia's legs and tugged it sharply up, laughing out loud as her wife yelped. Alex loved teasing Olivia in this way and had missed it dearly. But, now that Olivia was healed, Alex intended to take full advantage. She gave a second tug, eliciting a second sharp gasp of pleasure, and tied it the ends to the loop around Olivia's waist. Pressing her body along the length of Olivia's, Alex slid her hand over Olivia's belly and to the rope between her wife's legs. Catching Olivia's lips with her own and nipping possessively, Alex tweaked the two strands of rope. She wanted to torture Olivia's as thoroughly as possible and she grinned as Olivia gasped and squirmed helplessly at her touch. "Do you like that, Olivia?"

Olivia panted for a moment, struggling to regain control of her thoughts despite the constant friction against her clitoris, before Alex's strong fingers on her nipple prompted her to answer. "Yes, ma'am," she gasped. Satisfied, Alex soothed her wife's sore nipple with a caress. She leaned to whisper in Olivia's ear.

"Now what, darling?" As she spoke, she stroked Olivia's breasts and scratched the sensitive flesh lightly with her nails, driving her aroused lover to distraction while demanding an answer.

"What… whatever you think, ma'am," Olivia choked. Alex laughed and tickled Olivia's ribs, making her squirm with laughter and further torture herself with the ropes.

"Nice try, sweetie," she said with mock sternness. "I want a real answer." She ran her fingernails up and down Olivia's sides, which she knew would make her wife wild with laughter.

Finally, Olivia managed an answer, looking at Alex with long-lidded eyes filled with humor. "Lose the suit."

Alex instantly stopped tickling and seized Olivia's collar, yanking her forward so that they were eye to eye. Her smile turned dangerous. "The answer was correct but the delivery leaves much to be desired. I think you're playing me, Olivia. I think you want to be punished." With heavy pressure on her shoulders, Alex forced Olivia to kneel and then to rest on her hip with her legs curled to her side. Before, Alex would have preferred her to kneel, but now, with her damaged knees, Alex allowed her to avoid stressing those joints. Besides, Alex considered, the strain of maintaining perfect posture in this new position made Olivia a very pretty picture indeed. Keeping careful watch to catch Olivia disobeying any further, Alex stepped back and quickly discarded her jacket. "Look at me," she purred.

With impossible slowness, Alex began to unbutton her pale blouse. She watched Olivia watching her and bit her lip in arousal at her pet's reaction. Each button she unfastened was punctuated with a tiny gasp from the submissive woman and the sounds seemed to go straight to Alex's core. Warmth began to pool low in her belly and Alex had to struggle to maintain her slow pace. Part of her wanted to throw Olivia down on the carpet and thrust her hips to her wife's lips. She kept her impatience in check and eventually finished with her blouse, slipping it from her shoulders and tossing it onto a nearby chair. With equal slowness, she unzipped her slacks and let them drop to the floor, kicking them away carelessly. Moving sensuously, Alex dropped to her knees and crawled to her wife.

Keeping her expression carefully stern, she sat back on her knees and reached to touch the front-clasp of her bra. "Olivia," she said slowly, drawing out each syllable. "Should I take this off too?"

Olivia needed no further invitation to answer. "Yes, please, ma'am," she blurted, graceless but endearingly eager. Alex bit her lip and smartly popped open the plastic clasp. She relished Olivia's sigh of anticipation as she watched Alex's every movement. Rising higher on her knees, Alex wrapped her hand around the back of Olivia's head and urged her forward. She pressed her breast to Olivia's lips and growled in pleasure as Olivia kissed and sucked on her sensitive nipple. She tightened her grip in Olivia's hair and yanked her head back until the brunette yelped in pain.

"Aren't we eager?" Alex teased, keeping her grip firm. "I don't think you've behaved well enough to warrant a reward." She released Olivia's hair and shoved her down. Despite her callous veneer, she watched Olivia carefully as the brunette regained her balance and kept her palms and eyes glued to the carpet in submission. Olivia had asked Alex for this but the blonde wanted to make sure she didn't cross a line. If they were to resume their former special relationship with the same vigor, Alex needed to work hard to gain Olivia's full trust. But, as Alex judged from Olivia's enthusiastic and apologetic kissing of her knees, her actions were not only accepted but welcomed.

Shooing Olivia's efforts away with seeming disdain, Alex stood gracefully. Again burying her fist in her wife's hair, Alex pulled Olivia's head painfully back. "If you can think you can behave, you can take these off. Otherwise, I can just untie you and we'll go to bed." As she spoke, Alex drew her fingertip along the waistband of her skimpy panties and imbued her voice with deadly seriousness. However, she could hardly maintain her harsh expression when Olivia strained against the hand balled in her hair to take the elastic between her teeth. Satisfied, Alex released her grip and let her head fall back as she enjoyed the sensation of Olivia working to remove her panties with only her teeth and lips. As she felt the light cloth fall to her feet, Alex moved to step out of them but stopped in surprise as she felt warm breath against her core.

Alex's first reaction was to push Olivia away but, as she became aware of the unmistakable sensations of a tongue and soft lips searching to give her pleasure, she relented. Resting a warm hand in Olivia's hair, Alex spread her feet a little wider to allow her wife better access. As a wave of pleasure washed over her, Alex decided that she would punish Olivia later. For now, Alex was enjoying herself too much.

Olivia kept her eyes closed as she nuzzled against Alex's thighs and pressed her lips to her wife's familiar flesh. Her wife, Olivia mused. Alex was hers and hers only. She couldn't believe how lucky she had become. She had never considered herself a lucky woman. She was born to an unwilling mother, the product of a violent act, and had then suffered violent acts herself. But, after all of that, she had managed to find and marry the woman of her dreams. And Alex was stunning and a powerful mistress to boot. Olivia only wanted to express all of those mixed feelings in the best way she knew how. So she poured all of her heartfelt emotions into her lips, tongue and teeth as she worked to give Alex love and pleasure.

Alex had to steady herself with a grip in Olivia's hair as her knees became decidedly weak. She simultaneously hated and loved that Olivia always knew exactly how to drive her wild. Suddenly, Alex yelped in a high voice and then groaned. It was the teeth, the teeth that always made her feel this way. Olivia nipped a quick path along Alex's labia, using her tongue to soothe the sore spots before Alex was even able to register the pain. She rolled Alex's clitoris between her teeth, keeping her pressure gentle but just firm enough to clearly establish her intent. Feeling Alex's shakiness, Olivia drew her wife's clit between her lips and sucked. She tilted her head to rub her cheek along the impossibly smooth skin of Alex's inner thigh as she did so and was rewarded by Alex's fingers clenching reflexively in her hair. Alex's moan rang in her ears. Olivia kissed her wife through her orgasm and allowed herself to moan against Alex's core. She no longer cared if Alex heard. If she didn't hear, that was fine. If she heard and decided to punish Olivia, so much the better.

After a moment that seemed to stretch into hours, Alex regained control of her body. Reluctantly, she released her grip on Olivia's hair and stretched her sore fingers reflexively. Catching her breath, she schooled her expression into one of rebuke though she felt sure that she more resembled a debauched schoolgirl than a stern mistress. "Olivia," she growled. "I don't remember asking you to do that or to speak out of turn. I'll go easy because that felt wonderful but I think you need to be punished." With cat-like quickness, Alex reached to grab the rope around Olivia's waist. She hauled her pet to her feet with only the pressure on the rope, ignoring the whimpers and yelps of pain as it rubbed against Olivia's aroused clit. Once Olivia was upright, Alex curled her fingers around the collar and jerked her forward.

Maintaining her grip, Alex dragged Olivia to stand beside her suitcase. Briefly, Alex rummaged through the jumble of clothes and toys before lifting out the gag Olivia hated the most and dangling it teasingly before her eyes. "Open your mouth," Alex ordered flatly. She shoved the enormous phallic gag between Olivia's teeth until the brunette gagged and buckled it tightly behind her head. Using one hand to grab the torturing rope and rub it roughly between Olivia's legs, Alex used the other to caress the brunette's cheek. "Just to make sure you don't do that again." She laughed and kissed the corner of Olivia's stretched lips as she enjoyed the muffled moans of pleasure. This promised to be great fun. Again she hauled Olivia along by her collar until they reached the suite's desk. With all her strength, Alex threw Olivia down and held her until her cheek was pressed firmly against the wood. She gave her an extra shove to make her expectations clear before returning to the suitcase. She knew just the thing to make Olivia pay for her forwardness.

Hefting the vibrator in her hand, Alex allowed herself a satisfied smile. This would make Olivia crazy. Digging through the suitcase, she located the tiny plastic vial of tingling lube and turned back to her wife. To her smirking approval, Olivia was exactly as Alex had left her, bent over the wooden desk. Alex plugged the powerful vibrator in and straightened, thrusting her thigh between Olivia's legs, kicking at her feet until her legs were spread wide. Alex hummed loudly with exaggerated pleasure as she coated the vibe with lube. Keeping her gaze fixed on Olivia's turned cheek and averted eyes, Alex clicked her toy on and took in Olivia's quickly concealed anticipation with relish. Wrapping her fist around the rope torturing her wife, Alex tugged upward until Olivia stood on her toes before planting the vibe's head firmly against the brunette's clit. Alex grinned menacingly.

Though Olivia struggled to pull away, Alex thrust the vibrator against her wife's folds, granting her no relief. For Olivia's benefit, she laughed as if in triumph even as she carefully watch for Olivia to snap her fingers. It was the way for Olivia to signal she had had enough when she had lost the ability to speak. But Olivia's fingers never snapped. Instead they curled into tight fists and she strained against the soft ropes binding her so securely. To Alex, her struggles were gorgeous and she responded only by switching the vibrator to its highest setting. Olivia shrieked behind her gag, the sound twisted into a desperate whimper by the thick, choking rubber. She bucked against Alex's hand and then shuddered violently. Alex bent to press her lips to the back of Olivia's neck, nursing her through her orgasm by kissing tender circles along her hairline. Finally, satisfied that Olivia had paid for her transgression with pain and wanton pleasure, Alex discarded the vibe and used both hands to rub her wife's shoulders. Slowly, Olivia's breathing returned to normal. Alex stroked her hair and whispered in her ear. "Did you learn your lesson, pet?" Olivia only managed a jerky nod through her orgasm-clouded mind and she prayed that Alex would accept her efforts.

With contrasting gentleness, Alex helped Olivia to straighten and she held the brunette lovingly against her body. She nuzzled against Olivia's cheek. "Oh, Liv, that was beautiful. I can't believe how lucky I am." Olivia leaned into the touch and whimpered into the gag. She wanted to tell Alex that she was the lucky one but the thick gag made the sentiment unintelligible. Straining against the tight ropes, Olivia reached to take one of Alex's hands in her own. She squeezed it and was rewarded with Alex's knowing smile. They looked into each other's eyes for a long and tender moment before Alex reassumed her dictated role. "You're not finished, you know. You made so many mistakes. I'm very disappointed." Though her words were severe, Alex winked pointedly to reassure her gorgeous, submissive wife.

With an air of anger, Alex dragged Olivia to the bed and forced her to sit on the mattress. Leaving her there, Alex went to her suitcase to fetch the marker. This was the punishment that inspired the greatest respect from Olivia and Alex was excited to use it. Returning to Olivia's side, Alex knelt and uncapped the black marker, ordering Olivia to watch. Glancing over her shoulder, Alex was pleased to see that Olivia had a clear view of herself in the full length mirror. Sternly, she pressed the tip of the marker to her wife's collarbone. She began to write and, as she wrote, she murmured to Olivia.

"Mrs. Alexandra Cabot," she wrote in large, stark letters along the line of Olivia's collarbone. She repeated the phrase across Olivia's belly and down each of her thighs. Between letters, Alex glanced up at Olivia. The brunette's gaze alternated between the marker against her skin and her reflection in the mirror. Alex was sure that Olivia understood exactly what she was doing. She pressed on with loving determination. Soon, Olivia's entire body bore the words denoting her belonging and Alex rocked back on her heels to admire the effect. It was beautiful. Not only was Alex's name engraved on the tag on her collar, her name adorned every part of Olivia's slender body. From her throat to her ankles, no one could mistake who Olivia belonged to. Satisfied, Alex tossed the marker aside and drew Olivia to her feet.

Gently, her arm wrapped around Olivia's waist, Alex guided her wife to the suite's Jacuzzi. It was already warm and bubbling, as Alex had intended, and she trailed her hand lazily in the soothing water. Alex drew her wet fingers across her wife's cheek and along her jawline. "If you'll behave, I'll take out the gag. Will you be a good girl?" Olivia nodded emphatically in response to Alex's question and raised her eyebrows in an expression of entreaty. To her relief, Alex unbuckled the leather straps and drew the long gag from between Olivia's teeth. As Olivia coughed, Alex tossed the contraption aside and touched the side of her neck gently. "How about a bath?" she asked quietly.

Olivia nodded and met her eyes with a look of such complete love and abandon that Alex could not refuse. Carefully, Alex held her upper arms as Olivia stepped into the roiling tub. Alex followed quickly and, wrapping her arms around her wife's body, eased both of them into the tub. She sighed loudly as the water jets caressed her body and she pulled Olivia close. Soon, they laid quietly together on their sides, Alex holding Olivia with one hand below the brunette's breasts and the other tight over her thighs. She nestled her lips against Olivia's jaw.

"I'm so happy, Olivia. You're my wife and I can hardly believe that it's true." She let her voice trail off as she pressed gentle kisses to Olivia's long neck. Suddenly, Alex felt Olivia's fingers. Bound as she was, Olivia could touch only Alex's thighs and her soft folds. She meant to tell Alex what she couldn't say in words. She used her fingers to caress her wife and she moaned with pleasure. She knew that the sound would enhance Alex's pleasure.

Aided by the warm jets of water, Olivia touched and rubbed against Alex's most sensitive flesh. She used all of the tricks she had learned in their years together, brushing her fingertips teasingly against Alex's clitoris and using her sharp nails to mix pain with intense pleasure. She felt Alex's breath hot against her throat and jaw and used those sensations as inspiration. Finally she felt Alex's grip tighten around her hips and Olivia knew that she had accomplished her goal. She had brought her wife to climax for the second time that evening and she let herself relax. The day had been overwhelming for her, both physically and emotionally. She was now content to sink exhaustedly against Alex's body and enjoy the steaming water. They were married and Olivia had given thanks. Now was the time for rest and closeness.


	51. Chapter 51

Olivia forced herself to set the little plastic device down on the edge of the sink. Staring at it wouldn't make it work faster nor would it change the result. She checked her watch and wanted to scream in frustration. Only thirty seconds had passed. It had already felt like an hour. She chuckled a little at her silliness. Three minutes out of a lifetime was like the blink of an eye. But she checked her watch again and sighed. There were still two minutes and twenty seconds to go. Raking her fingers through her hair, Olivia threw herself down onto the edge of the tub. By this time, she should have learned some patience. She was practically an expert at taking pregnancy tests now but her experience only seemed to make the waiting harder. She clasped her hands together and said a prayer. Please, God, let it have worked this time.

They had already been through in vitro fertilization attempts four times and always with the same crushing result. The doctor had agreed to this last trial but he hadn't expressed high hopes for success. Though he had found nothing physically wrong with his patient, none of the embryos had implanted. He couldn't give the two women an explanation. He could only counsel them that the procedure simply didn't work for all women and refer them to several gay-friendly adoption agencies. He was good but he wasn't God, after all. Actually, he had only given Olivia this last chance because of Alex. Swearing him to secrecy, she had outlined her wife's history for him and begged. She had been very convincing.

Of course, Olivia knew nothing about that conversation. Alex had made sure of that. She knew how sensitive Olivia could be about her traumatic past. She also understood exactly how deep Olivia's wish for a family of her own ran. Alex wanted to give Olivia that, a real flesh-and-blood relative, a baby conceived out of love who might inherit Olivia's brown eyes or goofy laugh. Olivia would never admit it aloud but Alex knew how much a child of her own would mean to her. They had discussed adoption and considered how many babies were in real need of a home. Alex assumed that, one day, they would adopt. Nevertheless, Alex wanted Olivia to have a real shot at a biological child.

So that was how Olivia had ended up here, praying to a deity she didn't believe in about a piece of plastic she had peed on. Sometimes, she couldn't fully comprehend how completely her life had changed. Just a few years ago, Olivia had been a totally different woman. Then, she had been a green detective, taking too much of her work home with her and having to run from crime scenes far more often than she wanted to admit so she could lose her lunch in an alley. She had been an unwittingly lonely woman, a resigned bachelorette who threw herself into her work to make up for having missed out on her chance for a family. At least, the chance she had missed until Alex walked into her life.

The process occurred so slowly that Olivia was hardly aware that her life was being transformed. The lonely workaholic was now a dear friend, a beloved wife and preparing to be an expectant mother. It hadn't been easy but it had been worth it. Even after all of the trauma and struggle, Olivia hardly dared to believe it was true. She felt like the luckiest woman in the world. With luck on her mind, she reached for the pregnancy test. She had been disappointed so many times but she still had a spark of hope. All she needed was to see that little pink plus sign and that hope would be satisfied.

Olivia worked the bread crumbs, eggs and garlic into the bowl of ground meat with relish, kneading the ingredients with her hands and enjoying the texture. She felt at home with her hands busy preparing meals. She cooked when she was happy and when she was sad or angry or excited. Tonight she was making her special marinara and meatballs. Her mother hadn't been Italian but, judging from the aromas that wafted from her kitchen when she had the time and wits to cook, she might well have lived in Rome in a previous life. The meatballs were from her secret recipe and Olivia made them whenever she wanted to remember the good times they had spent together. That was why she made them now; she wished her mother could be with her as she and Alex struggled to start their family. She shaped the last meatball and slid the heavy pan into the oven. Over the hiss of the water taps as she scrubbed her hands, Olivia heard the lock on the front door click open. Alex was home.

Responding to Alex's called greeting, Olivia hurriedly dried her hands and searched for the corkscrew. Since their wedding, Olivia had developed into a hopeless domestic. She delighted in greeting her beloved breadwinner with a kiss, a glass of wine and the enticing aromas of dinner in the oven. Never had she ever dreamed that she might end up as a housefrau but, now that she had a wife who gleefully appreciated her efforts, Olivia took great satisfaction from her home life. That wasn't to say that she managed a Martha Stewart-esque feast every evening. Far from it. Some nights, Olivia came home tired and frustrated and it was all she could do to dump a bag of frozen stir-fry into a pan. But, no matter how simple the meal was, Alex unfailingly offered up praise and endearments. She was glowingly proud of her resilient wife and she told her so at every opportunity.

After so much adversity, Olivia had pulled her life back together admirably. Though it had been agonizing for her, Olivia had accepted that she had to give up the career she had struggled for so long to create. Returning wasn't an option. Not only was it likely that she would never again meet the physical requirements, her PTSD would have made her work unbearable. If she couldn't trust herself, she couldn't expect a partner to rely on her. If she went to work and had a flashback, Elliot could be hurt or worse. She would never be able to live with that. So, she turned in her badge and said goodbye to the job that had been her passion for so much of her life. But she was tough and it was only a job. She was dedicated to the victims. Even if she was no longer a cop, there would still be victims whose lives she could touch. She just had to find another way.

She believed she had. With her degree in psychology in hand, Olivia enrolled in a Master's program at Hudson University. Now she was well on her way to earning a degree in social work. She had interacted with New York's department of child protective services too many times to count during her years with SVU. She knew exactly how overworked and understaffed the social workers were. They were in desperate need of more manpower. You didn't have to be a star athlete to help children in need and you didn't have to carry a gun. It was an ideal choice for Olivia and she threw herself into her studies. It was hard work but, for the first time in more than a year, Olivia had a life outside of her trauma and her apartment. It was as if the last brick of her bombed-out life had been cemented back into place. And today, she was certain she had passed her last qualifying exam, the first of the two life-changing tests she had taken this afternoon. It was time for comfort food and good company. She popped the cork and poured a glass.

She met Alex in the kitchen doorway as the blonde wandered in after changing out of her work suit. Pressing the glass into Alex's hand, Olivia tilted her head back for a kiss. Alex gave her a smiling peck and took a long sip of her wine, sighing. It had been a long day. Not a bad day, just a long one. She was glad to be home and, judging from the appetizing scents of garlic and tomato sauce, her evening was only going to get better. She gave Olivia a pat on the rear and followed her nose into the kitchen.

"Smells good, Mrs. Cabot," she quipped, lifting the lids off bubbling sauce pans and cracking open the oven for a peek at the delicacies cooking away inside. "What did I do to deserve this feast?"

Olivia swatted Alex's hands away and scowled. "Who said anything about you?"

Alex laughed and used her free hand to grasp her wife's belt and pull her close. Snickering at Olivia's poorly acted irritation, Alex waggled her eyebrows. "Alright then. What did you do to deserve this? And don't tell me it's because you passed your exam because I knew you would." Olivia rolled her eyes and dodged Alex's sly bid for another kiss. She turned away and fussed at the stove, stirring and tasting while Alex chuckled at her blustering. Mostly, she didn't want Alex to see her smile. Alex really was too smug for her own good.

"Okay, okay, Liv. You can tell me all about it. Just don't expect me to act surprised because I'm not." Grinning, Alex brushed past her to retrieve a second glass from the cupboard. Though she played it down, Alex really was terribly excited and proud. Even if she had been certain of her wife's success, she knew how worried Olivia had been. It was just too much fun to tease her about it. "The sauce isn't going anywhere. Come and have a glass of wine with me." She clinked the neck of the bottle against the rim of the glass as Olivia turned away from the stove and smiled mischievously.

"None for me," she murmured. "I… shouldn't."

"Oh, Liv. The doctor sa…" Sudden realization struck her dumb. She stared at Olivia, whose smile grew wider and wider, and had to muster all of her self control to set the bottle back on the table. As soon as the wine was out of danger, Alex flung herself across the kitchen and grabbed Olivia's hands.

"Wha… Are you… Did… When?"

Olivia threw her head back and laughed out loud. Alex was supposedly the famous Ice Princess, calm, cool and collected. Her expression as she tugged impatiently at Olivia's hands was priceless. Olivia almost wished she had a camera.

"I took a test this afternoon, Alex. You're going to be a mo…" Her words were cut off as Alex abandoned her hands in favor of burying her fingers in Olivia's hair and capturing her lips in a long, passionate kiss. Abruptly, Alex broke away and looked straight at her still grinning wife.

"Olivia, how much time do we have before dinner?"

Olivia started at the question. It was the last thing she had expected Alex to ask. She spluttered for a moment. "Um, the timer has about thirty minutes left." Before she had time for another word, Alex spun her around and slapped her ass.

"Perfect," Alex growled happily. "That's all the time I need. You have ten seconds to get rid of those jeans before I rip them off. You'd better get a move on… Momma."


	52. Chapter 52

"Oh, goddamn it," Olivia moaned as she rested her temple against the cool wood of the bathroom cupboard. With one hand, she flushed the toilet without opening her eyes. She was getting good at that. Too good. For all that movies and TV made a big deal of morning sickness, Olivia had never quite believed in it. It wasn't as though her life had been filled with mothers-to-be. And her own mother certainly had never been fond of sharing with Olivia the joys of pregnancy, for painfully obvious reasons. Well, she believed in it now. If it hadn't been for the wonderful event that caused this relentless nausea, she would have been wild with furious irritation. She was Olivia Benson. She did not get sick.

Her ego wasn't helping any now. She shifted her cheek to a freshly cool spot on the side of the cupboard and tried to decide whether the worst was over and she could get on with her day. The door to the bathroom creaked open and Olivia cracked an eye to look up at her wife. Alex was already perfectly groomed and she wore a fresh, bright smile. Olivia let her eyelids fall shut again and groaned in irritation. She hadn't even had time to splash water on her face yet. She wasn't ready to face the cheerfulness Alex had constantly affected since finding out about the baby. Her chipperness was just too much to take sometimes.

Alex ran her fingers and palm through Olivia's hair. She always did this when Olivia was ill. Now she did it every day. She had it down to a science, repeating the routine every time she heard the toilet flush. She petted Olivia's hair until she coaxed her to leave the bathmat. She'd press a glass of ginger ale into her hands as they went to the kitchen and then hand her her breakfast, a box of salt-free soup crackers. Olivia hated it but even she had to admit that they settled her stomach. Then, as Olivia munched sullenly on the dry crackers, Alex gave her a peck on the cheek and left for work. It had become a routine that Alex enjoyed immensely. She wished Olivia didn't have to be so miserable but, still, Alex loved taking care of her wife and their baby. When she finally left for the office, she always did so with a special spring in her step. She was going to be a mom and she was going to be damn good at it.

Though she knew that almost everyone had the pleasure of expecting a child at one point or another, Alex couldn't help the feeling that theirs was special. Olivia was special and therefore the baby couldn't help but be special. And Alex couldn't help feeling on top of the world. Life was finally good again and, after the dark depths they had endured together, it was even sweeter than before. And Olivia looked more beautiful than ever, once the waves of morning sickness passed at least. It really was true what they said about pregnant women glowing. Alex had never been so turned on. Her skin seemed even softer than before, her breasts were heavy and unbearably sensitive and, best of all, she was insatiable. Whatever other side effects the hormonal rages were inflicting, Alex could certainly live with these. And life with them she did, to the end of her stamina every night after work. She was completely exhausted but she had never been so happy in her life. She was getting laid more often than she brushed her teeth. Life was really, really good.

Olivia hurried out of the bathroom, gathering up scattered books and notes and jammed them into a bag. She had to get a move on. She wanted this degree quickly and now she had extra motivation. There was no way she would sacrifice her time with her new-born baby to sit in a library sifting through papers. She had already wasted too much of her life working instead of spending time with the ones she loved. That meant she had work to do and about six months left to do it. So far, she had a title and not much else: The influence of socioeconomic class and other factors on sexual assault victims' usage of counseling and psychological services. It was a topic close to her heart on many levels and she was grateful to her advisor for supporting it. And for supporting her accelerated graduation. Now she just had to make it happen.

Bag in hand, she caught a glimpse of herself in the bedroom mirror and stopped short. Tilting her head a little to the side, she brought her palm to her midsection and stared at her reflection. She looked, for lack of a better word, different. It wasn't that she hadn't noticed the changes happening in her body; daily bouts on her knees before the toilet were a hard symptom to ignore. No, she just hadn't taken the time to really look. Very slowly, she grasped the hem of her cotton blouse and lifted it, gradually revealing inch after inch of pale skin. Naturally, the first thing that drew her eye was the scarring but they had finally become old hat to Olivia. After more than two years of living with them, she had learned to accept them. She could look deeper.

Squinting, she turned and examined her profile in the mirror. She didn't know exactly what she expected to see but she looked anyway. It was still early but she searched for the telltale bump. No luck. Her belly was still flat but she had to admit that she looked a little… pudgy. She chuckled a little and, suddenly gleefully silly, she pouched her stomach out and laughed out loud. She ran her hand over her protruding belly and smiled to herself. Yes, she definitely was putting on weight. It wouldn't be long now. The thought jerked her reluctantly out of her pleasant reverie. It wouldn't be long until yet another day passed with too little work on her thesis. If she was going to make her appointment at the NYC Alliance Against Sexual Assault, she had to hurry. Sighing, she dropped the edge of her blouse and picked up her bag. Taking a last glance in the mirror, she tried to make her expression humble and serious. It didn't work. She simply could not wipe the stupid grin off of her face. It would just have to do.

Olivia sat in a dinette chair in the very center of the kitchen, struggling to remain perfectly still as Alex prowled in circles around her. They had hardly even begun their scene and already Olivia wanted to jump out of the chair and tackle her wife. With Alex, Olivia had always had a healthy appetite but, over the past two months, her libido had really gotten out of hand. Sitting in the library, Olivia constantly found herself fantasizing about what she might convince Alex to do to her. Once or twice, she had even dug out her phone with the mindless intention to give her wife a booty call. At least, that's what Alex liked to call it. Olivia preferred "spontaneous expression of love." Needless to say, she always managed to restrain herself, at least until she packed up her things and escaped from the library. But, to make a long story short, Olivia wanted it. She wanted it at breakfast, she wanted it at dinner and, most irritatingly, she wanted it now, if only Alex would finally give it to her. She shifted uncomfortably and winced as the chains rattled.

True to form, Alex whirled and bent so that she was face to face with Olivia. She grinned deviously and laid both of her hands atop Olivia's wrists, rechecking the tightness of the chains. She already knew that they were fine; she wasn't exactly new at this. Still, she couldn't help being excessively careful. After all, Olivia was in a… delicate state. No matter how long or loudly Olivia coaxed, Alex planned on being gentle. Besides, it would drive her horny wife crazy which was both safe and exceptionally fun.

"Well, well, if I didn't know better, I'd guess that you were trying to get away from me. You know I don't like that, Olivia, especially after I told you very specifically to keep still." She growled as she stalked behind Olivia. She nipped none too gently at the nape of her wife's neck. "You know disobedience must be punished. I'll let you choose: a whipping and I'll touch you or you can go to bed immediately. Now what will it be?" Falling silent, she hid her bright smile in Olivia's hair, nuzzling and inhaling her pretty scent possessively. She'd give her a moment but she wouldn't wait forever. She tightened her fingers in Olivia's hair and gave a sharp tug, not hard enough to hurt but more than enough to get her attention.

Olivia gasped and shuddered, making the silver chains around her wrists and ankles clink loudly in the quiet apartment. Alex chuckled almost silently. She loved that sound. She had had those chains made specifically for Olivia, as a wedding present, and the tinkling of the silver links was sweeter than anything else to Alex's ears. Well, almost anything else but she had a plan for that too. She tugged again.

"Whipping," Olivia hissed, squeezing her eyes shut and straining to ease the pressure on her scalp. Alex gave her a sharp nip, on she was certain would leave a pretty, red mark.

"I'm trying to be generous, Olivia, but you seem hell bent on testing me. Now, ask properly or you'll get a whipping and be sent to bed." Olivia jumped a squirmed to escape Alex's persistent teeth.

"Please, ma'am, I'm sorry." Her speech broke for a split second as Alex bit her again and she yelped reflexively. Damn, it really hurt. "Please whip me, ma'am!" Her words came out in a rush, forceful and desperate for relief from the nipping and from the insistent hormonal desire between her legs. At that moment, she was willing to suffer anything if only Alex would touch her.

Alex hummed approvingly and curled her hand under Olivia's jaw, coaxing her head to turn. Olivia's eyes were heavy-lidded and her irises seemed almost black. Her cheeks were flushed deep red with arousal and she… Alex couldn't identify it, but Olivia smelled lovely. If love and adoration had a scent, this would be it, sweet, musty and warm. It was irresistible. She had to get closer. With one hand raking through Olivia's hair, Alex lowered her lips to Olivia's, first touching and then pushing deeper, tasting and claiming. Sometimes, even strapping Olivia down wasn't enough for Alex. She wanted to have her all. And when she did, she wanted to enjoy it. Like now. She had the woman of her dreams here, pregnant with their child and begging for her touch with her body, words and lips. It was intoxicating.

Ruefully, Alex broke the kiss and paused to admire her wife's kiss-swollen lips and heaving chest. Olivia leaned forward, seeking her mistress's lips but Alex once again curled her fist in her hair and held her in place. She was very sweet but, if she couldn't follow the rules, Alex would force her to behave. She looked away just long enough to select a short riding crop from the implements she had laid out on the table. With her gentle intentions, Alex had arranged them to merely make Olivia uncomfortable and apprehensive. She hadn't planned to use them but she figured that giving Olivia a little taste couldn't hurt. She slapped the wide leather tip against her thigh and chortled at Olivia's tenseness. Alex had her just where she wanted her.

Careful to keep the crop in Olivia's view, Alex bent low and rested her chin on Olivia's shoulder. She tugged Olivia's head back so that they were cheek to cheek. She ran the crop over her wife's trembling legs, starting around her knees and winding a slow path up her thighs. She dipped it quickly between Olivia's legs, skimming the warm leather close to her center but moving away just as rapidly. Alex laughed and nuzzled her wife as Olivia sighed with disappointment. If Olivia was a violin then Alex was a first-string master; she knew exactly how to play her.

Licking her lips in concentration, Alex caressed Olivia's breasts with the crop, taking her time and coaxing her nipples to tighten before extending her arm. She hesitated just long enough for Olivia to focus on the pain that was sure to come before slicing the thin cane through the air. Under her touch, Alex could feel Olivia flinch and gasp through her clenched teeth. But, as the pain never came, Olivia opened her eyes and slowly let her breath out. The tip of the riding crop hovered an inch from her nipple and she could feel Alex smiling against her cheek. Suddenly, Alex's arm whipped out again and the crop clattered away, sliding into some unknown corner of the kitchen as Alex's peals of laughter followed it.

Alex pressed her lips to Olivia's ear and bit down on her earlobe. "See? If you behave, good things come. It's your lucky day, Liv. I think you'll be the next good thing to come here."


	53. Chapter 53

Olivia leaned down and struggled to stuff a throw pillow underneath her swollen ankles, laughing a little at how difficult it had become. She used to run three miles a day. Now it was a challenge just to bend and reach her ankles at the end of the sofa. She already felt like a beached whale and there were still months to go. She could only imagine how she would feel in another few months. Or, for that matter, what new extremes of size and shape her ankles would reach. Groaning a little, she shifted down the sofa to prop her feet on the armrest without dislodging the stack of papers balanced on the remnants of her lap. Rubbing her eyes, she uncapped a fresh highlighter. If she was going to finish this thesis before the rest of her lap disappeared, she needed to keep making forward progress.

Alex stood at the foot of the sofa and grinned. Olivia looked as sweet as a nest of kittens, sleeping away the evening under a blanket of papers, her lips parted and her hand curled against her cheek. Alex almost hated to wake her but she hated the thought of letting her bag of goodies go unenjoyed even more. She set the bulging sack on the coffee table, shrugged out of her suit jacket and knelt on the rug. If she had to wake Olivia, Alex figured she could stand to do it in as pleasant a manner as possible.

Closing her eyes, Alex nuzzled her nose against Olivia's temple, delighting in her wife's silky hair and inhaling deeply. She couldn't get enough. After so many years together, Alex thought she had memorized every nuance and variation of Olivia's scent. But, as the baby swelled inside of her wife, something new tickled Alex's sensitive nose and she liked it. Olivia smelled warm and sweet, like baking bread and scalded milk. It was a heavy, sensuous scent, the scent of motherhood, and Alex wanted to keep her nose nestled in Olivia's hair forever. But, practical to a fault, Alex knew she had to get Olivia moving. After all, the ice cream wouldn't stay frozen forever. She slipped her fingers into Olivia's loose grip and rubbed her knuckles. "Wake up, Sleeping Beauty," she cooed.

Olivia groaned prettily and shifted, pulling Alex's hand to tuck it under her chin and unknowingly leaving a bright pink stripe of highlighter across her cheek. Alex chuckled and gently took the marker from her wife's hand, discarding it among the books on the coffee table. Suppressing her humor, Alex resumed her efforts, tickling Olivia's throat with her captive hand and keeping up her litany of gentle phrases. Olivia hated to be woken. If it wasn't work on the phone or at the door, Olivia took her sweet time coming around and it often required multiple attempts on Alex's part to get her out from under the covers in the morning. It was one of her most endearing routines and also one of her most frustrating. But tonight, Alex didn't mind. In fact, she was thoroughly enjoying coaxing Olivia to open her eyes. "Wakey, wakey, eggs and bacey, sweetheart."

As Olivia opened one eye and released her wife's hand to rub at the bridge of her nose, Alex straightened and slid the stacks of papers from atop Olivia's legs. Without warning, she dropped the sack onto Olivia's lap, laughing out loud at her wife's surprised grunt and retreating to the kitchen. "Look at what I brought you and I'll get you something for your face," she called over her shoulder.

Olivia grimaced comically and yawned, bringing her fingers up to touch her face. "What? My face?"

Returning, Alex held up a damp washcloth. "You had a little highlighter accident, honey. Hold still." Alex perched on the edge of the sofa, lifting Olivia's chin with one hand and dabbing at the pink mark with the other. She smiled. "There. Now, come on, see what's in the bag." She pushed the bag towards her wife and laughed softly as Olivia struggled to sit up against her bulging middle. There were still four months left and already Olivia was complaining of feeling like a slug. Alex was looking forward to the coming months with heartfelt enthusiasm. It was sure to be a very amusing time, for Alex at least.

"Oh, Alex," Olivia breathed over the rustling plastic sack. She held up an enormous jar of pickles, the very garlicky ones that made Alex wrinkle her nose in disgust. Her smile lit up her whole expression and she gripped the lid to open it. Alex quickly reached out, coaxing the coveted jar from her hands and setting it aside. She chuckled at Olivia's quick flash of disappointment. "Go on. See what else is there. I'll go get you some napkins." She rose and, even as she turned her back, she could hear Olivia's happy sounds. Alex busied herself fetching a spoon and a stack of paper napkins, keeping as quiet as possible, waiting for what she knew was coming.

"Really, Alex?" Olivia's exclamation of good-natured irritation carried easily through to the kitchen and Alex couldn't help but chuckle. She walked back into the living room and met Olivia's gaze as the brunette rolled her eyes over the back of the sofa and held up the DVD case with a dubious expression. "Father of the Bride II? I thought you'd have better taste."

With deft grace, Alex plucked the movie from Olivia's outstretched hand and slipped the disc into the DVD player. "And I thought we agreed that I'd leave you if I ever caught you eating those horrible pickles. Besides, I was told that this film is the ultimate resource for mothers-to-be." Nudging Olivia's feet aside with her hip, Alex sank onto the sofa and handed over the utensils as the music began to play. Olivia gave her one last exasperated look before she conceded defeat and sought consolation in her prized goodies. Prying the top off of her carton of ice cream, she dug her spoon in, brought it to her lips and moaned as the sweetness melted in her mouth.

"Peanut butter," she sighed, closing her eyes in pleasure. "Alex, how did you know?" Alex laughed and pulled Olivia's feet across her lap.

"Lucky guess," she murmured. "And keep it clean, over there. You know I've been working hard. I don't have the energy to get in your pants before the movie is over. But don't think I won't try if you keep moaning like that." Olivia rolled her eyes and dug out another spoonful. Smiling with amusement, she held it out to her wife.

"Here," she quipped. "To cool you off." Alex leaned far over Olivia's body, taking the bite and savoring it, smiling with her eyes at her beloved, swollen wife. It was a perfect moment. Olivia's grip on her ice cream was perfect. The heft of her bare feet in Alex's lap and the taste of sweetness on her tongue, it was all perfect. She drew the nail of her index finger up the length of Olivia's foot, making her wiggle away. Schooling her expression into one of innocence, Alex grasped her wife's ankle and went to town, nipping and scratching her nails over Olivia's tender arch. This was what Alex had been waiting for all day, her opportunity to spoil her wife and make her laugh. Watching Olivia squirm under her, Alex grinned widely and let the last of her work stress slide from her shoulders. God, Alex mused, she loved this woman.


	54. Chapter 54

As Alex walked Olivia up the treed, cobblestone path, the home's red front door opened and Elliot appeared, slinging a light jacket over his shoulders and shepherding his two youngest children before him. A familiar smile broke over his face and he met the two women with an air of open geniality. He squeezed Alex's shoulder and clasped his very pregnant partner in a one-armed hug. With a brief grimace of a smile, he gestured back towards the house.

"You're just in time, Liv," he drawled sardonically. "Kathy and the girls just gave me and the twins the boot. I warn you, it's a pink and blue nightmare in there." He smirked and then, feeling a tug on his shirttail, he turned his attention downward.

"Daddy, we're going to miss Nemo," Lizzie urged. Elliot palmed her blonde braid and grinned.

"We won't, I promise. Take your brother and get in the car." Practically hopping with excitement, Lizzie grabbed her twin's hand and tugged but Dickie didn't budge. Rather, he seemed rooted to the spot, his brown eyes round and fixed on Olivia's changed body. Following the line of his astonished gaze, Olivia chuckled and greeted him warmly. Her voice seemed to snap him from his rapt fascination.

"Wow. You're big," he breathed. All three adults laughed out loud and Elliot nudged his only son's shoulder, propelling him gently towards the driveway.

"That's enough, kiddo," Elliot quipped. Grinning at Olivia and winking at Alex, he said his goodbyes. "We gotta get out of here before Nemo gets found. Have fun in there. Oh, and Liv, you are getting pretty big. You sure you're not having twins? Or triplets?" Olivia swatted at him, though her expression was pleased, and he ducked out of her reach before beating a quick retreat. Alex wrapped an arm around her wife's swollen waist and guided her up the rest of the path and onto the front stoop. She rang the bell and then jumped back in surprise as Elliot's two older daughters ambushed Olivia.

The two girls, gawky, excited and blooming with the potential of womanhood, gushed their greetings. Elliot had already warned Olivia; Kathy had been planning something simple but Maureen and Kathleen had quickly taken it upon themselves to spruce it up. It was excusable, Alex supposed. This was their first real baby shower. That said, as Alex peered through the open front door, she had to admit she was glad she was heading out to meet her parents for a late lunch. Elliot's description paled in comparison to the reality. Every inch of visible wall was decorated with pink crepe paper and the stair banister was crowded with clusters of blue balloons and ribbons. Alex made a conscious decision to greet Kathy, thank her and then make a speedy escape. She loved Olivia, she would stand by her wife's side through anything. Well, anything but this. Kathy appeared in the foyer and ushered the girls back inside, smilingly allowing them to ferry the quaintly waddling woman down the hall with a chorus of excited giggles and shrill requests to feel the baby kick. The two blondes watched them disappear into the kitchen with matching grins before Kathy turned back to Alex.

"Sure we can't convince you to stay?"

Alex chuckled with grateful regret. "No, thanks, Kathy. I like what you've done with the place though."

Kathy rolled her eyes with good-natured exasperation. "yeah, well, I had some cupcakes and balloons all ready but Maureen conned the car keys and a credit card out of her father and, well… you can guess the rest." Alex nodded in understanding and then, instinctually, she reached out to clasp Kathy's hand. She and Elliot's wife had never been close. Hell, until Kathy had learned exactly which team Olivia batted for, the relationship between Elliot's family and his beautiful partner had resembled that between the USSR and the US in 1962: cold. But over the years, Olivia had saved Elliot's ass when he needed her to and had kicked it when Kathy needed her to. Their icy stalemate had thawed and then warmed into a strange sort of friendship. Kathy didn't have to go through the trouble of throwing Liv a shower but she had done it anyway and had evidently gone all out for it. Alex wanted to express her gratitude.

"Kathy, I just want to say thank you. I…"

Kathy cut her off with a brisk wave of her hand. "Alex, don't worry about it. The girls and I have had a great time setting it all up. Now, if you don't want to stay, you'd better get going so we can get this party started. I'll wrap up a cupcake for Olivia to take home for you." With a last, poignant glance, Alex grinned and turned away. Olivia was in good hands and she had to get on the road before she was late. Alex's mother hated tardiness.

Alex wove her way between white-draped tables of subdued diners, scanning over their heads for familiar faces. She caught her father's eye and changed course, returning his wave with a bright smile. She had big news to share with her parents. She had not told them of Olivia's pregnancy, citing to herself a fear of miscarriage to allay her vague sense of guilt at keeping it a secret. But, with Olivia at the center of a shower in her honor and her waist reaching epic dimensions of telltale roundness, Alex decided to come clean at last. Her excuses had worn thin. Her parents had given her marriage their blessing. She had to trust them to welcome her child or at least grow to accept it. But, first, she had to tell them.

Shrugging out of her jacket, Alex allowed her father to hold her chair for her as she settled herself and greeted her mother. She folded her napkin in her lap to give herself a moment to contain her nervous excitement. Swallowing hard, she decided to bite the bullet.

"Mom, Dad, I have some good news. I… we're… Olivia's pregnant." For a heartbeat, the trio sat in stunned silence. Then Nancy and Paul broke the stillness at once, their exclamations overlapping.

"Alex, honey, that's wonderful news."

"Pregnant? What are you thinking?"

Alex swallowed again, wetting her suddenly dry tongue with a sip of water. This conversation was not quite getting off to the start she had hoped for. She chose to acknowledge her father's positive comment first. Maybe it would give her mother a chance to calm down.

"Thank you, Dad," Alex said softly with a proud but restrained smile. "She's due in November. We wanted to tell you but… well, we were worried she wouldn't be able to carry it to term. We're…"

"Alexandra, she's seven months along? How? Why?"

"Mother," Alex snapped, heedless of eavesdroppers and taken aback by her mother's callous question. "Why? How can you ask that? Did you ask Aaron why he got Nicole pregnant with Andrea? Or Henry? We want a child, that's why. I had hoped that you would be happy for us." Nancy pinched her lips together and met her daughter's hotly angry stare with a cold look of her own.

"You know, I've tried to be okay with all this. I've tried to accept you the way you are and I've tried to accept Olivia as… your partner. But a child? Do you really think that your home would be the best place for a baby, Alexandra?" The breath seemed to evaporate from Alex's lungs. The way she was? Not the best place for a baby? She had expected resistance to the idea but this was too much for her to handle. Numbly, she moved to set her napkin back onto the table and run but her father's hand on her arm stopped her. Reluctantly, she looked up into his kind face.

As if Nancy was absent, Paul focused his attentions exclusively on his pained daughter. "Ignore your mother, baby girl, you know how she is. Tell me about it instead. Do you know the sex?" A weak smile returning to her drawn face, Alex laid her hand on top of her father's and pressed it. Neither she nor Paul spared Nancy a second glance as the older woman huffily excused herself to the powder room. As her mother's back disappeared around a corner, Alex took a steadying breath and focused on her joy. Alex was about to become a mother and her father wanted to know about his unborn grandchild. She managed to imbue her smile with a little more feeling.

"We don't know. The doctor almost let it slip but Olivia caught her. We want it to be a surprise." Paul chuckled with real pleasure despite his distraction.

"Well then, honey, I guess we'll be sending over something for the baby in yellow. Or would you prefer green?"

An amused grin plucking at her lips, Alex watched patiently as Olivia sank heavily onto their bed and heaved her legs up onto the mattress. Grunting and sighing dramatically, Olivia really did make a comical sight. Alex wanted to tease her beached wife but restrained herself. Adrift in a roiling sea of hormones, Olivia could dissolve into fits of laughter or inexplicable tears within the space of two breaths. Alex was unwilling to be the inspiration for any extremes of emotion at that particular moment. Lunch with her parents had been draining. She just wanted to whittle away the rest of the afternoon in quiet time with her wife, cuddling and admiring the onesies and plush blankets that had been showered on Olivia. Groaning, Olivia rolled onto her side to take the pressure off of her back and looked up at Alex, a sleepy, contented half smile making her face beautiful. Alex took the expression as an invitation. She joined Olivia on the bed, lying face to face with her wife and mirroring her relaxed posture.

Laying a hand on Olivia's hip, Alex sighed with comfort. "So, you had fun, huh?"

"Yeah, it was alright. A little overwhelming. I think Maureen and Kathleen enjoyed themselves the most." Olivia paused as she relived the happy memory. "They wanted to feel the baby kick and asked question after question. I think Maureen was about two minutes away from strapping her iPod to my stomach and playing Mozart to the baby. Elliot should really pay more attention to his kids' Google usage." Alex scooted closer and brought her fingers to the hem of Olivia's blouse.

"May I?"

Olivia sighed indulgently and squirmed to let Alex tug the shirt up over her belly. Biting her lip, Alex molded her palm to the taut swell of her wife's baby bump and held her breath. No matter how many times she did this, Alex never could breathe until she felt movement. They had spent so much time, sweat and money to make this happen; Alex felt as if she was eternally waiting for the other shoe to drop. Until she felt that telltale kick, Alex couldn't help nursing a spark of terror that things wouldn't work out after all. But she always felt it sooner or later, that miraculous thump of a heel or fist sheltered within the body of the love of her life. This time was no different. Alex let her breath whistle slowly through her teeth.

Warm fingers closed around Alex's wrist and moved her hand to her wife's hip. Olivia grinned smugly. "I have a better idea." She took hold of Alex's blouse, mimicking the way the blonde had only a few moments earlier, and pulled it up, baring Alex's flat stomach. With a hand curled around to the small of her wife's back, Olivia coaxed Alex even closer, maintaining her efforts until their bellies were pressed together. She held Alex tightly. She knew that something about her meeting with her parents had upset the blonde. Olivia could guess but Alex didn't seem to want to talk about it. In the meantime, she wanted to do something to cheer her up. "Close your eyes," she cooed.

Alex complied and, for a long while, they laid together in silence. Then, without warning, Olivia's grin widened and Alex gasped in delighted shock. She felt it, felt the baby kick against her like he or she kicked Olivia. It was different like this, so different from how it felt against her palm. Her eyes popped open to meet Olivia's and her jaw tightened with clashing joy and pain. In that instant, the reality of Olivia's pregnancy washed over Alex like a blessedly cool wave over sun-baked sand. Olivia was going to give birth to a baby and become a mother. Alex herself was going to be a mother. They were going to be a real family. It was as if all the dreams Alex had pursued and prayed over had burst, blinding her with bright stars and soothing her with warm breezes. Alex was happy.


	55. Chapter 55

Intently focused, Alex pressed the last few inches of blue tape along the white wooden molding, rubbing it vigorously with her fingertips to crowd out any bubbles and wrinkles. Tearing it off with a nip of her teeth, Alex tossed the roll back to the floor and turned cautiously around on her stepstool, scanning the room for any corner or edge as yet unmarked with blue tape. Spotting none, she stepped down and nudged the stool away with her toe. She flipped the lock on the window and, with some effort, hoisted the sash up. Pausing, Alex took a moment to admire her new view.

The noise filtering up from the street assaulted her but the landscape laid out for her viewing pleasure was worth it. The early autumn afternoon sun glinted off of countless window panes and made the air seem to sparkle. Over the shoulder of a gilded grey building, if Alex stood just right, she could see the trees of Central Park. It was a lovely location for their first family home and Alex was delighted.

Naturally prone to spoiling her normally Spartan brunette, Alex had of course made a stab at talking Olivia into something a little more upscale, maybe something right on the park, but Olivia had predictably refused to be coaxed. She acknowledged that Alex could certainly afford such luxury and that, as her wife, Alex was willing to pay the lion's share of their expenses, but Olivia simply couldn't agree. Maybe it was pride and maybe Elliot would lecture her that pride was a sin but Olivia wanted financial equality. Alex loved to tease her that she was certainly pretty enough to warrant arm-candy status for any sugar mama but Olivia always acknowledged such statements with a roll of her eyes and a patronized chuckle. Olivia would and could pay her own way, even if her way wasn't quite up to the style Alex was accustomed to but the blonde had grudgingly given in, subjecting herself to living two blocks from the park to keep her wife happy. At least, she figured, Olivia's lack of interest in her financial resources was a weapon she could stockpile for her rapidly escalating arms race with her mother. She grinned and mentally smacked herself back into the present. Olivia was practically ready to pop; if Alex didn't get this nursery finished, the bassinette would end up in the hallway.

Turning to reach for the ventilation fan, Alex jumped as she caught her wife watching from the doorway. Laughing off her startled reaction, Alex wedged the fan onto the windowsill and flipped it on. "Jesus, Liv, you scared me. I don't know how you manage to sneak up on me like that. Maybe I should consider getting you a bell."

Olivia ignored her wife's wit. "The movers just left. Alex, this place is huge. Our furniture looks a little ridiculous. Tell me again, how much are we paying?" Scowling, she batted Alex's hands away from her waist. She wanted answers before she let Alex touch her but, predictably, the blonde persisted until she got what she wanted. Hands on Olivia's hips, she drew their bodies together until her flat stomach was pressed to her wife's swollen one. Trying to restrain her guilty grin, Alex met Olivia's unamused gaze.

"Perhaps the number I quoted you was a slight underestimation." Olivia's eyes narrowed dangerously and Alex made a quick decision to come clean. Any more dillydallying and she had the sinking feeling that she too would be relegated to sleeping in the hall. Leaning close, she pressed her lips to Olivia's ear and whispered, as if saying it quietly would do some good.

Olivia jerked away, flinging Alex's hands from her body and staring with horror and indignation in her eyes. For a moment, Alex was distracted from her impending doom. Olivia, pregnant, sweaty and irate, made a very sexy picture. Alex almost wanted her to start yelling, just so she could muffle those yells with a kiss. Too soon, she was yanked from her vivid fantasy by her wife's furious swat at her arm.

"Six thousand dollars?" she growled. "Six? Alexandra Grace Cabot, you told me four. Two thousand dollars a month is a 'slight underestimation' to you?" She paused to suck a breath through her clenched teeth and then, her irritation spiking, she followed the line of Alex's gaze. Her breasts, Alex was staring at her breasts and practically drooling on herself. She couldn't help but goggle in utter disbelief at her brazenly unrepentant wife. Breathing forcefully, she flexed her fingers open and then closed them into shaking fists. Clearly, she wasn't going to get anywhere right now. She jabbed her finger accusingly at Alex's nose. "We're talking about this later. Don't even think you can talk your way out of it." Without another word, she spun on her heel and strode from the room with as much dignity as her waddling gait afforded her. She needed to cool down; attacking a few of the boxes stacked in the living room ought to do the trick.

Alex waited for her wife to stalk out of sight before finally letting her grin loose. That had gone much better than she had expected. She hadn't even gotten kicked to the couch, not even for one night. Olivia was furious but she never stayed mad long, at least not at Alex. She could come around in a little while and let Alex have her way. And then… well, the movers had already set up the bed and making up was always fun. But, risky as it was, Alex couldn't resist one last barb at her fuming wife. She poked her head into the hall, the better to be heard in the living room. "Don't get your panties in a twist, firecracker. I don't have the time to come untwist them for you." She ducked back into the nursery but not before Olivia's exasperated shriek reached her ears. Uncapping a gallon of duckling-yellow paint, Alex smirked. Yes, making up was going to be very amusing indeed.

Olivia moaned low in her throat, the guttural rumble closer to a growl than a mewl of pleasure. The sound only made Alex suck harder, pursing her lips and flicking her tongue against her wife's taut nipple. She knew from enthusiastically thorough experience exactly what she was doing to Olivia, exactly how exquisitely sensitive the pregnant woman's breasts had become. Olivia hissed and Alex popped her mouth off of the inviting flesh to lean up and look her wife in the face. Olivia's eyes were narrow; clearly, she was still ready to fight despite having allowed Alex into her bed. But, though she was angry, Alex was certain that arousal was beginning to take the edge off of the accusation in her eyes. Grinning wickedly, Alex touched her lips to her wife's wide-stretched mouth in a teasing facsimile of a kiss. "So, are you ready to apologize yet?" Instantly, Olivia spluttered against the black rubber ball, furiously squeezing unintelligible words around its silencing effect. Though she couldn't make out the syllables, Alex could read the meaning in Olivia's expression. Needless to say, it wasn't kind.

"Tut, tut, dearie," Alex crooned in a cloying, syrupy tone. "That wasn't very nice. I painted the whole nursery without you and you didn't say how nice it looks. You didn't even say thank you." Olivia glared indignantly up at her and Alex threw up her hands, shifting her weight as if to crawl off of the bed. "I'm so sorry you feel that way, Liv. See, girls who aren't polite don't deserve to have orgasms. I think you need a time out to reconsider your manners."

Instantly and much to Alex's smug gratification, Olivia reared up against the silk scarf connecting her wrists to the headboard and her voice took on a new character. Alex chuckled; it seemed that a touch of the proper encouragement was all it took to make her plump little birdie sing a much sweeter tune. "I suppose," she purred, "that this means you're ready to apologize after all, hmmm, sugar buns?" Olivia nodded eagerly, though her enthusiasm was still tempered with a hint of irritated reluctance. Alex decided to take what she could get. She was quite familiar with Olivia's wide stubborn streak and Alex really preferred not to go to bed without one of her wife's shuddering orgasms to replay in her dreams. Keeping her smile plastered slyly on her lips, she unbuckled the gag and gently withdrew it from Olivia's mouth. "Let's hear it, candy lips."

That last remark earned Alex a sharp look from her nonplussed wife but Olivia appeared resigned to giving Alex what she wanted. She began with a deep, huffy breath. "I'm sorry. You did a nice job. Thank you." Her apology was admittedly polite but far too curt. Alex decided to play with her a little longer.

"Close, but I just know you can do a little better than that. Try again, jelly belly." As she spoke, she slithered back down the mattress, poising her lips tantalizingly close to Olivia's quivering breast and waiting patiently. Olivia's eyes were fixed on hers and Alex took the opportunity to lick her lips with not-so-subtle intent. Olivia's sudden reaction made her want to bubble with smug laughter. Pushing Olivia off of the fence she had been riding had been almost too easy.

Alex's breath caressed her nipple, the warmth unbearable and irresistible, and Olivia's willfulness dissolved like a wisp of smoke in a hurricane. Her words flowed from her mouth in a rush, so badly did she want those lips on her skin again. "The nursery looks wonderful, perfect, great, amazing. Thanks you for painting it, ma'am. Thank you, thank you, thank…" Her voice cracked, cutting off her frenzied apology as Alex returned busily to her suckling and teasing. Olivia let her head fall back onto the pillows with a thud. She was still determined to have a talk with her tricky wife about her underhandedness, as well-intentioned as it had been, but that could be put off until later. Sneaky fingers crept between her all-too-pliable thighs and Olivia heaved a dry sob of pleasure. It could wait until much, much later.


	56. Chapter 56

Alex had to muffle a titter of excitement as she adjusted the pillow supporting Olivia's enormous belly. Olivia had been complaining about her back aching for quite some time now and Alex had the sneaking suspicion she knew exactly what was causing the pain. She plugged in the heating pad and pressed it to the small of Olivia's back, holding it in place as the warmth gained momentum and stroking wisps of silky brown hair behind her ear. "How does that feel, sweetheart?"

Olivia grunted. "Better." She rubbed at her swollen midsection and gingerly arched her spine in a vain attempt to stretch away the persistent aching. Lower back pain was something she had gradually grown accustomed to in the past six months but this was a new kind of soreness. And the baby was seemingly reveling in torturing her further, kicking at the same rib over and over until she wanted to scream with frustration. It was late and she was so tired. Apparently, the baby did not yet understand the meaning of normal business hours. She took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. At least the heating pad was helping.

All at once, Olivia knew she had to get up. Her eyes popped open and met Alex's. "I… I have to use the restroom. Now." Olivia was sure she spied a fleeting and knowing smile flash over her wife's lips but she didn't have time to give it more than a passing thought. The urge was overwhelming. Alex withdrew her embrace as Olivia struggled out of the bed as rapidly as her bulk would allow and, supporting her belly with her hands, waddled to the bathroom. Alex waited for the door to click shut before springing into action.

First of all, she checked the overnight bag, rifling through folded pajamas, magazines and travel-sized toothbrushes to make sure she hadn't forgotten anything. She knew that there would probably be more than enough time to grab any extras before they left for the hospital but she didn't want to be worrying about it later. Alex hated being caught empty-handed in an emergency. She had been a Girl Scout after all. She endeavored to always be prepared. She also had an unhealthy addiction to Thin Mints but that was beside the point. Right now, she wanted to make sure everything would be perfect.

Moving on from the overnight bag, Alex dashed to the door to set out a pair of shoes for both of them and to check for her keys and cell phone in her purse. She'd be damned if she had to fish for change to call her parents from a pay phone and miss even a second with her newborn and wife. Satisfied, Alex returned to the bedroom with a wide smile on her face just as Olivia emerged from the bathroom with an expression of mixed anxiety and expectancy. "Alex… I think my water just broke."

She barely managed to finish her shocked murmur before she was in her wife's arms. Well, as much in her wife's arms as possible. Olivia loved being pregnant but she was looking forward to the day when Alex could embrace her completely again. That thought made it sink in. In all probability, that day would be tomorrow. She shivered and then groaned as her back spasmed. Yes, that possibility was looking more certain every minute.

Growling through the discomfort, Olivia allowed Alex to walk her through to the living room and settle her on the sofa. She tucked a cushion behind her back and pulled a blanket over her legs. "Just sit here, Liv. I'll get the heating pad for you." Alex disappeared and Olivia exhaled slowly. She wasn't in any real pain, just very uncomfortable. And she wanted Alex to stay with her. As irrational as it was to miss her wife when she was only in the next room, Olivia wished Alex hadn't left her. More than anything, she just wanted Alex's touch while her body embarked on this new trial. Luckily she didn't have long to dwell on her predicament. Alex helped her ease forward so that the heating pad could be slipped into place. Leaning back, Olivia sighed and squeezed Alex's hand.

"Thank you, dear," she whispered. Alex laughed and pecked her on the cheek.

"I'm going to make you a sandwich. You're going to need your strength." She kissed Olivia again and then practically skipped to the kitchen, glancing back over her shoulder frequently to grin at her huffing wife as she took bread, meat and lettuce out of the refrigerator. Working quickly, Alex took a moment to reflect on the miracle that was in progress. She couldn't believe how calm she felt. Alex prided herself on her level-headedness but she still fully expected that her serenity would have evaporated like mist in New Mexico by now. After all, when it came to her wife, Alex had always been a little less than collected. But here she was, making Olivia a snack as the brunette rolled her eyes through muscle cramps on the sofa, only hours away from giving birth to their first child and Alex felt only pride and excitement. Dumping the packages back into their places, Alex swept back to her wife's side, plate in hand.

"Here, sweetie, eat this. I'm going to get the book." Olivia accepted the plate, hesitating only for a moment when Alex mentioned her new favorite pastime. "The book" was driving Olivia mad. Alex practically had every passage memorized already but she insisted in consulting it each and every time Olivia mentioned an ache or a tic. Olivia adored Alex's thoroughness but, at times, she was simply too much. Reaching out, she grasped the hem of Alex's shirt just before the blonde had hurried too far off. "Wait, we don't need the book. You know it by heart. Just stay here with me. And eat some of this. I don't want you passing out when I need you."

Taking Olivia's hand from her blouse, Alex relented and sank back onto the sofa, tucking her feet under her and snuggling close. She took half of the sandwich from the plate Olivia had balanced amusingly on her belly and gladly took a bite. She supposed Olivia had a point. It was shaping up to be a long night and she couldn't predict when her next meal might be. Olivia hissed between bites and Alex nuzzled their cheeks together. Soon, there would be shrieking and controlled breathing and tears of joy. Right now, Alex wanted to take full advantage of their last hours of peace.

Olivia froze in mid-stride, pressing her eyes closed and groaning very softly. Alex clicked the button on the stopwatch to mark the time and then guided Olivia's hands onto her shoulders to sway through the contraction. She had had nine months to become an expert on childbirth, reading every book, magazine and website she could get her hands on. She had the ritual down pat. She walked Olivia up and down the hall outside of their door, timing the spaces between contractions and doing the teenage prom-sway while Olivia breathed through the rippling spasms. They had been at this for more than an hour already and, though it was now nearing dawn, Alex felt no trace of tiredness. Olivia, on the other hand, was pink-cheeked and panting. For her sake, Alex hoped that it would soon be time to leave for the hospital. Sensing Olivia's whisper against her throat, Alex released her wife's hips and turned to lead her in yet another lap down the hall. She checked the stopwatch. Just over five minutes. Close enough, she decided. Time to call it.

"Ok, Liv. I think it's time to go." Olivia sighed her assent and leaned against the wall while Alex retreated into the apartment to pick up her purse and bag. Thank God, she thought tiredly. The walking helped but the urge to push was getting harder and harder to resist. She pressed her forehead against her forearm and tried to relax while she could. Alex burst back into the hall, slinging bags and jackets over her arm and jamming the key into the lock. She grinned breathlessly and tucked her arm around Olivia's waist. Squeezing tightly, she coaxed her wife away from the wall and began the trek to the elevator, the car and the hospital.

Alex thrust the keys at the valet, barely acknowledging the ticket he pressed into her hand as she hurried to the passenger side of her sedan. She opened the door and bent down, rubbing Olivia's shoulder and murmuring encouraging words to coax her wife out of the car. In the back of her mind, Alex wanted to laugh. Olivia was kneeling in the seat, her arms wrapped tightly around the back of the seat and her cheek pressed to the headrest. Alex had, several times, tried to convince Olivia to put on her seatbelt but her efforts had been met only with growled rebuttals. Clearly, it would be Olivia's way or nothing. So Alex had driven carefully, silently grateful for the relatively sparse traffic in Manhattan's pre-dawn hours, and now she was bent over in a parking lot, pleading for Olivia to let go and trying to hide her amusement. The movies certainly made much of the behavior of women in labor and clearly not all of it was an exaggeration. Alex gently pried her wife's fingers loose and took her hand. "Come on, sweetie. The wheelchair's right here."

Panting, Olivia followed Alex's urgings and released her grip on the upholstery, easing stiffly out of the car and sinking into the waiting chair. The orderly efficiently escorted the two women, one huffing and one grinning, through the electric doors and up to obstetrics. He deposited them into the capable hands of a bright, pink-scrubbed nurse. Petite and young, the nurse smiled kindly over her desk and punched a few letters into her keyboard. "Name please?"

"Benson, Olivia Benson," Alex breathed hurriedly, running the hand not in Olivia's tight grasp through her wife's damp hair.

"Oh, yes, we have your file right here, Ms. Benson." The printer began to buzz and click and the nurse glanced up again. "Let's see… The father, Alex, will he be coming soon?" Alex gaped for a split second.

"No, that's me. I'm Alex Cabot." The nurse gave the tall woman a once-over, hesitating.

"I need to speak to the doctor. Just a moment." She turned to reach for the phone but a loud gasp stopped her.

"No," Olivia said furiously. "Alex is my wife. Just… just take me to the room." She wheezed the last words, hunching her shoulders and pressing her hands to her belly. Alex crouched at her side, rubbing the back of her neck soothingly and sparing the nurse a pointed look. That seemed to dislodge the flustered young woman from her frozen state. She twisted quickly around the end of the desk and took the chair's handles.

"Alright, you'll be in room 212 and I'll page Dr. Lopez." She pushed her patient into a comfortingly decorated room and handed Alex a hospital gown and a set of scrubs. "I'll give you a moment to get changed and then I'll be back to put in the IV and fit you with a fetal heart monitor." She paused for a final glance at her patient and then closed the door behind her.

Alex coldly watched her go. Explaining her relationship with Olivia was a constant headache. All of society's systems were set up to deal with heterosexual relationships; sometimes it seemed like there was simply no room for a family with two wives. Or two mothers. The though cleared the last negativity from Alex's mind and she focused on Olivia, setting to work on her wife's clothing and helping her to slip on the gown. Hands under her wife's arms, she helped Olivia lever her heavy body out of the wheelchair and onto her feet. She walked her towards the bed, intending to let her lie down, but stopped as Olivia gripped the railing and balked. "No, no, no," she hissed. "I want to stand." Alex hesitated, suddenly unsure of what to do. The book said that a woman in labor should lie down so that her back was supported. But Olivia wasn't budging. All at once, Alex couldn't seem to remember what else the book had instructed her to do. Her mind was blank but for her wife's panting.

"Um, ok. Are you sure?" Olivia snarled, her grip turning white-knuckled and Alex decided to let her have her way. She backed away, taking the opportunity to change into the obnoxiously pink scrubs even though she never took her watchful eyes off of her puffing wife. Olivia was practically bent double, pressing her forehead against the cool metal railing. Alex hurried, tossing her clothes onto the chair and yanking the hem of the scrub top into place. She returned to Olivia's side, laying hands on her back just as a gentle knock at the door distracted her. The handle turned and the reassuringly familiar face of Dr. Lopez appeared from the hall.

"Hello Olivia, Alex," she crooned happily. "Looks like it's the real thing." Alex laughed a little too hard in response, her nerves showing as she accepted the gentle barb. Yes, she had to own the fact that she had already called the accommodating doctor twice in the past month, worried about Olivia's cramping. Both instances had turned out to be false alarms but this was definitely different. Olivia grinned at the doctor, her expression a little strained, and reluctantly released her death-grip so that she could lay on the bed at the doctor's insistence. Alex took her wife's hand, letting her squeeze as Dr. Lopez fitted her other hand with a heart rate monitor and swabbed at her wrist with an alcohol wipe.

"I… I thought the nurse would do that," Olivia gasped, desperate to distract herself from the twisting muscles and intense pressure.

"Yes, well, you are very special. I wanted to do it myself." Alex listened gratefully, understanding the meaning behind the doctor's kind words. After the nurse's less than accepting welcome, Alex was glad that the doctor was saving Olivia the indignity of more probing questions. She gave the doctor a smile and raised Olivia's hand to her lips, pressing kiss after kiss to her knuckles as the strap of the fetal monitor was cinched tightly around her belly. A new beep sounded and both women fixed their gazes onto the monitor's screen, matching smiles brightening their expressions as the baby's heart beat appeared as a series of digital spikes.

"There it is!" The doctor bustled around the end of the bed, clipping the metal stirrups in place. She took Olivia's ankle in her hands and lifted it into place, motioning for Alex to help her wife scoot to the edge. "Now, I'm just going to check how your labor is progressing. It'll just take a second." She fitted Olivia's other foot into the stirrup and settled herself on a stool.

As the doctor practically disappeared between Olivia's legs, Alex leaned over her wife to keep her distracted. "Oh, darling," she cooed. "You're doing so well." Olivia let her head fall heavily back onto the pillows, trying to melt back into the mattress in the brief respite between contractions. It was what the book and the birthing instructor had urged her to do, promising that it would help. At that moment, Olivia wished she had the book in her hands just so she could shred it. It wasn't helping. Instead, she focused on squeezing Alex's hand and listening to her words. A grunted thank-you was all she managed before Dr. Lopez reappeared and discarded her gloves.

"Looks like we've still got some time, Olivia. You're about four centimeters. Now, you'll have to keep the IV and the monitors on but you can walk through the contractions if you want to." Olivia nodded with relief, barely giving the doctor time to remove her feet from the stirrups before she heaved herself out of the bed and into Alex's supporting embrace. Dr. Lopez chuckled good naturedly. "I'll be back to check on you in a little while. Just hit the call button if you need anything." Alex nodded over her shoulder as Olivia gripped at the IV stand and began to awkwardly waddle the length of the room, groaning and hissing. Winking, the doctor slipped out of the room. She loved her job. First, she loved the joy of helping to ease a new life into the world. Secondly, well, pregnant women were all unique and, for the most part, quite amusing. Clearly, Olivia Benson was not going to be an exception to the rule.

Keeping one arm on Olivia's hip as they swayed, Alex held her cell phone up behind her wife's head and awkwardly scrolled through her contacts. Staggering a little under Olivia's weight, Alex pressed the phone to her ear. The voice that answered at last sounded groggy, slurred with disturbed sleep.

"Dad?" Alex gasped, suddenly guilty that she hadn't checked the time before dialing. The sun was up but, well, her parent's weren't known for getting up with the rooster's crow. She kicked herself and then, as Olivia groaned against her shoulder, remembered with a start her reason for calling so early. "Dad, sorry for waking you. I just wanted to let you know. We're at the hospital. The baby's coming." In an instant, all of Alex's worry and regret was vacuumed away by the joyful gasp on the other end of the cellular connection.

"Sweetie pie, we'll be there just as soon as we can, with as many teddy bears and boquets as your mother can carry." Alex could hear her mother's muffled voice in the background but her words were drowned out by distance and Olivia's panting growls. She didn't mind missing out on whatever disparaging comment her mother had choked out in her hateful manner. She didn't need any wisp of cloud to even think of spoiling this wonderful day. At least her father would be there to keep Nancy on a tight leash. "Pay no attention to the witch behind the curtain, Alex. You just tell that little angel that Grandpa will be there in an hour, tops, ok?" Alex laughed her soft response and resumed searching through her contacts. She just had to make one more call.

This time, the call was answered with a barely intelligible grumble but Alex would know that familiar grumble anywhere. "Good morning, Elliot," Alex said with pointed brightness. She waited for yet another grumble before continuing. "Olivia has something she wants to tell you. Here she is." Barely repressing her laughter, Alex held the phone to Olivia's ear, earning herself a distracted and irritable glance.

"Goddamnit, put that fucking thing away, Alex." She practically snarled the words though the last of her furious response disappeared in a protracted, breathy moan. Alex pressed the phone between her ear and her shoulder and wrapped her wife in a more complete embrace. Elliot was clearly awake now, if she could judge by his excited chatter.

"Did you get that?" Alex chortled, interrupting her wife's friend's rapid-fire questions. Elliot laughed aloud.

"Yeah, I think so, Alex. How's it going?"

"Well, let me give it to you just like Dr. Lopez gave it to me. Just a minute, I want to get it exactly right. Oh, yes, 'She's going to pop.'" Elliot chuckled.

"That's a very astute way to put it. I'll stop by on my way in. Tell Liv that the baby better be in the nursery in two hours or I'm coming into the delivery room to help."

"I'll tell her. I'm sure your offer will be very inspirational." Alex snapped the phone shut and tossed it back into her purse. With the business of notification finished, now all she had to do was wait for the cavalry to arrive, big and small. She nuzzled her cheek against Olivia's. "How are you doing, sweetheart?"

Olivia's fingers dug into the nape of Alex's neck. Alex was sure that, when she looked in the mirror later, she would find her body covered in rows of crescent-shaped marks. Over the past two hours, Olivia had grown increasingly frantic and violent. Gone was the sleepy, milky calm that had kept her almost unnaturally sedate recently. Instead, as the contractions intensified, Olivia had taken to cursing anything that she saw and digging her nails into everything that came within reach. No amount of coaxing could convince the red-faced woman to get into the bed and it was all Alex and the visiting nurses could do to keep her from tearing the fetal heart monitor from her belly. In short, Olivia had become, in an astonishingly short period of time, quite the handful.

Olivia panted through her nearly impossible urge to push and Alex breathed with her. Her presence, coaching breaths and soft cooing seemed to be the only things that helped Olivia through the contractions. And they had tried everything under the sun. The nurses had rolled in an enormous ball for Olivia to crouch over and they had rolled it out again, just as quickly. They had managed to keep Olivia still just long enough to stick the electrodes of a TENS unit onto her back only to have their wild patient rip them off in a fury. At one point, a young and eager nurse had even made the effort to describe the benefits of a warm birthing tub. Olivia had fixed the poor thing in an intense stare and, in exquisite detail, told her exactly how and where she could shove it. Luckily, the nurse had sufficient experience to laugh it off and disappear without taking the time for any other helpful suggestions. Eventually, the nurses only returned to bring cups of ice chips. Alex was grateful and, though her wife only huffed and swore, she knew Olivia was relieved.

Finally, Olivia pulled out of Alex's embrace just far enough to look at her wife with pinched eyes. "Dr. Lopez has three seconds to get in here before I'm going to start pushing." Alex nodded exaggeratedly.

"Ok, Liv. Let's get you onto the bed." Firmly, Alex guided her hissing wife to sit and then to lie back against the pillows. She extracted one hand from Olivia's clawing grasp to push the call button. As if she had been posted in the hallway expressly for this moment, a familiar nurse popped into the room. Speaking over the long, loud moan emanating from the bed, Alex put as much urgency into her voice as she could muster without being impolite. "She says she's ready to push. Could you please call the doctor?"

The nurse nodded and disappeared and Alex gave her hand back to her wife. Olivia needed it more than she did now. She leaned down and pressed her lips to Olivia's damp cheek. "Just a little longer, Liv, and then you'll be a momma." For her sweet sentiment, Alex received a rolling-eyed glance and a single, groaned word.

"Damnit."


	57. Chapter 57

"Push, Olivia."

The doctor's voice was the only calm and orderly sound she could hear and Alex clung to it, a secure and reassuring bastion appearing in the relative quiet between wrenching shrieks and harsh gasps. Alex had to hang on with all her might to the obstetrician's unworried words and the knowledge that there would be a priceless prize at the end of this long fight. Otherwise, she was sure she could drown in her beloved wife's laborious suffering. She cursed Olivia for her obstinacy; why couldn't she have agreed to the epidural? But, no, Olivia had insisted that doctors with long needles keep their distance. This was her first child, and likely her only opportunity for pregnancy, and she intended to experience every aspect. Alex supposed she shouldn't be surprised. Olivia's hyper-macho attitude was immeasurably dear to her wife. Olivia wouldn't be Olivia if, even as she embarked on this most feminine of undertakings, she didn't take it upon herself to outdistance the boys. Not that, in Alex's opinion, the pain contorting Olivia's face wouldn't make Elliot cry like a baby. No, Olivia was the toughest of the tough. She interpreted the offer of anesthesia to be an insult of the worst kind.

Alex, on the other hand, was seriously wishing that standard operating procedure during birth included offering painkillers to spouses. She knew that Olivia was strong but, as she bore down, she seemed almost possessed by the spirit of Mr. Universe. Alex was absolutely certain, irrational it was, that her hands would resemble juiced lemon rinds by the time the baby arrived. From her supporting posture behind her wife, Alex could offer Olivia both hands and she was beginning to regret it. Every time Olivia shrieked and groaned, she crushed Alex's slender fingers in her iron grasp and Alex muffled her own shouts of pain by pressing her lips to her shoulder. She couldn't believe how badly it hurt. It was something that, if she remembered, she'd ask Elliot about. The thought was marginally reassuring; Kathy had done this three times and Elliot still had the use of his hands. There was hope for Alex too.

Once again, the doctor's voice carried over the noise and commotion with the words that Alex and Olivia had so looked forward to. "I can see the head. Just two more pushes, Olivia. You're doing great."

Alex gasped, the pain spidering out from her hands suddenly a distant and unimportant sensation. This was it. She drew her knees up even tighter, cradling Olivia's straining body as securely as she could manage and moving with her as her spine curved and shuddered. Just as suddenly as she had begun to push, she sagged heavily against Alex, sucking air desperately into her burning lungs and making the most of the brief period of rest. Alex nuzzled against her cheek, kissing, cuddling and whispering. "Oh, Liv, you're so close. Come on, baby. Just one more. You can do it."

Seemingly at the last of her strength, Olivia rose up once again, sobbing unselfconsciously as she struggled through a last push. She hardly believed that she could do it. She was completely exhausted, physically and emotionally. She just wanted to collapse back onto the pillows and breathe. The pain wasn't as bad as she had imagined, mitigated by the endorphins and excitement flooding her bloodstream, but she still craved rest and serenity. She was glad that it was almost over. She couldn't take much more. And then it was finished.

The grinning doctor straightened up, gloved hands clutching a squirmy, skinny infant so that Olivia could look up over her bent knees to see. A red-faced squall broke the comparative silence that still thrummed with Olivia's screams and the two new mothers both gasped with reviving delight. "Congratulations, it's a girl. Would you like to cut the cord, Alex?"

Olivia waved weakly, shooing her wife into action. Olivia had enjoyed the privilege of carrying the infant; Alex deserved the treat of a father's first act. "Go, Alex," she breathed. Gently but quickly, Alex leapt at the opportunity, slipping from behind her wife's body and accepting the surgical shears. Smiling against the overwhelming urge to sob, she broke the last connection between her daughter and her wife and then, glancing back at Olivia, followed the nurses as they whisked the newborn to a far corner. It was all part of the birth plan she and Olivia had mapped out with Dr. Lopez. There were things the doctor had to attend to for her patient that, quite frankly, Alex did not need to see. After all, Alex had too many memories of blood and needles and her wife as a patient. Her job at that moment was that of a mother first, a wife second.

She threw herself wholeheartedly into the task, wedging herself amidst the orderly confusion to keep a watchful eye on everything to do with her new daughter. She felt as alert and potently dangerous as a grizzly bear guarding her darling cub. As an adult, Alex knew that the nurses were caring for the baby, cleaning her up and counting her fingers and toes, but, as a mother bear, Alex wanted to claw her child out of their impersonal hands and deposit her into the safety of Olivia's arms. She bit her tongue and kept the primal urge in check, choosing instead to admire the tiny, screeching, perfect bundle.

Most strikingly, the infant had an unruly, eyebrow-raising head of black hair. Her eyes were squeezed tight shut and she squalled and raged, the tiny sounds emanating from between her toothless gums making a comical contrast with the vehemence indicated by her beet-red cheeks. As the nurses scribbled down her statistics, a soft voice drifted to Alex's ears. "Is she okay?"

Alex had only enough time for a quick glimpse back at her wife before a nurse gently pressed the newborn into her arms. Words escaping her, Alex decided to let Olivia see for herself. With a smile that eclipsed the power of any phrase she could have thought of, Alex cradled her squirming daughter and walked her back to Olivia's bedside. Her eyes flickered between the pinched, red face and her wife's hungry, longing gaze, hardly able to put her thoughts into any semblance of order. She was overcome, with happiness, relief, hope and a bucket's worth of joyful, unshed tears. As she perched one hip on the edge of the bed, Olivia frantically fought to pull her gown down to her waist before holding her arms out.

This desire for her baby was more than just a want. It was a need, an urgent and absolute requirement that she press her newborn to her chest. Utterly irrational, overwhelmed by the biological imperatives dictated by hormones and the tinny racket of the baby's squalling cries, Olivia reached out and eagerly took her child from her wife. Sighing and gasping with love and relief, she folded her arms around her daughter for the first time, brushing away the last corner of the loose pink blanket and cradling her against her breasts. One sob squeezed out of her suddenly tight throat as she fixed every thread of her attention wholly on that tiny face, those impossibly minute fingernails, that silky shock of damp dark hair. This baby was hers, a part of her, fed by her body and influenced by her very genes. She had always expected this moment to be life changing but she had to admit that she hadn't really understood, not until now. This moment was so much more.

Obeying yet another imperative, Olivia tore her focus away from her infant for just a moment, to acknowledge her trembling, tear-stained wife. "Alex," she breathed. "She's beautiful."

One arm encircling her newly expanded family, Alex stroked Olivia's hair with her free hand and caressed her temple with her lips. "I knew she would be," she cooed. Cupping Olivia's chin, Alex drew her in for a deep kiss, giving physical voice to the oversaturated love she couldn't express any other way. She laid adoring claim to every inch of her wife's mouth, full to the brim with tenderness, before relaxing back to pay attention to the now-quiet infant.

As if she understood that she was safe in her mother's arms, the baby's cries had softened and faded until she hiccupped once or twice and opened her eyes to look up at the hovering faces. Alex cooed and Olivia bit her lip. Their daughter had the loveliest dark eyes, round and rich and so much like her mother's that it was almost a shock to look into them. Alex's heart was swelling and breaking at the same time. She almost jumped out of her skin when a hand touched her elbow.

A nurse stood just at her side, smiling and cooing to the new mothers. "I bet she's hungry. Would you like to try feeding her now?" Olivia nodded quickly, suddenly ripped from the fury of labor and the lovingly frantic admiration of her baby and thrust back towards a state relative calm. As Alex grudgingly scooted a little to the side, the nurse guided Olivia's hands, helping her to support the baby appropriately and correctly offer her breast. Alex kept up her vigilant oversight, tracking every nuance and fragment of advice and storing it unconsciously for later use. She might not be directly responsible for breastfeeding but she could learn and help. She smoothed her palm over Olivia's hair, joining in her wife's expectation as they waited through a few tense moments. And then, the moment marked by a sudden gasp on Olivia's part, their daughter took the nipple and began to suckle.

Instantly, a new rush of hormones swept through Olivia's body and she sank into blissful, milky placidity. The baby wriggled gently in her arms, continuing to stare up at her mother for a lingering moment before her eyes fluttered closed as her tiny belly began to fill with her first taste of milk. Olivia sighed, slowly and weightily, and she leaned to rest her head against Alex's solidity. She felt very tired, warm and sleepy and pleased and… complete. The last piece of her life had just fallen into place, a piece she had barely acknowledged as missing in her life before this moment. She couldn't resist a smile and didn't want to. Alex's breath warmed her scalp and Olivia yawned.

"So, Liv, what's it going to be?" Olivia understood exactly what she was referring to. Unsure of the baby's gender, they had narrowed the extensive lists of names down to a few but they hadn't decided on the perfect one. It was to be Olivia's choice. Taking her time, Olivia ran her fingers with feather-light pressure over her daughter's body, touching every part from her tiny round toes to the translucent shell of her perfectly formed ear. She knew what her choice would be.

"Margaret Grace. That's her name. Margaret Grace."

Alex cooed her approval and appreciation. "Good choice, Liv. A beautiful name for a beautiful little girl with eyes like her mother's." She folded one long arm around Olivia's shoulders and tucked the other under her infant, at last proudly enfolding a real little family in her embrace. She took a moment to consider her life. She had fought hard to get here, to get to this hospital suite and cuddle her wife and daughter to her chest. Spats with her parents, the seemingly endless struggle through examinations and heavy tomes, the jagged ups and downs of life in the courthouse, the long evenings of wooing her girlfriend, the chafing rut of medical care and antiseptic wipes, the ecstatic high of her wedding day… All of it melted into the distant background in the face of this new triumph. She was a daughter, advocate, friend, wife and, now, a mother. She very gently swept all of her musings from her thoughts, allowing the power of this moment to take root in her heart and engross her mind. This family was all that was important to her. Her wife and daughter, her Olivia and her darling little Peggy.


End file.
